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Old 12-31-2015, 02:55 PM
 
Location: Florida Baby!
5,180 posts, read 669,439 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
Does it appear as though as though it is usually men who suddenly realize they need a divorce? Women may sense the sickness in the marriage and want to talk about, get counseling, try something else before talking divorce?

There were several couples that were ahead of us the morning of our court date. In every single case it was the woman who was seeking the divorce (me included).
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Old 12-31-2015, 04:49 PM
 
Location: Florida Baby!
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Originally Posted by Caltovegas View Post
Ok please don't blow me up but I have to ask. Those who have been married for decades and divorced do you ever feel like you wasted time? Next what about sex? When did that stop?
1) Was is a waste of time? Not necessarily--you learn a lot about yourself and the other person and how each of you react under the pressures of life. As it has been said elsewhere, people do change. As I always say, "what a long strange trip its been."

2) When did the sex stop? I would say it more or less "disappeared" and my ex would be the first one to tell you that I was the "cold fish." What he wouldn't tell you is that he is a functional alcoholic and the only way he would approach me was after a few drinks which affected his "performance." But the larger issue for women is they spend their lives putting everyone first, and--at least in my case--slowly realize that they are being taken for granted. It got to the point in our relationship that whatever I did was not good enough. Sex for me became a chore--"one more thing" I had to do.

I think the beginning of the end occurred about 12 years prior. In a fit of "midlife crisis madness" I developed a gigantic crush on my supervisor at work (and for the record, he never knew until after the fact) He was the first person in a long time who really cared what I thought. As fate would have it, he took a job in another state. To make a real long and twisted story short, when he left--surprise, surprise--I had a "nervous breakdown." I had to tell my husband what was up as I was borderline suicidal and was really afraid that I was a danger to myself. Needless to say, it didn't go over well. With a ton of counseling we managed to patch up the marriage, but he never forgave me and it showed.

So toward the end, the marriage was a "series of unfortunate events" that we failed to weather. He will always be my "life partner" -- we have 2 kids together so the ties we have will never be broken. We have both tried very hard to stay friends (he just called to wish me a happy new year), and I am still in contact with my ex-in-laws and some of his family. This year he moved out of state (another long story) and is living with his girlfriend in Texas. I'm 2 years away from retirement and I am not seeking out any relationships because I plan to move out of state once I stop working.

I can say in all honesty that I'm a lot happier now than I ever being married. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not cut out for the married lifestyle--for me marriage, kids (though I do love mine to death) and home ownership are all highly overrated.

The book Marriage Shock: The Transformation of Women into Wives by Delma Heyn http://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Shock...sap_bc?ie=UTF8 does a pretty good job of exploring the difficulty many women have in maintaining their personalities within the institution of marriage.
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Old 12-31-2015, 06:57 PM
 
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Offhand (disclaimer- I've never been married or wanted to be) I'd say that women often seek divorce because men won't change. They won't leave but they won't change cheating, or drinking/drugging, or some other very negative behavior. It is too easy (and affordable) to just stay in the marriage and not change. My guess is that's why women tend to seek divorce in higher numbers.
I've yet to see a man leave a marriage for extreme dissatisfaction until he has someone else in the wings, whereas I've seen women leave without someone to go to.
I like men. Even this late in life, I'd like to find a rest-of-life partner. But these are my observations and I do try to watch and learn.
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Old 12-31-2015, 07:22 PM
 
6,306 posts, read 5,049,308 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
Offhand (disclaimer- I've never been married or wanted to be) I'd say that women often seek divorce because men won't change. They won't leave but they won't change cheating, or drinking/drugging, or some other very negative behavior. It is too easy (and affordable) to just stay in the marriage and not change. My guess is that's why women tend to seek divorce in higher numbers.
I've yet to see a man leave a marriage for extreme dissatisfaction until he has someone else in the wings, whereas I've seen women leave without someone to go to.
I like men. Even this late in life, I'd like to find a rest-of-life partner. But these are my observations and I do try to watch and learn.
what do you think of that old saying- women want men to change and men want women to stay the same -?

I think that the behavior we cannot tolerate in our male partner was there but we were blinded by love or whatever. The newness of the relationship. That is what is scary to me. Great in the beginning and then just blah. Maybe have not found the right person.
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Old 12-31-2015, 07:49 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,471,910 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
I've yet to see a man leave a marriage for extreme dissatisfaction until he has someone else in the wings, whereas I've seen women leave without someone to go to.
Funny. In my narrow experience the ex left me after 25 years of marriage and decidedly had someone else in the wings. But of course, that's just my experience. Once was enough!
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Old 01-01-2016, 03:04 AM
 
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My observations are just data points, like any one person's experience. But I do try to watch and learn. Ya never know.
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Old 01-02-2016, 01:34 AM
 
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I've never married but this is basically a universal man thing. When it comes to trying to get a man to counselling he balks because men dont want anyone else in their business. Especially another man. The male counselor can be cussed out with the wrong statement or word. Then the man is out of there never to be seen again.
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Old 01-03-2016, 04:42 PM
 
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We are not legally married, but do have property together, so just selling it and splitting the proceeds will be the way to go for us.

Its been on the edge for years, and I just can't stand it any more. I want to be in a relationship with a relaxed normal person. I thought we could just live here as roommates, but that is not what I want.
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Old 01-18-2016, 08:55 PM
 
135 posts, read 225,198 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
what do you think of that old saying- women want men to change and men want women to stay the same -?

I think that the behavior we cannot tolerate in our male partner was there but we were blinded by love or whatever. The newness of the relationship. That is what is scary to me. Great in the beginning and then just blah. Maybe have not found the right person.
I recently left. Really recently. I am still going through the angst and the "what have I done?!" phase. And my reason was intolerable behavior... if a magic fairy could wave a wand and he could become that guy I fell in love with so many years ago I would go back. But sadly no fairies, no wands and little to no faith that he would ever admit to being at least semi-responsible for this breakup. Every time I miss him or feel weak the thought of returning makes me come to my senses when I realize that living that way was killing me. I just hope that someday it really does get easier than this.
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Old 01-18-2016, 10:17 PM
 
1,734 posts, read 1,948,466 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mishmom View Post
I recently left. Really recently. I am still going through the angst and the "what have I done?!" phase. And my reason was intolerable behavior... if a magic fairy could wave a wand and he could become that guy I fell in love with so many years ago I would go back. But sadly no fairies, no wands and little to no faith that he would ever admit to being at least semi-responsible for this breakup. Every time I miss him or feel weak the thought of returning makes me come to my senses when I realize that living that way was killing me. I just hope that someday it really does get easier than this.
Of course it does. But you have to help it along by moving forward, instead of ruminating - lol!
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