Eldercare (spouse, dumped, fighting, state)

[grandmallie]

Ok let me tell you my situation,
my MIL passed away almost 2 years ago, my FIL still lives in the house,with his eldest son and DIL.
We live an hr away and between my husband and I go over 3 times a week.My BIL basically ignores his father and had his ex wife,remarry him so there would be someone there to take care of my FIL.
That being said,I am getting alot of crap dumped on me,because my husband and I are the only ones to pay attention to him.He has incontince issues and refuses to wear depends,has had accidents in the car with his sister and dr's office, so now his sister wont take him to any appts anymore.
I go over on thursdays,make him sandwiches for the week,cut his hair when needed, do his laundry, and do his meds.His daughter in law buys pre packaged food and puts it in containers for him to heat up at night.
Last week I was the one who had to take his almost 17 yr old dog to the vet to be put down because she was walking in circles and was skin and bones, it was her time
Do I call his GP and have social services come make a call to see where we can get help, he is a very stubborn man and lies like a rug,so he will tell anyone anything and wont do it.
Does anyone out there have any answers.
Oh and he cant go into a nursing home or the BIL loses the house, which I could care less about ,it is a dump, at least they finally have someone coming in to clean once a week.

[Hemlock140]

The family and who does what is a shame but very common, the one who cares ends up doing the work. Even getting him into a care facility is a ton of work, we went through it. Issues about losing a house are not important, if he's at the point where someone needs to be around
to make sure he doesn't fall and spend the night on the floor, then you have to do it. The local hospitals will have social worker nurses that can help. We found that the best situation for my mother in law is an adult family home, a regular house with 3 caregivers and 6 residents. The fee is over $3,000/month. Eventually she was able to get onto medicaid, but most such places will take only 1-2 of those at a time because they have to accept less $ from the state as the private pays give them. Qualification for medicaid means no other assets, and they do go back to makes sure a house was not sold right before applying. Anything must be sold and the money spent toward the care before the state will kick in.

[sweetana3]

It all depends on what state is involved although without a living spouse, it is likely the house will need to be sold. Best to talk to someone local and perhaps and attorney on what is possible and what could happen under a variety of future conditions.ther

We are all in the same boat and there are few answers. Yes, we all hope for a better system to help but it is not there right now.

We are waiting for MIL to decide whether she will stay 600 miles away all alone or will come and live where we are so her only son can assist her. We cannot force her.

[sweetana3]

ps your brother and his wife are happily going to let you do whatever you can be forced into doing. There is no downside for them.

[AZgarden]

Was he, by any chance, a veteran? If so, and if he was in a war, the VA has services for those people and he might qualify. I would call the local VA hospital and ask to speak to social services there.

[grandmallie]

great idea, yes he is a veteran,I will look into that
It is truly sad that out of 3 boys,one who used and abused his whole family, that since his mother died has shone up once to take something from the house,and left my BIL holding the bag, my BIL,who is basically a recluse,works at night and sleeps during the day, if my FIL fell or hurt himself my BIL wouldnt do a thing,he has the door locked and wouldnt come out.
But us who live an hr away, end up getting the call to come take care of him,same thing with my MIL, twice in a week we had to go over and take her to the emergency room,the last time she was there 6 weeks and not once did my BIL take his father to visit,my DH took his father every day after work to the hospital, and on my days off I did the same,for 6 weeks, then she went to a nursing home and died 2 days later.
Sorry for venting, im sure you all have similar experiences

[grandmallie]

I finally got a hold of his nuerologist, he was able to get a nurse out there and he will get ,PT and OT, also sending a social worker
Now she has frontal lobe dementia and what my husband and I need to do is get POA so that he cant refuse his treatment.. will try and get a hold of an attorney next week after Irene slams us,
what im scared to death of is that they meaning my BIL and SIL will leave him alone and go up to there sons house and leave him alone.... during a hurricane and the center of it is supposed to go right through where they live.
I find out they left him there I will call the police

[Trivettes]

Grandmallie, to apply for the VA benefits you'll need to find his DD14. If you get a good VA rep, they might help you research it if you can't find it.

Far A's the POA, it's been my experience that POA's don't work if he refuses medical treatment. He must be in a coma or otherwise incognizant. I just had to have my elderly mother declared legally incompetent so that she can no longer refuse medical treatment. But get the POA first because he must be still legally competent to sign it.

To have him declared legally incompetent, at least here in FL, it took two doctors to sign a paper. I had to jump through hoops even tho my mom has dementia so bad that she's delusional most of the time. But they finally did it. Doctors are reluctant to do it because it takes away a person's rights. Fight for itifthey give you a hard time.

Otherwise, legal guardianship is another avenue you might explore with the attorney. It's expensive. And if you can get Durable Power Of Attorney, and if you then get him declared legally incompetent, then the DPOA kicks in and is the considered by the courts to be guardianship.

Make sure he has a Living Will too. And make sure you have DPOA over both healthcare and financials. They are two separate documents. That is, if you aren't going for guardianship. Oh, yeah, if you go for guardianship you must file reports with the court A's the court will oversee all your expenditures. It's easier if you can get the DPOAs and then get him declared incompetent by doctors or a psychiatrist. That's what they finally did with my mom--her doc called in a psychiatrist, and then I finally got her medical treatment.

I had to hire an attorney too. Be sure you find one experiencedin elder law. Good luck!

[grandmallie]

alright a nurse, pt and ot have been to the house, he has signed the papers so far, but the dementia is getting worse
we are trying everything we can to keep him in his home and he is fighting us tooth and nail.., wont wear depends, wont use his rolling walker, wont drink the fluids he is supposed to,
the bottom line will end up being from the house to the hospital to a nursing home..he doesnt understand what we tell him is for his own good..
I am getting sooooo tired, I have to drive an hr each way to be there for the appts, plus take him to other dr appts,
I have the weekend off from my work, so will try and get paperwork together for him to sign . hopefully while he is still with it

[sfcambridge]

Hang in there grandmallie.

What you are doing is so important, and you are a godsend to your family.

Thank you for doing what you do.