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Old 08-25-2011, 07:12 AM
 
507 posts, read 1,329,304 times
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Threads like this remind me that when the time comes my husband and I will be setting up our own senior care, the kind that includes end of life care. If that ends up being an efficiency with my dog and a radio then so be it.

I REFUSE to be a burden to my son. Won't happen. If I die alone while he is out living his dream then I will die happy knowing he is out living is dream.

For the life of me I don't understand why some parents think it's their children's responsibility to "take care of them when they are old". That kind of thinking is selfish, period.

As parents we don't OWN our children, and they owe us NOTHING. We brought them into the world, it is US that owed them a decent and good upbringing, and that is where it ENDS. There is no more "obligation". Kids aren't an "investment".

So to the OP-- dad made his choices. He is where he wants to be. Now go to where you want to be.
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Old 08-25-2011, 07:13 AM
 
5,822 posts, read 13,312,141 times
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We were 2000 miles from my dad, who lived in independent living facility. Only visited 2-3 times a year, but spoke almost every night on the phone until he passed at 93.

Doesn't sound like you're close and visits are limited, so I would move wherever you choose. Let the guilt go and get on with your life. There is no guarantee you will live longer than him.
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Old 08-25-2011, 10:36 AM
 
116 posts, read 246,134 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
We were 2000 miles from my dad, who lived in independent living facility. Only visited 2-3 times a year, but spoke almost every night on the phone until he passed at 93.

Doesn't sound like you're close and visits are limited, so I would move wherever you choose. Let the guilt go and get on with your life. There is no guarantee you will live longer than him.
Very true, since my two brothers have already passed away!
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Old 08-25-2011, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Palm Beach County
614 posts, read 1,453,203 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FisherOne View Post
I am looking for some advice. My Dad is 87. I am 67. I live about 250 miles from him - about 5 hours. I see him maybe 3 times a year. Wouldn't say he is in great health, but typical for his age. He still drives, although last week he scared me half to death! I am his only living close relative and for many reasons I could not live with him. He has remarried, but wife not in that good a shape. His wife has family local to them and helps them out, like getting them to doctor when needed.

Anyway if I can sell my house, I plan on moving to a warmer climate, farther south, would probably be about 800 miles away, so my visits would be less. I am beginning to feel guilty about this. How have others handled this situation or what advice might anyone offer?

We have never been very close and don't talk that often. Trying to engage him in a conversation is difficult. He virtually never calls me. I call every 2-3 weeks to see how he is doing. I have not told him my house is sale. The reason I haven't is that it may take 2 or 3 years to sell and I didn't want to upset him, as he may not live that long.


Why are you feeling guilty?

You and he apparently never had a close relationship, so I'm not sure why you're feeling this way. Do you have any unresolved issues with each other?
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Old 08-25-2011, 03:54 PM
 
1,214 posts, read 1,355,060 times
Reputation: 1908
Quote:
Originally Posted by GrainOfSalt View Post
Threads like this remind me that when the time comes my husband and I will be setting up our own senior care, the kind that includes end of life care. If that ends up being an efficiency with my dog and a radio then so be it.

I REFUSE to be a burden to my son. Won't happen. If I die alone while he is out living his dream then I will die happy knowing he is out living is dream.

For the life of me I don't understand why some parents think it's their children's responsibility to "take care of them when they are old". That kind of thinking is selfish, period.

As parents we don't OWN our children, and they owe us NOTHING. We brought them into the world, it is US that owed them a decent and good upbringing, and that is where it ENDS. There is no more "obligation". Kids aren't an "investment".

So to the OP-- dad made his choices. He is where he wants to be. Now go to where you want to be.
I agree. Very well stated. I tell my son that I don't expect him to put his life on hold for me. All I ask is that he takes time to be sure that my plans are followed. I do not want him to change his life to take care of me. Parents who expect that their children take care of them are totally selfish. I took care of my mom and was sure that she got good care, not because she expected me to do so, but because I wanted to.
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Old 08-29-2011, 12:21 PM
 
2,421 posts, read 3,722,541 times
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Had to weigh in here, as it is a subject I am close to. I don't know if I agree with the poster above about being selfish. My mom had five kids. I was the oldest and the youngest is handicapped. My father left her with 4 young children to raise by herself, and as her only training was as a hair stylist, her earning capacity was limited, and having a disabled child to boot didn't help matters.

I have helped support my mother since I was 20 yrs. old. Today she is 91 and very needy and dependent on me. I am 69 and would like my freedom, but it is not in the cards for me. I am a child of a divorced mother, who had no way to save for retirement for herself. The rest of my brothers and sisters are too busy with their own lives, and don't share in my feelings of obligation. So tag, your it. My mother is the child now, and I'm the adult. I don't think our parents are disposable when they get old. I think that as long as they cared for us growing up, we are beholding to care for them in their old age, if they need us.

