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Old 09-27-2011, 12:58 PM
 
7,341 posts, read 16,660,022 times
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Don't care what you say either. My daughter and I are doing just fine now......
"Thank you very much!!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by bouncethelight View Post
I find it absolutely astounding that a father who didn't care enough about his toddler daughter to track her down, and stay in her life, is actually complaining about the fact that she curses and uses slang words?

LoveBoating, you're lucky that your daughter wants you in her life at all - who cares what the terms are? You're lucky! But it sounds like you don't appreciate it at all, and are in fact hell-bent on screwing it up. I wish you luck.
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Old 09-27-2011, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,997,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating View Post
Don't care what you say either. My daughter and I are doing just fine now......
"Thank you very much!!"
It's amazing how fast the situation got corrected. I commend you.
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Old 09-27-2011, 02:52 PM
 
Location: Simmering in DFW
6,948 posts, read 19,487,644 times
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It was my understanding the OP requested the thread be closed because he was experiencing discomfort over other posters' responses to him. Why oh why open it up again except for a need to stir the pot or to send an "up-yours" message???
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Old 09-27-2011, 02:58 PM
GLS
 
1,985 posts, read 4,850,035 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maf763 View Post
This was her reaching out to you and you shot her down. Her reply was likely a defense to hide her hurt.
Your post is probably one of the most perceptive on this entire thread.

As a caveat for those of you who will jump on me for being insensitive, Yes, I have read every post in this thread, although I have to admit, it has sucked the energy out of me. Basically, I started reading with some empathy and ended with a depression for the opportunities missed. The OP has an extremely complex situation, somewhat of his own making, and appears unable to set aside his own personal demands and emotions enough to advance some progress that is already being made. As one example I submit the following:

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating View Post
Don't care what you say either. My daughter and I are doing just fine now......
"Thank you very much!!"
Take this as a rhetorical question LB, "Is this really an honest statement?"
Do you really think you and your daughter are doing "fine now"? ......and even though you may not care what another poster says, which is "fine", are the three emoticons sticking their tongue out indicative of the immaturity with which you approach communication with your daughter?
Caution, here comes one of my judgmental statements: If you can't rise above the anger, hurt, and disapproval emotions you feel, can you really expect your daughter to be "the adult in the room?".

Maybe
your daughter feels abandonment every time you try to communicate. Maybe she is afraid of trusting any man because the first one she knew (her father) left her.Those failed relationships she has that bother you may be founded in her lack of understanding of what happened in the divorce. Maybe she feels inappropriate guilt that she was somehow at fault. Maybe your daughter HATES her life because she is unfairly stuck with an ADHD child. Maybe your daughter has trouble coping because she has ADHD also.

OK, before you misinterpret anything I have said above, I am NOT looking to fix blame on you anymore than I am defending your daughter's actions.
I am only trying to illustrate for you how much damage your daughter is feeling, which means she has this mountain of emotions to climb every time she even begins to communicate with you.
If you keep this in mind, it shows you how much work you have to do to begin repairing the relationship.Based on this, here is my answer to one of your previous questions:

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating View Post
Now, before anyone says I'm being judgemental again, just what would a therapist say to her in a session.......
My experience is that a therapist wouldn't say anything to her. A good therapist would LISTEN....for a very long time. And when it is finally time to SAY anything, the therapist would gently try to get the client to reflect upon her feelings about her choices. Therapists do NOT offer "parental advice", especially ANY comment that has even a whiff of condemnation.

Curmudgeon
repeatedly offers the very valid option of removing yourself from the cycle of exposing yourself to disappointment. There is nothing wrong with making that choice if you want to. However, if you do choose to do the considerable work to repair your daughter's angst, you will at least have to try to communicate like a therapist, not as a protective parent.

Finally, let me transition to the positive:

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating View Post
I/we do appreciate all the comments we have gotten, even the "I have to be very honest/truthful" ones.
Some of you have said that I have no relationship with my daughter, that isn't true. What is true is that we don't have that much of a relationship. She has talked to me in the Chat area of Facebook and signed off saying "I love you......xoxo" and I said "we love you to xoxoxo!" She called me "dad" a few times last year in e-mails she sent to me, but doesn't call me "dad" anymore and I have accepted that. We still communicate on Facebook, so that is some kind of relationship! When I asked her to be my "friend" again a few months ago, she didn't have to "accept, but did. We can tell, she wants a relationship with us, but ONLY under her terms......which ultimately we have to accept or not have her and grandson in our lives at all. I made a comment about a pic on FB of her son fishing and said "I love a boy using a fishing rod/reel." She said, "I hope so, that's your grandson."
She loves boating b/c a former boyfriend had a small boat that they, including her son, use to go fishing on. She knows we have a 20' power boat and love it. I told her in FB "sometime you and ____ should come here and go out with us." She said, "perhaps you two could take a cruise here on it" and I told her "sorry, the boats not big enough to go that far." She said, "that's ok, I was only kidding. Some time we will drive down there".
So, folks, thru these statements, her and us DO have some kind of relationship going on! Also, back in 1999 and 2000, she sent me numerous pics of her growing up and pics of her wedding in 2000......I still have them.
Bottom line is, we won't let her and grandson go completely, unless absolutely necessaryThank you again for all your comments.
I hope you will re-read your post for the unbelievable positive possibilities that lie between the lines. She actually put in writing, "I love you..."?
She conquered all her negative feelings at several points to call you "Dad"? She agreed to "friend" you, and you protest that it is ONLY on her terms? She sent you pictures of her growing up and of her wedding, one of the most important events in her life?

