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Old 12-24-2015, 02:34 PM
 
479 posts, read 398,972 times
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Some people develop very difficult personality traits, before dementia really settles in and is recognized medically as such. They can become aggressive, irresponsible, verbally abusive; driving the other person away out of self-defense.

I realize some people will say, "Oh, but you married them for sickness and health," but to continue to live with such a person, particularly when the affected person him/herself refuses to recognize something's wrong, would be an act of martyrdom.
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Old 12-24-2015, 05:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
It takes time to come to the realization that "this problem will never be resolved". It takes time for that to even be true, because how do you know until you try?
I still believe that the decent thing to do, if one is discontent in a marriage, is to say something to one's spouse, somewhere along the line. A married couple owe one another that simple honesty and straightforward treatment, I think: a chance to work things out, in honor of everything they've been to one another.

As you say, how do you know the situation can't be turned around unless you try? I wonder how many people who intend to divorce make their big announcement one day, without any advance notice, and then walk out, unless they have somebody waiting in the wings (as did my ex)?

I personally know several women who had midlife divorce sprung on them with no warning. We all had young children (tweens and younger). One husband handed his wife a sealed envelope with a "Dear Jane" note. Another cleaned out his belongings from the marital home on his lunch break and then moved on to his new life that afternoon. My ex and one other sat down with their wives in person and told them it was over.

They were all having secret affairs and unilaterally decided to cast off the old wife as if she were a pair of old sneakers that weren't new and bouncy anymore.
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Old 12-24-2015, 07:00 PM
 
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I think the departing spouse most often does not want to turn it around, and yes, I think it's not unusual for the departing spouse to have someone else waiting for them...... and often does not depart until a new love interest is in their life, but not always.

It can definitely be a very cold, brutal business and set of actions.
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Old 12-25-2015, 07:41 AM
 
491 posts, read 597,769 times
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Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
I think the departing spouse most often does not want to turn it around, and yes, I think it's not unusual for the departing spouse to have someone else waiting for them...... and often does not depart until a new love interest is in their life, but not always.

It can definitely be a very cold, brutal business and set of actions.
I would agree(as a departing spouse) that by that point no, I didn't want to turn it around. Matter o fact I went to marriage counseling with him briefly after I left. I told the counselor in my initial interview, it was a one way ticket out. For 20 years I tried to make it work, he did nothing to improve the situation. I suggested marriage counseling multiple times, he wouldn't go. I finally had had enough. I was beyond done.

I had some one else waiting-my long abandoned self. I have been happily divorced for 20 years. Sometimes it isn't fixable.
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Old 12-29-2015, 11:12 AM
 
Location: USA
1,815 posts, read 2,241,646 times
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Originally Posted by Caltovegas View Post
Ok please don't blow me up but I have to ask. Those who have been married for decades and divorced do you ever feel like you wasted time? Next what about sex? When did that stop?
I'll answer.




That was exactly my thought when my ex announced he wanted a divorce -- What a complete waste of time this all was.


And the sex had not stopped.
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Old 12-29-2015, 12:52 PM
 
Location: P.C.F
1,973 posts, read 1,640,676 times
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Lots have talked about cheating Ex's.. Cheating is a symptom of a bigger issue.. The issue may be the cheaters but its still symptom of a bigger issue..
This came to mind as well... Do you want to see your wife lose 30 lbs and start looking sexy again? Divorce her!
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Old 12-29-2015, 01:05 PM
 
8,820 posts, read 5,119,154 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by josie13 View Post
I still believe that the decent thing to do, if one is discontent in a marriage, is to say something to one's spouse, somewhere along the line. A married couple owe one another that simple honesty and straightforward treatment, I think: a chance to work things out, in honor of everything they've been to one another.

As you say, how do you know the situation can't be turned around unless you try? I wonder how many people who intend to divorce make their big announcement one day, without any advance notice, and then walk out, unless they have somebody waiting in the wings (as did my ex)?

I personally know several women who had midlife divorce sprung on them with no warning. We all had young children (tweens and younger). One husband handed his wife a sealed envelope with a "Dear Jane" note. Another cleaned out his belongings from the marital home on his lunch break and then moved on to his new life that afternoon. My ex and one other sat down with their wives in person and told them it was over.

They were all having secret affairs and unilaterally decided to cast off the old wife as if she were a pair of old sneakers that weren't new and bouncy anymore.
I'm sure that happens. What I suspect happens even more often though, is one spouse does express their discontent, and the other spouse does not listen.
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Old 12-29-2015, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,967,079 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by josie13 View Post
I still believe that the decent thing to do, if one is discontent in a marriage, is to say something to one's spouse, somewhere along the line. A married couple owe one another that simple honesty and straightforward treatment, I think: a chance to work things out, in honor of everything they've been to one another.

As you say, how do you know the situation can't be turned around unless you try? I wonder how many people who intend to divorce make their big announcement one day, without any advance notice, and then walk out, unless they have somebody waiting in the wings (as did my ex)?

I personally know several women who had midlife divorce sprung on them with no warning. We all had young children (tweens and younger). One husband handed his wife a sealed envelope with a "Dear Jane" note. Another cleaned out his belongings from the marital home on his lunch break and then moved on to his new life that afternoon. My ex and one other sat down with their wives in person and told them it was over.

They were all having secret affairs and unilaterally decided to cast off the old wife as if she were a pair of old sneakers that weren't new and bouncy anymore.
Serving one's spouse with papers for divorce IS expressing discontent in the marriage esp if, as you say, many or most of those leaving have someone waiting in the wings; there's nothing the spouse being left can say or do to change things. Maybe that's why the divorce is sprung on them rather than talked about, because there's no negotiation. The one in the wings has already "moved in."
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Old 12-29-2015, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,967,079 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Macgregorsailor51 View Post
Lots have talked about cheating Ex's.. Cheating is a symptom of a bigger issue.. The issue may be the cheaters but its still symptom of a bigger issue..
This came to mind as well... Do you want to see your wife lose 30 lbs and start looking sexy again? Divorce her!
Cheating is not always a sign of a "bigger issue." Maybe there's no "issue" except that simply someone else more adoring and sexier came along.
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Old 12-29-2015, 01:42 PM
 
6,306 posts, read 5,042,575 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverBird View Post
Cheating is not always a sign of a "bigger issue." Maybe there's no "issue" except that simply someone else more adoring and sexier came along.
And you can't say younger and better looking.

I have witnessed many philandering goings on while I was in the military. Most of them stayed with their spouses.

There was one big surprise - guy met and took off with a woman much older, looked it too, but I guess she had something the wife didn't. They liked to do the same kinds of things - camping and outdoor activities.
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