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Old 08-28-2011, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,165 posts, read 8,689,130 times
Reputation: 6166

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I feel fortunate in that my parents were a part of their grandchildrens' lives - all 12 of them. My parents spent a lot of time with each of them.

If any of us needed a weekend away, my parent's place was there.

My mom was 63 when the first granchild was born. My dad was 56. They never spoke of having grandchildren - never ever. My sister was the first to have a child.

Within a year, there were 3 darling girls (grandchildren)- and during that year, a beautiful rocking chair appeared on all our doorsteps (from my dad)!
(then during the next 6 years, there were 9 more!)

I have been going through my parents' things recently (both gone now) and I'm amazed at the sentimental items I find, however, my mom did not demonstrate those same feelings verbally!

This is what I would wrestle with. I do love children and when and if my children have children, my husband and I would want to be part of their lives.

For example, our daughter played LL Baseball. My parents were at every game. They loved it. Stuff like that.
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Old 08-28-2011, 01:32 PM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,545 posts, read 39,924,861 times
Reputation: 23658
my experience.... do what you can WHILE you can. Life changes rapidly and needs (on both sides) can cause you to recalibrate and rely on each other.

Many, many elders are caring for adult kids (accidents, medical, emotional)

Many, many kids caring for significant adults in their lives.

I was not prepared to do elder care from age 18-50, and was hoping for a reprieve. BUT another crisis has arrived, thus, back into caregiving, (after a 5 yr reprieve) & likely beyond my life span.

Maybe the 'next life' will avail that 'take-care-of-yourself' attitude. Not here. (for me... YMMV)

Life goes on. Roll with the punches.
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Old 08-28-2011, 03:47 PM
 
Location: Toronto, Ottawa Valley & Dunedin FL
1,409 posts, read 2,354,075 times
Reputation: 1159
As usual, I'm in awe of the wisdom and thought put into responses in this forum.

I gave up on grandchildren some time ago, but if it happens, I will welcome it. That's all I can do. I love my son, but want him to flourish on his own and want him to come visit us when *he* wants to, not as a chore. I helped bankroll him much longer than I should have, but now that's stopped, except for the odd emergency "infusion", which I don't mind.

That being said, when we're in town (which will be less than half the year now that we're snowbirds), we see him perhaps 2-3 times a month. That works much better than the mandatory Sunday dinners did. There's always the phone and text messages.

My mom was like that too--she wanted us to fly on our own, so she fledged us well.
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Old 08-28-2011, 04:26 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,729,443 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by kruzinkate View Post
Not retired yet, but hoping to be so in the next few years. My son and his significant other live about 30 minutes from us (they have no children). I never thought I would want to move very far from him, as he is an only child. He treats us like we are strangers, and just doesn't have time for us. Does anyone else have this problem? He stops by once a week or so, but it seems like he does it because he "has too" and not because he wants too. I am torn between telling him to pound salt or just letting him hurt us over and over. Any thoughts? Part of me just wants to move to a warm climate and leave him here (like he would care!)
To Kruzinkate: You seems to be oblivious to the massive contradictions of your post. You say your son "treats us like we are strangers, and just doesn't have time for us." Then you say, "He stops by once a week or so..." Well, the two statements contradict each other. How is it that you are "just letting him hurt us over and over"? Sounds to me like you are the one with serious personal issues. I feel sorry for your son, who comes once a week but fails to satisfy your demands. What would you have him do, exactly? Have you tried counseling?
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Old 08-28-2011, 04:39 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,471,910 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wwanderer View Post
My mom was like that too--she wanted us to fly on our own, so she fledged us well.
Good for her and good for you! That's the way I am where it comes to my children. I fly on my own. Their mother was and remains a burden to them. I refuse to be under any circumstances. My wife and I are wholly independent and determined to remain that way. That's what we want for the children as well.
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Old 08-29-2011, 12:26 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,147,825 times
Reputation: 22373
Quote:
Originally Posted by kruzinkate View Post
Not retired yet, but hoping to be so in the next few years. My son and his significant other live about 30 minutes from us (they have no children). I never thought I would want to move very far from him, as he is an only child. He treats us like we are strangers, and just doesn't have time for us. Does anyone else have this problem? He stops by once a week or so, but it seems like he does it because he "has too" and not because he wants too. I am torn between telling him to pound salt or just letting him hurt us over and over. Any thoughts? Part of me just wants to move to a warm climate and leave him here (like he would care!)
May I ask .. .when your son comes, what are your expectations for his visits? Do you want him to sit down with you and just "discuss life?" Do you have a list of things for him to "help you with?" Do you plan something special for him and his SO - and suggest times to get together, go out to eat, attend an event together, etc? Why does his SO never show up? Are you critical of his life decisions when he has discussed them with you in the past?

