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Old 06-01-2009, 11:19 PM
 
1,569 posts, read 3,085,567 times
Reputation: 924

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Quote:
Originally Posted by karcon View Post
March 31, 1991-June 1, 2009 - Koviack is now at peace! Such a good, sweet boy. He's now free, whole and happy and gave me and my family such wonderful memories. Thank you all so much for your support and understanding.
Sorry to hear you had to go thru this Karcon, it's so difficult. I'm sure you miss him very much.

 
Old 06-02-2009, 02:19 AM
 
Location: Alaska
384 posts, read 877,571 times
Reputation: 186
Yikes - lots happening here! Karcon - I echo everyone else's feelings on the loss of Koviack, but also appreciate your compassion in letting him go.

Wisteria - even in reading your posts it feels like it is too much to take in all at once - so I can only imagine how it is for you. Any one of the events alone would be enough to jolt one's confidence and stability. I feel it is entirely understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed and lost. It is hard to see a way to the "plan" or to give over to it in acceptance when all your senses and emotions are being flooded with fear, pain, and exhaustion.

As others have - I urge you to hang on, breathe deep and just take one step at a time ...just work with today ...until the tomorrow's start to flow on their own. It may be that everything will be different than you ever thought about. Working with "just today" may allow for the acceptance needed to go down a different path than anticipated.

My heart goes out to you about your daughter. As the single mother of a daughter, I could barely breathe reading the extent of the distancing - and I remember that feeling of being unable to stop it, unable to penetrate to the heart and core of my daughter. Devastating. Like Karcon - I'm glad to be able to report to you that that time passed. It did, however, require some immense acceptance and adjustment on my part to get through it...and to not let it destroy me.

Ironically - I lost my job during that time as well. Never rains but it pours. So I know, you can definitely make it out of the storm ....you just might land someplace you had no intention of going to though. But it is ok...maybe even better.

I'm definitely sorry to hear the "retreat" option won't work. I was all set to be a visiting yoga instructor and a massage therapist. Truly, when I first saw the pictures of your place I thought the same thing as Anomoly - what a great little retreat place.

NewEnglandgirl - so sorry your deal fell through. It is a tough time to move real estate, but there are people buying ...so it may just take more time.



I love Anomoly's
 
Old 06-02-2009, 02:27 AM
 
Location: Alaska
384 posts, read 877,571 times
Reputation: 186
Guess i didn't finish that post .... I lost that sentence somewhere .... it went with the above part about your property and it was "I love Anomoly's idea for your property.... ".

Ah ... the joys of losing posts, or parts of posts.
 
Old 06-02-2009, 06:03 AM
 
Location: DC Area, for now
3,517 posts, read 12,052,621 times
Reputation: 2141
Oh Wisteria, breathe. You have got to stop for a little while and take care of you. Take your dog for a stroll and relax for a while. You did a great job getting the house ready, so let that one go for a bit. There is nothing you can do about the daughter but let her go her own path (but I gotta say, the Chinese guy can't be all that traditional or he would only be with a Chinese woman - sounds controlling to me. SR is right, leave the doors open for her always, but she must find her own path now). Get some lavender and just relax. Breathe deeply. You need to take care of you for a bit until it looks not so daunting.

Even if the worst does happen, you can still retire. Defaulting on a house is not the worst thing that can happen. Lots of people do that and are ok afterwards. It isn't ideal, but you can survive it intact. In these difficult times, something like that isn't even looked upon as necessarily your fault. But you are a long ways from that possibility. It is an idylic mountain retreat that someone probably just needs to find to want. It helps me to examine the worst that can happen and make a what if plan as well as how I want it to occur. That way, I have my possible paths ready and I don't feel so helpless.

The boss might be playing games with you - he might be making threatening noises to see if that will make you retire. But even if that does happen, you were trying to decide whether to retire anyway. So just proceed as if he had said nothing but keep your contingencies in your hip pocket. And keep your non-work intents to yourself! I would say not to trust the guy after that kind of talk.

