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Old 12-23-2015, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,614 posts, read 9,676,241 times
Reputation: 10955

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Quote:
Originally Posted by artangel View Post
I was divorced 12 years ago after 33 years of marriage and 37 years together. I loved him a lot. He decided he no longer loved me and instead preferred my friend (who became an ex-friend). 2 marriages broken. Adult children late 20's early 30's at the time. No matter how old they are it still hurts them. I lost absolutely everything, the man I loved and respected and trusted, my home, my family (his extended family was off limits and I had very little of my own), my church (I couldn't bear to see him), my friends (so many don't know what to do, don't want to hurt anyone so they just disappear), my identity, my confidence, my stability, my income (I was ill for some time and have not been able to work), even my avocations (he took over the community theater that I was so active in and his new wife was involved).....We had not had much while young, had taken us a long time to reach our financial stability ( and, yes, I worked and made contributions/decisions, too) but now I am alone, at poverty level and scared.... I did not want a divorce, was willing to change, to go to counseling, whatever it took. Sometimes you have no choice. I did not say bad things about him, even though he hurt me so much, because he was and is basically a decent man. I didn't want our kids to have to take sides, although they did to some extent. No one expected it, I was shocked, our friends stunned. My parents and his were all dead by then and I had rec'd an inheritance a year before, otherwise I would not have the house I do now. I tried to date a little after the divorce but that didn't go well. And it's hard to trust. I have grown in many ways---was forced to! I moved cross country by myself a few years ago, knowing no one in my new location. I still get lonely, feel some resentment occasionally because of not being able to see my kids as much as I would had we remained together or because I will have a retirement income of $800 a mo while they have 3 houses and at least 3 times that amount.... I just wish I had a do-over sometimes. But I keep going and try to tell myself that no one knows what the future holds. I do love my dogs!!! There are some positive things about being alone, about being able to order your life to suit yourself, but I loved being married, was happy, had a full life......all gone. I get more down at this time of year, the holidays are hard. Catch me at another time and I'll be more positive!

My story is similar to yours in some ways. Married 15 years though and he just decided he didn't want to be married anymore. AND 'took up with' one of my best friends. She's the one who introduced us and stood up for me at our wedding. Good 'friend', huh? Been ex friend for nearly 18 years now. Small town so I still see her around once in a while but I don't 'know her' when I see her. It isn't that I haven't "forgiven" her/him, but over time I just don't care about them, OR what happened, anymore. I look back and feel pretty blasť about the whole thing. They are just 'people I used to know'. I do keep in touch with one of his sisters and still like the family.


Divorcing like that really put the kibosh on any retirement plans I had. If there's any resentment toward my ex it would be because of that, I think. Otherwise life is very good. My SS is small so I'll be working 'forever'...or till I die, whichever comes first...lol I am probably doing just as well without him as I ever did with him, except for financially and that is covered...for now. I heard he was 'shocked' when he found out I had bought a house. I guess he thought I'd just live in poverty without him.


I loved being married too. All I ever wanted out of life was to be a good wife, mother and homemaker. But life has a way of throwing some vicious curve balls at us now and then so our plans take another route. It takes all our talent and 'want to' to get over it all and get on with our lives. I have a horrible dread of being homeless or having an empty pantry so I work my butt off to make sure it doesn't happen. While I did love being married I also like, a LOT, being alone! I spent a lot of time alone even when I was married due to my ex's profession...firefighter. I didn't mind it then and I don't mind it now. People used to ask me how I could "stand it" with him being gone 6 or 7 months a year. I said it was better than a military wife has to deal with and besides, the check came in the mail! lol


The holidays can, indeed, be "hard" on some of us. We'll get through it though and survive just fine. Last year my mom died the week before Christmas and this year my sister died on Thanksgiving Day. It doesn't exactly make the holidays 'jolly' but I'm going to do my best to enjoy it to any extent that I want to. Hope you do too!
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Old 12-23-2015, 12:27 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,662 posts, read 3,239,300 times
Reputation: 11927
[quote=AZDesertBrat;42381171]My story is similar to yours in some ways. Married 15 years though and he just decided he didn't want to be married anymore. AND 'took up with' one of my best friends. She's the one who introduced us and stood up for me at our wedding. Good 'friend', huh? Been ex friend for nearly 18 years now. Small town so I still see her around once in a while but I don't 'know her' when I see her. It isn't that I haven't "forgiven" her/him, but over time I just don't care about them, OR what happened, anymore. I look back and feel pretty blasť about the whole thing. They are just 'people I used to know'. I do keep in touch with one of his sisters and still like the family.