Just asking some questions (you don't have to answer them!). I asked them to get you to think about how your interaction w/ your son has typically gone over the years . . . and maybe it has something to do with that. Not saying you have to create a party every time your son visits . . .but just wondering how much effort you make on his behalf, or with visiting him or including him and his SO in your plans/lives.
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Old 08-29-2011, 01:08 PM
 
Location: Around the UK!
156 posts, read 110,419 times
Reputation: 410
My closest son and grand children are 10 000 kms away and the other two sons about 16 000 kms. With visits anything from twice a year to once every two years.

Some work well; others not so well!! In some situations children move away and in others parents move away - just make your decision based on your circumstances and then make the best of the outcome.
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Old 09-01-2011, 11:21 PM
 
Location: zippidy doo dah
895 posts, read 1,330,598 times
Reputation: 1928
Tough issue with children/with parents. Not to sound harsh but my life throws me enough curves that I have to work my way through that handling the stresses/expectations/spoken and unspoken needs etc of elderly parents, kids, grandkids takes me close to the edge at times. Not a lack of love but a lack of the ability anymore to handle all the pressure. Too many people with too many issues going on. I have notoriously jumped in to fill voids - I'm a good utility player but not good for the long term. I can fix the obvious/fill the obvious. It's the constant crisis level that exists that either has no answers or the answers I would give are not appreciated that I cannot take. Frankly, i often feel that crawling in a hole without a forwarding address is the only road to sanity. dealing with unrelated people is so much easier. what a terrible thing to say but so true in my case.
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Old 09-02-2011, 06:30 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,969,510 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by mzfroggez View Post
Tough issue with children/with parents. Not to sound harsh but my life throws me enough curves that I have to work my way through that handling the stresses/expectations/spoken and unspoken needs etc of elderly parents, kids, grandkids takes me close to the edge at times. Not a lack of love but a lack of the ability anymore to handle all the pressure. Too many people with too many issues going on. I have notoriously jumped in to fill voids - I'm a good utility player but not good for the long term. I can fix the obvious/fill the obvious. It's the constant crisis level that exists that either has no answers or the answers I would give are not appreciated that I cannot take. Frankly, i often feel that crawling in a hole without a forwarding address is the only road to sanity. dealing with unrelated people is so much easier. what a terrible thing to say but so true in my case.
Yeah, who knew when the kids were little and doing all their kid stuff, which was complicated and expensive enough, that they'd grow up and become even more complicated and potentially expensive. Those of us who are wealthy just keep doling out help and money, it's expected, and the family "hangs" together all of a piece, hugging and close, etc. Those of us who are not wealthy get dumped on when the hands come out for help. I see this all the time with my friends and others. Terrible thing to say, but mostly true.

Someone recently said here to hide and leave not forwarding address. Not a bad idea, the more I think about it....
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Old 09-04-2011, 07:10 AM
 
Location: zippidy doo dah
895 posts, read 1,330,598 times
Reputation: 1928
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Yeah, who knew when the kids were little and doing all their kid stuff, which was complicated and expensive enough, that they'd grow up and become even more complicated and potentially expensive. Those of us who are wealthy just keep doling out help and money, it's expected, and the family "hangs" together all of a piece, hugging and close, etc. Those of us who are not wealthy get dumped on when the hands come out for help. I see this all the time with my friends and others. Terrible thing to say, but mostly true.

Someone recently said here to hide and leave not forwarding address. Not a bad idea, the more I think about it....
lol - i can always count on you, sweet friend, to make me not feel like i said something totally inappropriate.

Last edited by mzfroggez; 09-04-2011 at 07:11 AM.. Reason: english language becoming challenging....
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