Moving to be near your kids. Bad idea? (emotionally, friendly, retired)
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If you like where you are and don't really want to move - these days its no big deal, hop on a plane and visit. It's getting cheaper and cheaper.
Air travel has become a huge pain and gets more aggravating and uncomfortable all the time. I will be happy when I no longer have to fly
2500 miles to visit my kids and grandkids. No more invasive security, long
layovers, cramped seats.
Very good point! Many of us who have been part of a couple for several decades forget about this... or have a hard time imagining how we might feel after a spouse dies. Although right now we don't feel a need to live near other family members, we have each other for regular company. How will we feel when it's just one of us? Will we want to be closer to family members? I don't know, but it makes you think.
That is what changed it all for me. DH and I had plans of our own and we had no intention of moving near the California kids. We were going to a beautiful low cost area in the Blue Ridge mountains. Unfortunately our plans did not come to fruition. Life is very lonely when a spouse dies and the children are far away. I have lots of wonderful supportive friends but my heart longs to be close to my family.
In another thread a poster noted that moving to an area to be close to your kids can be a bad idea.
He noted that many times young families will move to a different location due to various factors. Like jobs.
I have heard that the average family will relocate every five years. I would hate to be chasing my grand kids around the country.
Thoughts?
I've already given my opinion but you have a lot of posts that have given you insight as to why or why not this may or may not be a good idea.
Just do what you feel is right for YOU, not them. As we age, we must take care of our relationships, job, networks, etc. in order stay spiritually, mentally, physically healthy. A long plane ride or drive can suck or be a great thing. The one thing they won't have if you're chasing them by moving about the country is a stabilized, healthy and happy parent/grand-parent.
I don't think this forum is the place to answer questions, just get opinions. You've received some very good opinions (sorry I couldn't rep some of you again).
Why not try having a discussion with them and get insight from people that know and love you? They can dissuade or persuade and your answer will be given to you, maybe.
DH and I moved to be near our DD and grandkids 9 yrs. ago. It has been delightful to watch the grandkids grow up (ages 13 and 10 now). We enjoy them a lot and DD, as well. However, it's a younger person's community, and we have never been able to connect to the city nor make the friends like we had in FL and miss the fun things we used to do, i.e. beach, exploring, etc.
It's a trade-off. Do we continue to live here, even though the grandkids are becoming less interested in the grandparents as they grow up and have many friends and a life of their own? DD is an executive and very busy with her job... We are busy, but somewhat lonely. What if we move back to FL and enjoy that but one of us become very ill? Friends are nice, but they are not necessarily able to help with an illness (especially as we all age). If one of us dies, the other will be left with no one and then may want to be near family and will have the huge hassle of selling the home by themselves and a long distance move. Decisions, decisions, decisions... I wrote down what "Jennysquirrel" said in another post. "You have one life to live. Live it to the fullest, and have no regrets when it's over." That's such good advice, but how to apply it????
DH and I moved to be near our DD and grandkids 9 yrs. ago. It has been delightful to watch the grandkids grow up (ages 13 and 10 now). We enjoy them a lot and DD, as well. However, it's a younger person's community, and we have never been able to connect to the city nor make the friends like we had in FL and miss the fun things we used to do, i.e. beach, exploring, etc.
It's a trade-off. Do we continue to live here, even though the grandkids are becoming less interested in the grandparents as they grow up and have many friends and a life of their own? DD is an executive and very busy with her job... We are busy, but somewhat lonely. What if we move back to FL and enjoy that but one of us become very ill? Friends are nice, but they are not necessarily able to help with an illness (especially as we all age). If one of us dies, the other will be left with no one and then may want to be near family and will have the huge hassle of selling the home by themselves and a long distance move. Decisions, decisions, decisions... I wrote down what "Jennysquirrel" said in another post. "You have one life to live. Live it to the fullest, and have no regrets when it's over." That's such good advice, but how to apply it????
All good points. It's a game changer when one winds up alone, and it's a given that in all couples on earth, one will wind up alone unless they both go together. The amenities we thought would be enjoyed together as a couple take back seat when alone; what's most important is being near people who care about us, and in a place where we can get everything we need. I've known a few couples who enthusiastically moved together to a dream place that was either rural or isolated-coast, and the survivor in each case eventually gave up that place when they became alone. Suddenly kids or grandkids or siblings become an anchor of sorts and moving near them can supply some purpose and meaning. Of course there are those who can stay in a place alone, traveling to family or hoping family travels to them. They are generally very well connected to their community/church/social groups and do not wish to leave that close network.
