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Old 07-28-2014, 08:02 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,633,970 times
Reputation: 22439

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Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
Ani, I seriously am going to suggest Xanax...whether it should be for him or for you, I'm not sure.
Him is better , since it may prevent you from needing it and the consequences of his need to do things, if a doctor OK's it but, you as a last resort, just so those consequences are easier to bear.
Yes, in all seriousness, I think this is a valid suggestion as far as helping me cope (my taking it). He is already taking a very low dose 2 x a day. Obviously, it is not working (or he is not taking it regularly, which I am thinking is what is going on). He will not discuss meds with me and goes into a rage if I attempt to "oversee" his meds so . . . who knows.

I got through the weekend. Have work to finish up this morning for a client. I vascillate between giving up on the house (doing the things that need to be done to "max out" the house) as opposed to just saying "screw it" - sell it and if we take a hit, so what. But my "internal guidance system" is saying . . . stay the course, stay calm, get through this -- you have gotten through worse. And I have. I am indomitable. Implacable when on a mission. Patient beyond what most people can endure. Stoic. Immoveable in the face of dire hardship. It's that Taurus ascendant.

I have my eye on the goal. I comfort myself with envisioning how things will be by Thanksgiving. This is how I have gotten through every major event in my life, since a child. I envision how I am going to be living at x point, and by golly, it always works out that way, b/c I make it work out that way. Of course, I only have control over my actions and what I can put into place. And there are unforeseen obstacles and events that can throw a monkey wrench into the best laid plans. But no one can steal the real estate in my head, you know what I mean? Those things I have outlined that I am going to do, or am putting in place -- those are MY THINGS. Like . . . getting a studio space. Reconnecting with old friends. Getting out and walking on the golf course in the evenings. Starting a new blog.

I learned at a very tender age that people can attempt to make me miserable or shake my confidence or take away my dreams. In the end, no one can shackle my spirit.

I will admit, though . . . with being so very tired and somewhat overwhelmed right now . . . this has been a tough period . . . and it is very disheartening to have someone else who was at one time a good partner be more of an impediment than a positive in my life. Hubby has always been into his own self actualization and I have worked my goals in around his. So part of this is my own fault, in the sense that I have always been on the frontline taking care of his life but my needs and goals have always been at the bottom of the list. Part of that was a coping mechanism on my part; part of it was my natural tendency to cosign my partner's goals.

In any case, I am assessing things. And it seems to have helped that I told Hubby the next time I call 911, it is going to be for him to get a mental health assessment, not to take him to the Emergency Room. That caught his attention. I meant it. He knows I meant it.

 
Old 07-28-2014, 08:17 AM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,977 posts, read 7,473,925 times
Reputation: 16359
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Yes, in all seriousness, I think this is a valid suggestion as far as helping me cope (my taking it). He is already taking a very low dose 2 x a day. Obviously, it is not working (or he is not taking it regularly, which I am thinking is what is going on). He will not discuss meds with me and goes into a rage if I attempt to "oversee" his meds so . . . who knows.

I got through the weekend. Have work to finish up this morning for a client. I vascillate between giving up on the house (doing the things that need to be done to "max out" the house) as opposed to just saying "screw it" - sell it and if we take a hit, so what. But my "internal guidance system" is saying . . . stay the course, stay calm, get through this -- you have gotten through worse. And I have. I am indomitable. Implacable when on a mission. Patient beyond what most people can endure. Stoic. Immoveable in the face of dire hardship. It's that Taurus ascendant.

I have my eye on the goal. I comfort myself with envisioning how things will be by Thanksgiving. This is how I have gotten through every major event in my life, since a child. I envision how I am going to be living at x point, and by golly, it always works out that way, b/c I make it work out that way. Of course, I only have control over my actions and what I can put into place. And there are unforeseen obstacles and events that can throw a monkey wrench into the best laid plans. But no one can steal the real estate in my head, you know what I mean? Those things I have outlined that I am going to do, or am putting in place -- those are MY THINGS. Like . . . getting a studio space. Reconnecting with old friends. Getting out and walking on the golf course in the evenings. Starting a new blog.

I learned at a very tender age that people can attempt to make me miserable or shake my confidence or take away my dreams. In the end, no one can shackle my spirit.

