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Old 08-20-2011, 10:35 PM
 
Location: California
4,554 posts, read 5,467,791 times
Reputation: 9608

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Quote:
Originally Posted by SCGranny View Post
I grew up in drama. My mother wanted a tall, lissome daughter she could train to be the runway model she was - and got stuck with me, a SLUF (Short Little Ugly Female). She never let me forget it. I went hunting and fishing and on emergency calls and to meet people with my dad in his business, instead of wearing makeup and the latest dresses and pretending to be something I wasn't. My mother constantly, until the very day she died, played mind games between my brothers and me (and with my dad, too, while he was alive). Because I was raised in it, my first marriage was to a lazy, good-for-nothing wife-and-child abuser. After I fled that, I sat down and decided, "No more relationships til I figure out who I am and what I want!"

By the time I met DH, I had it figured - NO MORE DRAMA. Ever. My brother was convicted of child molestation, my mother insisted I 'had' to take him in when he got out of federal prison (and we had a daughter in the house!). I told both her and him that if he showed up at my door, I would shoot him dead. My sister in law can't keep a relationship or a bank account, and abuses everyone including her two sons - I took one son in and raised him (along with other foster children), but told the mother she was not ever welcome. We raised three children of our own; two took their lives into their own hands and made something of themselves, one to this day insists that he can't take care of himself and it is all our fault, we owe him. We have told him never to set foot on our doorstep again. Cousins, friends, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters; doesn't matter. If they want drama, they aren't allowed here. I help once. That's it. And most people have already used that 'once'.

Yes I have a rep as a b***h. Ask me if I care. I have a great home, a great hubby, a wonderful life; I do as I please and don't care what people - ANY people - think of me. No one is entitled to the life I've worked for and earned, no one is permitted to disrupt or destroy it, to try to make me 'feel their pain' or make me unhappy or even uncomfortable. Period.

NO MORE DRAMA. Life is much quieter, no one calls me with their whining because they already know I don't care, won't save them, and I live MY life to the fullest. Because, you see, it IS my life.

As I've said before, I am emphatically not a savior - we all know what people did to the LAST one.

We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are.

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Old 08-20-2011, 11:00 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,614 posts, read 9,676,241 times
Reputation: 10955
Quote:
Originally Posted by Corporate Orphan View Post
I think these are words that are worth remembering. Very smart way to look at things, AZSDesertBrat. I have found out recently that my family "normal" family is anything but normal.
I went through the same thing when I finally came home to stay after being far away from family for a long time. I was sorely disappointed that my family just wasn't what I thought they were as far as being close and getting along well. I think I must have built all that up in my head for a very long time. It took me a long time to accept that "it is what it is" but once I did my life became a lot easier. Now I just take them as they are and don't worry about it anymore. Some of them still disappoint me, a lot, but they are them and I am me and, evidently, ne'er the twain shall meet. I'm GLAD I'm me though.
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Old 08-20-2011, 11:04 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,614 posts, read 9,676,241 times
Reputation: 10955
Quote:
Originally Posted by SCGranny View Post
I grew up in drama. My mother wanted a tall, lissome daughter she could train to be the runway model she was - and got stuck with me, a SLUF (Short Little Ugly Female). She never let me forget it. I went hunting and fishing and on emergency calls and to meet people with my dad in his business, instead of wearing makeup and the latest dresses and pretending to be something I wasn't. My mother constantly, until the very day she died, played mind games between my brothers and me (and with my dad, too, while he was alive). Because I was raised in it, my first marriage was to a lazy, good-for-nothing wife-and-child abuser. After I fled that, I sat down and decided, "No more relationships til I figure out who I am and what I want!"

By the time I met DH, I had it figured - NO MORE DRAMA. Ever. My brother was convicted of child molestation, my mother insisted I 'had' to take him in when he got out of federal prison (and we had a daughter in the house!). I told both her and him that if he showed up at my door, I would shoot him dead. My sister in law can't keep a relationship or a bank account, and abuses everyone including her two sons - I took one son in and raised him (along with other foster children), but told the mother she was not ever welcome. We raised three children of our own; two took their lives into their own hands and made something of themselves, one to this day insists that he can't take care of himself and it is all our fault, we owe him. We have told him never to set foot on our doorstep again. Cousins, friends, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters; doesn't matter. If they want drama, they aren't allowed here. I help once. That's it. And most people have already used that 'once'.

Yes I have a rep as a b***h. Ask me if I care. I have a great home, a great hubby, a wonderful life; I do as I please and don't care what people - ANY people - think of me. No one is entitled to the life I've worked for and earned, no one is permitted to disrupt or destroy it, to try to make me 'feel their pain' or make me unhappy or even uncomfortable. Period.

NO MORE DRAMA. Life is much quieter, no one calls me with their whining because they already know I don't care, won't save them, and I live MY life to the fullest. Because, you see, it IS my life.

