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Old 07-05-2009, 08:22 AM
 
Location: DC Area, for now
3,517 posts, read 12,053,898 times
Reputation: 2141

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MayAngel View Post
Hello! My name is Nancy and I am very interested in moving to NM from Florida. I am 53, happily divorced, and eager to find a quiet, peaceful place to live. I currently work as an executive assistant and earn a decent living. But like so many women, I find myself nearing retirement age with no spouse, very little in the way of savings, but still capable of doing whatever I need to do to create a good retirement situation for myself. I want to fly out there and spend some time searching for the right place, but I have no clue where to begin. When I really start thinking about all that is involved, I become overwhelmed by all the questions I have and I walk away from my computer - feeling defeated. Mountainair, NM has grabbed my attention as of this morning, and I would love to hear from someone who knows a bit about the area. Thanks so much!
Blessings,
Nancy
Welcome, Nancy! There is a NM contingent here in this thread. Dancing Earth currently lives in Santa Fe. Most were focusing on Las Cruces as a landing spot.

For where to begin, I recommend some soul searching to determine the answer to these questions:
Why do you want to leave FL? What do you dislike about living in FL? What do you really like about it?
What attracts you to NM? There are many microclimates in NM. Do you seek mountains? Do you seek desert? Does the Native American subculture attract you? Is it just a less expensive area that you seek? What it has the most of is very dry air which is distinctly different from FL.

Once armed with the answers to these personal questions, then you can start looking at different places. I would recommend you look up Karcon's posts in this thread as she lives in FL and was interested in moving to NM. She also recently made a trip to see NM for herself. In the end, she discovered home right near where she lives but in a little different community and circumstances. You may or may not follow the same path, but her journey would be instructive.

A vacation to areas that look interesting would be very helpful because the reality may or may not charm as much as the idea of it or how it looks on the Internet. But keep an eye out for day to day living on your journey. Are there stores that provide the foods and things you like there? Are there things yo ulike to do there? Try to imagine how you would live there when you are 70 or 80 and a little feeble (tho you could be one of the hale and heearty 80 year olds). Is this a temporary move (you plan to move again at 60 or 70) or permanent? And start reading the NM forum to see what folks there say. Just keep in mind there is a lot of kvetching everywhere from old-timers disliking the changes that increased population and modern life has brought and they tend to blame it all on newcomers.

Good luck on your search.

 
Old 07-05-2009, 08:42 AM
 
Location: DC Area, for now
3,517 posts, read 12,053,898 times
Reputation: 2141
Quote:
Originally Posted by MN2CO View Post
- a community of women (but why stop with just women? eh? and why exclude great married people?) to act as a support group.
It is a nice thought, but the reality is that if the focus is not a specific group with commonalities, then you are right where you are now - a somewhat marginalized population of single middle-aged women in a sea of married people who do not understand our situations and who have more resources than themselves to depend on. The discussions then focus on their views and their circumstances that are often not really germane to ours.

That is not to say that friends and good people are not to be found among the couples, but their life is different from mine and they have different retirement scenarios than I do because I have only my own resources to depend upon. In addition, single women in general and especially when older, are not valued by society at large like single men and married women. We have some unique issues to deal with that married women do not and men do not. These attitudes are not fair and often are not accurate, but they are there.

A lot of our issues center on there not being commercial offerings for us (unless we have a whole lot of money). They are focused on couples and people who have lots of money to pay for the elder communities and the usual country club activities. Hence the need to find alternative paths and focus on our segment. If we don't then we are stuck in the exact same situation we are in now and will find no solutions that ffit our needs and wants. The larger population of couples will overwhelm our needs and we get no solutions to our situations.

One of the things that makes this thread so valuable is that most of us are terminally single by circumstance or choice and do not expect or seek to find a life partner at this stage of our lives. We are not really looking very much or at all and fully expect to continue to live our lives as single women. And we are happy with that. If someone comes along, then most of us would explore that, but it isn't the focus of our lives or our plans.
 
Old 07-05-2009, 08:49 AM
 
2,627 posts, read 4,953,885 times
Reputation: 2225
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tesaje View Post
It is a nice thought, but the reality is that if the focus is not a specific group with commonalities, then you are right where you are now - a somewhat marginalized population of single middle-aged women in a sea of married people who do not understand our situations and who have more resources than themselves to depend on. The discussions then focus on their views and their circumstances that are often not really germane to ours.

That is not to say that friends and good people are not to be found among the couples, but their life is different from mine and they have different retirement scenarios than I do because I have only my own resources to depend upon. In addition, single women in general and especially when older, are not valued by society at large like single men and married women. We have some unique issues to deal with that married women do not and men do not. These attitudes are not fair and often are not accurate, but they are there.