I will admit, though . . . with being so very tired and somewhat overwhelmed right now . . . this has been a tough period . . . and it is very disheartening to have someone else who was at one time a good partner be more of an impediment than a positive in my life. Hubby has always been into his own self actualization and I have worked my goals in around his. So part of this is my own fault, in the sense that I have always been on the frontline taking care of his life but my needs and goals have always been at the bottom of the list. Part of that was a coping mechanism on my part; part of it was my natural tendency to cosign my partner's goals.

In any case, I am assessing things. And it seems to have helped that I told Hubby the next time I call 911, it is going to be for him to get a mental health assessment, not to take him to the Emergency Room. That caught his attention. I meant it. He knows I meant it.
Bravo - our little pit bull is back!!!!!

Last edited by Umbria; 07-28-2014 at 09:27 AM..
 
Old 07-28-2014, 09:05 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 19,171,694 times
Reputation: 15656
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post

I will admit, though . . . with being so very tired and somewhat overwhelmed right now . . . this has been a tough period . . . and it is very disheartening to have someone else who was at one time a good partner be more of an impediment than a positive in my life. Hubby has always been into his own self actualization and I have worked my goals in around his. So part of this is my own fault, in the sense that I have always been on the frontline taking care of his life but my needs and goals have always been at the bottom of the list. Part of that was a coping mechanism on my part; part of it was my natural tendency to cosign my partner's goals.

In any case, I am assessing things. And it seems to have helped that I told Hubby the next time I call 911, it is going to be for him to get a mental health assessment, not to take him to the Emergency Room. That caught his attention. I meant it. He knows I meant it.
I know I read somewhere that when one is seriously ill, there is often a feeling of no control over one's own body so the control thing is transferred to another, perhaps a spouse (easy target)...a way to order things, see the results of actions (even if they are impeding the other) and also, creativity.

He needs an outlet. Perhaps get him a nice big pad of good paper and a simple watercolor set (not in the tubes, but the kind with big circles of colors like for kids). Leave it where he has his coffee every day. Ask him to paint scenes from imagination or from photos of places you've traveled. He may get into it, who knows. Worth a try.
 
Old 07-28-2014, 09:09 AM
 
4,544 posts, read 4,826,540 times
Reputation: 10146
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Yes, in all seriousness, I think this is a valid suggestion as far as helping me cope (my taking it). He is already taking a very low dose 2 x a day. Obviously, it is not working (or he is not taking it regularly, which I am thinking is what is going on). He will not discuss meds with me and goes into a rage if I attempt to "oversee" his meds so . . . who knows.

I got through the weekend. Have work to finish up this morning for a client. I vascillate between giving up on the house (doing the things that need to be done to "max out" the house) as opposed to just saying "screw it" - sell it and if we take a hit, so what. But my "internal guidance system" is saying . . . stay the course, stay calm, get through this -- you have gotten through worse. And I have. I am indomitable. Implacable when on a mission. Patient beyond what most people can endure. Stoic. Immoveable in the face of dire hardship. It's that Taurus ascendant.

I have my eye on the goal. I comfort myself with envisioning how things will be by Thanksgiving. This is how I have gotten through every major event in my life, since a child. I envision how I am going to be living at x point, and by golly, it always works out that way, b/c I make it work out that way. Of course, I only have control over my actions and what I can put into place. And there are unforeseen obstacles and events that can throw a monkey wrench into the best laid plans. But no one can steal the real estate in my head, you know what I mean? Those things I have outlined that I am going to do, or am putting in place -- those are MY THINGS. Like . . . getting a studio space. Reconnecting with old friends. Getting out and walking on the golf course in the evenings. Starting a new blog.

I learned at a very tender age that people can attempt to make me miserable or shake my confidence or take away my dreams. In the end, no one can shackle my spirit.

I will admit, though . . . with being so very tired and somewhat overwhelmed right now . . . this has been a tough period . . . and it is very disheartening to have someone else who was at one time a good partner be more of an impediment than a positive in my life. Hubby has always been into his own self actualization and I have worked my goals in around his. So part of this is my own fault, in the sense that I have always been on the frontline taking care of his life but my needs and goals have always been at the bottom of the list. Part of that was a coping mechanism on my part; part of it was my natural tendency to cosign my partner's goals.

In any case, I am assessing things. And it seems to have helped that I told Hubby the next time I call 911, it is going to be for him to get a mental health assessment, not to take him to the Emergency Room. That caught his attention. I meant it. He knows I meant it.



