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Old 01-11-2019, 09:03 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
20,304 posts, read 19,285,182 times
Reputation: 34700

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I can't tell whether she meant it sarcastically (which would be pretty sadistic) or she just didn't have time or has something else going on. Things like that just leave me wondering.

Best wishes to you for good health. I went through it and I think it helps to allow nothing except positive thoughts. You are stronger than it is!
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Old 01-12-2019, 07:47 AM
 
Location: Williamsburg, VA
3,551 posts, read 1,739,340 times
Reputation: 10224
So I talked with my sister last night. It was kind of a strange conversation, but basically went well.

The first thing she said was "All I can give you is tea and sympathy" so I figured out that was a big issue for her. In fact, she said it twice; it kind of sounded like a phrase she had rehearsed.

Anyway, once I realized that was the issue I made sure she knew I didn't want her to do anything, I just wanted her to know. She seemed to relax after I said that. (LOL, what I didn't say was having her come down to "take care of me" would actually be the last thing I'd want. I'd end up taking care of her! But I didn't say that.)

The other weird thing that came up was she thought I might be joking.

Who would send out an e-mail like that as a joke? Apparently she has friends who do things like that, though. She's younger than me, so maybe it's a generational thing. Seems like a sick thing to do as a joke, to me.

Anyway, I'm glad we talked. We're very different people, but I think we'll find ways to get closer as I progress through dealing with this disease. Or maybe not, who knows. And in the meantime, I've learned that maybe family e-mails aren't the best way to do things. Maybe I'll send one when I have definite good news and otherwise go back to phone calls.
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Old 01-12-2019, 08:18 AM
 
1,264 posts, read 1,140,387 times
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I'm so sorry you have to deal with BCa. I'm a 19-year survivor at the end of this month (I was 53 at the time of diagnosis) and can well remember the horror I felt when I heard those words from the doctor. My mom also had BCa when she was 72 and lived until 88 without any problems. So all is not lost. I hope this is a blip on the radar of your life and that you'll move through procedures and follow-up with no further issues.

Regarding your sister . . . I have a cousin who had a similar attitude. I chalked it up to being terrified of the very word "cancer" and what it implies to her. I know that sounds simplistic but some people come across as cavalier at the most inappropriate times. I hope she'll be there for you when it counts.

Best wishes to you as you navigate the unknown. I'll be thinking of you and sending healing vibes your way.
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Old 01-12-2019, 08:31 AM
 
Location: Williamsburg, VA
3,551 posts, read 1,739,340 times
Reputation: 10224
Quote:
Originally Posted by movinon View Post
I know that sounds simplistic but some people come across as cavalier at the most inappropriate times. I hope she'll be there for you when it counts.

Yes, I think you're right. Fear can make you do weird things, and acting strangely cavalier can happen to anyone.

When we were talking about how she thought it might be a joke, we had this strange little side topic about how I'm "too serious and need to loosen up". Like this was how she thought I'd beat cancer, with humor and trying to have a more "in your face" attitude.

So for about half an hour yesterday, I tried some suggestions she gave me. I even posted on the POC forum! LOL that was a disaster! I clearly don't belong posting there, and my attempt at being "loose" and "humorous" totally failed.

That's ok, she meant well. And you know what, I was glad I tried and glad to get out of there and back where I belong, too. Guess I'll never be an "in your face" kind of person. As Popeye says "I yam what I yam."
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Old 01-12-2019, 02:04 PM
 
7,422 posts, read 1,640,056 times
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Piney Creek --

My sister, "Sue", was diagnosed with colon cancer about 18 months ago, and I did NOT know what to say to her because we have never been close, EVER. We don't dislike each other, but she is seven years younger than I am, and I moved out of my parents' home when I was 18 and out of state when I was 19, and I basically didn't have much to do with my family since then except by staying in touch with my youngest sister, who has turned out to be the family communicator. (Btw, the three of us sister live in different states -- Florida, Colorado, and California.) Sue did live with me and my ex for three years starting when she was 17, after my parents kicked her out for her "rebelliousness", but it ended badly (she became "involved" with my ex, which was one of the reason that we divorced.) Anyway, my ex was a womanizer, anyway, and he was 27 and she was 20 when "it" happened (almost 40 years ago), and since I have not been been happily married to my current husband for over 30 years since then, so -- as weird as this is -- I basically 'shrugged it off' in a very short time as far as harboring bad feelings toward her because I actually blamed my ex more than I did my sister.

ANYWAY, when I got the news 18 months ago that Sue had cancer, I emailed her saying that she was in my thoughts and that I hoped everything would turn out well for her, and she responded with a "thank you", but since then, we have talked just twice -- about ten minutes each time -- and have exchanged birthday and Christmas cards (which we didn't do before very often).

So, the only thing I can say to you, Piney, is that if people aren't close to begin with, something like this (a cancer diagnosis) will not necessarily make two people closer than they were before.

Also, Piney, you have my very best wishes, and I certainly hope all goes well with your surgery and afterward!
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Old 01-12-2019, 09:29 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
20,304 posts, read 19,285,182 times
Reputation: 34700
Piney, what other people said about the age difference and you being older--that could be part of it. But I still don't quite get it as that is such an odd thing to say. Maybe it was said more out of fear too.

For example, I am the oldest, the most serious, the most responsible. The youngest sister is still more like the baby, the cute one, the irresponsible one. When I had bc about 17 years ago, I asked her if she could come and stay with me for a few days after my surgery. Her answer: "Well, I have a Girl Scout leaders meeting so can't you postpone the surgery?"

(Nope. I am not going to even try to get my surgeon to postpone the surgery--sheesh.) But I think her attitude back then was that I was the oldest and I had always taken care of everyone else. She wasn't the one who takes care of people. Well, now, she is divorced and on her own and sees what it's like to have to face things on your own and I think her attitude would be better now.

Your attitude sounds good--just stay positive. You will be okay. You didn't do anything wrong either; it's something funny with your sister, that's all.
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my posts as moderator will be in red. Moderator: Health&Wellness~Genealogy. The Rules--read here>>> TOS. If someone attacks you, do not reply. Hit REPORT.
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Old 01-12-2019, 11:11 PM
 
10,849 posts, read 8,193,902 times
Reputation: 17170
This brings back memories of when my mom's husband (my stepdad) died and her sister subsequently said, according to my mom, the wrong words, and then everything went wonky.
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Old 01-13-2019, 06:01 AM
 
Location: Central NY
4,865 posts, read 3,374,876 times
Reputation: 12614
An old memory. When I was dealing with my bc situation, I knew a woman who absolutely positively wanted to help me, take me to the surgery center, stay till it was done, and take me home afterwards. Well as I mentioned earlier I came down with the flu and surgery had to wait till I was better. So I got better and surgery was scheduled. When I told the "friend" who wanted to help me she told me that was the day our basketball team was playing an important game and she had tickets. So she said she would take me to the surgery but give me money for a taxi.

I asked another friend to help me out with rides and told the other woman who was angry with me for doing that. Sometimes you just can't win.
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Old 01-14-2019, 08:28 AM
 
Location: Western Colorado
11,196 posts, read 12,670,225 times
Reputation: 26568
So a horse walks into a saloon, the bartender looks at him and says, "why the long face?"
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Old 01-15-2019, 03:57 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque NM
1,693 posts, read 1,566,928 times
Reputation: 3711
Oops! When I filled out my retirement paperwork, I designated they withdraw from my pension X for federal tax and Y for state tax. Guess the Y never got processed. I paid no state tax this year.
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