Aloneness in Old Age (state, relatives, retirees, cousins)

[cls88]

C2ShiningC,

I am so sorry that you are going through such hardship at such a young age. Is there anyway you can find someone your age (or one of your old friends) to share an apartment, or a small house? That way cost of living would be low, you would have someone around and have your pet. Talk to people and make friends in your city on this forum, local online groups, facebook, or whatever means your have. You never know. Maybe you will find someone who you can relate to.

[LauraC]

I have been a loner for most of my life and I'm very comfortable with it. I'll reassess when I'm 70, ten years from now, and see where my friends are located. They aren't all retired, yet, and they live in different states. My one immediate relative has mismanaged her entire life. I've seen her maybe 3 times in 15 years for very brief periods. I don't see the attraction of living near her just because we're related.

[C2ShiningC]

Thank you, cls, for your post, I appreciate your thoughts. I cannot move as they built this apartment for me. None of my old friends would ever leave SoCal, plus they all have homes, kids, family, etc. I cannot have a roommate.

I know I sound terribly ungrateful, and that is really hard, because I feel that I have no right to complain. Most people would not have spent the money my brother and SIL did to build me this apartment, and I am very grateful that they did. The trade-off I have for the negative aspects is that I live in a lovely apartment, in a lovely neighborhood, which is very safe (and safety is important to me), for a rental cost which is low for this area. But the trade-off for the pets is the most difficult thing, and I sort of resigned myself to it, but it is still really hard. It gets even harder when I have to hear about all my friends' pets, see all their pictures on Facebook, read about other people's pets being the thing that keeps them going, etc.

I essentially live online, and do have friends and have made friends through the outlets you mentioned, but it still is not the same as in-the-flesh friends. The reality is that, even if I still lived in California, I would still be housebound, although friends could come see me. It is the housebound part that is truly the most difficult thing.

Anyway, I didn't mean to make this about me, I just didn't know how to contribute my thoughts without a little background, and I think this is an important subject. Thank you again for your kind post.

[imcurious]

Originally Posted by C2ShiningC

Thank you, cls, for your post, I appreciate your thoughts. I cannot move as they built this apartment for me. None of my old friends would ever leave SoCal, plus they all have homes, kids, family, etc. I cannot have a roommate.

I know I sound terribly ungrateful, and that is really hard, because I feel that I have no right to complain. Most people would not have spent the money my brother and SIL did to build me this apartment, and I am very grateful that they did. The trade-off I have for the negative aspects is that I live in a lovely apartment, in a lovely neighborhood, which is very safe (and safety is important to me), for a rental cost which is low for this area. But the trade-off for the pets is the most difficult thing, and I sort of resigned myself to it, but it is still really hard. It gets even harder when I have to hear about all my friends' pets, see all their pictures on Facebook, read about other people's pets being the thing that keeps them going, etc.

I essentially live online, and do have friends and have made friends through the outlets you mentioned, but it still is not the same as in-the-flesh friends. The reality is that, even if I still lived in California, I would still be housebound, although friends could come see me. It is the housebound part that is truly the most difficult thing.

Anyway, I didn't mean to make this about me, I just didn't know how to contribute my thoughts without a little background, and I think this is an important subject. Thank you again for your kind post.

I am also sorry about your plight, but I am the kind of person who thinks you ALWAYS have options . . . you might offer them "x" amount of money more (say $100 per month) in exchange for having a pet . . .

You might find another way to move back to SoCal (I know you feel guilty because they built the house for you, but are you willing to give up your LIFE for guilt?)

There are likely still more options . . . you just need to think creatively and have courage . . . not settle . . . I know, easy for me to say . . .but I believe it is a way for you to find a more satisfying way of life.

[cls88]

Originally Posted by C2ShiningC

I cannot move as they built this apartment for me.

I can totally understand your difficult situation.

But it is just so sad to think you have to live in such a condition for so many years ahead.

You are a very grateful person, which is why you stay in the apartment regardless how hard it is for you. If one day you have a chance to change the situation, I'd encourage you doing so. If you are happier, your health probably will improve too.

Take care.

[English Dave]

This is a very sad thread. As the great Bette Davis said "old age is no place for sissies." It
is a massive problem here in England as well. I'm 58 now, and there are people I've known
all my life from being a boy, who I've seen go from being in the prime of life, now into old
age. I know we need to plan for old age, but for many it's a difficult thing to do, part of you
thinks things will carry on forever as they are now, we all know this is untrue. My father used
to have all sorts of plans for old age, then died suddenly at 55. My wife's mother who is 86 lives with us, so I'm seeing close up the ravages of old age, but she has us, so is not lonely.
We plan to move soon to the coast, to be near our daughter, so as we age, she is near to
keep an eye on us. For everything else, we hope for the best.

