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Old 08-22-2011, 05:05 PM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,890,892 times
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Fine , I can see quite clearly that these threads are , or have been taken over by a few who do not understand the way life works. Too bad the Moderator might be one of them. I will not waste anymore of my time or yours, chasing windmills.
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:47 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,482,868 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heidi60 View Post
Maybe they are posting about us under a different name?

Good point about resolving family issues before retirement but sometimes, work and immediate family, don't leave much time to even think about other relatives until retirement. Also, for me, after enough time has passed and we have matured and mellowed a little I always had the hope that things would be better but that Norman Rockwell picture never developed.
Yeah! Norman had it down. Too bad reality doesn't often parallel fantasy, and visa-versa.

Funny! I grew up with the Saturday Evening Post and parents from New England. Isn't that the way life was supposed to be? Why was reality so much less satisfying? I caught glimpses of that ideal but, alas, they were fleeting.
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Old 08-23-2011, 01:02 AM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,954 posts, read 7,391,767 times
Reputation: 16283
I have nothing new to add so I'll just say "ditto". When my mother died and what was left of my family shattered it took me a long time to realize that what I was grieving was not what it was, but what it never was.

Somehow reading these posts makes me feel better
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Old 08-23-2011, 03:39 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,735,102 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Umbria View Post
I have nothing new to add so I'll just say "ditto". When my mother died and what was left of my family shattered it took me a long time to realize that what I was grieving was not what it was, but what it never was.
Somehow reading these posts makes me feel better
I understand what you're saying. I think that we often fail to realize just how common family dysfunctionality is, especially when there may have been a lot of denial and secretiveness surrounding it in our own case. So when we read the stories of others we do feel better in the realization that we are not alone.
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Old 08-23-2011, 04:04 PM
 
Location: California
4,554 posts, read 5,470,015 times
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When I was in my forties, I signed up for a self-defense class. My partner was a young adult who was just wonderful. One day our instruction was how to defend yourself when someone grabs you by the hair. After our practice sessions I said to my partner that I wished I knew that when I was growing up as that was usually the first step in mommy dearest attacks. My partner looked puzzled and stated that she had never been hit. As I fought the tears for the rest of the class all I could think was...why did it have to be that way? I don't know where mommy dearest learned her violence but all the fear I felt leaving home at 17, and there was plenty, was nothing compared to her. Norman Rockwell just gave me a better goal.
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Old 08-26-2011, 05:52 PM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,954 posts, read 7,391,767 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
I understand what you're saying. I think that we often fail to realize just how common family dysfunctionality is, especially when there may have been a lot of denial and secretiveness surrounding it in our own case. So when we read the stories of others we do feel better in the realization that we are not alone.
Thanks -
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Old 08-27-2011, 07:20 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,975,704 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heidi60 View Post
When I was in my forties, I signed up for a self-defense class. My partner was a young adult who was just wonderful. One day our instruction was how to defend yourself when someone grabs you by the hair. After our practice sessions I said to my partner that I wished I knew that when I was growing up as that was usually the first step in mommy dearest attacks. My partner looked puzzled and stated that she had never been hit. As I fought the tears for the rest of the class all I could think was...why did it have to be that way? I don't know where mommy dearest learned her violence but all the fear I felt leaving home at 17, and there was plenty, was nothing compared to her. Norman Rockwell just gave me a better goal.
Our generation grew up in an era in which family violence was common but no one outside the family ever knew heard about it. It all happened behind closed doors, and there was a huge taboo against ever, ever mentioning it, even within the family. It happened, it's over, shut up...until it happens again. Repeat. Unfortunately behavioral responses within family dynamics seem to get patternized and repeated in the next generation. Many in our generation had to fight hard to resist the patterns of our dysfunctional parents. In the 1940s and 50s (and probably before for all I know), a dad taking off a belt and giving his daughter or son a good beating (my father, my sister; several of my high school buddies the same) or a mother beating her kids with a hairbrush or her hands (my mother, her daughters) or dropping a younger kid over her lap and beating the ##$% out of her ("spanking") was so, so sadly common. For parents who did this kind of thing, verbal abuse to their kids as they aged was par for the course.

One has to wonder if there is a connection between this and the lifelong secrecy surrounding behind-doors sexual abuse from priests that never got reported (due to the stigma of "telling" re: family dysfunction).

Fortunately today, there is recourse for kids in these kinds of situations--they can tell a teacher or guidance counselor (sometimes), but what a burden on the educational system.

So anyway, to the OP, by the time we are retirement age these lifelong family patterns have been loooong established and have been possibly unconsciously repeated (according to my retired psychologist friend who was a family practitioner). "Family counseling" was a new thing 30 years ago and interesting that this practice emerged during the post-WWII boomer generation.

Heidi, good question: Why did it have to be that way.
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Old 08-27-2011, 08:12 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,482,868 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Heidi, good question: Why did it have to be that way.
Image/appearances. You received your worst punishment when you did something that might reflect badly on your parents or the family as a whole. This was especially prevalent in the military where bad behavior could tank a parent's career.
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Old 08-27-2011, 11:38 AM
 
Location: SW US
2,218 posts, read 2,035,221 times
Reputation: 3824
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Our generation grew up in an era in which family violence was common but no one outside the family ever knew heard about it. It all happened behind closed doors, and there was a huge taboo against ever, ever mentioning it, even within the family.
I would just add that this attitude was not confined to abuse issues. Illness and disability were also something to be hidden behind closed doors. Almost 20 years ago I became disabled with a disability requiring accommodation in public places like restaurants. When I go out with my parents, they apologize profusely to the waiters, etc. for the inconvenience when I ask for accommodation. As if the waiters were more important than their daughter. As if their daughter were being obstinate or something, like a kid.
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Old 08-27-2011, 11:59 PM
 
Location: California
4,554 posts, read 5,470,015 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post

Heidi, good question: Why did it have to be that way.

I knew the sting of her hand and the hate from the belt in her hand as well as the crack of a wooden ruler on me. But, the hardest part was what she did to my dad and brother. The worst pain she inflicted was when she caused someone I loved pain, it was never for myself. A friend of mine lost her mother last year and I honestly couldn't understand her tears as it was such a relief when my mother finally left.

Thanks for your kind words. I am so glad that part of my life is behind me forever. With kind words from others I began to see the suicidal nut job for what she really was.

Watch your own extended family and be a hero to someone who can't speak for themselves. That is the kindness which will heal the welts and mend the broken young spirit.
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