You will get thru this and it could work out great in the end even if the path that comes is not the one you had wanted. It is just the first step.
 
Old 06-02-2009, 08:59 AM
 
Location: Sarasota Florida
1,236 posts, read 3,608,485 times
Reputation: 1230
Cool wisteria.........

Somewhere I read or heard that when faced with being fired or laid-off, it might be worth a try to NEGOTIATE with the supervisor (or boss/employer) ....... saying you really would like to remain employed and that you would be willing to take a "cut" in salary or a "reduction" in hours, (as a last-resort to keep the job - then leave when you're ready!). In these times - all tactics are worthy of consideration
 
Old 06-02-2009, 09:24 AM
Status: "Could be worse" (set 21 days ago)
 
Location: Las Cruces, New Mexico
510 posts, read 1,309,221 times
Reputation: 452
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tesaje View Post
. It helps me to examine the worst that can happen and make a what if plan as well as how I want it to occur. That way, I have my possible paths ready and I don't feel so helpless.
Excellent advice!
 
Old 06-02-2009, 10:56 AM
 
Location: Monterey Bay, California -- watching the sea lions, whales and otters! :D
1,918 posts, read 6,241,648 times
Reputation: 2646
Wow, such nice replies! Thank you! I will address them as a group, as I am short on time here.

The Boss: Well, he heard from another co-worker that I was very distraught -- we are in a huge budget crisis here and 20% of our department is being cut -- I was wondering if he was going to delete my position (which would then MAKE me have to default on the house because I could not pay the mortgage without the full wage of this position). Fortunately, this very morning he came in and said he had heard I was really worried, and assured me that my position wasn't being cut -- that he just wants to make changes to the job, and that I shouldn't fear losing my job. Phew....BIG sigh of relief!

The Daughter: I got on MSN Messenger last night and saw she was on. I said, "Hi," not knowing if she would respond. She finally did, and at first she was kind of mean. Then she mellowed out, and I told her that texting and emailing (mostly me doing it) was too difficult to translate the "real" meaning, and that this whole discord could easily be solved if she would just call me once a week -- with her voice -- and I would accept collect calls, even. She finally agreed, but we shall see if that comes to pass. Did I get a name of the family, address or phone? No. She still won't reveal that.

However, she did say she would see me the weekend of Tony's graduation (June 12th -- getting his Masters in Math). I told her I'd rather not see her that weekend because it would be very awkward with her with his family, then running off to see me for a moment and then running back to them -- it felt creepy. THEN she said, I was invited to his graduation (I was told I wasn't). She said she had a change of mind and that since I was "good" on Mother's Day that I could be invited. I didn't argue, just accepted it, and we'll see if that really happens, too. I don't trust her anymore in that way.

The House: As some of you may know, I owe A LOT on this house -- the entire mortgage... $246,000!!! Yes, that's a lot of money. I did not choose nor buy this house -- an old ex-boyfriend did -- and the story gets very ugly from there on -- suffice to say he had put me on title to get me into the house (I didn't want to leave my rental), and supposedly we were to get married and live in this house he bought.....only once he moved me and my daughter in, he left and went back to Monterey .... never once moved an article of his own things in. Then the barrage of threats that he would get me off title, that he wanted me to convert to his (extremely conservative) religion -- which had never come up before, so I was taken by surprise -- and it went on for three years. After the three years, I begged to buy out his half (I had gone to a real estate attorney who said that, yes, he could get me off title, but it would be more work). All this time, I was paying -- from the very first month -- the mortgage and 100% of the utilities (which is one reason they allowed me to take over the whole thing). After about 15 times of making appointments with the broker to sign the papers, and then never showing, the last time he said he'd be there, the broker called me at work and told me to leave work right then and there -- I went, he finally signed....and then....after three years of harassment, three years of telling us we were evil because we were not his religion (which he never clued us into before at all -- I had no idea), and three years of threatening to kick us out and leave us homeless -- he signed the papers and then turned to me and said, "I only wanted a family." All I could think was, "THIS is how you treat people you want to be a family with?????"

