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Old 01-29-2019, 07:55 AM
 
29,782 posts, read 34,871,258 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
I wonder if the discussion has taken a turn into how children have turned out. While I'm sure that has something to do with one's feelings about having had children, I guess I wonder if people are satisfied or less satisfied with having raised them at all- as I see imagine it, spending so much of one's finances, time, emotions and relationship in raising and being with children to adulthood, whether they "turn out" well or not so well.
Our sons are well into adulthood with families and very successful. All of that is good, what we have learned is that parenting never stops. We are and will always be their parents. How that process plays out as we all age can be very different.

We are blessed that traditional parenting has progressed to grand parenting. It is fascinating to see the joy and response of your grandchildren as they learn and process that you are their parents mommy or daddy. It is via that lens that you realize the role we as parents played in shaping how our children parent and how their children respond. Time together was important for us raising our kids and double that with our kids and their kids.

Wasn't always easy and there were some challenges along the way but it is so priceless and precious to know that the efforts have turned out so darn well.
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Old 01-29-2019, 10:02 AM
 
Location: equator
3,443 posts, read 1,535,055 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ihatetodust View Post
I have a friend who says he regrets it now due to the fact his wife wants to spend retirement being grandma . . .and he is ready for some adult hobbies.
I wonder if this happens a lot? Seems like it would.

There is no maternal bone in my body so I'm glad I never had any. Couldn't afford it in any case. My sisters took my allotment anyway as they all had 4 each.
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Old 01-29-2019, 10:19 AM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,697 posts, read 23,668,169 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bgrasser View Post
I think the have/have not kids thinking is highly overrated.
People that have them, sometimes wish they didnít, and folks that donít wish that they had. Itís a case of the grass is so much greener in the other fellows yard...It is what it is, live it!
Donít get me started on Grandchildren, by the time there teenagers you will be lucky if your a passing thought.
I didn't have them and I never wished I did for a second. I realize there are probably those who didn't have kids and have thought what it would have been like to have had them. However, I have met many more like me who simply had no desire to reproduce and don't think about it.

That grass never got greener.

On the other hand, I can't tell you how many people with kids have confided in me that they wished they hadn't or they think about what it would have been like if they didn't. It's not that they didn't love the ones they had, it's that they had them without thinking. The reason was always the same, they had them because they felt they had to have them. They followed the life script of getting married and having kids without giving it a second or third thought.

I am not making this up. The amount of people I have had tell me this is more than I would have thought would ever come up. The people who have told me this was also quite surprising. I think that as a childfree person they felt safe confiding in me. They could never tell other parents for fear of being thought of as horrible parents.

As I say, they loved their kids. Maybe there were some regrets, maybe not. There was no doubt, though, they were looking back at their previous acceptance of a large life changing occurrence about which they had not thought at the time and were now meeting someone who had actually had stopped to make a decision regarding that same decision. It really made them stop and think about their own life choices.
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Old 01-29-2019, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Central Ohio
613 posts, read 251,311 times
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Interesting question. There was a time, when my daughter was a teen and putting me through hell, I would have definitely said yes! Even though as an adult, her life was hard, when she passed away, I realized how much she had added to my life. I know that sounds strange.....but I have to say I do not regret having given her life and her being a part of my life. I am very sorry she was not happier. There are so many things I would do differently, knowing what I know now, but the past is the past and cannot be changed. Kind of a tough question....I guess my view on life is like the line from the song...life is for learning. Would I have been happier if I had never had a child? Maybe happier, in the sense of more care-free, but I think, in some ways, just less. Kind of like a book without much of a plot. Sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense!
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Old 01-31-2019, 11:10 AM
 
29,782 posts, read 34,871,258 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minervah View Post
I didn't have them and I never wished I did for a second. I realize there are probably those who didn't have kids and have thought what it would have been like to have had them. However, I have met many more like me who simply had no desire to reproduce and don't think about it.

That grass never got greener.

On the other hand, I can't tell you how many people with kids have confided in me that they wished they hadn't or they think about what it would have been like if they didn't. It's not that they didn't love the ones they had, it's that they had them without thinking. The reason was always the same, they had them because they felt they had to have them. They followed the life script of getting married and having kids without giving it a second or third thought.

I am not making this up. The amount of people I have had tell me this is more than I would have thought would ever come up. The people who have told me this was also quite surprising. I think that as a childfree person they felt safe confiding in me. They could never tell other parents for fear of being thought of as horrible parents.

