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Old 08-19-2011, 06:24 PM
 
Location: OH
23 posts, read 32,707 times
Reputation: 35

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Not retired yet, but hoping to be so in the next few years. My son and his significant other live about 30 minutes from us (they have no children). I never thought I would want to move very far from him, as he is an only child. He treats us like we are strangers, and just doesn't have time for us. Does anyone else have this problem? He stops by once a week or so, but it seems like he does it because he "has too" and not because he wants too. I am torn between telling him to pound salt or just letting him hurt us over and over. Any thoughts? Part of me just wants to move to a warm climate and leave him here (like he would care!)
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Old 08-19-2011, 06:55 PM
 
Location: Toronto, Ottawa Valley & Dunedin FL
1,409 posts, read 2,355,691 times
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How old is your son? What kind of relationship did you forge with him over the years? If the result is mere obligation, yes, move away by all means. I would. Fortunately our son, at the moment, has a warm relationship with us, despite awful strife while he was a teenager. He's 30, lives in the same city as we do, and we see him perhaps once every two weeks, but we text each other a couple of times in between, or talk on the phone. I don't expect more, he needs to live his own life.
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Old 08-19-2011, 07:15 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,291 posts, read 4,948,319 times
Reputation: 5236
Do what you want to. If he hasn't been a responsive son, thus far,the chances of him changing, are slim and none.

Putting your life on hold and waiting for a miracle, to me, at your age, makes zero sense.

Accept him for who he is...and move forward with your life, there are no dress rehersals, this is it, it's now or never!
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Old 08-19-2011, 07:38 PM
 
Location: Austin, TX
326 posts, read 674,368 times
Reputation: 178
Adding some distance may make him realize the importance of you being in his life. It may also estrange your relationship. Like others have said, at this point you can't make him what he is or isn't.

What makes you think that he comes to visit you only because of obligations? How long does he stay and what does he do during each visit?

If he truly doesn't care about you, I'd vote for making your decisions based on what is best for you without him being a factor at this point. If he changes to be closer to you and a better son, then you can re-adjust your life a bit. Otherwise you will just have to accept who he is and live your life without consideration of his existence.
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Old 08-19-2011, 09:42 PM
 
5,429 posts, read 3,452,633 times
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Kruzinkate, of course you should go ahead and move - to Florida or wherever you wish to.

You are not 'leaving your son there' by moving.
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Old 08-19-2011, 11:38 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,860,713 times
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I personally think if he is making an effort to come and see you once a week that that is a lot . . . you might want more, but if he is a young adult, he has other priorities. Life is very demanding.

How old is he?

I would find a way to not have expectations, not be so resentful and see how you can enhance his life to diminish hard feelings.

You sound very hurt and I do understand that, believe me, but if he is coming once a week, that is awesome.

You want to make your interactions pleasant - focus on the positive - what you like about him and what you enjoy together and not on what you are not getting . . . because that just causes resentment and resentment is poison.

I wouldn't move away. You want to be close to your grandchildren, eventually, if he might give you any, and even if he doesn't, he is your son.

Winter in your favorite destination but don't leave your only son!
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Old 08-20-2011, 04:53 AM
 
701 posts, read 1,532,099 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
if he is making an effort to come and see you once a week that ... that is awesome.

You want to make your interactions pleasant - focus on the positive - what you like about him and what you enjoy together ...

Winter in your favorite destination but don't leave your only son!
Good advice.

If once a week isn't enough, imagine once a year or every other year.

If you want to winter in a warmer place, get busy exploring areas you are interested in. One of our friends winters in Costa Rica. For less than $1000/month they rent a house that comes with a part-time cook/housekeeper and a gardner.

Count your blessings that he is building an independent life and isn't living in your basement.
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Old 08-20-2011, 05:27 AM
 
5,824 posts, read 13,321,007 times
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IMO I would move to wherever I want and not be concerned about when you would see him. Go and enjoy your life.

What's that old saying? "One mother can take care of 10 kids but 10 kids can't take care of one mother?"
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Old 08-20-2011, 09:49 AM
 
338 posts, read 625,540 times
Reputation: 568
He visits you once a week - wow - I would consider that a lot. I think I have a great relationship with my kids. My younger son (also no children) I speak to every week as well as some e-mails, but we probably see him on average once a month,and I am fine with that. He works (a lot) and has his own life to live.

Is it possible that your expectations of seeing him so much are making him resentful? My mother-in-law has always been like that - we often feel that we are put on a "guilt trip" - no matter what we do, it's not enough. Perhaps if you ease up on your expectations, the relationship will get better.

As far as moving, of course you should if you want to (but not if it's for "revenge").
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Old 08-20-2011, 10:32 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,492,863 times
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I have five children. My wife has two. The closest we live to any of them (two) is 700 miles. Until two years ago we lived close to the other five. We have, between us, nine grandchildren and another due early next month.

Once I retired, we made a long-planned move 2,000 miles away from the bulk of the children and grandchildren. We have no regrets. Telephones, emails, planes, cars and trains all move in both directions the last time I checked.

There was consternation on the parts of some of the children we moved away from and may still be some lingering resentment but that's their issue(s), not ours. We no longer cared for where we were, no longer had jobs holding us in place and followed our hearts and desire to relocate. We'd do it again, all things remaining equal, as we find our quality of life much improved in subtle but significant ways.

Our "sacrifices" with raising children are now, long over and this is our time to enjoy. That doesn't mean we're not here for them if the need arises but it does mean we're no longer "directly" involved and that keeps us at arm's distance from the dramas and chaos of young, growing families and leaves us with what we can enjoy about them.
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