Jesus man! She is making multiple gestures, albeit subliminal to make you a part of her life. She is just scared to death of being hurt again, and needs you to approach her slowly and without conditions.
She is silently screaming out for you to CAREFULLY make the first move.


So as bad as things may seem, you are WAY better off than some. Do you want to trade situations? I divorced when my daughter was 18 months. It was a very volatile break, with my ex being vindictive, and spending every waking moment poisoning my daughter's memory of me. My ex moved them 2000 miles away so it was almost impossible to visit. When I moved close, my ex sabotaged attempts at visitation. My daughter turns 40 this year. It took me 25 years to get her to return any communication. I never gave up sending simple birthday cards, etc. My daughter now has 3 kids that I have never seen. She has softened enough to send me pictures of them once a year. I continue to wish her well with no expectations or restrictions. I never say a negative word about her behavior or especially about my ex.

I doubt she will ever call me "dad". I doubt she will ever end a communication with, "I love you". I am honest with myself in that I don't think I would be willing to step into her life after all these years, not that she would tolerate it. In short, although the "relationship" has improved slightly over the past few years, it will never be fully repaired. That is ok.
I accept things for what they are, but keep some slight optimism that any improvement is welcome. My daughter is now going through her own messy divorce, and I have let her know simply that I am here to talk if that helps her.

I hope sharing this with you gives you some perspective. I think your are situation is several positive steps ahead of mine. If you decide not to try to advance your relationship, I hope you accept your decision without tormenting yourself. If you do decide to take on the huge amount of work it will take to rebuild some of the bridge, I hope you adopt some of the techniques it takes in a client-therapist relationship. Pardon the analogy, but your daughter is like a wounded animal. If you are going to hold out a hand encouraging her to trust you, you can't be hiding a weapon of disapproval in the other hand behind you. Good luck.

Last edited by GLS; 09-27-2011 at 02:59 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 09-27-2011, 03:28 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,997,544 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by Squirl View Post
It was my understanding the OP requested the thread be closed because he was experiencing discomfort over other posters' responses to him. Why oh why open it up again except for a need to stir the pot or to send an "up-yours" message???
I feel, and perhaps others do, that we spent time responding to the OP's plight (and it did sound pretty serious, asking for help), and he just flipped off a lot of well-meaning advice and feedback. This seems to happen a lot, that when an OP doesn't like the responses they become defensive rather than ignoring the posts they don't like. To be suddenly told "it's all fixed" when people have invested their good time on this feels discomforting, too.

This is a good example of why I said several posts back that it's probably a better idea not to post specific personal info, because as it's a public forum, there will be all kinds of responses that the OP cannot control or approve of. If he had simply asked "Do any of you dads have a relationship problem with your daughter, and if so how are you dealing with it" instead of waffling all over the place with a personal story, it might have been easier to keep things unpersonal and allow the OP to take what he wants and ignore the rest.

Nothing was meant as "up yours." My comment above means "thanks for having us waste our time on this." He didn't mean to have it be that way, I'm sure....he just made himself vulnerable by posting a very controversial situation that was sure to draw a very wide range of responses. He took offense at many that seemed to be well-meaning.

I'm sure many of us parents can relate, and that's why we took the time.
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Old 09-27-2011, 06:10 PM
 
Location: Lexington, SC
4,281 posts, read 10,749,775 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Squirl View Post
It was my understanding the OP requested the thread be closed because he was experiencing discomfort over other posters' responses to him. Why oh why open it up again except for a need to stir the pot or to send an "up-yours" message???
You nailed it.

Me thinks he is a controller thus he needs the last word as in controlling and/or up yours.
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Old 09-27-2011, 09:11 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,997,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by accufitgolf View Post
You nailed it.

Me thinks he is a controller thus he needs the last word as in controlling and/or up yours.
Based on your post here now I'm wondering if I read Squirl's post right...who is doing the up-yours?

At any rate, it is my understanding of CD functions that it is a moderator who closes a thread, so the OP may want to request it.
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Old 09-28-2011, 07:31 AM
 
7,341 posts, read 16,660,022 times
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Ok, here is the situation:
Last night we talked for a very short period of time on Facebook's "chat" area. I said "hi" and she replied "hi". I asked her what she was up to and she said she was getting ready to go out on a date. I asked her how her son/our grandson was and she told me she just put him to bed. We said a couple of other things to each other and at the end I said "we love you and *** (our grandson)" and she said "love ya'll too".