Well, that's how I got into a house I couldn't afford, and MUST have this job to pay the high mortgage. I bought it from him in 2003. Now, had he said he wanted to buy me and my daughter a house, and included US in the decision making, asked us where WE would like to live, and what we would like in a home, THEN it would have been different. But he just went out, bought the house (supposedly for him), and then strong-armed us into moving in under false pretenses. Thus, the mess I'm in now and it just multiplies the stress knowing that this was never "my" house, but I still maintained it, invested a lot of equity into it to fix the roof and septic and other things. So, you see, this idyllic place I created came out of a very horrible space. I needed some solace, and I tried to create it there -- but now I need to be away from it. I hope this story helps to understand why I am anxious to sell, and also why I need to get at least the list price.

Yeah, too many things are merging at once. What I'd really like is a nice community where I can finally do some things I like -- sometimes I even forget what I like anymore with all the chaos. I love to write and I love drawing and teaching art. I guess I feel pretty gun-shy right now because I am not sure where that community is. I DO NOT want to be isolated again -- even if it is isolation with people around. It is so unhealthy. I really enjoy being around people -- I need that interaction.

I also need to see my dad who is in a nursing home back east. Although my daughter agreed to go with me, I guess I will probably have to go alone -- I wanted her to see her grampa before he died (he has Alzheimer's).

So, there are just so many things on my plate, that I feel like a waitress with a full tray and then tripping over someone's feet sticking out from under the table and everything goes flying!! And then I have to clean up the mess!

I know I need a break, I know I need to relax, I know I need to retire, however, I also know that I need enough money to do so, a place to do it in that is "affordable" (being a relative term these days), and a chance to discover "me" again. That is my wish and dream for my last chapter of my life.

Thank you again for all the great responses. I'm also encouraged by those who have gone through similar situations and are now on the other side. Sometimes, as they say, you can't see the forest for the trees.....

I'll check in later -- can't upset the boss!! (He's in a meeting.)

((((((((((All the great women here!)))))))))))))
 
Old 06-02-2009, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,954 posts, read 7,393,688 times
Reputation: 16283
"What a difference a day makes......" la la la (song)
 
Old 06-02-2009, 12:42 PM
 
250 posts, read 648,776 times
Reputation: 199
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wisteria View Post
Wow, such nice replies! Thank you! I will address them as a group, as I am short on time here.

The Boss: Well, he heard from another co-worker that I was very distraught -- we are in a huge budget crisis here and 20% of our department is being cut -- I was wondering if he was going to delete my position (which would then MAKE me have to default on the house because I could not pay the mortgage without the full wage of this position). Fortunately, this very morning he came in and said he had heard I was really worried, and assured me that my position wasn't being cut -- that he just wants to make changes to the job, and that I shouldn't fear losing my job. Phew....BIG sigh of relief!

The Daughter: I got on MSN Messenger last night and saw she was on. I said, "Hi," not knowing if she would respond. She finally did, and at first she was kind of mean. Then she mellowed out, and I told her that texting and emailing (mostly me doing it) was too difficult to translate the "real" meaning, and that this whole discord could easily be solved if she would just call me once a week -- with her voice -- and I would accept collect calls, even. She finally agreed, but we shall see if that comes to pass. Did I get a name of the family, address or phone? No. She still won't reveal that.

However, she did say she would see me the weekend of Tony's graduation (June 12th -- getting his Masters in Math). I told her I'd rather not see her that weekend because it would be very awkward with her with his family, then running off to see me for a moment and then running back to them -- it felt creepy. THEN she said, I was invited to his graduation (I was told I wasn't). She said she had a change of mind and that since I was "good" on Mother's Day that I could be invited. I didn't argue, just accepted it, and we'll see if that really happens, too. I don't trust her anymore in that way.

