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Old 08-06-2011, 06:14 AM
 
4,070 posts, read 7,111,220 times
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Family, from g-g grandparents, g-g aunts and uncles all are buried in family plot in cemetery. I turned over my share of the plots to a cousin, as I don't plan to have a funeral and be buried there.

Two weeks ago a friend passed away, funeral cost $10K (closed casket and cremation); $3K for luncheon following. What is the point? To see how popular you were depending on how many people showed up?

I don't want any hoo hah, just a cremation and ashes in the ocean in Maui. Burying so many relatives the expense to me is ridiculous. I'm dead, the funeral is for the living. My philosophy is "visit me while I'm alive, don't bother when I'm dead."
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Old 08-06-2011, 06:34 AM
 
144 posts, read 94,859 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
My philosophy is "visit me while I'm alive, don't bother when I'm dead."
Love that idea!
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Old 08-06-2011, 06:45 AM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,179 posts, read 5,255,519 times
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My father (in his retirement years) managed a cemetery. He bought two side-by-side plots, one for him, one for mother. He prepaid for everything with an insurance policy; even had the headstone erected 10 years before his death with everything but the 'death dates' engraved. He had everything written down; what he wanted, what he didn't want (his mortician friends had a booklet). Naturally my mother and two brothers, after hs death wanted to change everything. My mother hated my father and tried to cut down expenses to the bare bones so she could get more back out of the insurance policy, one of my brothers was angry that he wasn't getting half of the estate and left early, the other tried to tell the mortician that Dad deserved a more expensive casket. With everyone squalling and fighting like cats, my DH and I walked in and told everyone bluntly to shut up. We went over the plans dad had made with the mortician very carefully, making him explain to my mother that Dad couldn't be buried in a pine box with no vault just to give her more money. We told both of my brothers off; one that the estate was ONLY split if BOTH parents died, otherwise mother got it all, and the other that if he wanted the blue casket with the embroidered silk, HE could pay the upcharge.

So even though Dad had planned very carefully and made all of the arrangements, the family did all that they could to make it a difficult and horrible experience. (Then they wondered why I wouldn't live anywhere near any of them.) When mother finally died, I was nowhere around and my brother made all of the 'arangements' - no funeral, no viewing, no wake, no casket, no flowers, nothing - he even tried not to contact us (so our friend the mortician told us) so he could keep "all the money". What he didn't know (and I did) was that mother had gone thru all of the money the first year after Dad died, and then invested in psychics and scam artists who accessed her checking and savings accounts and cleaned them out regularly of even her SS checks. (She always insisted that the bank tellers were stealing her money.) No she didn't have Altzheimer's, she was always an idiot. My brother had her cremated because it was cheapest, and then called me three months later to tell me that the mortician still had the ashes, did I want them? I said NO. He wouldn't even pay the piddling $75 out of her insurance to open the plot and put her in next to Dad.

We just moved to Nebraska 3 years ago, and are buying plots in the local cemetery ($500). We plan on both being cremated and having a small stone over us together, just like Dad did. Except we still like each other and want to be 'planted' next to each other! Although I have often joked that I wanted my ashes scattered in the apple orchard; it would give "Mom's Apple Pie" a whole new meaning!
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Old 08-06-2011, 07:23 AM
 
Location: Back Home In TN…YAY:):)
15,663 posts, read 15,045,969 times
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Throw me on the burn pile. Funerals are a waste of money and real estate to me..but there will be money left behind of my stepdaughter wants to do anything. Me...I could care less. It's just big business and I'd rather not line their pockets.
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Old 08-06-2011, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Central Florida
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This thread got me thinking as I still have remorse over what happened at my mother's death. The only family she had was my brother and me; I found her dead in her sleep and my brother flew from Oregon. There was a will but no instructions as to what she wanted and there was no plot next to my dad in Chicago. SO we opted for a cremation, but no service as she didn't have too many friends here as she was a fairly new transplant. BUT what will forever live with me is that I didn't opt to even say goodbye as I didn't think I could face seeing her again knowing that would be the last time; my brother didn't either as he said he wanted to remember her as he had last seen her a week before at Christmas. BUT really due to that decision, I had no closure, and I still mourn that fact.

