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Old 08-31-2011, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
1,786 posts, read 2,377,799 times
Reputation: 893

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AK-Cathy... no secrets no words of wisdom...

relationships work when BOTH parties try to keep things together. many times, at least in my case, I was the only one working on the marriage... trying to keep the spark- trying new things to spice the intimate side, trying to change to please, giving up who I was until I didn't recognise who I was... then one day I get.. (he was turning 50 by the way).. "I have been having an affair with a co-worker and I'm in love and I want a divorce"... GEEZ.. hit me in the head with a hammer...

I was shocked, hurt and at first bitter but after a while settled down, did a "do it yourself divorce" (do not like lawyers and the extremely high fees).. DID not take 1/2 his pension even though I'm 8 years older then him and could use it sooner but he never put away any 401k and he didn't ask for 1/2 my 401k either. I did get the home but he got the remote cabin and land which I loved more then him... we talk and see each other due to my 21 year old living with me temporarily and don't bash or argue... what's the point. Like I said before.. life changes, re-adjust... I LOVE my independance and making all the decissions on repairs, color and where I want to live. I am a "lets do it" new adventures kind of person- he was a seditary.. couch potato... things have worked out for the best but now will work until I drop dead... lol... oh well keeps one young right??
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Old 08-31-2011, 12:15 PM
 
7,338 posts, read 16,637,122 times
Reputation: 4567
This thread caught my attention because a lot of my classmates from my '68 graduation, are still married to the spouse they married back in the 70's! When I talk to them on Facebook, they all seem to have a fantastic marriage going on yet.
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Old 08-31-2011, 12:21 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,612 posts, read 9,676,241 times
Reputation: 10950
Quote:
Originally Posted by naturesdreams View Post
AK-Cathy... no secrets no words of wisdom...

relationships work when BOTH parties try to keep things together. many times, at least in my case, I was the only one working on the marriage... trying to keep the spark- trying new things to spice the intimate side, trying to change to please, giving up who I was until I didn't recognise who I was... then one day I get.. (he was turning 50 by the way).. "I have been having an affair with a co-worker and I'm in love and I want a divorce"... GEEZ.. hit me in the head with a hammer...

I was shocked, hurt and at first bitter but after a while settled down, did a "do it yourself divorce" (do not like lawyers and the extremely high fees).. DID not take 1/2 his pension even though I'm 8 years older then him and could use it sooner but he never put away any 401k and he didn't ask for 1/2 my 401k either. I did get the home but he got the remote cabin and land which I loved more then him... we talk and see each other due to my 21 year old living with me temporarily and don't bash or argue... what's the point. Like I said before.. life changes, re-adjust... I LOVE my independance and making all the decissions on repairs, color and where I want to live. I am a "lets do it" new adventures kind of person- he was a seditary.. couch potato... things have worked out for the best but now will work until I drop dead... lol... oh well keeps one young right??
Oh geez...the one thing I forgot to mention was that my husband moved in with one of my BEST friends the day he left our home. How could I forget that??? lol She's the one who introduced us all those years ago, she was my matron of honor at our wedding and I really wondered just WHEN did THEY manage to 'get together' behind my back. Hmmmmmmm... Needless to say she is, and has been, my EX best friend for many years now. I saw her at work one day and she invited me to "come by for coffee". I don't think so. I'm no longer mad at her but she proved, beyond a doubt, that she is NOT my friend and I have no desire to even talk to her. Besides, she's a baaaad druggie and I don't associate with them. I'll never forget the day I confronted her about it all. She said to me...and I quote!..."But "I" deserve happiness too!!". Good grief! I'll never forget that. HER "happiness" at the expense of her "best friend"... On the other hand, I blame HIM too because he was an idiot.
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Old 08-31-2011, 12:51 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,969,510 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat View Post
Oh geez...the one thing I forgot to mention was that my husband moved in with one of my BEST friends the day he left our home. How could I forget that??? lol She's the one who introduced us all those years ago, she was my matron of honor at our wedding and I really wondered just WHEN did THEY manage to 'get together' behind my back. Hmmmmmmm... Needless to say she is, and has been, my EX best friend for many years now. I saw her at work one day and she invited me to "come by for coffee". I don't think so. I'm no longer mad at her but she proved, beyond a doubt, that she is NOT my friend and I have no desire to even talk to her. Besides, she's a baaaad druggie and I don't associate with them. I'll never forget the day I confronted her about it all. She said to me...and I quote!..."But "I" deserve happiness too!!". Good grief! I'll never forget that. HER "happiness" at the expense of her "best friend"... On the other hand, I blame HIM too because he was an idiot.
Love your sense of humor! Is the happy couple still together?
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Old 08-31-2011, 01:06 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
1,786 posts, read 2,377,799 times
Reputation: 893
Yes AZDesertBrat... don't they all "deserve happiness"?... that is what I got too... at others expense??... let the Karma god get the revenge is what I'm doing. I won't waste my time with bitterness and heart break anymore. In your case, you're better off without two losers like them. but what goes around comes around... once a cheater always a cheater and either one of them will cheat sooner or latter when they get bored.

