U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
 
Unread 12-03-2011, 01:28 AM
 
Location: SW MO
17,560 posts, read 13,195,906 times
Reputation: 14875
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
Why don't you just say "NO?" You're retired... to hell with having children in your house. I can't understand why retired people allow their children or grandchildren to compromise their lives?
Ulysses, to "just say NO" would leave my stepdaughter and two, possibly three grandchildren on the streets. This isn't the generation we grew up in when prices were reasonable and employment was readily available to those willing and eager to work. We simply can't allow that to happen while we have the means and ability to see that it doesn't.

It will all be temporary and we'll get our quiet retirement life back. Then we can look back on it with no regrets.

Why do retired people all grandchildren and children to "compromise" our lives? Elementary, my dear Ulysses? Because we're human, caring individuals and love our offspring. So shoot us!

 
Unread 12-03-2011, 02:30 AM
 
Location: Phoenix,AZ
760 posts, read 410,403 times
Reputation: 3034
When are they supposed to arrive? The suspense is killing me!!!
A word of warning about the 16 year old chronic runaway..they are very aware of their "rights". I would be sure to become aware of the laws concerning this in your state and county. I went thru this with my teenage daughter..the law has since changed, but where we lived at the time, it was NOT against the law to run away. I lived in hell from the time she was 14 until she was 18..I felt really good about your undertaking until I read this...Now I am truely praying for you. I will say this...there is a reason for this kind of acting out..if you can find this reason you will prolly have your solution...
 
Unread 12-03-2011, 06:59 AM
 
Location: SW MO
17,560 posts, read 13,195,906 times
Reputation: 14875
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanygirl View Post
When are they supposed to arrive? The suspense is killing me!!!
A word of warning about the 16 year old chronic runaway..they are very aware of their "rights". I would be sure to become aware of the laws concerning this in your state and county. I went thru this with my teenage daughter..the law has since changed, but where we lived at the time, it was NOT against the law to run away. I lived in hell from the time she was 14 until she was 18..I felt really good about your undertaking until I read this...Now I am truely praying for you. I will say this...there is a reason for this kind of acting out..if you can find this reason you will prolly have your solution...
They should be here Wednesday, barring the unforeseen.

She may be aware of her rights in California but she's moving back to America and just might be in for a surprise. Grandpa here is also a former cop and knows what lines to avoid stepping over. But I'm real good at toeing them. We have a good handle on her acting out. It's her untreated, permissive mother. Now we get to take on both issues. Certainly not what we wanted to tackle in retirement but it is what it is. The good news is that she'll be totally out of her element here with no supports but us. We're also very rural and 18 miles from the nearest town; more like a village.
 
Unread 12-03-2011, 07:17 AM
 
Location: New England
10,610 posts, read 6,343,584 times
Reputation: 6979
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Ulysses, to "just say NO" would leave my stepdaughter and two, possibly three grandchildren on the streets. This isn't the generation we grew up in when prices were reasonable and employment was readily available to those willing and eager to work. We simply can't allow that to happen while we have the means and ability to see that it doesn't.

It will all be temporary and we'll get our quiet retirement life back. Then we can look back on it with no regrets.

Why do retired people all grandchildren and children to "compromise" our lives? Elementary, my dear Ulysses? Because we're human, caring individuals and love our offspring. So shoot us!
No, absolutely do not turn one's back on family. That is a code in my world. I see some parents who send money to charities in other countries who will not help out a family member in need. I had a doctor once who mentioned on one of my medical visits that she had two homeless kids (young adults) living in another state. What was going on there?? Now how one deals with the situation is another story. To help get others on their feet takes some assessment. Do they need professional treatment of some kind? Are they demoralized b/c of loss of job, etc? How far does one go without "enabling"? That is where the concentration should be, not on whether or not to take in family. My grandmother told me amazing stories of the great depression when total strangers showed up at one's door and were given a meal and often a bed and food to go. Whatever one's religion, that is the best expression of it.

PS--Few people even young people want to accept charity. If they feel like they're working for what they are given, they will feel so much more at ease. In your case, you have the land (gardening) and other chores. I would bet this is the way America is going to go, sooner or later, with families helping each other out in order to survive.
 
Unread 12-03-2011, 08:41 AM
 
Location: Oxygen Ln. AZ
8,103 posts, read 9,554,329 times
Reputation: 4132
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
No, absolutely do not turn one's back on family. That is a code in my world. I see some parents who send money to charities in other countries who will not help out a family member in need. I had a doctor once who mentioned on one of my medical visits that she had two homeless kids (young adults) living in another state. What was going on there?? Now how one deals with the situation is another story. To help get others on their feet takes some assessment. Do they need professional treatment of some kind? Are they demoralized b/c of loss of job, etc? How far does one go without "enabling"? That is where the concentration should be, not on whether or not to take in family. My grandmother told me amazing stories of the great depression when total strangers showed up at one's door and were given a meal and often a bed and food to go. Whatever one's religion, that is the best expression of it.