A lot of our issues center on there not being commercial offerings for us (unless we have a whole lot of money). They are focused on couples and people who have lots of money to pay for the elder communities and the usual country club activities. Hence the need to find alternative paths and focus on our segment. If we don't then we are stuck in the exact same situation we are in now and will find no solutions that ffit our needs and wants. The larger population of couples will overwhelm our needs and we get no solutions to our situations.

One of the things that makes this thread so valuable is that most of us are terminally single by circumstance or choice and do not expect or seek to find a life partner at this stage of our lives. We are not really looking very much or at all and fully expect to continue to live our lives as single women. And we are happy with that. If someone comes along, then most of us would explore that, but it isn't the focus of our lives or our plans.
I totally agree!
 
Old 07-05-2009, 09:20 AM
'M'
 
Location: Glendale Country Club
1,818 posts, read 2,615,418 times
Reputation: 2546
Hello, lovely ladies and beautiful people ....I have followed this thread for a while. The posts here have made me think about what I want to do for the rest of my life. It is so great to 'rub shoulders' with women who are in the same stage of life as I am, and who are exploring positive change.

One of my girl friends has begun doing the same. We realized that we are forging a new frontier for women. Armed with this new tool: anything is possible....is very exciting ...to be an explorer in a New Land.

What became apparent to me...and was a great surprise ...was that I have decided to begin drawing my social security earlier than I ever thought I would. Same with my girl friend.

Here is a salute to abundant new ideas and friendly brainstorming.

Happy Posting!!!
 
Old 07-05-2009, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,954 posts, read 7,395,135 times
Reputation: 16288
Tesaje - I totally agree with you onj the issue that single women are not valued the same as married - I have some excellent examples of that in my own family (the oddball, well, if she thinks she's too good for "just any man" - actually, I am too good for "just any man", etc...). However, there are single men out there that probably feel the same way. I'm not suggesting men so we can be a part of the casserole club and beat each up trying to win his heart (), but, personally, I like the diversity. I grew up with all boys so maybe I relate to them well (well, sometimes). There have been married ladies on this forum (maybe we chased them all away) that I would love to spend time with. I need diversity - all of anything isn't good and my experience with women is that there is usally a queen bee that wants to call the shots - I don't react well to that - I'm very independent, left my mother a long time ago and don't need another one. I don't think I've ever been in a setting where it was all or mostly women where there wasn't constant conflict and drama. An example: I was involved with animal rescue group that was 98% women. I decided to take a break for awhile for a lot of reasons - when talking to another volunteer I said "Just wait - there's going to be trouble here, it's not if it's just when. Sure enough, this woman calls me few months later and the whole place went nuts. Several resigned, so & so isn't talking to so & so - and on it went. By the time I went back to help out again, 50% of the members were gone - and I got an ear full, surprise - surprise. A real circus - and very much expected. This has been my experience in the workplace as well. I usually sit and watch - high shool or even grade school behavior. I've seen the men get in on that too - the ones that are scared to death of these women -but hopefully, some will be able to resist any temptation. I'm looking for peace - not turmoil. I' not interested in going from corporate America to something similar. It's one thing to communicate on this board, it's a whole different matter to live side by side. Again, it's not about finding someone to latch onto - I find the desperation thing quite embarrassing. It's about having different - shall we call it hormones?

Also, with a majority or at least 50% singles, I can't see any one group taking over - although some will try.
 
Old 07-05-2009, 09:44 AM
 
Location: Winter Park FL
205 posts, read 360,055 times
Reputation: 378
[quote='M';9609568]

What became apparent to me...and was a great surprise ...was that I have decided to begin drawing my social security earlier than I ever thought I would. Same with my girl friend.

I ended up doing the same thing finding myself in circumstances I hadn't expected. I did the math - take it at 62 with lower monthly income or wait until 66 and have a higher monthly income. If I waited, I calculated the amount of money I would not have coming in over the next four years; and how long it would take (getting the higher rate) to recoup the loss. Answer? About 16 years!!! That was a no brainer to me.
 
