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Old 12-14-2015, 05:27 PM
 
2,394 posts, read 2,061,115 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theoldnorthstate View Post
I kind of get what you are saying.

My husband and I should never have married and 24 years of working it out didn't - divorce at age 55. It was a constant struggle and I felt such a relief to be free and independent when we divorced. It is really a truly sad thing when your grown children say they wish you had gotten divorced early on, it would have been better for everyone.

So good intentions and decent people don't always lead to a good marriage no matter how much you try. I do not regret the divorce and can't regret that we married since that produced two wonderful children.

So best to you and hope for your best.


Are you and your ex civil to each other and able to socialize at events with your children?
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Old 12-14-2015, 06:47 PM
 
12,825 posts, read 20,129,272 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
these "quirks" of yours that grate on her and create reactionary outbursts = i think you have done the important first step as to what it is you do that causes disruption in your lives. don't use a passive voice, and see how it sounds when you put an "I" in your sentence and spell out what you do. it is not just about perspectives, hers, it is what you DO.
and you are also saying you see her as uptight, neurotic etc. labeling rarely helps anything. it only aggravates it.
They are quirks due to brain wiring. Think of them like tics. These are not things to be willed away. Awareness can't make them go away, at best temporary and sporadic work arounds are as good as it gets. There is a concept known as neurodiversity. Some people tolerate such diversity and some are bigots. I'm married to a bigot.
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Old 12-15-2015, 10:35 AM
 
5,392 posts, read 6,529,269 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tom1944 View Post
Are you and your ex civil to each other and able to socialize at events with your children?


yes but it isn't easy.

I try to be neutral or positive when speaking about him to the children, which is rare. I try to keep things politely sociable when we have to be at childrens' events since that isn't his strong suit. Mostly to ease his discomfort.

for his part according to my daughter he speaks respectfully of me when they talk. and when we meet at social situations he makes an effort to engage which for him is work. He would rather sit by the TV and zone out in his private world.

He is trying to make things up to his children in whatever ways he can and my kids are forgiving him a little at a time.
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Old 12-15-2015, 10:55 AM
 
3,090 posts, read 1,717,042 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaHillbilly View Post
They are quirks due to brain wiring. Think of them like tics. These are not things to be willed away. Awareness can't make them go away, at best temporary and sporadic work arounds are as good as it gets. There is a concept known as neurodiversity. Some people tolerate such diversity and some are bigots. I'm married to a bigot.
sorry about this brain wiring you are talking about. does medication work?
i had to look up neurodiversity, never heard of it before. here is something interesting Neurodiversity: Just Say No

Labeling does not help anything, you should try not to do that and instead describe the action, not the person.
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Old 12-15-2015, 11:05 PM
 
135 posts, read 225,159 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theoldnorthstate View Post

So good intentions and decent people don't always lead to a good marriage no matter how much you try. I do not regret the divorce and can't regret that we married since that produced two wonderful children.
Last night I told my husband I'm leaving after Christmas. There was no yelling, no recriminations, just sadness. We are having a 3-month trial separation; we'll catch up once per week during that time. We'll see where we are at 3 months down the road. I'm not very hopeful - it's hard to maintain a good marriage let alone a struggling one from 8,000 miles apart. We have 4 beloved, capable young adult children - in fact I surprised myself last night, I thought I'd be a wet rag (I'm a cryer) and no tears until the subject of my kids came up. My husband said something very telling - "I guess what we had in common grew up." I would do it all again for those kids.
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Old 12-16-2015, 04:51 AM
 
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Good luck to both of you.
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Old 12-16-2015, 08:42 PM
 
3,090 posts, read 1,717,042 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mishmom View Post
Last night I told my husband I'm leaving after Christmas. There was no yelling, no recriminations, just sadness. We are having a 3-month trial separation; we'll catch up once per week during that time. We'll see where we are at 3 months down the road. I'm not very hopeful - it's hard to maintain a good marriage let alone a struggling one from 8,000 miles apart. We have 4 beloved, capable young adult children - in fact I surprised myself last night, I thought I'd be a wet rag (I'm a cryer) and no tears until the subject of my kids came up. My husband said something very telling - "I guess what we had in common grew up." I would do it all again for those kids.
Good luck to both of you. I hope the 3 month separation works so you can find your way back to your family.
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Old 12-16-2015, 08:43 PM
 
