My father is still living and I want to move.

[FisherOne]

Originally Posted by sfcambridge

As many have said, the move is of little significance since you do not visit very frequently now. Flying will be a little more expensive, but if you plan ahead, it will be manageable and more pleasant......

For your peace of mind, I would probably tell you you are thinking about the move and why. I suspect he wont be as upset as you fear, and it will alleviate a lot of your anxiety.

Thanks so much for the feedback and I will give this serious consideration.

[ERISAjunkie]

I'm going through the same thing you are experiencing. I'm in the process of moving upon retirement to a state with a lower cost of living. The move is 1500 miles away from my mother who is 80 years old. She is independent and has her own own friends and life and wishes me well but I have a lot of guilt feelings.

I'm very attached to my mother emotionally since she brought up my bother and I when my dad left us. My brother lives very close to my mother but he is an alcoholic who has been supported by me and my mother his whole life. My mom has family in the area but they are not the closest of relatives.

I feel that I have to go if I'm to live my own life. I now live about two hours away but I speak with my mom at least three times a week- that will not change when I move. I console myself by saying I'm just a plane ride away. I'll still send money to my brother and I guess that situation will not change either. I'm counting on him to really step up and keep an eye on our mom.

Yes- i feel like I'm abandoning my family but I have taken on my responsibilities. I want a new life in retirement. I don't feel selfish but yes I feel guilty. I expect as everyone adjusts to the new situation it will be okay. Actaully it is my brother who is beating the drum a bit that I'm selfish.

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by ERISAjunkie

I feel that I have to go if I'm to live my own life. I now live about two hours away but I speak with my mom at least three times a week- that will not change when I move. I console myself by saying I'm just a plane ride away. I'll still send money to my brother and I guess that situation will not change either. I'm counting on him to really step up and keep an eye on our mom.

Yes- i feel like I'm abandoning my family but I have taken on my responsibilities. I want a new life in retirement. I don't feel selfish but yes I feel guilty. I expect as everyone adjusts to the new situation it will be okay. Actaully it is my brother who is beating the drum a bit that I'm selfish.

Your own life? How selfish! I'm joking!

What I am serious about is that it doesn't sound like you can count on your brother for anything. And why are you enabling HIS selfish and worthless behavior anyway? It's money down the drain and hurts him more than it helps him. Is it guilt and if so, even though guilt is a gift you can only give yourself, who's been spoon-feeding the makings of it to you?

It sounds like you really do need to get away and live on your own without the destructive and probably expensive and intrusive aspects of your family life. There's nothing selfish about that. It's mature and necessary for your own mental and emotional well-being. In my opinion it's also long overdue.

[FisherOne]

Originally Posted by ERISAjunkie

I'm going through the same thing you are experiencing. I'm in the process of moving upon retirement to a state with a lower cost of living. The move is 1500 miles away from my mother who is 80 years old. She is independent and has her own own friends and life and wishes me well but I have a lot of guilt feelings.

I'm very attached to my mother emotionally since she brought up my bother and I when my dad left us. My brother lives very close to my mother but he is an alcoholic who has been supported by me and my mother his whole life. My mom has family in the area but they are not the closest of relatives.

I feel that I have to go if I'm to live my own life. I now live about two hours away but I speak with my mom at least three times a week- that will not change when I move. I console myself by saying I'm just a plane ride away. I'll still send money to my brother and I guess that situation will not change either. I'm counting on him to really step up and keep an eye on our mom.

Yes- i feel like I'm abandoning my family but I have taken on my responsibilities. I want a new life in retirement. I don't feel selfish but yes I feel guilty. I expect as everyone adjusts to the new situation it will be okay. Actaully it is my brother who is beating the drum a bit that I'm selfish.

I know where you are at. I thought I could rely on my younger brother who lived in my father's town, until he developed cancer and died two years ago, leaving me the sole direct family member left. Bottom line is you can't predict the future!

[ERISAjunkie]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

Your own life? How selfish! I'm joking!

What I am serious about is that it doesn't sound like you can count on your brother for anything. And why are you enabling HIS selfish and worthless behavior anyway? It's money down the drain and hurts him more than it helps him. Is it guilt and if so, even though guilt is a gift you can only give yourself, who's been spoon-feeding the makings of it to you?

It sounds like you really do need to get away and live on your own without the destructive and probably expensive and intrusive aspects of your family life. There's nothing selfish about that. It's mature and necessary for your own mental and emotional well-being. In my opinion it's also long overdue.

Thank you Curmudgeon. The truth is hard to accept sometimes. I think I'll feel so free when I do make the move.

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by ERISAjunkie

Thank you Curmudgeon. The truth is hard to accept sometimes. I think I'll feel so free when I do make the move.

You're very welcome. You'll do some second-guessing but that's normal under such circumstances. The epiphany will come when you wake up one morning, realize that the sun really did rise after all and nothing dire took place. Then you'll be free and feel it in every fiber in your body. It's glorious!