As I've said before, I am emphatically not a savior - we all know what people did to the LAST one.
Hear, hear! I couldn't have said it better. I feel the same way and it IS a very freeing way to be no matter what anyone else may think. I hate the drama of my siblings lives and I don't have to deal with it. I LIKE having my serenity, tranquility and peace.
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Old 08-21-2011, 04:06 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,475,774 times
Reputation: 29071
Default Dealing with Dysfunctional Family Members in Retirement

Looking again at the subject of this thread, in my mind there's no difference in dealing with dysfunctional family members in retirement than dealing with them before retirement. They're still dysfunctional and that hasn't changed, nor has my approach to them. If there is any difference at all it's because some have assumed room temperature but that's it. I mean, why wait until you retire to come to terms with the dysfunction. As presumable adults, those issues should have been addressed and laid to rest long before.
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Old 08-21-2011, 07:12 AM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,888,154 times
Reputation: 2770
SO....I think maybe the Family thing is more than its made out to be. My guess , women are the worst, in both directions...way too many drama queens...... Its a good possibility that not having kids ( except one bad experience) that my choice in picking a new wife hinged on the promise of not having children....I maybe right , after reading all these threads.... yes I have regrets , ...like not marring the girl I wanted to the most, because of the fact She would have wanted kids, I am sure.... My mood changes , depends on the memories, I still miss what could have been....even at 70.
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Old 08-21-2011, 07:33 AM
 
Location: not where you are
8,134 posts, read 7,639,152 times
Reputation: 6931
Quote:
Originally Posted by SCGranny View Post
I grew up in drama. My mother wanted a tall, lissome daughter she could train to be the runway model she was - and got stuck with me, a SLUF (Short Little Ugly Female). She never let me forget it. I went hunting and fishing and on emergency calls and to meet people with my dad in his business, instead of wearing makeup and the latest dresses and pretending to be something I wasn't. My mother constantly, until the very day she died, played mind games between my brothers and me (and with my dad, too, while he was alive). Because I was raised in it, my first marriage was to a lazy, good-for-nothing wife-and-child abuser. After I fled that, I sat down and decided, "No more relationships til I figure out who I am and what I want!"

By the time I met DH, I had it figured - NO MORE DRAMA. Ever. My brother was convicted of child molestation, my mother insisted I 'had' to take him in when he got out of federal prison (and we had a daughter in the house!). I told both her and him that if he showed up at my door, I would shoot him dead. My sister in law can't keep a relationship or a bank account, and abuses everyone including her two sons - I took one son in and raised him (along with other foster children), but told the mother she was not ever welcome. We raised three children of our own; two took their lives into their own hands and made something of themselves, one to this day insists that he can't take care of himself and it is all our fault, we owe him. We have told him never to set foot on our doorstep again. Cousins, friends, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters; doesn't matter. If they want drama, they aren't allowed here. I help once. That's it. And most people have already used that 'once'.

Yes I have a rep as a b***h. Ask me if I care. I have a great home, a great hubby, a wonderful life; I do as I please and don't care what people - ANY people - think of me. No one is entitled to the life I've worked for and earned, no one is permitted to disrupt or destroy it, to try to make me 'feel their pain' or make me unhappy or even uncomfortable. Period.

NO MORE DRAMA. Life is much quieter, no one calls me with their whining because they already know I don't care, won't save them, and I live MY life to the fullest. Because, you see, it IS my life.

As I've said before, I am emphatically not a savior - we all know what people did to the LAST one.
Deeeeeee ammmm nnnnnn, I love it. Couldn't rep ya again
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Old 08-21-2011, 09:07 AM
 
Location: East Coast
2,902 posts, read 4,580,910 times
Reputation: 4291
Quote:
Originally Posted by SCGranny View Post
NO MORE DRAMA. Life is much quieter, no one calls me with their whining because they already know I don't care, won't save them, and I live MY life to the fullest. Because, you see, it IS my life.

As I've said before, I am emphatically not a savior - we all know what people did to the LAST one.
GREAT post, Granny! Tried to rep you, but got the message that I have to "spread it around".
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Old 08-22-2011, 04:07 AM
 
13,318 posts, read 25,550,246 times
Reputation: 20500
It's always easier to imagine that you missed something good if you don't do it and find out whether it's good or not.
I am quite estranged from my bit of family. There wasn't much going on to begin with. I am distantly fond of my father, who offers nothing and asks less. I have cut off communication with my sister, who I never liked or respected, and it hasn't gotten any better over time. I cut off communication with my mother in 1990 and when she died in 2005, it was like a change in the weather.
I am not sure why people feel they must tolerate behavior and problems from family that they would *never* accept in friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc.
"Family is a genetic blind date."
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Old 08-22-2011, 04:20 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,475,774 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
"Family is a genetic blind date."
Ain't it the truth!?!?
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Old 08-22-2011, 04:01 PM
 
Location: California
4,554 posts, read 5,467,791 times
Reputation: 9608
Maybe they are posting about us under a different name?

Good point about resolving family issues before retirement but sometimes, work and immediate family, don't leave much time to even think about other relatives until retirement. Also, for me, after enough time has passed and we have matured and mellowed a little I always had the hope that things would be better but that Norman Rockwell picture never developed.
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