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Old 08-06-2011, 07:59 AM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,892,617 times
Reputation: 2770

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Since my Mother died 3 years ago, I doubt I will ever see my son...again. Grandma was the glue that kept us coming back once in a while. He must be 50 now, a sad story, and not one I am proud of. I just could not stand the drugs, sorry.I haven't seen his mother in 40 years, maybe when he was young I should have taken more control, but I tried, then his Mother would come and stop the intervention. I am almost at the end of the family tree, everyone else is gone now, except one cousin, and , ofcoarse my son who never married or had any kids that I knew of....too many drugs I guess.....all very sad.
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Old 08-06-2011, 10:05 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,858,512 times
Reputation: 8956
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vegas Joe View Post
Family should help those who want to be helped. In the case of my brother, I invited him to live with us when he was out in the street because the rest of the family got sick of him. He came and we got him into a STEP program for alcoholism which runs in my family (I don't have it though). I helped him get a job in a warehouse and put my credibility on the line with the manager of the place who is a business associate. It became obvious after a few months why the rest of the family put him out. He would not quit drinking although I told him that no alcohol or drinking was allowed in our home. I also told him that, if he wanted to smoke, he had to go outdoors and not throw his butts down on my landscaping. He decided that he could use the bathroom to smoke in instead. And he lost the job 3 weeks after I put myself on the line to get it for him and bought him work clothes and the steel toe boots and gloves they require. He constantly disrespected my family, refused to clean up after himself and, the final straw came when they took him to jail for driving with no license which was revoked years ago after I had bought him a monthly RTC pass to use the public bus system here which runs 24 hours, goes by our home, his job and is used my other family members. I went to the Clark County Detention Center and told him that I had put all his things in his car and left the keys under the back seat and I put $250 in his stuff in the trunk and when he got out, he was to come and get his car and leave and that he would never be allowed back in my home or my life again.
You were strong enough to try to help when you thought he might turn himself around, and then stronger still when you realized he was taking advantage of you and not getting his life together - practicing "tough love" - Thank you for sharing part of your story related to this issue.

I know a lot of people are going through similar things but you don't hear people talk about this stuff much (or I don't).
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Old 08-06-2011, 10:09 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,858,512 times
Reputation: 8956
Quote:
Originally Posted by darstar View Post
Since my Mother died 3 years ago, I doubt I will ever see my son...again. Grandma was the glue that kept us coming back once in a while. He must be 50 now, a sad story, and not one I am proud of. I just could not stand the drugs, sorry.I haven't seen his mother in 40 years, maybe when he was young I should have taken more control, but I tried, then his Mother would come and stop the intervention. I am almost at the end of the family tree, everyone else is gone now, except one cousin, and , ofcoarse my son who never married or had any kids that I knew of....too many drugs I guess.....all very sad.


I am sorry. I can only imagine your heartbreak. I hope you are taking good care of yourself.
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Old 08-06-2011, 11:26 AM
 
4,481 posts, read 4,743,979 times
Reputation: 9940
I have learned early on to set limits on certain family members AND friends. If I needed to "weed the garden" of too many takers, then I did it. They don't like it or refuse to take responsibility for their behavior, but it is truly self preservation.
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Old 08-06-2011, 12:39 PM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,892,617 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post


I am sorry. I can only imagine your heartbreak. I hope you are taking good care of yourself.
O' yes , I stopped drinking 9 years ago,( on my own). I quit my daily cigars before Christmas, and lost 30 lbs , no longer diabetic , but that was mostly because of tonsorial Cancer. I am cancer free ( hope)(The operation and recovery was hell on earth) , and I will have ultrasounds every three months for some time to come. I have some issues with the meds now ,that I need to get off of...( depression and anxiety). I also suffer from chronic IBS...I can't remember how many EMS rides I have had over the years, always just gas. On the good side My Doc said I had the body of a 50- 60 year old .....Turning 70 has been quite a wild ride this year !
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Old 08-06-2011, 12:41 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,858,512 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darstar View Post
O' yes , I stopped drinking 9 years ago,( on my own). I quit my daily cigars before Christmas, and lost 30 lbs , no longer diabetic , but that was mostly because of tonsorial Cancer. I am cancer free ( hope)(The operation and recovery was hell on earth) , and I will have ultrasounds every three months for some time to come. I have some issues with the meds now ,that I need to get off of...( depression and anxiety). I also suffer from chronic IBS...I can't remember how many EMS rides I have had over the years, always just gas. On the good side My Doc said I had the body of a 50- 60 year old .....Turning 70 has been quite a wild ride this year !
Sounds like you are on the right track. I study Holistic Health so believe the more natural you can go (the fewer toxins) the better. Good luck to you.
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:14 PM
 
Location: East Bangor, PA
126 posts, read 215,028 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
........ I did not intend to "ask for advice" on my particular situation (of which I have said the minimum, so there is no way anyone could accurately judge it) - I really wanted to hear about other people's experiences . . . people who have felt challenged and how it was for them.