As to the original posters question as to whether or not to move further away, I would agree with most. Whether it's 250 miles apart or 800 miles. It doesn't matter much. Just understand that the day will come when he will not be able to care for himself any longer, and someone must step up to the plate and take over. The suggestion by others that we are not responsible for our parents, I think is absurd. I think we can all say that we hope we can stay self sufficient to the day we die. However, that decision is sometimes taken out of our hands.
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Old 08-29-2011, 12:40 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,471,910 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by modhatter View Post
I don't think our parents are disposable when they get old. I think that as long as they cared for us growing up, we are beholding to care for them in their old age, if they need us.

As to the original posters question as to whether or not to move further away, I would agree with most. Whether it's 250 miles apart or 800 miles. It doesn't matter much. Just understand that the day will come when he will not be able to care for himself any longer, and someone must step up to the plate and take over. The suggestion by others that we are not responsible for our parents, I think is absurd. I think we can all say that we hope we can stay self sufficient to the day we die. However, that decision is sometimes taken out of our hands.
Have to agree with you. Thankfully, both my mother and father died at home but for a very few days in a hospital at the very end. Same with my wife's father and her mother did die at home with a caregiver there to call 911. My wife was handling her affairs by then and we checked on her often.

My childrens' mother, whom I divorced 17 years ago, slipped in dementia in her late 50s. Prior to that she'd been hit by a car while walking and our children ended up about $50,000 out-of-pocket when all was said and done but they did the right things, even though four of the five wanted nothing to do with her. When push came to shove, she was still their parent. My middle daughter, who was always her "favored one" took over her affairs when the dementia became full-blown and moved her from Colorado, where no child lived any longer, back to the west coast where she lives, placing her in an appropriate facility.

None of us ever plan to be dependent upon our children - well, the ex did and said as much once - but as you so correctly pointed out, you never know. Sometimes I have to wonder if my children would feel obligated towards me. My guess is that they would which makes me all the more determined to remain independent.
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Old 09-03-2011, 07:32 AM
 
507 posts, read 1,329,304 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Have to agree with you. Thankfully, both my mother and father died at home but for a very few days in a hospital at the very end. Same with my wife's father and her mother did die at home with a caregiver there to call 911. My wife was handling her affairs by then and we checked on her often.

My childrens' mother, whom I divorced 17 years ago, slipped in dementia in her late 50s. Prior to that she'd been hit by a car while walking and our children ended up about $50,000 out-of-pocket when all was said and done but they did the right things, even though four of the five wanted nothing to do with her. When push came to shove, she was still their parent. My middle daughter, who was always her "favored one" took over her affairs when the dementia became full-blown and moved her from Colorado, where no child lived any longer, back to the west coast where she lives, placing her in an appropriate facility.

None of us ever plan to be dependent upon our children - well, the ex did and said as much once - but as you so correctly pointed out, you never know. Sometimes I have to wonder if my children would feel obligated towards me. My guess is that they would which makes me all the more determined to remain independent.
If you don't mind answering, did you do anything to help your children when your ex-wife became dependent on your children?

Since they didn't have the option to divorce her, she became their burden instead of yours. Something about that doesn't seem right, especially given you say four out of five didn't want anything to do with her.

By the way I'm not judging you, just thinking about the situation and wondering about the complications adult children encounter when their parents are divorced.
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Old 09-03-2011, 11:22 AM
 
2,633 posts, read 3,373,001 times
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As many have said, the move is of little significance since you do not visit very frequently now. Flying will be a little more expensive, but if you plan ahead, it will be manageable and more pleasant.

You are so very very very fortunate to have a father still living and reasonably healthy at his age. You are so very very very fortunate that he has a wife that appears to care about him. You are so very very very fortunate that her family is nearby, and provides caregiving. I actually am surprised you feel torn about the move. Perhaps because you feel a little guilty you are not more involved now? Although it sounds like your relationship is stable.

Your situation is my fantasy. I am several decades younger then you, and my mother is already deceased and my father severely disabled. He is significantly younger then you. I am his caregiver, and have to be near him for his survival. There is no choice.

I think most people do not realize how lucky they are. Your life can change in an instant. You could be hit by a car tomorrow. You never know what life will bring.

Best of luck to you on your move, and to your father. We all need luck.

For your peace of mind, I would probably tell you you are thinking about the move and why. I suspect he wont be as upset as you fear, and it will alleviate a lot of your anxiety.
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Old 09-03-2011, 12:57 PM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,545 posts, read 39,924,861 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sfcambridge View Post
...
Your situation is my fantasy. I am several decades younger then you, and my mother is already deceased and my father severely disabled. He is significantly younger then you. I am his caregiver, and have to be near him for his survival. There is no choice.

I think most people do not realize how lucky they are. Your life can change in an instant. You could be hit by a car tomorrow. You never know what life will bring.
BTDT for 32 yrs for a disabled parent, not ez, especially when they hate your very presence....
Quote:
Best of luck to you on your move, and to your father. We all need luck.

.. I suspect he wont be as upset as you fear, and it will alleviate a lot of your anxiety.
I hope there is a great solution 4 u ... all.
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