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Old 08-12-2011, 01:34 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,611 posts, read 9,672,539 times
Reputation: 10948

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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
Sounds like you are a real survivor.

I think the hardest thing for me is having the value that "family is important," and of course not being able to "make" it functional . . . it's sad . . .

It is interesting how so many different personality types with different values can come out of the same household. It makes me think it is all about individual paths . . .and for some reason, like-minded people seem to incarnate together in some instances and not others . . . or however you see it, per your religious or philosophical viewpoints . . .

I am just learning at my late age that there is only so much one person can do.
Survival is necessary if we want to be reasonably happy and content. I've survived much in my lifetime and, yep, it just makes you stronger.

No, you CAN'T make a family "functional" so it's really important to not worry yourself to death over it. It is what it is. Sad? Yes, but survivable. You can't change anyone else but you can change you, which generally means accepting things as they are and going on with your own life.

I have often wondered how five siblings can be sooo different as adults. We all got along really well, as kids, had some good times and I really thought that would carry over to adulthood. Shocked me when it didn't! I think we were closer before my dad died but since then nothing has ever been the same. Another thing was that I lived away from the family for a lot of years, following a husband for his career and living here, there and everywhere, so things happened in my absence that I wasn't aware of. That's probably where the 'split' began between my siblings. I really try not to think about it much anymore because I don't like feeling 'sad' about it and there's nothing I can do about it either, so....
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Old 08-12-2011, 01:38 PM
Status: "Be yourself. What's the alternative?" (set 15 days ago)
 
8,675 posts, read 10,828,629 times
Reputation: 12717
Quote:
Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat View Post
I've followed this thread from post #1 and kept thinking I wanted to respond but haven't had time.

I have several "dysfunctional" family members and I keep wondering how the heck they got that way! My siblings and myself were brought up under the same roof, with the same teachings and family values and yet they somehow ended up being "different" from me!

My sister I avoid at all costs. She simply cannot live without a LOT of drama in her life, she makes horrible decisions, picks men who are alcoholics/disabled/unemployed and complains constantly about them and her life. She complains about her kids, her grandkids and everyone she knows. She has, pretty much, been this way all her life though. My mom bought her a pretty nice mobile home so she'd have a place to live AND to make sure she stays several states away. That's awful, but it's true. She isn't allowed to have my phone number because she would be calling every.single.day and I'd end up telling her exactly what I think. So, it's better that way.
My husband has 2 siblings he avoids like the plague and I wonder how come he's so different from both of them. I'm totally different from my brother, too. I think biology/heredity is 1 factor, but, obviously the determining one in how people "turn out" or live their lives isn't heredity or biology. I guess free will/choices all of that must play some substantially larger part than we think.
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Old 08-12-2011, 01:45 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,611 posts, read 9,672,539 times
Reputation: 10948
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix lady View Post
My husband has 2 siblings he avoids like the plague and I wonder how come he's so different from both of them.. I don't know--I guess biology is only 1 factor. Character or lack of seems to involve a lot of different things factors playing out along the way.
I think you may be right. I don't know how I ended up so different from my own siblings. I jokingly told my mom once that I must have been adopted. lol Actually she wonders the same thing sometimes. I think a LOT of it has to do with attitude as well. I've always had a good attitude about most everything, always been an optomistic kind of person and got along well with everyone. My siblings however aren't that way. I used to feel sorry for my sister because it seemed like no matter where she lived or who her neighbors were they were just AWFUL and "mean" to her. After years of listening to this I finally realized that the common denominator was HER and I should've "caught on" when we were still kids because she's always been this way.
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Old 08-12-2011, 04:29 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,847,719 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat View Post
Survival is necessary if we want to be reasonably happy and content. I've survived much in my lifetime and, yep, it just makes you stronger.

No, you CAN'T make a family "functional" so it's really important to not worry yourself to death over it. It is what it is. Sad? Yes, but survivable. You can't change anyone else but you can change you, which generally means accepting things as they are and going on with your own life.

