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Old 08-13-2011, 06:40 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
3,088 posts, read 4,680,891 times
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I have decided that I will stay in my home. . . .period. In the case of the need of hospice end of life care, I would be fine in a "facility", and I suppose I am lucky, with no Altzheimers in the family. My sister lives close by, she is younger than I am, but much less healthy, so. . . . . ..
The one thing I am certain of is that I am much happier alone than in any kind of abusive realtionship. I expect to die alone, and hope only to have enough time to re-home my wonderful dog, and make a few other arrangements. . . . but really, it's only the animals that I worry about!
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Old 08-13-2011, 07:20 PM
 
701 posts, read 1,532,099 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Of course we cannot (and in many cases should not) depend on family for care, but we could at least hope for visits when we are in that kind of condition. Can't we? And what about close friends who are still active and healthy--what if they are too consumed with their family life, etc. to visit very often.
While I can't say what is going on with those who no longer visit close friends as they age and deal with declining health, but it has been my experience that many older people do not reciprocate in relationships. They expect that others will provide them with companionship out of a sense of duty or in return for the occasional tidbits of money. That's a poor hand to bet on.

I think of the relationship between Evelyn (Kathy Bates) and Ninny (Jessica Tandy) in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes. Ninny listened and empathized with Evelyn's trials and tribulations as well as told the story of Idgy Threadgood and the Whistle Stop Cafe. She was an interesting companion and Evelyn responded to it.

It reminded me of my dear next door neighbor. At 90, she had friends from the neighborhood, from church and from the nursing home where she volunteered for years. One friend used to take her shopping, another picked her up for church. She baked caramel rolls and cookies and casseroles that she shared and she always had time for tea and sympathy. She loved a good joke and always had a stack of romance novels to trade. She had health problems. Who doesn't at 90? But she didn't dwell on them.

Nor did she sit around waiting for her kids and grandkids to visit. But when they did, she remembered what was going on in their and lives and asked about it.

She was a dear friend. I miss her dreadfully and hope that I can age as she did.
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Old 08-13-2011, 07:42 PM
 
Location: Kenosha, Wisconsin
111 posts, read 184,322 times
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Default To: Fairwinds

Just curious:

Where is this place, where the "cost of living is slightly less and the weather more to my liking."
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Old 08-13-2011, 08:03 PM
 
Location: delaware
688 posts, read 864,884 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PAhippo View Post
not everyone has that option. I couldn't afford to live where I grew up! (Not sure I'd want to anyway).

I think about this some but don't really see a solution. I do have long term care insurance but the social/people aspect will just have to be whatever they are.


just to clarify, the town i refer to as the one where i have good friends and to which i'd seriously consider returning, is not the town i grew up in and lived in for fifty plus years. the town i feel most comfortable in is one i lived in as an adult and always, almost immediately, felt as if i'd been living in forever, even though i spent relatively few years there. fortunately it is affordable, more so than the town where i was raised and spent most of my life. often it's the experiences we have in places and the relationships that develop there rather than the length of time we've lived in a place. and i do feel that some places we just resonate with and it's not always easy to know the reason.
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Old 08-13-2011, 08:18 PM
 
7,495 posts, read 9,765,419 times
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It is always really sad to hear about situations like this. And it's always easy to blame younger generations for not sticking around to care for their own, but they do have their own lives. IMO when this happens in my family, I would move my mom to where I live if she got to a point where she couldn't care for herself and if I happen to live elsewhere in the country. That's what I think people should do, but then again, elders can be stubborn, they might not want to leave homes they've lived in for years and whatnot, but then what? This is where these kinds of issues likely start.
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Old 08-13-2011, 08:35 PM
 
4,484 posts, read 4,745,031 times
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A few years ago, I, along with my siblings, got these letters from a sister that has pushed essentially all of us away from her. The letters came after she visited my 80yr old mother who lives alone. The letters were about how horrible we were for not visiting mother enough and that she really needed us all to visit more.

