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Old 09-14-2011, 08:14 AM
 
7,338 posts, read 16,632,543 times
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Hope this Thread doesn't end up in the Relationship Forum due to no one in that forum is in my age bracket!
I'm 62, retired (semi ?) and my daughter is 35 and her son is 11. Daughter and I have had an estranged relationship for many, many years due to the divorce of her mom and I back in the later 70's. We couldn't find or communicate with each other for some years. She has been thru quite a bit dealing with a very short-term marriage and spousal abuse. She has always lived on the same property with her mom. She is a good looking lady and her step-father calls her a "Hollywood girl" due to makeup she wears. I'd call it normal looking, but he likes the "country/farm" look, like my ex looks. Anyway, a little over a year ago, I found her on Facebook......had lost contact with her (didn't know where she had moved) after she left her husband in 2000. She was very shocked, but happy that I was on Facebook. Now, since being on Facebook, I've read her comments about how she likes to drink and party on some weekends with local girlfriends that are single/no kids. Her mom watches her son. She does do quite a bit with her son, but does like to party when she gets the chance! Reading about the drinking and partying didn't bother me nearly as much as some of the language/slang she uses on Facebook! My wife doesn't like it anymore than I do! And, some of her friends talk the same way on Facebook. To us, seems like she is a "child raising a child"! Because of something I said, she didn't like, she to us off of her Facebook page as a "friend" for a few months. I kept asking her to be a "friend" again and she finally did. So, gotta watch what kind of comments I make to her.
We don't live close at all and she isn't going to move her and visa versa. We given her our phone numbers and address, but she won't call or write.......only communication is on Facebook. We have never seen our grandson and it's been many years since I've seen my daughter, but that's where the "estranged" comes into view at. She quit her full-time job early this year to be with her son more. Her son has ADHD, on medication and in a private type school. Don't know where her finances are coming from.
Don't know what to do about her language/slang on Facebook.
Any suggestions......the "good", the "bad" and the "ugly" (well, not the "ugly" please).
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Old 09-14-2011, 08:26 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,463,318 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating View Post
Hope this Thread doesn't end up in the Relationship Forum due to no one in that forum is in my age bracket!
I'm 62, retired (semi ?) and my daughter is 35 and her son is 11. Daughter and I have had an estranged relationship for many, many years due to the divorce of her mom and I back in the later 70's. We couldn't find or communicate with each other for some years. She has been thru quite a bit dealing with a very short-term marriage and spousal abuse. She has always lived on the same property with her mom. She is a good looking lady and her step-father calls her a "Hollywood girl" due to makeup she wears. I'd call it normal looking, but he likes the "country/farm" look, like my ex looks. Anyway, a little over a year ago, I found her on Facebook......had lost contact with her (didn't know where she had moved) after she left her husband in 2000. She was very shocked, but happy that I was on Facebook. Now, since being on Facebook, I've read her comments about how she likes to drink and party on some weekends with local girlfriends that are single/no kids. Her mom watches her son. She does do quite a bit with her son, but does like to party when she gets the chance! Reading about the drinking and partying didn't bother me nearly as much as some of the language/slang she uses on Facebook! My wife doesn't like it anymore than I do! And, some of her friends talk the same way on Facebook. To us, seems like she is a "child raising a child"! Because of something I said, she didn't like, she to us off of her Facebook page as a "friend" for a few months. I kept asking her to be a "friend" again and she finally did. So, gotta watch what kind of comments I make to her.
We don't live close at all and she isn't going to move her and visa versa. We given her our phone numbers and address, but she won't call or write.......only communication is on Facebook. We have never seen our grandson and it's been many years since I've seen my daughter, but that's where the "estranged" comes into view at. She quit her full-time job early this year to be with her son more. Her son has ADHD, on medication and in a private type school. Don't know where her finances are coming from.
Don't know what to do about her language/slang on Facebook.
Any suggestions......the "good", the "bad" and the "ugly" (well, not the "ugly" please).
Well, that's certainly a choice but one I would make only in connection with a public venue; certainly not in private where I'd willingly speak my mind.

I have two sons and three daughters. Both my sons and their families have moved to the Midwest and we see them periodically and have good relationships.

All three of my daughters were estranged from me and alienated by their mother when I divorced her in 1994. They still bear the scars of that and it shows up in our communications, or lack thereof.

I was planning a trip back to see them in the coming Spring but have now decided against wasting the time and money in what I think would be a fruitless endeavor.

Call me a bad dad but I have no desire to visit those by whom I'm merely tolerated at best. What a waste of resources just to come away with hurt feelings. I have better things to do and more pleasant ways to spend my finite time.
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Old 09-14-2011, 08:46 AM
 
10,833 posts, read 14,836,702 times
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I curse, but only in the presence of people who are not offended.
I have an Uncle from up North, U.S.A. and he curses every other sentence.
But, he controls this when his grandkids and great grandkids are around, of course.

Hopefully your daughter is doing this, only on her Facebook page, and not in front of her son and his friends. If she is, maybe one of her son's friend's parents will confront her about it.