6,306 posts, read 5,046,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mishmom View Post
Last night I told my husband I'm leaving after Christmas. There was no yelling, no recriminations, just sadness. We are having a 3-month trial separation; we'll catch up once per week during that time. We'll see where we are at 3 months down the road. I'm not very hopeful - it's hard to maintain a good marriage let alone a struggling one from 8,000 miles apart. We have 4 beloved, capable young adult children - in fact I surprised myself last night, I thought I'd be a wet rag (I'm a cryer) and no tears until the subject of my kids came up. My husband said something very telling - "I guess what we had in common grew up." I would do it all again for those kids.
Sounds like y'all were great parents. Good luck.
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Old 12-23-2015, 05:01 AM
 
966 posts, read 918,678 times
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I was divorced 12 years ago after 33 years of marriage and 37 years together. I loved him a lot. He decided he no longer loved me and instead preferred my friend (who became an ex-friend). 2 marriages broken. Adult children late 20's early 30's at the time. No matter how old they are it still hurts them. I lost absolutely everything, the man I loved and respected and trusted, my home, my family (his extended family was off limits and I had very little of my own), my church (I couldn't bear to see him), my friends (so many don't know what to do, don't want to hurt anyone so they just disappear), my identity, my confidence, my stability, my income (I was ill for some time and have not been able to work), even my avocations (he took over the community theater that I was so active in and his new wife was involved).....We had not had much while young, had taken us a long time to reach our financial stability ( and, yes, I worked and made contributions/decisions, too) but now I am alone, at poverty level and scared.... I did not want a divorce, was willing to change, to go to counseling, whatever it took. Sometimes you have no choice. I did not say bad things about him, even though he hurt me so much, because he was and is basically a decent man. I didn't want our kids to have to take sides, although they did to some extent. No one expected it, I was shocked, our friends stunned. My parents and his were all dead by then and I had rec'd an inheritance a year before, otherwise I would not have the house I do now. I tried to date a little after the divorce but that didn't go well. And it's hard to trust. I have grown in many ways---was forced to! I moved cross country by myself a few years ago, knowing no one in my new location. I still get lonely, feel some resentment occasionally because of not being able to see my kids as much as I would had we remained together or because I will have a retirement income of $800 a mo while they have 3 houses and at least 3 times that amount.... I just wish I had a do-over sometimes. But I keep going and try to tell myself that no one knows what the future holds. I do love my dogs!!! There are some positive things about being alone, about being able to order your life to suit yourself, but I loved being married, was happy, had a full life......all gone. I get more down at this time of year, the holidays are hard. Catch me at another time and I'll be more positive!
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Old 12-23-2015, 08:06 AM
 
3,090 posts, read 1,717,042 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artangel View Post
I was divorced 12 years ago after 33 years of marriage and 37 years together. I loved him a lot. He decided he no longer loved me and instead preferred my friend (who became an ex-friend). 2 marriages broken. Adult children late 20's early 30's at the time. No matter how old they are it still hurts them. I lost absolutely everything, the man I loved and respected and trusted, my home, my family (his extended family was off limits and I had very little of my own), my church (I couldn't bear to see him), my friends (so many don't know what to do, don't want to hurt anyone so they just disappear), my identity, my confidence, my stability, my income (I was ill for some time and have not been able to work), even my avocations (he took over the community theater that I was so active in and his new wife was involved).....We had not had much while young, had taken us a long time to reach our financial stability ( and, yes, I worked and made contributions/decisions, too) but now I am alone, at poverty level and scared.... I did not want a divorce, was willing to change, to go to counseling, whatever it took. Sometimes you have no choice. I did not say bad things about him, even though he hurt me so much, because he was and is basically a decent man. I didn't want our kids to have to take sides, although they did to some extent. No one expected it, I was shocked, our friends stunned. My parents and his were all dead by then and I had rec'd an inheritance a year before, otherwise I would not have the house I do now. I tried to date a little after the divorce but that didn't go well. And it's hard to trust. I have grown in many ways---was forced to! I moved cross country by myself a few years ago, knowing no one in my new location. I still get lonely, feel some resentment occasionally because of not being able to see my kids as much as I would had we remained together or because I will have a retirement income of $800 a mo while they have 3 houses and at least 3 times that amount.... I just wish I had a do-over sometimes. But I keep going and try to tell myself that no one knows what the future holds. I do love my dogs!!! There are some positive things about being alone, about being able to order your life to suit yourself, but I loved being married, was happy, had a full life......all gone. I get more down at this time of year, the holidays are hard. Catch me at another time and I'll be more positive!
wow, that is tough. count your blessings and try and be active and let your resentments go. good luck.
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