I almost forgot too... my ex's co-worker mistress was married her self with two young children... double trouble and destroy two marriages at the same time.. NICE hey... I am actually very happy now and wouldn't want my life back the way it was for anything in the world... carry on I always say
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Old 08-31-2011, 01:11 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,745 posts, read 4,215,210 times
Reputation: 6866
Default long post

I practiced "family" law off and on for about 20 years. One of my current part time gigs is providing free advice via a court sponsored "family" law helpline. I place the word "family" in quotes, because my job is to help people who are in the process of witnessing the destruction of their family. I prefer the term "domestic law" but alas, my colleagues prefer the former.

I had initially decided to ignore this thread, as I deal with this stuff on a weekly basis. But, (there's always a but) I am concerned that some of the posts may lead lurkers to conclude that something is wrong if they are not able to "get with the program" and move on.

Here are some general observations. 1) The longer the marriage, the longer the grieving process. Yes, you should grieve. Psychologists will tell you that divorce incurs the same feelings of loss as the death of a loved one, but the courts/friends/family members will not allow you sufficient time to adequately grieve. Some widows/widowers never get over their loss, nor do some divorcees. 2) 99% of the time, both parties are at "fault." They may convince themselves that the other party is solely responsible for the failure of the marriage, but in general, this is false. 3) The wife does not alienate the couple's adult children, although a significant number of husbands believe this. The children are adults and have already established relationships with both parents. If it's a strong relationship, it will continue...unless one of the parents treats the other badly during the divorce process. Adult children are not deaf and blind. They hear and see and are capable of drawing their own conclusions. How do I know this? They occasionally call the helpline because they are concerned for Mom's welfare. 4) Women tend to infantilize men. I swear to God, I want to scream when the man's mother, sister or girlfriend calls for advice regarding the man's divorce, custody or child support case. I refuse to advise these women. 5) Ergo, men are generally clueless. For example, they do not understand how to deal with the 14 year old girl who does not want to visit when Dad is living with his girlfriend. I will advise these guys. 6) "Older" homemakers are the worse. I get calls where they are now living in poverty and are desperate for relief. If they are already divorced, it is too late. If not, I spend a lot of time emphasizing the need for an attorney and a therapist. These ladies should NOT be negotiating while they are in denial and/or having a mental breakdown. If the H has just announced he is leaving, that gives me time to tell them what steps they can take to limit the inevitable damage.

I'm sure I'll think of other truisms. As for me, I hired a family law attorney because I was clearly unable to represent myself while my world was falling apart.
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Old 08-31-2011, 01:31 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,884 posts, read 25,311,688 times
Reputation: 26351
Quote:
Originally Posted by lenora View Post
I practiced "family" law off and on for about 20 years. One of my current part time gigs is providing free advice via a court sponsored "family" law helpline. I place the word "family" in quotes, because my job is to help people who are in the process of witnessing the destruction of their family. I prefer the term "domestic law" but alas, my colleagues prefer the former.

I had initially decided to ignore this thread, as I deal with this stuff on a weekly basis. But, (there's always a but) I am concerned that some of the posts may lead lurkers to conclude that something is wrong if they are not able to "get with the program" and move on.

Here are some general observations. 1) The longer the marriage, the longer the grieving process. Yes, you should grieve. Psychologists will tell you that divorce incurs the same feelings of loss as the death of a loved one, but the courts/friends/family members will not allow you sufficient time to adequately grieve. Some widows/widowers never get over their loss, nor do some divorcees. 2) 99% of the time, both parties are at "fault." They may convince themselves that the other party is solely responsible for the failure of the marriage, but in general, this is false. 3) The wife does not alienate the couple's adult children, although a significant number of husbands believe this. The children are adults and have already established relationships with both parents. If it's a strong relationship, it will continue...unless one of the parents treats the other badly during the divorce process. Adult children are not deaf and blind. They hear and see and are capable of drawing their own conclusions. How do I know this? They occasionally call the helpline because they are concerned for Mom's welfare. 4) Women tend to infantilize men. I swear to God, I want to scream when the man's mother, sister or girlfriend calls for advice regarding the man's divorce, custody or child support case. I refuse to advise these women. 5) Ergo, men are generally clueless. For example, they do not understand how to deal with the 14 year old girl who does not want to visit when Dad is living with his girlfriend. I will advise these guys. 6) "Older" homemakers are the worse. I get calls where they are now living in poverty and are desperate for relief. If they are already divorced, it is too late. If not, I spend a lot of time emphasizing the need for an attorney and a therapist. These ladies should NOT be negotiating while they are in denial and/or having a mental breakdown. If the H has just announced he is leaving, that gives me time to tell them what steps they can take to limit the inevitable damage.

I'm sure I'll think of other truisms. As for me, I hired a family law attorney because I was clearly unable to represent myself while my world was falling apart.
Great post, Lenora. Thank you. I agree it takes a long time to get over the end of a long term marriage. Especially if one of you is blindsided and it happens unexpectedly. Or you learn about the SO's infidelity.

Part of me will always grieve the end of my marriage. I will always miss my STBX, he is a good man and he was an excellent companion. We shared so many good times together and accomplished many common goals. He was and is a good man and I wish him nothing but the best.

