Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Now, before anyone says I'm being judgemental again, just what would a therapist say to her in a session.......quite possibly the same thing. A happily married female friend w/kids could also tell her the same thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating
As for us, we can only "think" of reasons why my daughter has had so many problems with men dealing with relationships. And, those "thoughts" can only come from what she writes on Facebook. She also has written how much she likes to party/drink and go out on the weekends with girlfriends, when they can, but that type of behavior really doesn't necessarily go hand-in-hand with motherhood (IMO that is). Sure, have a night out with girlfriends, but her comments can go much further than that! Last year she had a nice boyfriend that she talked nicely about and had pics of herself, son and him on Facebook in his boat fishing. She seemed very happy and then things went south and the relationship ended. She mentioned something about him cheating. Like I said in an early statement, she says she loves being single, but? A lot of people have different ways of covering up hurt/anger.
Now, before anyone says I'm being judgemental again, just what would a therapist say to her in a session.......quite possibly the same thing. A happily married female friend w/kids could also tell her the same thing.
But you're not her therapist. You're her father. Don't blur the roles.
Why do you seem to insist on taking this all on yourself? You really need to face the reality that you're not in control here, and you aren't.
But you do have the absolute right to drive yourself crazy over it which you seem intent on doing. I suggest an enjoyable hobby instead!
I know/we know we're not in control, but can't people VENT some? I just have a high "curiousity" mind about me and apparently some people don't like that kind of personality trait. I just that God that my wife isn't one of them!
Don't sometimes parents have to be therapists in one respect or another? Is "curiousity" or "wondering" about something "driving yourself crazy" of which I'm not doing.......I'm just writing comments in my thread in this forum!
And, by the way, who needs a hobby when I've got stuff like this to think about......just kidding! Couldn't help myself from saying that. I love humor!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon
But you're not her therapist. You're her father. Don't blur the roles.
Why do you seem to insist on taking this all on yourself? You really need to face the reality that you're not in control here, and you aren't.
But you do have the absolute right to drive yourself crazy over it which you seem intent on doing. I suggest an enjoyable hobby instead!
I think all you can do is give your relationship time to heal
I am your age and I agree that some of the language used by younger people is shocking. But it should not keep us from trying to communicate with them.
I do not presume to know how you feel, having been estranged and separated from your daughter for so long, as I have a good relationship with my son and daughter in law. I do not agree with the posters who say that you are not her "father" because you were not there for her all those years-and that you should just leave her be.
From what I can tell from you posts is that you had no way to contact her or be with her because her mother basically took her away, by moving around and not updating you on addresses. That is her fault and not yours. I know that you must still have love for your daughter or you would not be distressed by her language or lifestyle.
I am on facebook, and have fb friends who are my nieces and nephews and some of my kids friends--yes they use "bad language" and show lots of photos of partying, as well as complain, and blame people on line for things that seem very inappropriate to us.
I see that you have used instant messenger with her--do you know that there is also a way to private message her on facebook so that you don't have to wait for her to get around to checking her emails?? It is near the top of the page of news feed--click on the symbol to the left of the globe that is on the same line as the word facebook at the top--
Maybe you could ask her to post more photos of your grandson. Also just because she is "partying" so much does not necessarily mean that she is neglecting him. If she is having him be cared for by your ex maybe he is getting very good care. (or not) She does have him in a private school so she is being responsible in that way.. she put a photo up of him fishing so she does spend fun time with him. Please for your own peace of mind try to think positive about it.
Maybe you could compliment her on posts that are positive, or put like on photos that show behavior of which you approve. Positive reinforcement. For a while at least, try not to tell her what to do - or ask her personal questions, or financial questions. Adult children do not want their parents in their private affairs even if they are on close "good terms." They usually want to feel that they are competent independent adults. As much as you must really want to know more details of her and your grandson--try not to pry. Maybe you could tell her more about your life now and what you and your wife enjoy doing. Don't push her to come down, but let her know that you would love to see her anytime she would like, any where she would like.
Maybe her grandmother is a *****--there is no way to know what the dynamics of their relationship is --so as much as you abhor her language-it might be an area to avoid..
Time is your friend here--family becomes even more important as we age.. it probably will to her also.
I really hope that your realationship improves soon and that you can come to know her and her son better. I have 10 month old grandaughter, best feeling in the world --
Bascailly she is a adult;you have not been a part of her life for years ;so there is nothing you can do. Bascaily you loss the influence years when she was a minor. Your wife at least can object but still all she can do is kick her out.That is why divorced or not divorced there is a major difference between having a child and actaully rasing a child.Once they get to adulthood there is nothing you can really do.
She doesn't want to deal with you LB. You are an unwelcome in her life. Your posts detail the many ways that she has told you specifically to leave her alone.
There is no excuse under the sun for pursuing this and the police will see it that way too if they get involved.
~Not to say your pain or concern aren't real. But that's another issue and I am very sorry for your situation. However there is nothing to 'heal' here. There never was anything at all.
That is NOT what she wants! She has our phone number and address, unless she tossed it when she got mad and "unfriended" us on Facebook.
I doubt she woke up one day and out of the blue decided to "unfriend" you just to me mean. As this thread has gone on, I've seen lots of speculation on what your adult daughter does and why, accompanied with a healthy share of judgement, disappointment and displeasure. At no time have I seen any self-reflection, however. Maybe it's time you take a look at your own behavior and consider how this impacts the relationship. After all, that is all you can really control.
There is nothing you can do about the language she uses. I am also 62 and am Facebook friends with a couple of younger adults who pull at my heartstrings. My former stepdaughter lost her life in a traffic accident and left behind 2 children. About 3 years later, my husband (her father) died. My stepdaughter's children were in elementary school and I had been a "grandmother" to them. But, over the years those ties have loosened. I still have deep concern for the children of my former stepdaughter and have "friended" them on Facebook. They are in their early 20's and each is unmarried but has a child. Lots of partying, lots of profanity. I simply lurk and make very few comments. I care about them, I know they do not care about me. When I learned how fearful my "granddaughter" is leaving her waitress job at 2am to walk to her car, I sent her a device that looks like a cell phone but is a stun gun. When I learned my "grandson" had severe financial woes, I talked a friend into hiring him for a short term job (I paid). And sometimes when I find the profanity too disturbing, I "hide" them for a while. Really, that's all you can do.....
When a thread contains more than a couple of pages, a person reading the thread should try and read ALL of the OP's statements!
Your first statement below, SusqueHappy is very much untrue and by reading one of my later replies you'd see just that! True, she has "unfriended" us/me from her Facebook page earlier this year, but ACCEPTED/"FRIEND" us/me again and is currently talking to me thru comments I've made to her comments. That sure doesn't sound like she doesn't want me/us around!! She has sent me some e-mails, photos and said "luv you xoxo" to me in a chat area.
And, why on earth would the police get involved??????
You are VERY MUCH assuming things about my daughters feelings about me that are not true and I've already stated that in at least one of my postings!
Yep, just as I figured......the "good", the "bad" and the "ugly". Can't keep out the "ugly"! Oh well
Quote:
Originally Posted by SusqueHappy
She doesn't want to deal with you LB. You are an unwelcome in her life. Your posts detail the many ways that she has told you specifically to leave her alone.
There is no excuse under the sun for pursuing this and the police will see it that way too if they get involved.
~Not to say your pain or concern aren't real. But that's another issue and I am very sorry for your situation. However there is nothing to 'heal' here. There never was anything at all.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think all you can do is give your relationship time to heal