[Bideshi]

With all the DINKS growing older and nearing retirement, I see an entire generation of lonely old people coming up.

[haggardhouseelf]

I can't imagine spending my last days on earth in some house by myself, alone. To me that seems too sad.

My husband and I both want to go into an assisted living facility as soon as they'll allow us to. We're only 35 and 39 but we're already talking about it. We have a lot of those places in the city where we live. We ride our bikes by and try to decide which one we would prefer to spend our last days in. There's a few on the coast as well... but when you get old the wind and cold weather bothers you, so we think an inland facility might be more comfortable?

We want to both have those scooters that old people use to get around, and we're going to have scooter races. I'm going to color my hair purple and hot pink and fire engine red and get my nails done in crazy colors, he's going to paint flames on his scooter and wear sex pistols' t-shirts and ripped blue jeans and doc marten boots and converse sneakers. Or maybe just wear his PJ's all the time. We're gonna cuss when we feel like it and not care who hears us. We're going to get matching henna tattoos in places where our skin isn't as wrinkled - if we have any such places by that age.

We're going to play bingo like nobody's business and we're going to hoot and holler and start an old person gang. We're going to see dollar movies and get every single senior discount we can get. And we're going to do puzzles until our hands shake too much to do them anymore, then we'll take up painting and make the shaky stokes part of the charm of our artwork. We'll have art shows but instead of fussy frou-frou events with expensive wine and stinky cheese we'll all wear our pajama's and fuzzy house slippers and have tea and lots of chocolate, and maybe order pizza, too, if we can still chew.

We are looking forward to getting old. And we've decided whoever goes first gets cremated, and whoever goes last gets cremated, too, and then our ashes buried with the other's ashes, and we'll share a spot in the cemetery and share a gravestone, too. "Too Old Farts, Young at Heart, Crazy In Love, Always and Forever"... we're still working the wording out...

I hope it works out.

[Curmudgeon]

I've been pretty much of a loner all my life and enjoyed it. My best times growing up were riding my bicycle and exploring new places, walking through the woods with my dog, sailing in company with a good book, etc.

I married and ultimately had five children so there was a lot of hustle and bustle and I enjoyed that but when the ex left me after 25 years, three of the children were grown and gone and she took the other two with her, I rediscovered how much I enjoyed peace, quiet and solitude in company with only a pet.

I did remarry after a few years, my wife is not "intrusive" and we get along well without needing constant interaction with others or even between ourselves at times although we do enjoy time spent together.

I'm a bit of a dichotomy in that I'm a gregarious anti-social with a good sense of humor that others seem drawn to and enjoy but I don't cultivate close friendships and value my alone times.

Should my wife predecease me I would have no problem living alone and maintaining our home just for myself and whatever pet(s) I/we might have (two rescue cats at present). As long as I have a computer, good books, a vegetable garden and see my children and grandchildren occasionally - none of them live close - I can be quite content. I would not remarry.

Alone does not have to mean lonely.

[Happy in Wyoming]

Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf

I can't imagine spending my last days on earth in some house by myself, alone. To me that seems too sad.

My husband and I both want to go into an assisted living facility as soon as they'll allow us to. We're only 35 and 39 but we're already talking about it. We have a lot of those places in the city where we live. We ride our bikes by and try to decide which one we would prefer to spend our last days in. There's a few on the coast as well... but when you get old the wind and cold weather bothers you, so we think an inland facility might be more comfortable?

I hope it works out.

Assuming that this is a serious post which is hard to believe, I think it's sad that someone in early middle age looks forward to the day when she is no longer physically or mentally able to manage her life. Assisted living is the last stop before the nursing home. The people who post on this forum are either old or getting there; however, I don't believe that I have ever read a post other than yours in which someone expressed a desire to require a keeper. Perhaps you don't know what assisted living is; just click on the link below to find out.

The Assisted Living Federation of America states that the average age of assisted living residents is 86.9 years (female average age, 87.3; male average age, 85.7). Female residents (73.6%) outnumber male residents by almost 3 to 1. The majority (76.6%) of assisted living residents are widowed, and just over 12% are still married or have a significant other. The average length of stay for assisted living residents is 28.3 months (the median is 21.0 months). When people leave an assisted living facility after a typically short stay, they are either headed for a nursing home or a cemetery. People don't have fun in these facilities; they're waiting to die.

If this is a troll post, keep im mind that you're not too young for early onset Alzheimer's.

Assisted Living & Senior Living Resources | About Assisted Living Federation of America

Early-onset Alzheimer's disease - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia