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Old 08-23-2011, 06:59 PM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
28,496 posts, read 62,152,821 times
Reputation: 32177

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanygirl View Post
It has not been addressed so I have to wonder...
What if...
what if he wins the Lotto next week?
what if gets addressed when that bridge is actually in your path
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Old 08-23-2011, 08:37 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,482,868 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanygirl View Post
No you should not stop crossing the street...but the OP's relationship with his father doesn't change his responsibility to or for his parent.
It has not been addressed so I have to wonder ..What if his wife preceeds him..will her family still be willing to care for someone they have no direct relationship to except for the fact that their Mother was married to this person? I have heard this discussed in the halls of nursing homes I have worked in. It is a very real thing for the caregiving family to literally walk away when their side of the family passes. They feel the same way that the OP is feeling now...they are ready to get on with their lives...except their responsibilty has truely ended.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boompa View Post
If he chooses to abandon his father, that is on him. He went on the internet and asked for opinions, he has mine
Oh, bother! Any of us could "what if" this to death.

At age 67, live your life! If you live someone else's, yours will be over before you've had half a chance to enjoy it.
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Old 08-23-2011, 10:10 PM
 
304 posts, read 887,490 times
Reputation: 303
I'm planning to move to Mexico in 3 years and retire at 53. My dad, now 72, complained that none of his 3 kids live close to him and that when he's in his 80's he won't have anyone around to help him. I told him I'd be happy to move there when the time comes and handle house cleaning, lawncare, meals, etc but I'd need to live with him in a spare bedroom. He told me I can get my own place, which would require getting a job! Told him I wasn't going to get a full-time job and then come over when I'm off to do housework. He said ok, guess I could charge you rent on the room. Sounds funny but he's dead serious. Did I mention none of his 3 kids live near him?
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Old 08-23-2011, 10:52 PM
 
Location: Sierra Vista, AZ
16,133 posts, read 20,822,095 times
Reputation: 8293
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Oh, bother! Any of us could "what if" this to death.

At age 67, live your life! If you live someone else's, yours will be over before you've had half a chance to enjoy it.
Perhaps you can do that, I couldn't. I'm not 67 yet, my parents are gone, I can do what I want now.
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Old 08-23-2011, 11:55 PM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,569 posts, read 39,952,759 times
Reputation: 23699
Quote:
Originally Posted by vantexan View Post
I'm planning to move to Mexico in 3 years and retire at 53. My dad, now 72, complained that none of his 3 kids live close to him and that when he's in his 80's he won't have anyone around to help him....
Have him look into senior Co-op Housing. Residents of these joints typically live MUCH longer independently AND preserve their capital (they sell their share when leaving, or transfer it in their will). I have interviewed hundreds of co-op residents, most seem very pleased.

YMMV

Senior Cooperative Foundation

It really fits the age group 75 plus, tho I would consider it at age 55 IF I can find one that allows me to sublease while I live overseas for extended periods.
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Old 08-24-2011, 08:50 AM
 
10,834 posts, read 14,850,338 times
Reputation: 5095
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Three questions - three answers:
1. What would you want him to be? An autonomous adult who takes responsibility for himself.
2. Would you expect him to be part of your life? You bet, by visiting once or twice a year, at minimum, and by phoning periodically.
3. Would you want him to feel guilty? It depends. Not if he had not done anything to feel guilty about. If he had robbed a bank or beaten up a kindergartner, then yes, I would want him to feel guilty.
Your comment tells the facts.

The % of children living far from their parents is very high.
I know a guy living in Canada, his brother in Mexico, and their U.S. based Mother is not dis-owning them.
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Old 08-24-2011, 09:48 AM
 
116 posts, read 246,201 times
Reputation: 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanygirl View Post
No you should not stop crossing the street...but the OP's relationship with his father doesn't change his responsibility to or for his parent.
It has not been addressed so I have to wonder ..What if his wife preceeds him..will her family still be willing to care for someone they have no direct relationship to except for the fact that their Mother was married to this person? I have heard this discussed in the halls of nursing homes I have worked in. It is a very real thing for the caregiving family to literally walk away when their side of the family passes. They feel the same way that the OP is feeling now...they are ready to get on with their lives...except their responsibilty has truely ended.
You are correct in your assessment. If it ends up going this way, they will walk away, I am almost positive. Then depending on his condition, he will either have to stay and cope if he is in good enough condition to cope, move to a nursing home or God forbid, move in with me. Getting him out of the house he has lived in for the last 60 years is going to be a tough nut to crack. Where does that leave me?
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Old 08-24-2011, 10:06 AM
 
116 posts, read 246,201 times
Reputation: 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by StealthRabbit View Post
Have him look into senior Co-op Housing. Residents of these joints typically live MUCH longer independently AND preserve their capital (they sell their share when leaving, or transfer it in their will). I have interviewed hundreds of co-op residents, most seem very pleased.

YMMV

Senior Cooperative Foundation

It really fits the age group 75 plus, tho I would consider it at age 55 IF I can find one that allows me to sublease while I live overseas for extended periods.
I will keep this in mind. There actually is one within about 25 miles of where he lives now.
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Old 08-24-2011, 11:00 AM
 
4,574 posts, read 7,058,318 times
Reputation: 4222
Having lost both parents, I can say that when you get that call..."your father/mother is gone" (it can happen suddenly)....you'll feel guilty whether you live far away or next door, whether you had daily phone calls or yearly phone calls. I don't know anybody who hasn't felt they could have done more, but that's a natural emotional when a parent becomes ill or dies. You seem to still have a bit of fear in your post about talking to your father about this move...I guess we always have that child/parent thing going on no matter how old we get. But it sounds as though you really do care about your father and are giving it alot of thought.

But since you're not moving all that much farther away, I don't see it being an issue. You're going to eventually have to face the same issues with his situation whether you stay where you are or move.

But keep in mind, I lived far away from my father and my sibling made all the decisions, alot of which I didn't agree with. But I couldn't say too much, because I wasn't "there". So you might have people making choices for your father that you wouldn't necessarily make.

I don't envy your situation, it's hard.
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Old 08-24-2011, 12:39 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,482,868 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by FisherOne View Post
You are correct in your assessment. If it ends up going this way, they will walk away, I am almost positive. Then depending on his condition, he will either have to stay and cope if he is in good enough condition to cope, move to a nursing home or God forbid, move in with me. Getting him out of the house he has lived in for the last 60 years is going to be a tough nut to crack. Where does that leave me?
Indecisive!
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