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Old 10-12-2015, 04:40 PM
 
12,825 posts, read 20,141,183 times
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Our prognosis is not good.

Well at least we have a modest financial buffer to help lessen the blow.

In retrospect our issues are quite unlike a number of things mentioned up thread. There are no drugs, no alcoholism, no irresponsible spending, no debt, no adultery or other interests waiting in the wings, etc.

Our issue is, in spite of being two well educated, worldly, broad minded, etc, etc individuals, at the end of the day, we both have things about the brain wiring we were born with that innately puts us at odds in things that would seem trivial to outsiders. But the problem is, the quirks that issue forth due to my wiring come across as grating, spasmodic, freakish abnormalities from her perspective. And meanwhile, the quirks due to her wiring come across as uptight, neurotic, obsessive-compulsive, hyper rigid, ultra reactionary outbursts of psychological violence, from my perspective.

We both are facing the facts of just how toxic it all is.

Since this is nature not nurture, while a degree of mitigation could be had via therapy and so called "behavior modification," neither one of us have any realistic hope of through-going change. Brains this old cannot be rewired (and even infant brains can only be partially rewired or more factually, over-wired with new wiring to compensate for innate wiring). There is only so much either of us can do about these challenges.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:03 PM
 
1,227 posts, read 1,260,047 times
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BayAreaHillbilly,

I am very sorry you are having to deal with thoughts of divorce or difficult marriage. I've always been of the opinion that if you are better off without them.... that is your answer. I realize it is a very difficult decision involving lifestyle, finances, emotions and the loss of friendships. At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for yourself which cannot always be measured in money.

Sending best wishes to you and your spouse.
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:14 PM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,911 posts, read 2,878,614 times
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I can't decide what our prognosis is. We have always had our ups and downs. Talking about retirement, we really aren't in agreement about where to live. I brought up the idea of downsizing the family home and getting a small cheap snowbird place. She agreed that might work but has zero interest in discussing anything to do with the snowbird location and from a few comments made it pretty clear she intends for the primary home to be largely her decision. I get the uneasy feeling that she might rarely if ever visit the snowbird location and I might rarely if ever leave it. Still a few years to work all that out, though it could be as few as 3 - not until I retire but until the first snowbird year; depending on what happens with my job I may be taking short term contracts then and it might be as easy to find one in Tampa as here (actually I am certain it is; I have done searches a few places). What we want to do in retirement doesn't have much overlap.
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Old 10-12-2015, 07:55 PM
 
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ReachTheBeach,

When I was in my 20's my (late) husband's parents had been married f-o-r-e-v-e-r. They had him late in life. His mom lived in a condo in Florida and his dad lived in a condo in Connecticut. Once a year his mom would come up to CT to spend time with her husband for a month. Once a year his dad would fly down to FL to spend a month with his wife. In between they visited each other based on whim. If one or the other had an emergency the other was always there to help. I thought it was the most strange relationship I had ever encountered.

Since that time I have learned about LAT (Living Apart Together) marriages. It seems to be a little trend and there can be some very good reasons to enter into an LAT relationship.

Anyway, this was just something to spur a little thought.
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:00 PM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,892,617 times
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This may have been talked about already as this thread is quite old., but I guess still alive. ..That is the fact that age difference is a big issue the older you get. In my case my wife is 8 years younger. Romance left long ago and I see a lot of that due to the age difference. I retired 10 years ago. She works at 66 and is resentful that I quit years ago, a big mistake, but at the time she approved of that decision, especially after the 40 years I spent making a living, half of that with this wife., no kids , ..........now she is the bread winner , so , we can enjoy a nice upper middle class life. we both are missing that old romance we once had. Too bad things turned out this way, I would never thought it could happen.
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:34 PM
 
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One obvious reform is, once a person is an empty nester or part of a DINK/SINK couple above a certain age, the "divorce penalty" should be reduced, within reason. I get that a certain "penalty" needs to be enforced on the greater income earner if there are dependent children involved. But above a certain age that is completely irrelevant, and the main issues have to do with retirement nest eggs and financial security in elder years. The laws should respect a break point based on where one is in one's life cycle.
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Old 10-12-2015, 09:35 PM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,892,617 times
Reputation: 2770
Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaHillbilly View Post
One obvious reform is, once a person is an empty nester or part of a DINK/SINK couple above a certain age, the "divorce penalty" should be reduced, within reason. I get that a certain "penalty" needs to be enforced on the greater income earner if there are dependent children involved. But above a certain age that is completely irrelevant, and the main issues have to do with retirement nest eggs and financial security in elder years. The laws should respect a break point based on where one is in one's life cycle.
Depends.......I do agree, to a point. Those that are partners in a small corporation, can be quite complicated Older couples are often in their own business, and both are involved in the growth ( or loss ) of that business.Unless you were a corporate life long employ for a large business there always is that security factor and who controls the checkbook! It's not like at 70 that you can go out and start another business, all over again, especially one that took 20-40 years to build.

It can work, I had a friend who was separated from his wife and they both had live in friends. Some days it was difficult working together in the office. In the end they did get divorced and married their live ins. Fact was though they were in their 50s , quite different than their mid 60-70s.
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:05 PM
 
Location: Close to an earthquake
890 posts, read 677,224 times
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Father-in-law and mother-in-law got divorced after 50 years of marriage. Prior to that, I would have never thought something like this would be possible so I know that with 37-years under our marriage belt, that wife and I should never get too comfortable that we've passed the high-risk zone.
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Old 10-13-2015, 11:52 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,487,261 times
Reputation: 29071
My 67 year old wife left my 69 year old self a few months ago so age and longevity are no protectors of a relationship or marriage and to me it's still a big, "WHAT?" Thankfully she's coming back but it's been quite an eye-opener. For those of you now facing possible or actual separations and possibly or probably divorces, my condolences. If nothing else it's quite an adjustment and not necessarily an easy one.

Just when you thought it was safe to go in to the water...
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:03 PM
 
Location: CO
2,455 posts, read 2,625,860 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
My 67 year old wife left my 69 year old self a few months ago so age and longevity are no protectors of a relationship or marriage and to me it's still a big, "WHAT?" Thankfully she's coming back but it's been quite an eye-opener. For those of you now facing possible or actual separations and possibly or probably divorces, my condolences. If nothing else it's quite an adjustment and not necessarily an easy one.

Just when you thought it was safe to go in to the water...
She's coming back?? Do tell. I think we need a thread just for this, Curmudgeon.
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