As I say, they loved their kids. Maybe there were some regrets, maybe not. There was no doubt, though, they were looking back at their previous acceptance of a large life changing occurrence about which they had not thought at the time and were now meeting someone who had actually had stopped to make a decision regarding that same decision. It really made them stop and think about their own life choices.
You make a key point. Having kids on a whim and without a plan can yield different results then planned parenthood. Our two were planned and time with resources and time in mind. We only had two. Had we had kids a few years earlier we might have had a third. We were conscious of our finances at the time and years later. We wanted them to be grown and out of college before our retirement age. We were the type of parents that is was college from day one and successful careers. That meant providing moral support if needed after college etc.
We were committed to providing support for our grand kids and because we wanted to we bought diapers and wipers for our grands kids even though their parents could well afford to. Some might consider that crazy but as we told the kids we were just spending money they were probably going to get down the road anyway.
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Old 01-31-2019, 04:21 PM
mlb
 
Location: North Monterey County
3,181 posts, read 2,856,933 times
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Planned Parenthood - what a concept.

No one has to ask themselves that question more than couples going through infertility.

And once confirmed infertile - we still had to ask it. Would we adopt?

While I would not wish infertility on anyone - it's damned expensive and emotionally and physically painful - but we had to constantly question ourselves and our motives and desires throughout the process.

I wish more people took parenting as seriously.
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Old 02-01-2019, 08:46 PM
 
78 posts, read 33,630 times
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I absolutely don’t regret having my kids, but if you’d asked this when they were teens, I might’ve answered differently . At the time I realized why the British sent their kids to boarding schools and didn’t have them return until 18 LOL!

I’m happy with the way they turned out, they’re great adults. I sometimes wish they were more affectionate, but hey, they were raised to become independent and they are.

If I have one regret, it’s having chosen to have children with my then husband. He was a serial philanderer who fooled me with his religious piety, but once we were married, he did a complete turnaround. He neglected the kids and showed not one iota of interest in them throughout their childhood. They’ve told me how deeply this affected them.

So, I’m happy with my kids l, wish I hadn’t chosen such a jerk of a first husband but it is what it is.
On a funny note, my grandkids have never known another grandpa other than their dads dad and my husband. We babysit them often and they’re very attached to him. They recently met my ex and told us “ mommy’s daddy “ had visited the house ( first time in their lives). They were shocked to realize I knew him lol and asked how do you “know mommy’s daddy” lol . DH and I had a good laugh about that. And they haven’t seen him since .
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Old 02-01-2019, 08:54 PM
 
1,039 posts, read 389,258 times
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The only seniors with regrets that I know have no children.
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Old 02-01-2019, 09:01 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,587 posts, read 17,574,904 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TuborgP View Post
You make a key point. Having kids on a whim and without a plan can yield different results then planned parenthood. Our two were planned and time with resources and time in mind. We only had two. Had we had kids a few years earlier we might have had a third. We were conscious of our finances at the time and years later. We wanted them to be grown and out of college before our retirement age. We were the type of parents that is was college from day one and successful careers. That meant providing moral support if needed after college etc.
We were committed to providing support for our grand kids and because we wanted to we bought diapers and wipers for our grands kids even though their parents could well afford to. Some might consider that crazy but as we told the kids we were just spending money they were probably going to get down the road anyway.
Kids on a whim and without preparation, especially in single parent households, has significantly increased odds of failure. d
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Old 02-01-2019, 09:18 PM
 
25,993 posts, read 33,003,034 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minervah View Post
On the other hand, I can't tell you how many people with kids have confided in me that they wished they hadn't or they think about what it would have been like if they didn't. It's not that they didn't love the ones they had, it's that they had them without thinking. The reason was always the same, they had them because they felt they had to have them. They followed the life script of getting married and having kids without giving it a second or third thought.

I am not making this up. The amount of people I have had tell me this is more than I would have thought would ever come up. The people who have told me this was also quite surprising. I think that as a childfree person they felt safe confiding in me. They could never tell other parents for fear of being thought of as horrible parents.

As I say, they loved their kids. Maybe there were some regrets, maybe not. There was no doubt, though, they were looking back at their previous acceptance of a large life changing occurrence about which they had not thought at the time and were now meeting someone who had actually had stopped to make a decision regarding that same decision. It really made them stop and think about their own life choices.
That is so odd. In all my years I have never heard a single parent utter such a thing.
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