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When push comes to shove, I wouldn't let any elder in my family go out on the street or uncared for in any way. No blame, just attend to the matter at hand. I do not want to be cared for by my children, and to this end I have a plan. If my plan backfires and someone wants to step in and help, OK I could live with it. But it would be a solution of absolute last resort. That is because it's the way we do things in our culture.
My relatives in Italy are so different. Kids don't generally leave home till they're really on their feet financially, sons and daughters alike. My rather wealthy relatives there have always had elders in their home, so the old ones would never fear for being alone or cared for by strangers. They generally die at home. That could change as family values change, I suppose.
Anyone who is paying attention to life around them, has seen that caring for aging elders particularly after dementia sets-in, can be as energy, health and life-draining ... as grandparents trying to raise 200lb 2-year old's who never get any older. Couple this with a huge aging 'boomer' population, and it's easy to see that eldercare will likely become one of the major issues of our society over the next 10-20 years.
The expectation that an aging spouse or one's retirement-aged children should/will take on this huge responsibility is both selfish and unrealistic.... as is simply ignoring the problem. This has nothing to do with love (except, the love of aging people for their spouse and others), and everything to do with reality.
Seniors who have resources should make every effort to plan for their own independent care, while they are still in control of their faculties. Ironically, seniors without resources often have even greater opportunities for eldercare ... and should take steps to ensure that they have a plan to implement those alternatives before the need arises. This is a far more 'loving' and rational expectation ... than expecting a loved one to simply 'shoulder the burden' for your extended care.
I would not want my children to need to take care of me. If it comes to that, though, I will expect them to. I know only two of the three would step up and do it.
I expect our son will help us in whatever way he can. This will probably be limited, since he doesn't have a lot of resources. But he has already shown that he can step up and be there for us, when we need him. I value that immensely, and hope never to burden him unduly when we become elderly.
Yes, I expect the children to take care of parents when the parents get old, but only to their own capacity or ability. I don't expect to move into my son's house. We'd probably drive each other crazy. If I can't live on my own, then its assisted living or nursing home.
Curmudgeon: ..."No expectations whatsoever and it's the last thing I would want or consent to. I have a "horror" of being taken care of by and being a burden on my children. Just shoot me first."
Just an observation, my friend - unfortunately our culture is not adapted to giving one a merciful bullet when a reasonable person would thus request it. Best to plan to have one's own supply and not rely on the system. Else-wise, one may indeed become an unwitting victim of the medical complex. We are, as a culture, particularly inept at dealing with dying with dignity. JMO
Curmudgeon: ..."No expectations whatsoever and it's the last thing I would want or consent to. I have a "horror" of being taken care of by and being a burden on my children. Just shoot me first."
Just an observation, my friend - unfortunately our culture is not adapted to giving one a merciful bullet when a reasonable person would thus request it. Best to plan to have one's own supply and not rely on the system. Else-wise, one may indeed become an unwitting victim of the medical complex. We are, as a culture, particularly inept at dealing with dying with dignity. JMO
Like Paladin, "Have gun. Will travel." Now all I need is one of those holsters with a silver chess knight inlaid on it. Would you believe they're actually available? Dang! Perhaps I should give up concealability for a Colt single six!
I was always taught family takes care of family...
Of course... some are more able than others to help out.
Could also be the people I have grown up around in the neighborhood from many different cultures... just about all cared for an aged love one at home at some time...
Made no difference if the family was Caucasian, African American, Asian or Hispanic.
I do find it interesting that many of my contemporaries make a effort to put many mile between themselves and family...
What's the old saying... don't judge till you have walked in the other person's shoes...
Like Paladin, "Have gun. Will travel." Now all I need is one of those holsters with a silver chess knight inlaid on it. Would you believe they're actually available? Dang! Perhaps I should give up concealability for a Colt single six!
Hey Fella,
Paladin was one of my childhood heroes. Right up there with Marshal Dillion. Their TV shows followed each other on Sat. nights when I was allowed to watch TV at the neighbors (my family didn't own a TV for quite awhile).
Concealability is over rated, IMHO, tis best to avoid such overt needs - better to carry an elephant gun outright and deter interaction entirely. JMO
I have no expectations my children will take care of me at all. I would honestly suggest to anyone getting old that you put together a plan at some point. The plan might include checking into a nursing home when you no longer able to care for yourself. For some, who are less inhibited, like myself, the plan might include taking your own life at a certain point. You need to have a plan because its very hard to do things like this on the spur of the moment. You have to leave yourself enough physical stamina that you are capable of carrying out the plan. I know several people who waited too long and didn't have the ability to swallow pills or pointed a firearm at themselves. I would not impose my wishes on anyone else. However, the thought of my children having to care for me is downright reprehensible to me.
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Their TV shows followed each other on Sat. nights when I was allowed to watch TV at the neighbors (my family didn't own a TV for quite awhile). 
