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Old 08-22-2011, 01:55 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, Texas
777 posts, read 958,348 times
Reputation: 3160

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You are not going to like what I say but here goes...yes you are at an age when you should be able to do as you like...your parents were at an age to do as they liked when you needed them but they chose to care for you...I don't know about your personal situation but fathers of our era often were not close to their kids..my Dad often worked 2 or 3 jobs...vacations for him were always about getting there not the trip so it wasn't really a happy family time on the road. He was distant and not very affectionate...As he got older tho he softened up alot and "let" us love him and he was able to love us back..it has been like pulling teeth tho for him to relax and let his guard down. I live 19 hours away from my parents..and I am working at getting back home. I want to be there for my Dad like he was always there for me...It would be the worst pain I'd have to endure to get the phone call..."You need to come home Mom/Dad is..." That is just my feeling tho...not saying you should feel the same way. But I personaly could not bear it.
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:10 AM
 
Location: Lexington, SC
4,281 posts, read 10,769,704 times
Reputation: 3717
As many have said. You are not a caregiver/local helper as it is, so you moving a bit further away is not an issue. At your age, enjoy your life. You earned it.
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Old 08-22-2011, 08:24 AM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,733 posts, read 40,145,633 times
Reputation: 23921
I inherited primary responsibility for my disabled dad the day I turned 18 and for the next 30+ yrs (as well as many, many bills / undone financial and business transactions. He had just tanked, and mom went AWOL.)

We weren't close, he would have sooner exterminated me. (I was sly and avoided THAT).

I lived my life, including living in Asia, Europe, and Canada. I kept him at times in a VA facility, and yes, often made the 160 mile one way trip 2x / day to deal with numerous issues. (as well as slept in the hospital parking lot many nights). He was in and out of life, reality, intensive care bouts w/ death, legal issues, escaping caregivers, escaping me, stealing cars, taking anonymous flights and trips ...

Never know who was gonna find him, or where...

Sounds like you have a pretty 'cake' gig. Move to an area that has CHEAP and frequent flights to you dad's area. $10 priceline cars and camping under a bridge will make low-cost visits. BTDT,
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:49 AM
 
10,830 posts, read 14,917,936 times
Reputation: 5095
Quote:
Originally Posted by FisherOne View Post
I am looking for some advice. My Dad is 87. I am 67. I live about 250 miles from him - about 5 hours. I see him maybe 3 times a year. Wouldn't say he is in great health, but typical for his age. He still drives, although last week he scared me half to death! I am his only living close relative and for many reasons I could not live with him. He has remarried, but wife not in that good a shape. His wife has family local to them and helps them out, like getting them to doctor when needed.

Anyway if I can sell my house, I plan on moving to a warmer climate, farther south, would probably be about 800 miles away, so my visits would be less. I am beginning to feel guilty about this. How have others handled this situation or what advice might anyone offer?

We have never been very close and don't talk that often. Trying to engage him in a conversation is difficult. He virtually never calls me. I call every 2-3 weeks to see how he is doing. I have not told him my house is sale. The reason I haven't is that it may take 2 or 3 years to sell and I didn't want to upset him, as he may not live that long.
My sister is 350 miles away from her Mother and visits 2-3 times a year. How often they talk by phone, I do not know. I am 4 miles from my Mother and we are not close. Visits are zilch.

So, distance is not a factor.

I checked into a Southwest Airline flight from my place to Florida, about 700 miles. Less than $250 round trip.

So your visits do not have to decrease.

Also, your Father is not alone, like mine was.
Your Father has his wife and others around him.

I'd call him maybe once a week, make it a regular thing.

Have you had him visit you in your place?

He knows the people who are helping him. Unfortunately you are not in a place, where you can help much.

He should understand that your house sale and move, is making your life better (via job, etc.) and he may not be as negative about it as you think.
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Old 08-22-2011, 02:25 PM
 
7,099 posts, read 24,539,193 times
Reputation: 7304
Suppose YOU were 87 and your son was 67 and not close to you.....what would you want him to be? Would you expect your son to be part of your life after all these years?

Would you want him to feel guilty?
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:17 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,795,112 times
Reputation: 32309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Padgett2 View Post
Suppose YOU were 87 and your son was 67 and not close to you.....what would you want him to be? Would you expect your son to be part of your life after all these years?

Would you want him to feel guilty?
Three questions - three answers:
1. What would you want him to be? An autonomous adult who takes responsibility for himself.
2. Would you expect him to be part of your life? You bet, by visiting once or twice a year, at minimum, and by phoning periodically.
3. Would you want him to feel guilty? It depends. Not if he had not done anything to feel guilty about. If he had robbed a bank or beaten up a kindergartner, then yes, I would want him to feel guilty.
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Old 08-23-2011, 08:37 AM
 
7,099 posts, read 24,539,193 times
Reputation: 7304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Three questions - three answers:
1. What would you want him to be? An autonomous adult who takes responsibility for himself.
2. Would you expect him to be part of your life? You bet, by visiting once or twice a year, at minimum, and by phoning periodically.
3. Would you want him to feel guilty? It depends. Not if he had not done anything to feel guilty about. If he had robbed a bank or beaten up a kindergartner, then yes, I would want him to feel guilty.
I was referring back to the original post. The "Guilt" was about moving away from his Dad. I can't imagine a father wanting a son to feel guilty about living his own life. Perhaps, a little sorrow that we weren't closer....but guilt? No way!
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Old 08-23-2011, 09:03 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,795,112 times
Reputation: 32309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Padgett2 View Post
I was referring back to the original post. The "Guilt" was about moving away from his Dad. I can't imagine a father wanting a son to feel guilty about living his own life. Perhaps, a little sorrow that we weren't closer....but guilt? No way!
I can now see that you and I are in full agreement. I wasn't sure where you were going with your questions - the way they were worded was unclear to me. Lots of people ask rhetorical questions, which yours were (and nothing wrong with that), but I couldn't sense the underlying assumptions.
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Old 08-23-2011, 09:42 AM
 
7,099 posts, read 24,539,193 times
Reputation: 7304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
I can now see that you and I are in full agreement. I wasn't sure where you were going with your questions - the way they were worded was unclear to me. Lots of people ask rhetorical questions, which yours were (and nothing wrong with that), but I couldn't sense the underlying assumptions.
It's always a good idea to read the original post, don't you think? Then, many of the rhetorical posts would become clearer. I have found that they almost always refer back to the OPs original thoughts and questions.
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Old 08-23-2011, 01:30 PM
 
Location: East Bangor, PA
126 posts, read 215,405 times
Reputation: 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by FisherOne View Post
I am looking for some advice.
Go.

I have mentioned before a cousin, who wanted to move CT to NC to be near her daughter, but felt she should stay in CT until her father died. He was in very poor health, 25% kidney function or something, decided to forego dialysis. Well, that was about 7 years ago now, and he is still living, health unchanged, and may go on indefinitely! Now she has decided to go anyway (her father lives with her sister), but can't seem to find a price low enough to sell her house, and has paid the high taxes for all these extra years.
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