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Old 09-07-2014, 05:00 PM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,890,892 times
Reputation: 2770

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Quote:
Originally Posted by blondiel View Post
Although I am happier, I am living the life of separation at 60 after being married for 18 years. I find it beyond belief that the person who promised to love and cherish can be so vicious and mean to the person whom he promised to love and cherish. I was the younger one continuing to work while he was retired. Rather than using his time to better the marriage, he chose to have an affair for years, without my knowledge of course, with a woman twenty years younger than he. Less than a month after I put him out, she dumped him. I told him before I asked/told him to leave that young women who sleep with old married men don't want them around everyday.
Sounds like He was willing to carry on as he had been for many years. You threw him out, and that is why you are alone at 60.If you had a bad marriage , abuse , drugs, etc. that's another thing and getting the nerve to take action can be difficult, I am not so sure that was your case. There is always a reason one or the other spouse has a long term affair..........the bad part was that it took so many years for you to find out, cheating and lying all those years was justification for kicking him out no doubt, and you had every right to do so.

I don't mean to use you as an example , but what happens so many times is couples do not talk about their problems untill it's too late and that's sad.I never understood why husband and wife have so hard a time communicating , my own situation is text book stuff of this kind, I am the talker she is not and I can not get her to open up and this is a 35 year marriage ! That's sad too and very lonely I am sure for both of us , but we continue, a not uncomon thing either.
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Old 09-07-2014, 05:11 PM
 
30,108 posts, read 47,335,107 times
Reputation: 16045
My sister in law--husband's older sister--married just out of high school and is now in her early 80s--she is 18 yrs older than my husband--
she divorced her only husband when she was in her 70s and while it caused some friction between her and her two younger children she is glad she did it.
He was irresponsible with money and got them into debt time and again, flirted w/other women and had at least 1 affair, and in general was a jerk...
he subsequently married a wealthy widow with a year of the divorce and has now been divorced by her...after making some bad financial decisions in that marriage as well...
most of her money was protected in prenup--one of her sons is an attorney who made sure the guy didn't have access to any significant amount of her estate...

Last time we talked about my SIL's ex, she said she heard he was courting someone else...
he is classic narcissist who is in love with just himself

I think she got more flack from her friends than she expected--she lives in small TX town that is pretty conservative and most people didn't see the same side of her husband that she did...
many of their couple friends just didn't want to spend time with her---and her best female friend moved out of town to be close to her daughter a year or so before the divorce--

she is active volunteer at the local hospital, works out when her health allowed (she has had some physical problems past year or so), but serves as an election judge, and can still drive herself to visit her family that doesn't live locally...
but think there are times when she is lonely--got a dog--
her metal faculty which has been very sharp is maybe starting to slip--
I worry that her son who lives in the town isn't really with her enough to watch out for her
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Old 09-07-2014, 11:13 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,839 posts, read 18,855,957 times
Reputation: 33746
Quote:
Originally Posted by blondiel View Post
Although I am happier, I am living the life of separation at 60 after being married for 18 years. I find it beyond belief that the person who promised to love and cherish can be so vicious and mean to the person whom he promised to love and cherish. I was the younger one continuing to work while he was retired. Rather than using his time to better the marriage, he chose to have an affair for years, without my knowledge of course, with a woman twenty years younger than he. Less than a month after I put him out, she dumped him. I told him before I asked/told him to leave that young women who sleep with old married men don't want them around everyday.
You are not alone--I was suddenly alone at your age too--with no money and just barely old enough to be eligible for subsidized housing--which I hated but it was a roof over my head after he had taken everything. Mine made all the promises but you can just never tell. I helped him all I could and I stayed with him too long. Be glad you are free and maybe even look for a man friend to go out on dates with if you do not wish to remarry. I remarried and I'm glad I did but it's not for everyone.
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Old 09-07-2014, 11:19 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,839 posts, read 18,855,957 times
Reputation: 33746
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Call me "Clueless." This was very much the dynamic when the ex told me she was leaving me after 25 years. She did so a week later while I was on a business trip and I returned to an empty house and empty bank accounts with $27 to my name that had to last me three weeks until I got paid.

Fool that I was because I though I till loved her and conditioned as I had become as the sole breadwinner to take care of her I attempted to see to it in settlement that she was provided for while she was trying to wring every future dollar I ever made out of me in spousal and child support for our two youngest daughters. Thankfully I discovered that she had moved her boyfriend, whom she'd met six months before, in with her and our daughters long before the divorce became final. I say "thankfully" because it was at that point I no longer wanted reconciliation and began to protect myself in settlement.

In the end I couldn't wait for the divorce to become final. That process took two years until I bifurcated the issues of divorce and settlement, the latter of which took a total of five years. I walked away pretty much fleeced but freer and happier than I'd been in at least a decade. By the time I was finally open to a social life I'd been living like a monk for two and a half years.

In the end I felt like sending her a thank you card for leaving me, but didn't.
We could be related. "clueless" OMG. I tried to help and protect him, I felt sorry for him. Finally he announced that he was moving out, leaving me high and dry after spending all our money. That wake up call came a little too late. I never thought I'd get back on my feet, not at my age. I never did financially but I did get back emotionally and socially. We have to look out for ourselves and not fall for the deception.
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my posts as moderator will be in red. Moderator: Health&Wellness~Genealogy. The Rules--read here>>> TOS. If someone attacks you, do not reply. Hit REPORT.
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Old 09-13-2014, 09:28 AM
 
325 posts, read 238,794 times
Reputation: 303
I think the collapse of marriages at this age is the truth coming to the surface after many years of keeping up appearances.
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Old 09-13-2014, 07:00 PM
 
1,214 posts, read 1,355,708 times
Reputation: 1908
Quote:
Originally Posted by TitanWarrior View Post
I think the collapse of marriages at this age is the truth coming to the surface after many years of keeping up appearances.

Absolutely. I tell all young folk whom I mentor that they really should think about spending their young good years "keeping up appearances in their marriage". I so regret that I did.
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Old 09-13-2014, 07:16 PM
 
48,516 posts, read 83,932,349 times
Reputation: 18050
I think its about what people see in concept of marriage now days. Often people just live together with almost separate lifes. If they stay together; its interdependency often ;IMO.
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Old 09-14-2014, 05:57 AM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,890,892 times
Reputation: 2770
And that's a good thing.
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Old 09-14-2014, 12:19 PM
 
8,857 posts, read 5,132,953 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TitanWarrior View Post
I think the collapse of marriages at this age is the truth coming to the surface after many years of keeping up appearances.
I was just talking to a friend yesterday about some problems her parents are experiencing. She remarked "they have been married for 51 years, and should have been divorced for 49 of them".
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Old 09-16-2014, 06:14 PM
 
12,825 posts, read 20,141,183 times
Reputation: 10910
Our system gives incentive to staying married and inflicts pain when divorcing.

This leads to nasty, nasty divorces or in some cases marriages that are utterly toxic.

The whole thing is in need of serious reform, from start to finish.

In a way I thank gays for challenging traditional marriage. Eventually I expect there to be merely a contractual partnership for those who really want or need something besides a casual cohabitation relationship. Maybe at that point it can have slick severability aspects so that if things don't work out it can be more like a corporate spin off than the parasitic, ongoing debacle it now is in both cases of staying married for the wrong reasons and divorce.
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