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Most of us who frequent the Retirement Forum are old enough that we have either buried one or both parents or have had the occasion to give the matter some thought. What decisions have you made that turned out well? What do you wish you had done differently?
Obviously one size does not fit all. If there are family traditions such as being buried in a particular cemetery, then there may be a large measure of comfort in following those. If you are an only child with only one surviving parent, then it is all up to you - no need to negotiate with siblings and compromise. In no particular order, here are some topics for discussion - and there are doubtless others to be added.
1. Pre-planning and/or pre-paying your own funeral If a person has planned and pre-paid his/her own funeral, then the burden of decisions and the chores of arrangements are eliminated or at least substantially reduced for surviving loved ones. My mother had purchased a burial plot before her death, but had not made any other arrangements. Even that one step made things easier for me and my sister.
2. Cremation versus traditional burial Over the past 20 or 30 years cremation has become more and more common in the United States. Lower cost is one of several advantages which are frequently cited. If traditional burial is part of a long family tradition, then cremation may be outside of the emotional comfort zone. Traditional funerals needn't cost an arm and a leg, however. Choice of casket and many other variables can be done reasonably.
3. Family dynamics If there is already a lot of resentment among family members, an emotional time like the death of a loved one can bring out the worst, and there can be bitter and ugly spats about arrangements as people maneuver to assert control. If you don't believe me just ask any experienced funeral director. If these conditions apply it's one more argument in favor of #1 above.
There is doubtless much I have left out, and I look forward to seeing the gaps filled in.
In the town I just moved to, there are cemeteries everywhere, by ethnic group--French, Polish, Irish, etc. I look at the acres of graves and wonder how, with the huge wave of boomers reaching old age, this can possibly be sustained.
My sister insisted on giving my mother a $10K funeral with all the trappings. She would have been appalled.
In Vermont there is a lovely crematorium (licensed) in the country that I will be shipped to (actually, I would like to have my pine box carried in a wagon with hay surrounding it and pulled by a horse). I am going to arrange it as soon as I can wrap my head around it, soon.
The old style of expensive caskets, funerals, burials seems ridiculous to me, and a vanity. I'd rather leave that kind of money to a charity (I hope that horse doesn't cost too much ).
My dad died a year and a half ago. He had a crypt and desired to be cremated. His wife died 11 years before and most of his friends were gone. A day before he died he instructed me to not have a service, he wanted nothing posted in the newspaper, he did not want any foo foo.
I followed his wishes, some members of his wifes family were not happy, and, very vocal about it. They explained to me that the service was for the living, a time to say goodbye, at first I was in turmoil, then I realized that this was his death, his wish, not theirs.
As an only child, I did not have to argue with any siblings, for that I was grateful.
I like the idea of spelling everything out in writing, makes it so much easier for all concerned.
1. Pre-planning and/or pre-paying your own funeral If a person has planned and pre-paid his/her own funeral, then the burden of decisions and the chores of arrangements are eliminated or at least substantially reduced for surviving loved ones. My mother had purchased a burial plot before her death, but had not made any other arrangements. Even that one step made things easier for me and my sister.
My parents pre-planned and pre-paid back in the 70's. When Dad passed away in 2001, all we had to do it tell the mortuary to update the number of grandchildren and great-grandchildren for the obituary. Everything was taken care of.
The only argument we had was with the city - they had recently changed their laws, and they would not let us give Dad a military salute with guns being fired.
The tradition in my family is to donate the body to a medical school and later have an informal memorial gathering.
My MIL requested this. It still cost a substantial amount. We had to pay to have her body prepared and shipped to the med school. About a year later, we were told to come by and pick up her ashes. As I recall, they were vague on whether these even were her ashes.
Not so much as a thank you from the med school.
As far as I can tell, this will not become a tradition in our family.
Both parents had pre-planned, right down to Psalms, readings, songs etc. Both had pre-paid. Both had requested cremation and quick burial, with Memorial or Celebration of Life service when convenient to my brother and me. I will do the same, except not fall victim to the pre-pay. It's an insurance policy and if it's not paid in full by the time of the death, you still end up owing. I calculated the payments made over the course of their payment time line and the residual I had to pay for the "gap" for their cremation, burial, death certificates, etc. I will set aside an amount in my trust in the executors name, to be available upon my death for my funeral expenses.
I know that I'm not being helpful, but I really don't care what happens when I die. I'll be dead! What do I know? Everything that happens is for the benefit of the family and friends. Accommodate them in any way necessary.
When my husband died, a few people helped with food, others with the service, some with transportation, some with catering...
It really doesn't matter whether or not things go well, they just go and then ...they're over
We have a trust, instructions include cremation and vault in the Veterans Cemetery.
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