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Old 09-01-2011, 11:52 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,467,321 times
Reputation: 29071

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You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is"nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
7. Yes, they have hurricanes there, too

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1.. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
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Old 09-01-2011, 12:44 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,726,438 times
Reputation: 32304
Damn, Curmudgeon, that was fantastic! A real keeper. I'm still chuckling.
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Old 09-01-2011, 12:53 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,967,079 times
Reputation: 15649
OR

You can retire to Missoura where:

1-A grocery bag is a Sack

2-The small towns have names that make you wonder
Bean Lake, Bible Grove, Blue Eye
Conception, Enough
Fairdealing, Fidelity, Frankenstein
Humansville
Licking, Peculiar
Reform
Roach
Romance
Sleeper
Tightwad
Useful
Curmudgeon

3-A peach is a real peach
4-Summer is so long and hot they've eliminated Spring and Fall
5-A FiddleFest is the cultural highlight of the year
6-Curmudgeons are real curmudgeons, not fakes
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Old 09-01-2011, 01:03 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,467,321 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
OR

You can retire to Missoura where:

1-A grocery bag is a Sack

2-The small towns have names that make you wonder
Bean Lake, Bible Grove, Blue Eye
Conception, Enough
Fairdealing, Fidelity, Frankenstein
Humansville
Licking, Peculiar
Reform
Roach
Romance
Sleeper
Tightwad
Useful
Curmudgeon

3-A peach is a real peach
4-Summer is so long and hot they've eliminated Spring and Fall
5-A FiddleFest is the cultural highlight of the year
6-Curmudgeons are real curmudgeons, not fakes
Right you are, except for Fall. It's longer, and our mailing address is Blue Eye! A fine little village straddling the MO-AR border. From the MO side it boasts 129 inhabitants, so says the sign. From the AR side, the sign says 36. The post office, a cafe, a pizza parlor, a taxidermist and two liquor stores a stone's throw from one another constitute the main drag.

It's also where El Dorado is pronounced El-do-ray-do, Nevada is Ne-vay-da and Boliver is Bull-i-var. Only in the Ozarks!
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Old 09-01-2011, 01:50 PM
 
Location: SoCal
6,063 posts, read 9,522,564 times
Reputation: 5789
The California seasons are: fire, flood, drought, earthquake.

Or: summer, this summer, last summer, next summer.
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Old 09-01-2011, 01:53 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,141,087 times
Reputation: 22373
Or

You can retire to the mountains of western North Carolina where . . .

1. the day passes on "mountain time" which means an appointment with a repairman is valid at any time within a 4 day period, depending on when the repairman gets the urge to show up.
2. there are roads, and then there are "summer roads" . . .
3. everyone is someone's cousin, except for YOU
4. underground income is generated from "'sang hunting," indigenous pot, and home-made "brandy"
5. you can get shot for hiking in the wrong spot
6. all bad drivers are assumed to be Floridians and are referred to as "Floridiots"
7. "the crik's up" has deep meaning for your travel plans
8. vegetables are measured as "amessa" . . .i.e., amessa greens, amessa 'maters, amessa corn
9. no one works on Monday - at least, not at YOUR house
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Old 09-01-2011, 01:58 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,141,087 times
Reputation: 22373
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
It's also where El Dorado is pronounced El-do-ray-do, Nevada is Ne-vay-da and Boliver is Bull-i-var. Only in the Ozarks!
You left out my favorite! Versailles! Imagine my surprise, mais oui, when I got corrected on that one . . .
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Old 09-01-2011, 02:07 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,467,321 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
You left out my favorite! Versailles! Imagine my surprise, mais oui, when I got corrected on that one . . .
Oh, yeah! Ver-sails. And I did it wrong. It's Bull-i-vUr or Bowl-i-vur or sumpin'! Hard to keep track. Took me long enough to find out that Rolla isn't Role-a, it's Raw-lah. Thankfully, I did so before we went there.

What a country place!
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Old 09-01-2011, 02:22 PM
 
Location: WA
5,393 posts, read 21,385,099 times
Reputation: 5884
very good... thanks!
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Old 09-01-2011, 02:24 PM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,954 posts, read 7,388,974 times
Reputation: 16278
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
5

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1.. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR


You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You obviously have never neen to either MN or CO.
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