The House: As some of you may know, I owe A LOT on this house -- the entire mortgage... $246,000!!! Yes, that's a lot of money. I did not choose nor buy this house -- an old ex-boyfriend did -- and the story gets very ugly from there on -- suffice to say he had put me on title to get me into the house (I didn't want to leave my rental), and supposedly we were to get married and live in this house he bought.....only once he moved me and my daughter in, he left and went back to Monterey .... never once moved an article of his own things in. Then the barrage of threats that he would get me off title, that he wanted me to convert to his (extremely conservative) religion -- which had never come up before, so I was taken by surprise -- and it went on for three years. After the three years, I begged to buy out his half (I had gone to a real estate attorney who said that, yes, he could get me off title, but it would be more work). All this time, I was paying -- from the very first month -- the mortgage and 100% of the utilities (which is one reason they allowed me to take over the whole thing). After about 15 times of making appointments with the broker to sign the papers, and then never showing, the last time he said he'd be there, the broker called me at work and told me to leave work right then and there -- I went, he finally signed....and then....after three years of harassment, three years of telling us we were evil because we were not his religion (which he never clued us into before at all -- I had no idea), and three years of threatening to kick us out and leave us homeless -- he signed the papers and then turned to me and said, "I only wanted a family." All I could think was, "THIS is how you treat people you want to be a family with?????"

Well, that's how I got into a house I couldn't afford, and MUST have this job to pay the high mortgage. I bought it from him in 2003. Now, had he said he wanted to buy me and my daughter a house, and included US in the decision making, asked us where WE would like to live, and what we would like in a home, THEN it would have been different. But he just went out, bought the house (supposedly for him), and then strong-armed us into moving in under false pretenses. Thus, the mess I'm in now and it just multiplies the stress knowing that this was never "my" house, but I still maintained it, invested a lot of equity into it to fix the roof and septic and other things. So, you see, this idyllic place I created came out of a very horrible space. I needed some solace, and I tried to create it there -- but now I need to be away from it. I hope this story helps to understand why I am anxious to sell, and also why I need to get at least the list price.

Yeah, too many things are merging at once. What I'd really like is a nice community where I can finally do some things I like -- sometimes I even forget what I like anymore with all the chaos. I love to write and I love drawing and teaching art. I guess I feel pretty gun-shy right now because I am not sure where that community is. I DO NOT want to be isolated again -- even if it is isolation with people around. It is so unhealthy. I really enjoy being around people -- I need that interaction.

I also need to see my dad who is in a nursing home back east. Although my daughter agreed to go with me, I guess I will probably have to go alone -- I wanted her to see her grampa before he died (he has Alzheimer's).

So, there are just so many things on my plate, that I feel like a waitress with a full tray and then tripping over someone's feet sticking out from under the table and everything goes flying!! And then I have to clean up the mess!

I know I need a break, I know I need to relax, I know I need to retire, however, I also know that I need enough money to do so, a place to do it in that is "affordable" (being a relative term these days), and a chance to discover "me" again. That is my wish and dream for my last chapter of my life.

Thank you again for all the great responses. I'm also encouraged by those who have gone through similar situations and are now on the other side. Sometimes, as they say, you can't see the forest for the trees.....

I'll check in later -- can't upset the boss!! (He's in a meeting.)

((((((((((All the great women here!)))))))))))))
You are quite an amazing woman Wisteria.

I have no doubt that the way will become steadily clearer as the days and weeks pass.

You must be breathing easier today knowing the job is secure, at least for now.

Wishing you well!
 
Old 06-02-2009, 06:01 PM
Status: "Could be worse" (set 21 days ago)
 
Location: Las Cruces, New Mexico
510 posts, read 1,309,221 times
Reputation: 452
Wisteria said:
"So, there are just so many things on my plate, that I feel like a waitress with a full tray and then tripping over someone's feet sticking out from under the table and everything goes flying!! And then I have to clean up the mess!"

I say:
Even after all the years that have passed since I was a waitress, bartender, etc., I still occasionally have that exact dream --except I'm the only one working that day!
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