Good luck on this matter of importance.
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Old 09-14-2011, 09:26 AM
 
15,149 posts, read 19,741,426 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating View Post
I'm 62, retired (semi ?) and my daughter is 35 and her son is 11... Don't know where her finances are coming from.Don't know what to do about her language/slang on Facebook. Any suggestions....
I'm not sure what kind of suggestions you're requesting. There's nothing you can do about your daughter. She's an adult and you have no control over her finances or her language. It's very sad that she may be raising her son in that environment but, again, I dont know what you can do about it -- especially since your relationship with your daughter is on such shaky ground anyway.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. All I can suggest is that you keep your concerns to yourself -- and let your daughter know that your shoulder and your heart are always open to her.
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Old 09-14-2011, 09:34 AM
 
7,338 posts, read 16,632,543 times
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Wife and I have discussed this and feel the same way you do below! We would love to see both my daughter and the grandson, but have had high reservations about it. Guess some relationship situations are just left better to communication only, even if it is only online. I've asked for her phone number and address before to call and send her birthday/Christmas cards, but she has told me "not ready for that"........and that was last year she said that. I did call her a couple of times last year at work. She didn't realize that the clinic number was on the e-mail she sent me. She was pretty shocked to talk to me, but nice conversation. After she quit, that was it.....no more phone conversations.
She has had an absolute terrible time with boyfriends during the last year or so.....makes comments in Facebook about that. She meets a new guy and next thing we know, he's gone! She is completely single now, that we know of from Facebook, that is. She says she loves being single, but we think a little differently about it, concerning her statements.
I did send her an e-mail wondering about what she's doing about money and how and her son are doing. Also, told her how we are. She doesn't check her e-mail that much, so don't know when she will see it. Hope she doesn't "unfriend" us on Facebook for asking her questions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Well, that's certainly a choice but one I would make only in connection with a public venue; certainly not in private where I'd willingly speak my mind.

I have two sons and three daughters. Both my sons and their families have moved to the Midwest and we see them periodically and have good relationships.

All three of my daughters were estranged from me and alienated by their mother when I divorced her in 1994. They still bear the scars of that and it shows up in our communications, or lack thereof.

I was planning a trip back to see them in the coming Spring but have now decided against wasting the time and money in what I think would be a fruitless endeavor.

Call me a bad dad but I have no desire to visit those by whom I'm merely tolerated at best. What a waste of resources just to come away with hurt feelings. I have better things to do and more pleasant ways to spend my finite time
.
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Old 09-14-2011, 09:46 AM
 
7,338 posts, read 16,632,543 times
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Well, one thing I can't do is "keep concerns to myself" no matter what she thinks or does (unfriend us from Facebook). Just don't have that type of personality! Part of our "shaky ground" could very well be due to her asking her friends about me. Heck, as far as we (wife and I) know, her mom and stepdad don't even know that she communicates with me at all.
I told my SIL about the language/slang she is using on Facebook and SIL told me "you have to accept her for the way she is".......I said, "no I don't and won't!" We don't know where she is picking up this slang/language from, but do know that one of her "friends" on Facebook uses some awefully dirty slang. And now we are reading that her and some of her female friends call each other "bit**es"! Geeshhhhhhhh, the girl is 35 yrs old with a 11 yr old son, talkes this way online and ? and has friends that talk this way. Really, really got to wonder!

Quote:
Originally Posted by texasfirewheel View Post
I'm not sure what kind of suggestions you're requesting. There's nothing you can do about your daughter. She's an adult and you have no control over her finances or her language. It's very sad that she may be raising her son in that environment but, again, I dont know what you can do about it -- especially since your relationship with your daughter is on such shaky ground anyway.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. All I can suggest is that you keep your concerns to yourself -- and let your daughter know that your shoulder and your heart are always open to her.
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Old 09-14-2011, 09:49 AM
 
15,149 posts, read 19,741,426 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating View Post
I did send her an e-mail wondering about what she's doing about money
Are you prepared to help her out financially if she needs it? Because that's the only reason I can see for asking her "what she's doing about money".

I know you care about your daughter and you dont intend to intrude into her private life -- but I wonder if you havent asked her invasive questions or made judgmental comments in the past -- and perhaps that's why she's keeping you at arm's length.

Sometimes it's so hard to be the parent of an adult child. Good luck!
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Old 09-14-2011, 09:54 AM
 
15,149 posts, read 19,741,426 times
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We were posting at the same time, LoveBoating.

OK, now that I see how you feel about controlling an adult child, I understand that giving you advice is fruitless. I wish you well.
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Old 09-14-2011, 10:00 AM
 
Location: Florida
19,774 posts, read 19,875,860 times
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It would appear that you aren't very important to your daughter and I'll predict that if you annoy her too much you will be de-friended again.
And you'll never get to be any more important to her by criticizing her and prying into her life without invitation..
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Old 09-14-2011, 11:37 AM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,745 posts, read 4,213,572 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating View Post
<snip>I'm 62, retired (semi ?) and my daughter is 35 and her son is 11. Daughter and I have had an estranged relationship for many, many years due to the divorce of her mom and I back in the later 70's. <snip> To us, seems like she is a "child raising a child"! <snip>We have never seen our grandson and it's been many years since I've seen my daughter,<snip>Don't know what to do about her language/slang on Facebook.
Any suggestions......the "good", the "bad" and the "ugly" (well, not the "ugly" please).
Summing up, you and her mother divorced when she was a toddler and you've had very little face-to-face contact with her, if any. In Family Law parlance, you are referred to as the "sperm donor" in that you share DNA, but that's the extent of the relationship. There is no father-daughter relationship here and I cannot see where one will emerge if you insist on criticizing her behavior. It's your choice. Shut your mouth and hope she eventually wants to build a relationship with you or stick to your "principles" and miss out on the possibility that the two of you can reconnect. Those are your only options.
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