Aloneness in Old Age (communities, blog, retiree, vacation)

[English Dave]

I had a chance to study loneliness in old age close up when I was 14. My father, who was
divorced met a single lady who had moved in next to his mother. It was quite inconvenient
for him with me being 14 and wanting to be with this lady, so he moved me in with his
mother, himself with this lady. Well, as you can imagine I was'nt very happy with this! My
grandmother at the time was about 75, a real victorian born about 1891. She had been a
widow for years. She had a "gentleman friend" who was the cause of great amusement to
her children. He lived two doors up from my fathers girlfriend! One night I came home to
find my gran in a very agitated state, she and her "gentleman friend" had a row, and he'd
gone off to a local pub were he had his eye on another old lady, who he brought home
with him later this evening. My grandmother saw this, fumed for a while, then flew out of
her house knocking hard on his door, and shouting, she was very upset. My father opened
his bedroom window and called down "mother, go home, you're showing yourself up!"
I watched this in astonishment. I learned that night that old people do have deep feelings
not just the young, and how lonely she truly was.

[newenglandgirl]

Originally Posted by boonelsewhere

i am very comfortable when be alone, strangely enough i fell very lonely in the social function with a lot of people.

I think lots of retirees feel rather comfortable being alone, and perhaps may be loners at heart. I think the issue I was raising in my OP is not so much are we loners or not, but the whole idea of being very old and infirm with absolutely no family or friends to be with us in the latter years.

There's various places, for instance, that I would like to move to, based on my knowledge of those areas. But my family and friends are here, and age is now a major factor in everything I decide.

I'm wondering if singles 0ver 55 or 60 or 65, etc are making specific plans on where to live at this stage based on this concern.

[newenglandgirl]

Originally Posted by C2ShiningC

Anyway, in answer to the OP, I think that you never know what will happen. I never expected to be in this position, ever. But here I am, 55, disabled, far away from most of the people who mattered to me, people who actually liked me for who I was, and trapped. If I could go back in time, I would not have left all those people behind, they were far more important than rivers and trees and less crowds, etc. Sadly, the longer I am away, the more distant those relationships become - as I said, the telephone is simply not a substitute. I never thought I could really be lonely, because I never really was before, but I am now and I wish I hadn't moved. Think long and hard about how important it is to have family and friends living near you, and how life might be if you move away from them. I am (only) 55, and whatever years I have left look long and lonely indeed.

Your whole post (I didn't quote the whole of it) is a perfect example of what I meant in my OP. Yours is a tough story, and one that probably is far more frequent than you'd think. My ex's aunt moved from San Diego a number of years ago when her mother, my ex's grandmother, was alive and living in New Hampshire (Portsmouth, a lovely small city). She moved there to be close to her mother, as my ex's father was a terrible son to the mother. The grandmother was in a nursing home in Portsmouth. So the aunt goes into this tiny apartment on a busy street, very dark place and rather depressing; but she is close to the nursing home to visit daily. She was in her 60s at the time. She lived there for maybe 10 years and then her mother died. She was stuck, all alone, until finally her own son somehow got her back out west, Nevada I think---but by then, the best of her golden years were gone and she declined fairly quickly in her 70s.

The moral of this story, for me, is to not lose our best (whatever that is) source of networking when we are in our 50s and 60s. Sometimes, when we lose it, we cannot recover it.

In your case, the thought that comes to mind is apply for low-income senior housing back in your own state now (but only to those places that put you in close proximity to your former network of friends). The waiting list can be a year or two so do it now. I know of two people in really nice low income places in CA, but they had to wait 12 to 18 mos. to get in. One of them has a small dog, the other is in a place that only allows cats, so there would be the option for a pet.

You could sit down with your brother and explain your feelings, and enlist his help. Perhaps he will understand and actually assist you. Being with seniors around your own age, both disabled and not, would boost your spirits and make you feel part of life again. There's some more ideas so DM me if you want to hear some.

[newenglandgirl]

Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf

,,,,,,we're going to hoot and holler and start an old person gang.

That's the ticket--an old persons' gang! And we can march on Washington for better conditions and elimination of taxes...riding in on motorcycles and wheelchairs and light aircraft or hot air balloons...

Maybe that's it, that the aging population (ie, Boomers) are much too complacent about making our social and economic needs known, we are too willing to accept our parents' model of aging. It's new models we need for growing old.

[PatRoy1]

Originally Posted by Happy in Wyoming

People don't have fun in these facilities; they're waiting to die.

We are all waiting to die. What we do with the time we have is what makes the difference.

I drop my Mom off every day at an adult day program at a continuing care facility. I see plenty of folks having fun.