Divorcing like that really put the kibosh on any retirement plans I had. If there's any resentment toward my ex it would be because of that, I think. Otherwise life is very good. My SS is small so I'll be working 'forever'...or till I die, whichever comes first...lol I am probably doing just as well without him as I ever did with him, except for financially and that is covered...for now. I heard he was 'shocked' when he found out I had bought a house. I guess he thought I'd just live in poverty without him.


I loved being married too. All I ever wanted out of life was to be a good wife, mother and homemaker. But life has a way of throwing some vicious curve balls at us now and then so our plans take another route. It takes all our talent and 'want to' to get over it all and get on with our lives. I have a horrible dread of being homeless or having an empty pantry so I work my butt off to make sure it doesn't happen. While I did love being married I also like, a LOT, being alone! I spent a lot of time alone even when I was married due to my ex's profession...firefighter. I didn't mind it then and I don't mind it now. People used to ask me how I could "stand it" with him being gone 6 or 7 months a year. I said it was better than a military wife has to deal with and besides, the check came in the mail! lol


The holidays can, indeed, be "hard" on some of us. We'll get through it though and survive just fine. Last year my mom died the week before Christmas and this year my sister died on Thanksgiving Day. It doesn't exactly make the holidays 'jolly' but I'm going to do my best to enjoy it to any extent that I want to. Hope you do too![/quote]


I am so very sorry for your losses. I lost my mother in 1997 on Dec. 20, and my sister this year Sept. 24. Holidays can be tough. Please be gentle with yourself.
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Old 12-23-2015, 03:56 PM
 
4,649 posts, read 6,479,224 times
Reputation: 5394
Ok please don't blow me up but I have to ask. Those who have been married for decades and divorced do you ever feel like you wasted time? Next what about sex? When did that stop?
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Old 12-23-2015, 04:18 PM
 
197 posts, read 160,873 times
Reputation: 1122
I was married for four decades before divorce and I do not regret a thing. There was no abuse involved though and I think that makes an enormous difference.

As for your second question, I don't feel the need to discuss that even on an anonymous forum. That is just me, I have no issues with other opinions.
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Old 12-23-2015, 04:19 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,662 posts, read 3,239,300 times
Reputation: 11927
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caltovegas View Post
Ok please don't blow me up but I have to ask. Those who have been married for decades and divorced do you ever feel like you wasted time? Next what about sex? When did that stop?

Just curious, are you writing a paper for school?
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Old 12-23-2015, 04:59 PM
 
197 posts, read 160,873 times
Reputation: 1122
Good question.
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Old 12-23-2015, 06:27 PM
 
4,649 posts, read 6,479,224 times
Reputation: 5394
Na it's just I would think once the intimacy is over the relationship would be downhill from there.
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Old 12-23-2015, 06:38 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,662 posts, read 3,239,300 times
Reputation: 11927
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caltovegas View Post
Na it's just I would think once the intimacy is over the relationship would be downhill from there.
It will be interesting to see if anyone answers your questions.

It won't be me. Some stuff is meant to remain private.
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Old 12-23-2015, 07:48 PM
 
966 posts, read 918,839 times
Reputation: 1890
Thank you to those who responded to my post and to the one who repped me. AzDesertBrat, I am so sorry for your huge loss.....my Mom died Dec 23rd, but it was many years ago. All we can do is to keep moving forward, right? I admire the courage and perseverance so many of you have shown and shared here.
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Old 12-23-2015, 08:16 PM
 
4,649 posts, read 6,479,224 times
Reputation: 5394
Ok forget the sex part. It's kind of hard to comprehend people being together for 10, 20, 30 years and breaking it off. I would think people would find out they didn't want to be together sooner. Especially getting to 50 and over.
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