I have often wondered how five siblings can be sooo different as adults. We all got along really well, as kids, had some good times and I really thought that would carry over to adulthood. Shocked me when it didn't! I think we were closer before my dad died but since then nothing has ever been the same. Another thing was that I lived away from the family for a lot of years, following a husband for his career and living here, there and everywhere, so things happened in my absence that I wasn't aware of. That's probably where the 'split' began between my siblings. I really try not to think about it much anymore because I don't like feeling 'sad' about it and there's nothing I can do about it either, so....
You seem to be very "emotionally intelligent."
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Old 08-12-2011, 04:30 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,847,719 times
Reputation: 8956
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix lady View Post
My husband has 2 siblings he avoids like the plague and I wonder how come he's so different from both of them. I'm totally different from my brother, too. I think biology/heredity is 1 factor, but, obviously the determining one in how people "turn out" or live their lives isn't heredity or biology. I guess free will/choices all of that must play some substantially larger part than we think.
I think you are right. It can be a shock for the parents, who thought they did a "good job" raising people!
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Old 08-12-2011, 04:33 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,611 posts, read 9,672,539 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
You seem to be very "emotionally intelligent."
I certainly hope so! I'll be 69 in a couple of months and would feel pretty stupid if I wasn't!! LOL I've learned a lot over the years and don't for one minute regret my 'life lessons'. It's made me who I am and I kinda like me.
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Old 08-20-2011, 12:48 PM
 
Location: mid-west
69 posts, read 94,318 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat View Post

No, you CAN'T make a family "functional" so it's really important to not worry yourself to death over it. It is what it is. Sad? Yes, but survivable. You can't change anyone else but you can change you, which generally means accepting things as they are and going on with your own life.
.
I think these are words that are worth remembering. Very smart way to look at things, AZSDesertBrat. I have found out recently that my family "normal" family is anything but normal.
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Old 08-20-2011, 02:42 PM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,883,686 times
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Yet still , I will always wonder, had I paid more attention to my son growing up, and after the divorce, maybe I should have " taken charge", private school?. Drug rehab,? Instead , I gave in , or up....and Now I have a son who is so different than me that we never talk, I do not even know where he lives. he must be 50 now ! He is or was my only Child. Really sad, but we always were far apart, miles , and a Mother ( ex wife) who lives a Gay lifestyle, since we parted 48 years ago.... I never knew what was in his head, never will.
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Old 08-20-2011, 08:54 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,964,817 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darstar View Post
Yet still , I will always wonder, had I paid more attention to my son growing up, and after the divorce, maybe I should have " taken charge", private school?. Drug rehab,? Instead , I gave in , or up....and Now I have a son who is so different than me that we never talk, I do not even know where he lives. he must be 50 now ! He is or was my only Child. Really sad, but we always were far apart, miles , and a Mother ( ex wife) who lives a Gay lifestyle, since we parted 48 years ago.... I never knew what was in his head, never will.
This is sad but probably not your fault. I believe in self-determination. Plenty of kids have great parents and turn out very different than what the parents hope for. And plenty have terrible parents and are abused and turn out great and loving. There's just no telling. If you really want to find out where he is, there are ways via the internet, if he hasn't changed his name. There are so many parents in this position, take heart.
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Old 08-20-2011, 09:36 PM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,178 posts, read 9,411,632 times
Reputation: 9552
I grew up in drama. My mother wanted a tall, lissome daughter she could train to be the runway model she was - and got stuck with me, a SLUF (Short Little Ugly Female). She never let me forget it. I went hunting and fishing and on emergency calls and to meet people with my dad in his business, instead of wearing makeup and the latest dresses and pretending to be something I wasn't. My mother constantly, until the very day she died, played mind games between my brothers and me (and with my dad, too, while he was alive). Because I was raised in it, my first marriage was to a lazy, good-for-nothing wife-and-child abuser. After I fled that, I sat down and decided, "No more relationships til I figure out who I am and what I want!"

By the time I met DH, I had it figured - NO MORE DRAMA. Ever. My brother was convicted of child molestation, my mother insisted I 'had' to take him in when he got out of federal prison (and we had a daughter in the house!). I told both her and him that if he showed up at my door, I would shoot him dead. My sister in law can't keep a relationship or a bank account, and abuses everyone including her two sons - I took one son in and raised him (along with other foster children), but told the mother she was not ever welcome. We raised three children of our own; two took their lives into their own hands and made something of themselves, one to this day insists that he can't take care of himself and it is all our fault, we owe him. We have told him never to set foot on our doorstep again. Cousins, friends, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters; doesn't matter. If they want drama, they aren't allowed here. I help once. That's it. And most people have already used that 'once'.

Yes I have a rep as a b***h. Ask me if I care. I have a great home, a great hubby, a wonderful life; I do as I please and don't care what people - ANY people - think of me. No one is entitled to the life I've worked for and earned, no one is permitted to disrupt or destroy it, to try to make me 'feel their pain' or make me unhappy or even uncomfortable. Period.

NO MORE DRAMA. Life is much quieter, no one calls me with their whining because they already know I don't care, won't save them, and I live MY life to the fullest. Because, you see, it IS my life.

As I've said before, I am emphatically not a savior - we all know what people did to the LAST one.
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