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Old 09-03-2011, 09:49 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,857 posts, read 18,881,066 times
Reputation: 33788

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I got divorced at age 60. My husband was a Viet Nam vet who finally cracked and I stayed for too long trying to help him. I should have left when the VA told me that he was too far gone.
He spent everything we had ever worked for and I helped him get SSI and his VA disability yet I got nothing at all.
I hadn't worked in about ten years due to illness so when he wanted a divorce I had to get SSI and then a little bit of SS.
I'll never have money again, it's too late. I'm now married to a wonderful man but his ex grabbed everything he had so we are barely scraping by. He works although he is 71 yrs old. I can't afford Medicare except for what is taken out of my SS and we don't have much of a life. That's what it's like getting divorced later in life--unless you marry for money. I didn't, I married for love.
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Old 09-04-2011, 08:18 AM
 
7,340 posts, read 16,653,411 times
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I was talking "in general" because many, many marital problems and divorces are due to the absence of a spouse due to a job. Either traveling for a job or spending lots of hours at a local job can hurt a marriage. If a child or adult needs counseling at any time, the counselor can hear "my dad (or mom) is (or was) around that much" OR "he (or she) just isn't around that much" being said by spouse dealing with a marriage.
As for us, we love to be together and do most things together........we do have that much in common! At one job she had, she had to travel out-of-state three times for training.....I went with her each time and we both loved it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat View Post
I'm glad you said "can" because, believe me, what I meant by being able "to do what I wanted" NEVER included going out, clubbing...anytime!...or anything like that. What it did mean was that I could spend my days off out of town visiting my parents, family, kids and grandkids without worrying that my husband "couldn't get along without me". But then he wasn't that "type" anyway and he never minded me doing all that. *I* was the one who worried about being away too much, not him. In fact he enjoyed having his OWN 'alone time' without me sometimes. And we had a very good marriage and were happy, at the time. Doing what I wanted also meant I could spend as much time at my job as I wanted and since I truly loved my job...I wore many hats and stayed incredibly busy...it was all good.

I think it's up to the individual and what kind of person they are, deep down, whether or not a marriage with long absences can endure and be successful. My own marriage didn't end because of the long absences but other things. I wasn't a young woman when I was married to him. I was in my 40s and 50s so my interests, whether he was there or not, were nothing like a 20 somethings would have been. Also, I had been single nearly ten years before I married him and I was quite independent...so was he. We didn't need to be together alllll the time to be happy.
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Old 09-04-2011, 07:31 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,988,950 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
I got divorced at age 60. My husband was a Viet Nam vet who finally cracked and I stayed for too long trying to help him. I should have left when the VA told me that he was too far gone.
He spent everything we had ever worked for and I helped him get SSI and his VA disability yet I got nothing at all.
I hadn't worked in about ten years due to illness so when he wanted a divorce I had to get SSI and then a little bit of SS.
I'll never have money again, it's too late. I'm now married to a wonderful man but his ex grabbed everything he had so we are barely scraping by. He works although he is 71 yrs old. I can't afford Medicare except for what is taken out of my SS and we don't have much of a life. That's what it's like getting divorced later in life--unless you marry for money. I didn't, I married for love.
Wow, this is a tough story...and you are a survivor and also very compassionate. And yes, it often turns out that marrying "poor" out of love turns out decades later in disaster, probably more common that you think. It's great though that you're married to a wonderful guy.
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:26 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,988,950 times
Reputation: 15649
Other stories (and lessons) about getting divorced over the age of 55-60?
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Old 10-11-2011, 10:29 PM
 
9,207 posts, read 9,283,907 times
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Quote:
"Older" homemakers are the worse. I get calls where they are now living in poverty and are desperate for relief. If they are already divorced, it is too late. If not, I spend a lot of time emphasizing the need for an attorney and a therapist. These ladies should NOT be negotiating while they are in denial and/or having a mental breakdown. If the H has just announced he is leaving, that gives me time to tell them what steps they can take to limit the inevitable damage.

I'm sure I'll think of other truisms. As for me, I hired a family law attorney because I was clearly unable to represent myself while my world was falling apart.
As an attorney, I've hired attorneys to represent me in: (1) a property dispute I had with a very bad neighbor; (2) to prepare Mom's trust and estate plan; (3) when I received minor injuries in a car accident. Everytime, I felt I had made the right decision despite the fact it cost me.

