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Old 01-13-2012, 10:24 AM
 
Location: delaware
677 posts, read 744,564 times
Reputation: 2280

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Well, I thought I was reasonably happy and she was too. Not idyllic (don't remember ever saying that) but comfortable and mutually supportive. You could do a lot worse.

Yes, self-medication with alcohol which has been an ongoing problem since she retired and yes again, I have fom time-to-time gotten rather hot under the collar about it. With SD here it's gotten worse which I tried to point out but to no avail. While I realize that's always a possibility with bipolar, at issue is do I really wish to put up with it anymore? It's been very costly, not just from the price of alcohol and medical costs related to falls, but emotionally costly as well and there are other factors I won't go into.

As to the issue of single mother protectiveness, understandable and acceptable but only up to a point and when she sides with her daughter against me in my own home and where I live, that point is not just reached by left in the dust. So, too, is the relationship. Counseling won't help that because it can't bring back the trust.


yes, i can see this latest behavior possibly becoming the last straw, in light of what you know, from experience, it takes- emotionally, mentally, financially- to live with someone who has bi-polar, even"well controlled ", if there is such a thing, bi-polar. the unpredictability factor is always there and any change in life situation, especialy extremely stressful situations, out of control, can trigger a bi-polar episode. i know it's difficult to live with and it sounds as if, at least at this point, you've decided that it may not be worth the effort.

 
Old 01-13-2012, 10:28 AM
Status: "Reluctant widower." (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: SW MO
23,571 posts, read 27,973,710 times
Reputation: 28372
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
OOps, missed this...could it be that you'd let something slip in joking, and that led DW to think you were having an affair, and SD rose to the suspicion and tried to get onto your computer to snoop?
Now that would be difficult. The lady in question and I haven't seen one another in over 45 years when she sent me a Dear John letter after I enlisted in the military during Vietnam. Her name popped up when I was researching performance venues for my youngest daughter who is a dancer, dance teacher, choreographer and competition judge. Old friend is an actress and acting coach.

At the time of "discovery," we lived 3,000 miles apart. Even now there's about 1,000 miles between us. Wife and I have been together almost 24/7 since I retired and when I've flown her to the left coast to visit her daughters we've spoken by phone daily, with me on the house phone. Old friend and I are just that and we're totally incompatible in terms of beliefs, likes and dislikes, politics, lifestyle, etc. But we communicate on occasion and my wife has known about her from day-one. Other than my three oldest children and a couple of cousins I haven't seen in over 30 years, she's the only one who remembers my parents who have been dead for over 20 years.

I've never had anything to hide. Not my style on any level. Next!
 
Old 01-13-2012, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Lexington, SC
4,281 posts, read 9,485,817 times
Reputation: 3677
While I hope all works out for you, have you cosidered pitching them all out?
 
Old 01-13-2012, 10:52 AM
Status: "Reluctant widower." (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: SW MO
23,571 posts, read 27,973,710 times
Reputation: 28372
Quote:
Originally Posted by accufitgolf View Post
While I hope all works out for you, have you cosidered pitching them all out?
Including wife? Difficult. Wife is on the title of the house as well. SD would refuse to leave unless her mother sided with me. Doubtful. Wouldn't do that to the boys. They're blameless.
 
Old 01-13-2012, 11:11 AM
Status: "New name, same member." (set 27 days ago)
 
Location: Spurs Country
2,431 posts, read 2,988,885 times
Reputation: 5015
Quote:
Originally Posted by SCGranny View Post
WTH????

Curmie, I'm in shock!

So let me get this straight. You let DD move back into the house with her two sons, you are providing the support for them, you have been emotionally supporting them and trying to be the 'father figure' and caring and concerned 'grampa' figure they never had - and all the while DD has been conspiring with your wife to kick YOU to the curb?

Dude, you are better off without this nest of drama queens... apparently they figure they can take you for all you are worth and not even have to have you in the picture to do it!

Get an attorney and get out with as much of your hide still attached as you can...

You have done enough for them. If they don't/won't/can't/ appreciate you - let them rot in the drama hellhole they've created for themselves. They deserve it - and they don't deserve you.

Better for you to find out now where your DW's loyalties really lie, then to find out when you are unable to leave. Not much comfort, but DANG!

I still can't believe it. OK, I know there are people like this - there are some in my own family - but DANG.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

You have my sympathy.
I have been off CD for awhile due to a broken shoulder, so I am totally shocked to read Curmudgeon's post of divorce! I agree with this one 100%.
 
Old 01-13-2012, 11:30 AM
 
Location: Bangor Maine
3,442 posts, read 5,071,811 times
Reputation: 3963
I am shocked too about the turn of events in your life. I know first hand how manipulative a person with Mental illness can be. Life with my mother was almost impossable for me even with a loving and careing Dad in the home. Most anyone with an uncontrolled MI will put themselves first and everyone else last. It seems for them that their needs and wants come first no matter who is hurt. Sorry you are having to live through this. Don't let the SD drain you dry.