PS--Few people even young people want to accept charity. If they feel like they're working for what they are given, they will feel so much more at ease. In your case, you have the land (gardening) and other chores. I would bet this is the way America is going to go, sooner or later, with families helping each other out in order to survive.
We have done these things before. During the latter part of the depression my dad went into the army to fight in WWII and sent my poor mom back to the family farm to stay with her folks. She had made it all the way to Hollywood only to be sent back to Ohio. She is such a deva and I can imagine how devestating this was for her. LOL.
 
Unread 12-03-2011, 11:31 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,294 posts, read 4,375,482 times
Reputation: 8956
From my point of view, one of the key elements that will determine whether this is a little inconvenience or an insurmountable problem is your relationship with your wife and whether or not you are on the same page as issues come up.

She might naturally be more sympathetic to her children and her grandchild and that might cause a chasm in your relationship . . .it's a blended family kind of syndrome - if there are any issues at all along this line, a good therapist or social worker might help you navigate through things as they come up - kind of like a blended family coach (as opposed to pathologizing any of you) . . .

I do believe this is an opportunity for growth and you seem to have a good attitude . . .I personally would be careful with the "cop" energy . . . that could be a little oppressive, just my take . . .
 
Unread 12-03-2011, 11:36 AM
 
Location: New England
10,610 posts, read 6,343,584 times
Reputation: 6979
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
NEGirl . . . if you can get down to NC, I can take us from there. I know the way to MO by heart, lol (but then, now that I think about it, you would, also! We can take turns driving!)
I know my way to the Ozarks--lived north of there in Columbia, Missouri for seven years where I got my master's at U-MO-Journalism, in my forties. Brought up my kids mostly there. My famous trip to the Ozarks was to a writer's conference, which was so bad I left in the middle of the night before paying.

That area is a beautiful country. I think there's a big organic farming movement there. I was thinking that Curmudgeon's 16-yo granddaughter might get involved in something like that, it's a direction that lots of young people are going in. I think we should get a group together and make our way there....and see if Curmudge will let us homestead on his property..
 
Unread 12-03-2011, 12:30 PM
 
Location: SW MO
17,560 posts, read 13,195,906 times
Reputation: 14875
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
....and see if Curmudge will let us homestead on his property..
No, but he might sublet his tool shed for a couple of people.
 
Unread 12-03-2011, 12:34 PM
 
Location: SW MO
17,560 posts, read 13,195,906 times
Reputation: 14875
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
From my point of view, one of the key elements that will determine whether this is a little inconvenience or an insurmountable problem is your relationship with your wife and whether or not you are on the same page as issues come up.

She might naturally be more sympathetic to her children and her grandchild and that might cause a chasm in your relationship . . .it's a blended family kind of syndrome - if there are any issues at all along this line, a good therapist or social worker might help you navigate through things as they come up - kind of like a blended family coach (as opposed to pathologizing any of you) . . .

I do believe this is an opportunity for growth and you seem to have a good attitude . . .I personally would be careful with the "cop" energy . . . that could be a little oppressive, just my take . . .
Been "stepping" it for 15 years and we haven't come to blows yet. I think we're fine.

A little oppression is good for the soul when dealing with willful or defiant teens. Either they acquiesce to the rules of the house or they run away.
 
Unread 12-03-2011, 04:41 PM
 
Location: Ponte Vedra Beach FL
9,405 posts, read 5,798,660 times
Reputation: 3171
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
I feel like Abu ben Adam - one of various spellings - from the poem by James Henry Leigh Hunt: "Abou ben Adam (may his tribe increase!) awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,..." But I'd like to know what this thing called "dream of peace" is.

Yesterday stepdaughter called and talked to her mother. "Mother" then informed me that in addition to the two boys, her 16-year old, chronic runaway granddaughter would also be joining us, at least through the holidays. We had discussed her earlier (she was not living with her mother and brothers) and I had been adamant that she was not welcome as she would be an extremely troubling influence who would not fit in well with this home or our community. Guess I got out-voted. Being a quasi-gentleman and since we're in mixed company I'll refrain from relating my part of the subsequent conversation.

The challenge has just increased several fold. Anyone have a spare room, for me, not the girl?
Boy - it never rains but it pours <sigh>. Robyn
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.



All times are GMT -6.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top