There seems to be either a lack of such people or a reticence for people to talk about their own issues - it's much easier to take other people's "inventory" and give other people advice . . .
I don't really have an experience to share on dysfunctional family members, but I have also experienced the same thing on this forum when I asked if anyone had gone through xyz and could they share their experiences (it had to do with relocating) and what I got in the responses was advice on what I should do.

Some of the advice was way off the mark, some was good advice, but I hadn't asked for advice, I was curious to hear how others had dealt with a similar situation.
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Old 08-06-2011, 06:00 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,858,512 times
Reputation: 8956
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_grouch View Post
I don't really have an experience to share on dysfunctional family members, but I have also experienced the same thing on this forum when I asked if anyone had gone through xyz and could they share their experiences (it had to do with relocating) and what I got in the responses was advice on what I should do.

Some of the advice was way off the mark, some was good advice, but I hadn't asked for advice, I was curious to hear how others had dealt with a similar situation.
Thank you for sharing your perspective - I even like hearing that people don't have these problems - in fact, I am very happy for you. I can't imagine having a fully functional family - I hope I get to experience one in my next life!

I think a lot of people do start threads asking for advice and maybe people just can't help giving it . . . I know I have probably done more than my share of advice giving (it is one of my "specialties" - saying that tongue-in-cheek for the "haters"

It has really helped me a lot reading about people's challenges and what they have done . . .
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Old 08-06-2011, 06:18 PM
 
9,682 posts, read 15,867,988 times
Reputation: 16038
Perhaps a bit OT, but the last of my elderly relatives passed away yesterday. He was an uncle by marriage, but still, the last of the "clan".

He spent so much of his life side stepping certain family members, including me, thinking we "wanted something". any attempt to interract with them was met with suspicion and veiled hostility, that I was after a hand or handout, although we never even once hinted at such a thing. guess he added up his money, decided there was too much there for one guy, and we were all in line for our "share"

Well, the old goat died without leaving one red cent to bury him with, no life insurance, nothing, not even a grave plot, he's not even a veteran, so those miserable few benefits aren't available. now, the family is trying to take up a collection to bury him. count me out---all the years I just tried to be nice, visit, phone calls, cards, all met with suspicion, etc, well, they can bury the old goat any way they can! Funny, now they know where I am, but when alive, they couldn't figure out how to communicate with me. sorry, I'm the "poor relation" remember?
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Old 08-06-2011, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Sierra Vista, AZ
16,133 posts, read 20,826,624 times
Reputation: 8293
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
I am posting this in retirement because I want to know how other people who have raised families or lived a long time feel about dysfunctional family members at this point in your journey.

I worked very hard all of my life (started at age 11 "cutting cots") and have just retired. When I was working full time, I went to school and got a B.S., M.A., and am working on a Ph.D. (my second one - the first one I did the coursework but didn't finish the dissertation).

I raised a family (lots of it as a single parent) and then helped raise one of my children's kids . . .

I did many, many things to help my family members - buying stuff for them, sending money, etc. I could be a lot better off if I did not invest so much money in various people but I honestly wanted to help them. None of them would return the favor . . . I still don't regret it because I felt it was the moral and ethical thing for me to do at the time.

Now a couple of family members have been creating high drama for the extended family unit - they have cut themselves off, aren't talking to people, etc. They tend to be very dramatic. They take their Facebook pages down whenever some drama is occurring in their lives.

I realize I can only do so much and I have extended myself as much as I can. I want to concentrate on me now - I do not want family drama to further negatively affect my health (in retrospect, when I was raising a couple of teens in my forties, I got an autoimmune disease which I have subsequently learned is caused by stress).

I am sure without the family dramas I would look ten year's younger than I do right now.

I have cried myself to sleep many nights and am still upset about some things that have been said and done in my family.

Does anyone relate to the challenges of family and how have you chosen to handle it?

Have you thought about this in relationship to retirement or enjoying your old age?

I do not want to continue to allow other people to dictate the quality of my life. It is hard when people you love "act out" or have problems . . . I would love to hear some discussion of this subject . . .
If you do not want to give to your children then why go on abaout it. Don't give them anything. That is between you and your GOD
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