Last edited by Newdaawn; 01-13-2012 at 11:31 AM.. Reason: spelling correction
 
Old 01-13-2012, 11:38 AM
 
701 posts, read 1,378,766 times
Reputation: 784
Good grief. So DW and SD got to drinking and the next thing you know, DW has thrown 20 years of companionship/marriage out the window and you're grilling a T-Bone at a campsite just out of town.

Sorry for your loss. I really am. You two seem to have achieved the retirement dream.

I trust by now you've met with an attorney and have an idea of how the money situation is going unfold. Time to sit down with DW and work out the details. Can she afford the house expenses? Is she able to qualify for a mortgage to buy out your half?

There is a chance that she asked for the divorce in a moment of not thinking clearly and now regrets it. How willing are you to work things out or have things gone too far and you just want to throw in the towel?

Life rolls on. We roll with it.

Keeping a good thought for you.
 
Old 01-13-2012, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Lexington, SC
4,281 posts, read 9,485,817 times
Reputation: 3677
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatRoy1 View Post
Good grief. So DW and SD got to drinking and the next thing you know, DW has thrown 20 years of companionship/marriage out the window and you're grilling a T-Bone at a campsite just out of town.

Sorry for your loss. I really am. You two seem to have achieved the retirement dream.

I trust by now you've met with an attorney and have an idea of how the money situation is going unfold. Time to sit down with DW and work out the details. Can she afford the house expenses? Is she able to qualify for a mortgage to buy out your half?

There is a chance that she asked for the divorce in a moment of not thinking clearly and now regrets it. How willing are you to work things out or have things gone too far and you just want to throw in the towel?

Life rolls on. We roll with it.

Keeping a good thought for you.
I hope she was not thinking clearly and he can work it out.
 
Old 01-13-2012, 12:03 PM
Status: "Reluctant widower." (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: SW MO
23,571 posts, read 27,973,710 times
Reputation: 28372
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatRoy1 View Post
Good grief. So DW and SD got to drinking and the next thing you know, DW has thrown 20 years of companionship/marriage out the window and you're grilling a T-Bone at a campsite just out of town.

Sorry for your loss. I really am. You two seem to have achieved the retirement dream.

I trust by now you've met with an attorney and have an idea of how the money situation is going unfold. Time to sit down with DW and work out the details. Can she afford the house expenses? Is she able to qualify for a mortgage to buy out your half?

There is a chance that she asked for the divorce in a moment of not thinking clearly and now regrets it. How willing are you to work things out or have things gone too far and you just want to throw in the towel?

Life rolls on. We roll with it.

Keeping a good thought for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by accufitgolf View Post
I hope she was not thinking clearly and he can work it out.
Nope! Haven't met with anyone yet. This all just happened a couple of days ago.

As for the rest, time will tell!
 
Old 01-13-2012, 02:01 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,383 posts, read 36,677,261 times
Reputation: 11826
Mental illness and alcohol, stirred into a wicked brew with the arrival of SD. If DW has been drinking since retirement, she's been a closet alcoholic for a long time in addition to being bipolar. How can there be any sane, realistic thinking, not to mention resolve, done by a person who is not only mentally ill, but an alcoholic?

She falls, has injuries, you have medical bills. The woman clearly had problems when you married, kept under control while she worked. She no longer has work to keep her disciplined. Arrival of SD - it all falls apart big time.

A while back, Curm, you mentioned they could both go back to left coast, you would buy out her share of house and you would stay there. I think this is what you should do. SD & DW might do it if they saw the $$. Wasn't SD just a few weeks ago planning to return to CA in the spring? There is no way they can maintain that property, and I doubt they love that area the way you do.

This situation will not improve. Today was the first mention of alcohol. Now it is clear. When alcohol is involved, there is no sanity.

I have a cousin in law enforcement. His woman-picker was off, too. It's something about control, enabling, all those things. Now on his third wife, also an alcoholic - a sleep-at-the-table, falling down alcoholic. He navigates around it. She has an adult son who is not a problem, but he is also the only person she speaks to - literally. She still works so the drinking is done at night and on weekends.

Certain people are, by nature and/or background, enablers and are attracted to and attract problem people. My wonderful when-I-married-him husband became a drinker and later a drug abuser - ran in his family. We separated after twelve years of marriage. Next guy I dated was an alcoholic. Didn't last long, but I was crazy about him at the time. Guy after that a woman chaser - couldn't help himself. Every one of them was an addict. Clearly, my man picker was off. Actually, they all picked me. For some reason I didn't attract, nor did I have the capacity to recognize, a normal, well-balanced guy when I saw him. So, to restore harmony in my life, I've sworn off men. It's been 25 years, now. The peace is wonderful.

Not worth it. Get rid of the whole bunch and find some sanity. You are surrounded by nature and will find your healing there.

Last edited by Ariadne22; 01-13-2012 at 03:09 PM..
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