When we retired we moved within 30 miles of one of our offspring, although that wasn't a criteria of our move. We chose to move north instead of south and loved the area. It's nice having our grandchildren and daughter within driving distance, considering it was always 3.5 hour trip before. It also a God send when we were in a bad auto accident, as she was able to help us out physically.
We don't seen them all the time, on average once every two weeks. They have their lives and we have our own. We have an RV so spend sometime south in the winter and fly to HI for some time also.
Other offspring are spread out and didn't consider moving near them because the states didn't meet our criteria or interests.
Depending upon the relationship, sometimes it's a good idea and sometimes not. After having a few catastrophic illnesses, I can understand why it is important to have good family or friends nearby.
DH and I moved to be near our DD and grandkids 9 yrs. ago. It has been delightful to watch the grandkids grow up (ages 13 and 10 now). We enjoy them a lot and DD, as well. However, it's a younger person's community, and we have never been able to connect to the city nor make the friends like we had in FL and miss the fun things we used to do, i.e. beach, exploring, etc.
It's a trade-off.
I agree...everything is a 'trade off'. I am coming to see the wisdom that those that are most settled with their retirement decisions have rationalized the pros and cons and feel the pros outweigh the cons in their present location decision. It is near impossible to "have it all" factoring in all possible considerations. Every individual needs to decide for themselves what they value and work within their financial and physical means to determine what priorities are going to move to the top of the list. "Being near kids/grandkids" is just one of the factors to weigh out among the others.
I am not sure there is a right or wrong answer to this question: We moved the first time away from 1 of our kids, the other 2 are in fl which isn't our idea of a place we want to live. After being away from our Texas daughter for 7 years we decided the drive back and forth for special occassions was getting to be a pain and flying was as bad. We decided to move a little closer. Being near her and our 2 married grandchildren wasn't the only reason, but it was one reason we choose to re-loate. Since then our daughter and her husband have moved to the community we live in and I love every minute of it. Would we follow them all over? Hell no...my mother in law did this, she would have been better off had she not.
As we age, and health issues start to enter the picture, haveing family near can be a God send, but there is more to the decision than just that. One needs to consider friends, amenities, cost of living, etc. No one should move just to be close to family....
Nita
DH and I moved to be near our DD and grandkids 9 yrs. ago. It has been delightful to watch the grandkids grow up (ages 13 and 10 now). We enjoy them a lot and DD, as well. However, it's a younger person's community, and we have never been able to connect to the city nor make the friends like we had in FL and miss the fun things we used to do, i.e. beach, exploring, etc.
It's a trade-off. Do we continue to live here, even though the grandkids are becoming less interested in the grandparents as they grow up and have many friends and a life of their own? DD is an executive and very busy with her job... We are busy, but somewhat lonely. What if we move back to FL and enjoy that but one of us become very ill? Friends are nice, but they are not necessarily able to help with an illness (especially as we all age). If one of us dies, the other will be left with no one and then may want to be near family and will have the huge hassle of selling the home by themselves and a long distance move. Decisions, decisions, decisions... I wrote down what "Jennysquirrel" said in another post. "You have one life to live. Live it to the fullest, and have no regrets when it's over." That's such good advice, but how to apply it????
Good post and I bolded some points that we see as important. We are connected to our community and geeting more so every year. The thought of leaving our community to move to an area that might not be right for us leaves me with a cold empty feeling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nmnita
I am not sure there is a right or wrong answer to this question:
>snip<
Would we follow them all over? Hell no...my mother in law did this, she would have been better off had she not.
As we age, and health issues start to enter the picture, haveing family near can be a God send, but there is more to the decision than just that. One needs to consider friends, amenities, cost of living, etc. No one should move just to be close to family....
Nita
Another good post. However the illness thing. While possible, may not come to pass. And if it does, then maybe it would be a good idea to move, assuming your child's family could give you the support you need-or do a better job than your friends and support system found in one's community.
Mom, who is 80, if finally moving 600 miles to be closer to us. My hubby is her only son. She realized that we can do nothing if she has an emergency, cannot help repair emergenies dealing with the house, cannot see her more than a couple of short trips a year, etc. Cannot help if she gets sick. If she had a broken hip, we could not provide the family she would need. The weather is crappy where she lives and she has great trouble finding a person to shovel and plow her driveway, mow her grass, etc.
When she said she wanted to come, we sold the house which we owned and took care of all the actual move. We knew she was positive about her decision because she took care of selling furniture, car, and making all the necessary calls locally.
Together we found her a great apartment, insurance, doctor, etc. in the new area. Now all that remains is the final drive, packing up and driving back.
It needed to be her decision and she had to be involved for it to be successful. She and Dad should have done it 20 years ago but he would never have made the decision no matter how difficult life was for Mom.
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