Originally Posted by Morwyn_7

My mother was 92 when she died and she was one of those who insisted on living in her own home until the end. She had lived in that house for 63 years with my father when he died, 5 years before her, and she did not want to move elsewhere. She had other options but she wanted to stay in place with all she knew.

With a little help and some house adjustments she lived out the rest of her life in her own home. For my mother ending up in what she called an old people's home would have been hell. We are all different.

We are indeed all different. No argument with you there. If your mother decided to live alone in her own home after her lifelong companion passed away, fine by me. And if a little help and a few minor adjustments made that possible and she was happy as a clam--Hurrah for you all. Sounds like it worked out well for all concerned.

What I don't get is those who insist on living alone and then complain about how others won't provide the amount of companionship they crave.

[catsy girl]

Originally Posted by newenglandgirl

I think lots of retirees feel rather comfortable being alone, and perhaps may be loners at heart. I think the issue I was raising in my OP is not so much are we loners or not, but the whole idea of being very old and infirm with absolutely no family or friends to be with us in the latter years.

There's various places, for instance, that I would like to move to, based on my knowledge of those areas. But my family and friends are here, and age is now a major factor in everything I decide.

I'm wondering if singles 0ver 55 or 60 or 65, etc are making specific plans on where to live at this stage based on this concern.

i have been in this dilemma for some time. i haven't had family for years, and when my husband died 9 years ago i lost the last/only significant person in my life.
i've been a relationship with a significant other for 8 years, and 5 years ago, after both of us regularly traveling 90 miles back and forth to be with each other and after considering other scenarios, i moved where he is. the current location is pleasant, affordable,convenient, relatively safe, but it does not, and probably will not ever resonate with me on the deepest levels. even if he wished to move, and he sometimes does, there are issues- one being health- which would make it very difficult. he enriches my life but also complicates it.
so, here i am where i have made friends, connections, become in involved in groups,work very part time at a job i like, but feel there are other places i'd rather be. i am 68 and feel that, at most, i may have 15 more "good" years?? my guess is i'll stay here for the length of his life or possibly mine. if he dies before me, depending on my age at that time, i would probably go into a ccrc, and i have investigated possibilities of those in the areas where i still have connections, friends, and where, at least i think, i would rather live.
i would like to be settled, have everything "sewed up" but in this era of aging boomers and quasi-boomers ( that's me ), i think there are no golden answers. i think we will, as someone said ( i wish i could remember who ) have to live the questions.

catsy girl

[newenglandgirl]

Does anyone here discuss with other family members your options and what would happen if you decided to move elsewhere...like would they want you to come back in very old age? In other words, did/do you discuss options about the latter years, or is that too difficult to do with family members (who may or may not want to be there for you)?

[loveautumn]

Nope, never discussed. I don't bring it up and neither do they. When I do talk to them, about 3 times a year, one of them will ask "how's your health"...like they are worried that I'm deteriorating and they might get stuck with me someday. I think they live in fear that I might move back to the area when I get older. Truth be told, they are the last people I would want making decisions for me or about me. I don't even like being around them any more. I think I'd rather wander into the woods and let mother nature take over then have them stick me in a nursing home somewhere (I saw what happened with my father so I have facts to base this on). I guess I'm in a fairly unique situation where family/relatives are not an option in old age. So, I'm not basing my decision on where to live in retirement to include help from my estranged (and strange) family.

[Escort Rider]

Originally Posted by loveautumn

Nope, never discussed. I don't bring it up and neither do they. When I do talk to them, about 3 times a year, one of them will ask "how's your health"...like they are worried that I'm deteriorating and they might get stuck with me someday. I think they live in fear that I might move back to the area when I get older. Truth be told, they are the last people I would want making decisions for me or about me. I don't even like being around them any more. I think I'd rather wander into the woods and let mother nature take over then have them stick me in a nursing home somewhere (I saw what happened with my father so I have facts to base this on). I guess I'm in a fairly unique situation where family/relatives are not an option in old age. So, I'm not basing my decision on where to live in retirement to include help from my estranged (and strange) family.

I think there are more of us out there than you realize. I am divorced with no kids and live alone. Some cousins and I keep in touch and we enjoy seeing each other at irregular intervals, but there would be no direct involvement in old age in the sense of care. Same with my one sibling, who has her own family and lives 2000 miles away. I have several close friends in my geographical area, but I would not want them involved either.

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by newenglandgirl

Does anyone here discuss with other family members your options and what would happen if you decided to move elsewhere...like would they want you to come back in very old age? In other words, did/do you discuss options about the latter years, or is that too difficult to do with family members (who may or may not want to be there for you)?

Never occurred to us and we never asked. We just gave ample "warning" and moved. Not discussing what-ifs wasn't a matter of difficulty. For me, at least, there are no plans, and never were, to move back and become dependent in any way upon any of my children.