SO on my "to do" list for next year when I retire, I am going to pay for a pre-planning cremation service with instructions, so my kids do not have to worry about it. I looked at some of our funeral parlors here, and I can get it done nicely for under 1,500 and have my ashes spread over the ocean that I love.
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Old 08-06-2011, 07:55 AM
 
Location: delaware
476 posts, read 301,054 times
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Default funeral plans

my parents had no plans, even though they both lived into their eighties, which 25-30 years ago was rather old. i ended up going to the cemetery the day after my father's death and buying a "plot" for him and my mother, who died ten years later. i was an only child which has its advantages in such circumstances, but my mother, who was used to having things taken care of for her, had never wanted to discuss any planning in advance. she assumed that i would take care of it,and she was right.
when my husband died, somewhat unexpectedly and certainly prematurely, i had him cremated, which was my desire. he really did not have a strong preference, although we had not discussed it in great detail.
for myself, i have to say i prefer cremation but i don't care very much. my significant other wants burial and wants us buried together, although, in my case, it would be burying ashes. we have talked about it, have done the wills, which, in his case, include some wishes for funeral and burial. i feel that a funeral or memorial service is for those who remain, and what ever might be comforting for them would probably be o.k. with me. i have told the S.O. that if i pre-decease him i want all of my animals' ashes and my husband's ashes( which i still have ) to be buried with my ashes in the burial plot which he selects for all of us. he is fine with that, understanding that my husband was a part of my life for over half of my life, and he certainly understands and shares my love for my my cats.
so, these are the plans so far. to be continued...

catsy girl
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Old 08-06-2011, 08:08 AM
 
Location: The Brightest City On Earth
1,283 posts, read 739,757 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Most of us who frequent the Retirement Forum are old enough that we have either buried one or both parents or have had the occasion to give the matter some thought. What decisions have you made that turned out well? What do you wish you had done differently?

Obviously one size does not fit all. If there are family traditions such as being buried in a particular cemetery, then there may be a large measure of comfort in following those. If you are an only child with only one surviving parent, then it is all up to you - no need to negotiate with siblings and compromise. In no particular order, here are some topics for discussion - and there are doubtless others to be added.

1. Pre-planning and/or pre-paying your own funeral If a person has planned and pre-paid his/her own funeral, then the burden of decisions and the chores of arrangements are eliminated or at least substantially reduced for surviving loved ones. My mother had purchased a burial plot before her death, but had not made any other arrangements. Even that one step made things easier for me and my sister.

2. Cremation versus traditional burial Over the past 20 or 30 years cremation has become more and more common in the United States. Lower cost is one of several advantages which are frequently cited. If traditional burial is part of a long family tradition, then cremation may be outside of the emotional comfort zone. Traditional funerals needn't cost an arm and a leg, however. Choice of casket and many other variables can be done reasonably.

3. Family dynamics If there is already a lot of resentment among family members, an emotional time like the death of a loved one can bring out the worst, and there can be bitter and ugly spats about arrangements as people maneuver to assert control. If you don't believe me just ask any experienced funeral director. If these conditions apply it's one more argument in favor of #1 above.

There is doubtless much I have left out, and I look forward to seeing the gaps filled in.
My only planning was to tell my daughter that, when the time comes, I am to be allowed to die in peace and that I am to be burned and to take my ashes to the Grand Canyon and throw them over the rim so my spirit can be free to fly with the eagles. I do not want any funeral, memorial stone or anything left of me upon this earth except my Facebook page.
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Old 08-06-2011, 08:09 AM
 
Location: The Brightest City On Earth
1,283 posts, read 739,757 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by younglisa7 View Post
Throw me on the burn pile. Funerals are a waste of money and real estate to me..but there will be money left behind of my stepdaughter wants to do anything. Me...I could care less. It's just big business and I'd rather not line their pockets.
Good for you!! I agree 100%
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Old 08-06-2011, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Central Florida
959 posts, read 724,633 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vegas Joe View Post
My only planning was to tell my daughter that, when the time comes, I am to be allowed to die in peace and that I am to be burned and to take my ashes to the Grand Canyon and throw them over the rim so my spirit can be free to fly with the eagles. I do not want any funeral, memorial stone or anything left of me upon this earth except my Facebook page.


This is so true as our social media groups really becomes our memorial in a way as without knowing the password, it often cannot go away OR if no one in the family knows about the sites frequented. People still post on a fellow teacher's FB page 2 years after his death. AND/BUT that is why what we say on the net is what will be immortalized ...and that should give anyone pause and to think before thoughts and photos are posted, but unfortunately it doesn't.
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Old 08-06-2011, 09:52 AM
 
Location: WA
3,945 posts, read 12,304,283 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PatRoy1 View Post
My MIL requested this. It still cost a substantial amount. We had to pay to have her body prepared and shipped to the med school. About a year later, we were told to come by and pick up her ashes. As I recall, they were vague on whether these even were her ashes.

Not so much as a thank you from the med school.

As far as I can tell, this will not become a tradition in our family.
You will have to use a local medical school and sign agreements in advance. Retention of the ashes is usually waived. This is usually a no charge method of making a last contribution to society.
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