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Old 08-06-2011, 07:05 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,858,512 times
Reputation: 8956

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Boompa View Post
If you do not want to give to your children then why go on abaout it. Don't give them anything. That is between you and your GOD
Not sure what you're relating to but it sounds intense!
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Old 08-06-2011, 07:20 PM
 
Location: East Bangor, PA
126 posts, read 215,028 times
Reputation: 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
Thank you for sharing your perspective - I even like hearing that people don't have these problems - in fact, I am very happy for you. I can't imagine having a fully functional family - I hope I get to experience one in my next life!
Oh, I didn't mean to imply that our family is "fully functional" (whatever that is ). I just don't get that involved with them, I don't get real wrapped up with them, so I don't get in the middle of everyone's highs and lows. I enjoy my family, but at a lower key level than most people I observe. My husband and I are more of loners, I guess. So I guess I would say our way of dealing with all the issues is arms-length, polite interest, that type of thing. Or avoidance if it is a real mess. Maybe send a little money occasionally, but we don't have much so no one expects much anyway.
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Old 08-06-2011, 08:28 PM
 
Location: The Brightest City On Earth
1,282 posts, read 1,624,749 times
Reputation: 571
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boompa View Post
If you do not want to give to your children then why go on abaout it. Don't give them anything. That is between you and your GOD
When you are old, your children should be giving to you and not the other way around. If you love the folks that put all the time, effort and expense raising you, then you should be giving to them. Surprise them with a paid vacation or cruise!
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Old 08-07-2011, 09:04 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,487,261 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_grouch View Post
Oh, I didn't mean to imply that our family is "fully functional" (whatever that is ). I just don't get that involved with them, I don't get real wrapped up with them, so I don't get in the middle of everyone's highs and lows. I enjoy my family, but at a lower key level than most people I observe. My husband and I are more of loners, I guess. So I guess I would say our way of dealing with all the issues is arms-length, polite interest, that type of thing. Or avoidance if it is a real mess. Maybe send a little money occasionally, but we don't have much so no one expects much anyway.
Old Grouches must be Curmudgeons by another name. Anymore, that's pretty much our approach. Drama we don't need so we pay minimal polite interest and leave it at that.
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:18 AM
 
Location: East Bangor, PA
126 posts, read 215,028 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Old Grouches must be Curmudgeons by another name.
LOL. My husband always used to call me an old grouch, so years ago I starting using that for a screen name in sites where you need one.
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:25 AM
 
4,532 posts, read 5,110,654 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
I just let it be known that I am now retired and poor. I can no longer help. Then they started leaving me alone! And it's great!
i am there now--but it still is hard to realize they only wanted you around when you could do for them--it ruins and obliterates happy memories of them
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Old 08-08-2011, 03:55 PM
 
Location: SW US
2,218 posts, read 2,036,207 times
Reputation: 3824
Just a question that has crossed my mind while reading many of these comments -
In some cases, family members seem to have some disabilities or mental health issues. Is casting them out the right thing to do?
I'm not sure of the answer. I have dealt with two friends who have bi-polar, one refusing treatment to this day. I've listened through their manic stages, visited one who was involuntarily committed for a while, and have remained friends with them. I can still see the person they are when they are well, even during the worst of times.
Is it different when it's a family member? Or is it giving them money that's the issue?
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Old 08-08-2011, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,160 posts, read 6,943,288 times
Reputation: 7447
Quote:
I do not want to continue to allow other people to dictate the quality of my life.
Then don't. This question can be asked of anyone, whether they are retired or not. There is no law that you have to be around any family member, dysfunctional or not. You're an adult and are not required to be nice or be in the presence of unpleasant or nutty family members. I have an abusive sister and haven't seen her in 20 years, nor have I seen my 90 year old father in 30 years. I feel no obligation to spend time with people I cannot stand, family or not.
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Old 08-09-2011, 09:14 PM
 
Location: Midwest
4,267 posts, read 7,149,019 times
Reputation: 7217
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
I learned a long time ago when I was with someone or speaking to a person and when it was over I felt very thankful and couldn't wait to get away, that relationship was toxic. Since that time, I have broken ties with several friends and two family members. I just don't need that type of drama, problems and interference. I moved on and have enjoyed life since I focused on those that are true friends and good family members.
OP, you will either learn to move on dot org or you will continue to codepend in these destructive relationships.

You have a choice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
We need to extend the same courtesy to abominable personal relationships as we do to suffering pets: put them to sleep.
But pets are usually nice. Abominable Personality Disordered folks are not.

And putting them to sleep IMO means starting with JUST SAY NO.
Don't answer their calls, emails, and cut way back on family gatherings.
What is the upside of stressing out and aging prematurely, exactly?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Friends you choose. Family you have. The latter is always a crap-shoot and a roll of the dice. With children you do your best to instill traits and values you prize but especially now, by the time they're tweens they spend more time with and are more influenced by their peers and electronic wizardry than their parents and nuclear family.

With seven children between us and nine grandchildren, and a 10th due next month, it would be all too easy to have our lives totally dictated by the sheer numbers. We patently refuse to do that. We're loving and supportive, not necessarily financially, but our lives do not rotate around them.

For some, the relationships with one or several family and extended family members are unsatisfactory, bordering on or surpassing harmful and hurtful. Long ago we both learned that life is too short to spend time with and on toxic people and associations - any of them.

Richard Bach had it right when he wrote in his book, Illusions, "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof."
Ya. There is biological family and there is emotional family. Often not a lot of crossover between the two.

Just make sure your will and other legal documents reflect this. Because the courts recognize blood kin, not emotional kin, and things might not turn out as you wish if you don't prepare your documents properly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
I've read it. Some good points, but very simplistic and not helpful in terms of specifics. Hard to "let go" when you have committed to old ones or young ones . . .
You will have to make some decisions and then decide if you're to stick with them. You'll either live the rest of your life being intruded on, or not.
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Old 08-09-2011, 09:58 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,858,512 times
Reputation: 8956
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dwatted Wabbit View Post
OP, you will either learn to move on dot org or you will continue to codepend in these destructive relationships.

You have a choice.



But pets are usually nice. Abominable Personality Disordered folks are not.

And putting them to sleep IMO means starting with JUST SAY NO.
Don't answer their calls, emails, and cut way back on family gatherings.
What is the upside of stressing out and aging prematurely, exactly?



Ya. There is biological family and there is emotional family. Often not a lot of crossover between the two.

Just make sure your will and other legal documents reflect this. Because the courts recognize blood kin, not emotional kin, and things might not turn out as you wish if you don't prepare your documents properly.



You will have to make some decisions and then decide if you're to stick with them. You'll either live the rest of your life being intruded on, or not.
You mixed up the posts of a whole lot of people and addressed me underneath them, indicating I had written them (note the first quote . . . I have no idea who wrote that but it was not me).

Thanks for the advice.
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