I don't handle divorce cases currently. I think the last time I represented a divorce litigant was over ten years ago. I have no personal conflict of interest here.

If adults believe they can get a divorce without any input from a lawyer its not my job to tell them they can't. However, I have talked to several family law attorneys and this is what they have told me. Several love "do-it-yourself" divorce because in their words, it ultimately makes more work for them than doing a simple divorce would have in the first place. What a lot people don't seem to be able to grasp is that they don't like things they can't just go back to court and ask the judge nicely to "fix things". Modifying a divorce decree takes a "material change in circumstances" because of a legal doctrine known by the Latin phrase of "res judicata" (the case has been decided). So, when you hurry to sign divorce papers because you are eager for the marriage to be over, you don't want to pay lawyer fees, and the mental stress of it all is killing you, you may not be able to go back later and fix things the way you want too.

My state made a decision about a decade ago to put all these divorce forms on line that people can buy for about $50. I don't think it was a particularly wise decision because even as an attorney, I have trouble understanding some of the language that's used in the forms. Heaven knows what meaning people without a legal education ascribe to all those words and terms.

Anyway, good luck if that's the route you go. Make darn sure you are satisfied with the results because yes, its for real, and you can't just snap your fingers and change it.
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Old 10-11-2011, 10:35 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,668 posts, read 74,655,684 times
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a heart breaking subject since i did not remarry after divorce when i was 49, i did not experience the trauma of being a dumped senior citizen.
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Old 10-12-2011, 09:03 AM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,857 posts, read 18,881,066 times
Reputation: 33788
Me again. I had no money for a divorce when my ex announced he was leaving but I got a free divorce through Harvard Law School and they were wonderful. Ex never even showed up in court, that's how "far gone" he was and they don't bother going after someone. Nothing would have been gained anyway--he had nothing but disability pensions and you can't get money from someone else's disability pensions.

There was no fighting over possessions since ex didn't want anything! We had split up once before so we had already split the proceeds from our house. During the divorce I sold most of the furniture, started dating, and got into subsidized housing ( which I HATE but I went in as an emergency case--OMG how close we are to being homeless and we don't even know it!)

I don't know how you afford a lawyer when you have no money, such as my case where ex was a compulsive spender. I will always be grateful for how lucky I was to have the services of Harvard Law School.

Last edited by in_newengland; 10-12-2011 at 09:16 AM..
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Old 10-12-2011, 06:01 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
1,786 posts, read 2,379,702 times
Reputation: 893
Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
Me again. I had no money for a divorce when my ex announced he was leaving but I got a free divorce through Harvard Law School and they were wonderful. Ex never even showed up in court, that's how "far gone" he was and they don't bother going after someone. Nothing would have been gained anyway--he had nothing but disability pensions and you can't get money from someone else's disability pensions.

There was no fighting over possessions since ex didn't want anything! We had split up once before so we had already split the proceeds from our house. During the divorce I sold most of the furniture, started dating, and got into subsidized housing ( which I HATE but I went in as an emergency case--OMG how close we are to being homeless and we don't even know it!)

I don't know how you afford a lawyer when you have no money, such as my case where ex was a compulsive spender. I will always be grateful for how lucky I was to have the services of Harvard Law School.
I didn't want to pay a lawyer such outrageous fees. I looked up the process, printed out the forms but fortunately for me my ex was cooperating... subsidized housing was where I grew up and I know it can be hard. I'm glad you found Harvard too.
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Old 10-13-2011, 03:11 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,988,950 times
Reputation: 15649
If everyone doesn't mind I'd rather hear the accounts of folks who have divorced over the age of 55-60, thanks....
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Old 06-16-2012, 02:43 PM
 
2 posts, read 5,903 times
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I have been divorced now for a year and a half and am still grieving. not fun. This all happened after 24 years of being together and within two years buried my first wife cancer, my aunt dementia, my father cancer, my second wife had major surgery and then closing my business in the food and limousine business. two years ago this weekend she woke up and said i'll always love you but im not in love anymore. 6 months later im divorced. I am 60 well fit, dont drink or smoke and have always been responsible. my wife felt like life was passing her by at only 49. we had reached a point where everything was in place and now this. i just dont get it. It also didn;t help that a so call friend of mine was wooing her while i was working. Nice huh? But im still shellshocked as is everyone in our community. Love hurts more nthan any other pain in the world.
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