So, our relationship isn't as "up to par" as I would like it too be, but from reading a number of posting in this thread and listening to what my wife tells me, I'm just going to be HAPPY with what I have with her right now! No "controlling" type thing going on at all.

I sent her an e-mail with our phone number and address in it. If she wants to call, that's entirely up to her.......she has the info and that's all we can do. She hasn't/won't give us her phone number or address, so when it comes to Thanksgiving and Christmas time we will send her and grandson a card thru her e-mail.

Perhaps next summer her and our grandson will come down her to visit us and go out on our boat. We wouldn't have a problem with that, if she wanted to do that. She has already hinted at that and I told her fine. An ex-boyfriend had a small fishing boat (Jon Boat) that her and her son went out on and had fun. We have a 20' Cuddy Cabin with a 350 engine......much bigger/faster than a "Jon Boat". I have not asked her and she has not mentioned about us coming up to where she lives for a visit. Since her friends and mom/stepdad are there, that could create a problem (in her mind that is).
For now, wife and I are just happy with what we have. Have to go by that old saying "can take a horse to water, but can't make it drink". We have put ourselves "out there", the rest is up to her!
Thanks to all of you for your responses.
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Old 09-28-2011, 11:36 AM
GLS
 
1,985 posts, read 4,850,035 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating View Post
Ok, here is the situation:
Last night we talked for a very short period of time on Facebook's "chat" area. I said "hi" and she replied "hi". I asked her what she was up to and she said she was getting ready to go out on a date. I asked her how her son/our grandson was and she told me she just put him to bed. We said a couple of other things to each other and at the end I said "we love you and *** (our grandson)" and she said "love ya'll too".

So, our relationship isn't as "up to par" as I would like it too be, but from reading a number of posting in this thread and listening to what my wife tells me, I'm just going to be HAPPY with what I have with her right now! No "controlling" type thing going on at all.

I sent her an e-mail with our phone number and address in it. If she wants to call, that's entirely up to her.......she has the info and that's all we can do. She hasn't/won't give us her phone number or address, so when it comes to Thanksgiving and Christmas time we will send her and grandson a card thru her e-mail.

Perhaps next summer her and our grandson will come down her to visit us and go out on our boat. We wouldn't have a problem with that, if she wanted to do that. She has already hinted at that and I told her fine. An ex-boyfriend had a small fishing boat (Jon Boat) that her and her son went out on and had fun. We have a 20' Cuddy Cabin with a 350 engine......much bigger/faster than a "Jon Boat". I have not asked her and she has not mentioned about us coming up to where she lives for a visit. Since her friends and mom/stepdad are there, that could create a problem (in her mind that is).
For now, wife and I are just happy with what we have. Have to go by that old saying "can take a horse to water, but can't make it drink". We have put ourselves "out there", the rest is up to her!
Thanks to all of you for your responses.
Your last post is very encouraging. It appears you have achieved an interim "resolution" by taking a positive step on a very long and difficult road. Realistically, you can expect your daughter to continue with behaviors that will frustrate you and try your patience. If you print-out your last post, it may help you to re-read it whenever she engages in self-destructive behaviors that you can't save her from.

Permit me one last comment, since I share ownership in the same problem.
I believe that your best hope is to somehow get your daughter to allow you to spend an afternoon with your grandson fishing. I am not sure how you will work out the details on this, because you will have to gently overcome your daughter's paranoia. Expect plenty of "unreasonable" rules and "conditions". However, your last post shows you are capable of enduring some aggravation in order to succeed.

When you do get her to open the door of trust just a crack, remember the afternoon is NOT about the boat. It is not even about fishing. If you spend a few hours with your grandson, and BOTH of you enjoy it, you are well on the way to rebuilding your relationship with your daughter. Consider that your grandson is probably the only male in this world that she really trusts right now. Consider also, that if he comes home and that without any pressure, probing questions, etc. he has simply enjoyed his time with you, he will be a sincere messenger of your feelings. Depending upon his age, he may spontaneously, of his own volition say something like, "Grandad is a pretty good guy", or even, "I think Grandad loves us".

Perhaps it is my "pipe-dream" for you, but if any of the above doesn't actually come to fruition, you are at least on the road to doing better than I did. Good luck for your daughter's sake, for the health of your grandson, and for future satisfaction in your own life.
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Old 09-28-2011, 12:36 PM
 
7,341 posts, read 16,660,022 times
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I don't see how a "fishing trip" could happen as we live three states from them, they don't have a boat and we can't take ours to where they are. Actually, if a fishing trip was ever to happen, it would be me, my wife, our daughter and the grandson.
Our grandson does have a "male" figure in his life.......his grandfather/my ex's husband. Don't know how much interaction they have, but he lives on the same property.
Anyway, yes, I changed a number of feelings that I had when I first done this thread AND darn glad I have!
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