Prior to getting the letter, I had several conversations with my mother about just this thing. So, I was confused when the letter came and I thought maybe my mother was not being honest with me. I called her right away and asked if she knew about these letters and the contents. Boy, was she furious. She had no idea about any of it and said, lovingly of course, if she had all of us visiting her more she would go crazy. We had a good laugh, then she called my sister, the writer of the letters and had a "talk" with her.

A lot of elderly people are forgotten and then again many times we have no idea about the lives they have lead. We can't always blame the far away relatives or children.
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Old 08-13-2011, 09:14 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,093 posts, read 5,912,934 times
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I am planning the same...do have long-term care insurance, but other than that-no plan/want to move from home. I am divorced, no kids...when time, my hope is to die at home surrounded by my loving cats, who have always provided me constant comfort.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cap1717 View Post
I have decided that I will stay in my home. . . .period. In the case of the need of hospice end of life care, I would be fine in a "facility", and I suppose I am lucky, with no Altzheimers in the family. My sister lives close by, she is younger than I am, but much less healthy, so. . . . . ..
The one thing I am certain of is that I am much happier alone than in any kind of abusive realtionship. I expect to die alone, and hope only to have enough time to re-home my wonderful dog, and make a few other arrangements. . . . but really, it's only the animals that I worry about!
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Old 08-13-2011, 10:21 PM
Status: "Support the Mining Law of 1872" (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: Cody, WY
9,583 posts, read 10,930,257 times
Reputation: 19225
Quote:
Originally Posted by cap1717 View Post
I expect to die alone, and hope only to have enough time to re-home my wonderful dog, and make a few other arrangements. . . . but really, it's only the animals that I worry about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
I am divorced, no kids...when time, my hope is to die at home surrounded by my loving cats, who have always provided me constant comfort.
My wife died six years ago after forty-two years of marriage. I have no children or siblings. My animals are my social network. When I'm not home with them I miss them. They're my only concern after my death.
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Old 08-14-2011, 10:32 AM
 
52 posts, read 78,092 times
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You really have got it! My husband have observed over the years how lonliness effects the elderly through his parents. THey moved to FLorida and felt that it would answer all of their problems, however, they were not social people and not joiners at all. They spent their days watching TV and became negative about everything. He told me for 15 years I wish I could find a little part time job..he should have. We finally went to Fla and brought them back home to NY. They spent their last 3 years living with us until they died. It was the happiest 3 years for all of us, we gave my mother in law her very first birthday party at 80! I think that the answer is to get up, get dressed and get out. Go find something that you are passionat about, schools, animals, the library, church do something for someone else will make you feel better. Sit and hand out tickets at your local movie theater for minimum wage, who cares, a few extra bucks in your pocket and a whole bunch of people to say hi to!
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Old 08-14-2011, 12:14 PM
 
Location: Connecticut is my adopted home.
2,277 posts, read 3,080,661 times
Reputation: 7018
I think this is concern for many that either don't have much family or where family isn't close. Friends are great but at least in our experience they tend to move away to be with family more often than not (for better or worse) and they don't come back, altering the daily dynamics of friendships.

The problem that the OP addressed has to do with the point in time in a life when one can't hold a job or are not readily mobile, where most of the control of one's destiny has been removed by time and infirmity. The traditional answer has been the "home" but finding kindred spirits in a roommate or those close at hand in a adult care facility is not a sure thing especially one that mixes elderly with folks of diminished mental capacity or the mentally ill.

My grandmother (who had plenty of family visitors) went to a decent nursing facility after she became too blind and fragile to care for herself in a home setting. She had a roommate for a number of years that she liked really well but when her friend and roommate died, another woman moved in that was irritating to her in her personal habits and her constant demands of both herself and the staff. Grandmother got onto a room change request list but declined rapidly after the new roommate moved in and died before she could be changed.

It's a tough issue, one many people choose to ignore rather than address, hoping for the best but not planning for the worst.
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