Well, you obviously have done a lot thinking about this situation after so many years but truly, co-dependency is a real bi1ch. And please, next time, although no one should have to live with "a next time"... you really need to call 911. If he has done this in the past, why not then?
Anyway, as I've said we all have our tolerances for whatever conscious or unconscious reasons. But then again, you know exactly what you are doing.
 
Old 07-28-2014, 09:54 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,633,970 times
Reputation: 22439
Quote:
Originally Posted by Umbria View Post
Bravo - our little pit bull is back!!!!!
Bless you, Umbria! Yes, I am doing just fine today. Needed to vent, and needed to step back this weekend and really assess the whole picture.

Got my client work finished (just a few final touches needed this morning) and it has been approved! Woot! Billable hours!!! lololol

And hubby was in a very good frame of mind this morning. So he is out and about running errands. Thank God he can drive now.

He has lost over 30 pounds and so needs a new wardrobe. This seems to have cheered him up immensely. He is out hunting and gathering and checking out T.J. Maxx, Marshalls, etc. A few new pairs of pants, and a new sports coat and I think the man will feel he has a new lease on life. It is great to see him excited about his life.
 
Old 07-28-2014, 10:00 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,633,970 times
Reputation: 22439
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
I know I read somewhere that when one is seriously ill, there is often a feeling of no control over one's own body so the control thing is transferred to another, perhaps a spouse (easy target)...a way to order things, see the results of actions (even if they are impeding the other) and also, creativity.

He needs an outlet. Perhaps get him a nice big pad of good paper and a simple watercolor set (not in the tubes, but the kind with big circles of colors like for kids). Leave it where he has his coffee every day. Ask him to paint scenes from imagination or from photos of places you've traveled. He may get into it, who knows. Worth a try.
Yes, creativity helps. I have showed him all the art supplies, and offered to help get him started (or let him explore) if he is interested. He is not interested.

I have also handed over my Nikon but again, he is not interested.

Buying some new clothes and celebrating that he no longer has a belly seems to be the most exciting thing to him right now. He was never "overweight" as far as "fat" - he just appeared overweight b/c of his huge belly (retaining fluid b/c of heart failure). So he is very very excited that he now looks like "himself" again. He looks great! Color back in face - he had gotten rather ashen and his eyes were sunken in. He looked like a very ill man. He doesn't any longer. He will start PT in August.

I think getting out with folks (he can't abide being indoors for much more than a matter of hours at a time) is going to help his outlook and demeanor. Eventually, he can get out and piddle in the yard, and that will help, too.
 
Old 07-28-2014, 10:08 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,633,970 times
Reputation: 22439
Quote:
Originally Posted by brava4 View Post
Well, you obviously have done a lot thinking about this situation after so many years but truly, co-dependency is a real bi1ch. And please, next time, although no one should have to live with "a next time"... you really need to call 911. If he has done this in the past, why not then?
Anyway, as I've said we all have our tolerances for whatever conscious or unconscious reasons. But then again, you know exactly what you are doing.
Thank you for the validation. It means a lot to me.

Yes, I always thought of our relationship as being interdependent, not codependent, but I have had to step back and reconsider all that.

You are so right . . . we all have our reasons, even if we are not consciously aware of what they are.

I am learning - and Hubby is a highly intelligent man - he will get the pieces put together, eventually. Life is a journey and the journey is all about self-awareness.
 
Old 07-28-2014, 10:45 AM
 
Location: too far from the sea
20,328 posts, read 19,311,428 times
Reputation: 34750
Ani, you've had so much happen in such a short amount of time and you're still on your feet. So that alone is fantastic.

For a while it didn't even look like you would have a husband left at all, then you did! Then you get slammed with this unexpected healing crisis of his and you have somehow coped and it looks as though he may be figuring out his new life and you may finally get some relief.

Throughout it all you were the captain of your own ship, you stayed the course, and you survived. Who knows? There may still be little setbacks (you know how things seldom go straight uphill, the path can still have its ups and downs) but you are still on the right path and those of us who have followed your saga are cheering you on. Well done! Hang in there.
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Old 07-28-2014, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,977 posts, read 7,473,925 times
Reputation: 16359
Default Break time~~~~

I've been outside and have Kenny G playing on my Bose. There are a couple cardinals in the tree chirping away to Kenny. Too cute
 
Old 07-28-2014, 04:24 PM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,612 posts, read 8,427,479 times
Reputation: 7530
A better day had by all, YAY!!!!!!!!!
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