I did my grieving while I was still married. My commute to work was my 'crying time'. I told him back in 1998, that he had 10 years to change and he didn't. I'm sure he didn't believe that I would actually walk the talk. Until it happened, I wasn't sure I could do it either! 2008 came and I packed up my car and moved 2500 miles cross country alone. I had 10 years to grieve and consider my options.

When I reread my post, it sounds like all that was involved was financial considerations. It was much more than that. It's not all dollars and cents. But by the time we divided up everything, I had already accepted the situation in my head. In that respect, I was fortunate.
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Old 08-31-2011, 02:36 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,093 posts, read 5,882,815 times
Reputation: 30347
My ex, after we were separated...

his best friend/employer died unexpectedly, so my soon-to-be-ex and the widow immediately began dating a few weeks after his death....they got married a few yrs later.




Quote:
Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat View Post
Oh geez...the one thing I forgot to mention was that my husband moved in with one of my BEST friends the day he left our home. How could I forget that??? lol She's the one who introduced us all those years ago, she was my matron of honor at our wedding and I really wondered just WHEN did THEY manage to 'get together' behind my back. Hmmmmmmm... Needless to say she is, and has been, my EX best friend for many years now. I saw her at work one day and she invited me to "come by for coffee". I don't think so. I'm no longer mad at her but she proved, beyond a doubt, that she is NOT my friend and I have no desire to even talk to her. Besides, she's a baaaad druggie and I don't associate with them. I'll never forget the day I confronted her about it all. She said to me...and I quote!..."But "I" deserve happiness too!!". Good grief! I'll never forget that. HER "happiness" at the expense of her "best friend"... On the other hand, I blame HIM too because he was an idiot.
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Old 08-31-2011, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
1,786 posts, read 2,377,799 times
Reputation: 893
Lenora, I love your post and I grieved and went many sleepless nights crying and feeling terrible... but I got help by 360divorce.com and writing my craziness down and got help from others that had gone through the same thing... my therapy in a way. I followed the advice of one that told me about working out to help me sleep and not only did I sleep better but I got into the best shape of my life and now can do all the things I missed doing while I was married.

I NEVER bad mouth my ex to his children but they are 21 and 26 and YES they are very intelligent and made up their own minds what they wanted out of a relationship w/ my ex. Being alone after 22 years is not easy even now but I make the best of it and when I feel lonely I call a friend or family member to talk.

I don't want anyone to think they are less of a person if they cannot get over a loss like this but I did have help with the 360divorce blog and met many nice people through emails that were there for me when I needed their help. Seek help if you're having problems dealing... mine was the blog... yours maybe something entirely different but Lenora is correct.. sometimes you just need to seek help... nothing wrong with that at all
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Old 08-31-2011, 03:28 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,969,510 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by lenora View Post
I practiced "family" law off and on for about 20 years. One of my current part time gigs is providing free advice via a court sponsored "family" law helpline. I place the word "family" in quotes, because my job is to help people who are in the process of witnessing the destruction of their family. I prefer the term "domestic law" but alas, my colleagues prefer the former.

I had initially decided to ignore this thread, as I deal with this stuff on a weekly basis. But, (there's always a but) I am concerned that some of the posts may lead lurkers to conclude that something is wrong if they are not able to "get with the program" and move on.

Here are some general observations. 1) The longer the marriage, the longer the grieving process. Yes, you should grieve. Psychologists will tell you that divorce incurs the same feelings of loss as the death of a loved one, but the courts/friends/family members will not allow you sufficient time to adequately grieve. Some widows/widowers never get over their loss, nor do some divorcees. 2) 99% of the time, both parties are at "fault." They may convince themselves that the other party is solely responsible for the failure of the marriage, but in general, this is false. 3) The wife does not alienate the couple's adult children, although a significant number of husbands believe this. The children are adults and have already established relationships with both parents. If it's a strong relationship, it will continue...unless one of the parents treats the other badly during the divorce process. Adult children are not deaf and blind. They hear and see and are capable of drawing their own conclusions. How do I know this? They occasionally call the helpline because they are concerned for Mom's welfare. 4) Women tend to infantilize men. I swear to God, I want to scream when the man's mother, sister or girlfriend calls for advice regarding the man's divorce, custody or child support case. I refuse to advise these women. 5) Ergo, men are generally clueless. For example, they do not understand how to deal with the 14 year old girl who does not want to visit when Dad is living with his girlfriend. I will advise these guys. 6) "Older" homemakers are the worse. I get calls where they are now living in poverty and are desperate for relief. If they are already divorced, it is too late. If not, I spend a lot of time emphasizing the need for an attorney and a therapist. These ladies should NOT be negotiating while they are in denial and/or having a mental breakdown. If the H has just announced he is leaving, that gives me time to tell them what steps they can take to limit the inevitable damage.

I'm sure I'll think of other truisms. As for me, I hired a family law attorney because I was clearly unable to represent myself while my world was falling apart.
Amazing insight, based on your experience. I didn't know there was a helpline, this is good info for anyone who needs it, thanks.
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