Old 07-05-2009, 10:33 AM
 
Location: DC Area, for now
3,517 posts, read 12,053,898 times
Reputation: 2141
Quote:
Originally Posted by MN2CO View Post
Tesaje - I totally agree with you onj the issue that single women are not valued the same as married - I have some excellent examples of that in my own family (the oddball, well, if she thinks she's too good for "just any man" - actually, I am too good for "just any man", etc...). However, there are single men out there that probably feel the same way. I'm not suggesting men so we can be a part of the casserole club and beat each up trying to win his heart (), but, personally, I like the diversity. I grew up with all boys so maybe I relate to them well (well, sometimes). There have been married ladies on this forum (maybe we chased them all away) that I would love to spend time with. I need diversity - all of anything isn't good and my experience with women is that there is usally a queen bee that wants to call the shots - I don't react well to that - I'm very independent, left my mother a long time ago and don't need another one. I don't think I've ever been in a setting where it was all or mostly women where there wasn't constant conflict and drama. An example: I was involved with animal rescue group that was 98% women. I decided to take a break for awhile for a lot of reasons - when talking to another volunteer I said "Just wait - there's going to be trouble here, it's not if it's just when. Sure enough, this woman calls me few months later and the whole place went nuts. Several resigned, so & so isn't talking to so & so - and on it went. By the time I went back to help out again, 50% of the members were gone - and I got an ear full, surprise - surprise. A real circus - and very much expected. This has been my experience in the workplace as well. I usually sit and watch - high shool or even grade school behavior. I've seen the men get in on that too - the ones that are scared to death of these women -but hopefully, some will be able to resist any temptation. I'm looking for peace - not turmoil. I' not interested in going from corporate America to something similar. It's one thing to communicate on this board, it's a whole different matter to live side by side. Again, it's not about finding someone to latch onto - I find the desperation thing quite embarrassing. It's about having different - shall we call it hormones?

Also, with a majority or at least 50% singles, I can't see any one group taking over - although some will try.
I grew up with mostly brothers too. On top of that, I've spent my career in a field dominated by men. I can tell you, men also get the queen bee syndrome and on top of that many of them also simply dominate because they are men. They think they are entitled to it. Not all, but plenty to make life both miserable and stupid. Social dominators come in both sexes and while they make things happen, they also make bad things happen. It is just this human trait that makes me leary of communes and communal living. Most people there may be nice, fair, considerate, and wonderful, but all it takes is one of these to disrupt the whole endeavor. And social dominators look for opportunities to be the big fish in a small pond. In retirement, I very much look forward to not having to grin and bear it with these types of people. Any I encounter, I can walk away from and keep my own life peaceful. The trouble is that in almost any group, the social dominators maneuver and disrupt for their own benefit and take advantage of the good nature of the majority of people. A majority does not help a lot unless they all see what is happening and throw the disrupter out. That rarely happens, tho, because nice people like to give others the benefit of the doubt and have a hard time believing that the disrupter is as bad as they really are. Your own story shows this. It just isn't limited to women by any means.

But again, the point of this thread and the possible book is how single, middle-aged women plow our path thru this phase of life and especially if we choose to move to a new location. Married people have lots of things set up for them. We do not unless it is some singles thing to hunt for men.
 
Old 07-05-2009, 10:55 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,982,141 times
Reputation: 15649
Re: women and men and marrieds and singles and in-betweens


I have never seen the forum/threads as a social group. I see them as a place to share and get information and to offer each other support as we need it. I get concerned sometimes that a thread may be turning into a club of just a few people responding to each other, and that can go on for pages. While this is often interesting for others to read, i can see how many, many readers out in cyberspace would not join in (we know the numbers reading the threads, as we can see the number of "reads" each person gets...by the way, I always wondered how those "reads" are calculated, as when you read one post, you are reading a whole pageful!).

Anyway, the way I see it is that few people would either BOTHER getting onto this thread and others like the "Retiring on a Shoestring" unless they're more than mildly interested in the posts. There are thousands of other things to do with one's time!

There are couples and single males (believe me, I know them!) who are in similar circumstances as ours. While some wouldn't necessarily want to hear "couples stories" each couple really is composed of individuals. How many married folks out there are acting on their own interests and concerns, b/c they may be facing or contemplating a separation, divorce, or other kind of terminatoin to their relationship? These people, though "coupled," may give us some great ideas and share their concerns...as long as they stick to the topic the OP (Wisteria) set up..."Women" retiring alone, where will you go and why." Also remember what the statistics say about women ending up alone....there may be actually a higher rate of women ending up alone through the death of their spouses than women now alone who may find someone in older age and voila! become a couple.

It might be a good idea to branch off and create a few new threads that would openly welcome couples, males, etc. Not all would be in adverse retirement circumstances...for that scenario, see the gender-free, relationship-status-free "Retiring on a Literal Shoestring."

Last edited by RiverBird; 07-05-2009 at 11:19 AM..
 
Old 07-05-2009, 11:11 AM
Status: "Could be worse" (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: Las Cruces, New Mexico
510 posts, read 1,309,505 times
Reputation: 452
Quote:
Originally Posted by MN2CO View Post
Have you ever experienced water torture
Wisteria's not fine, and she's really struggling right now. Lets all send her positive thoughts and feedback.
 
Old 07-05-2009, 11:15 AM
 
Location: DC Area, for now
3,517 posts, read 12,053,898 times
Reputation: 2141
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Re: women and men and marrieds and singles and in-betweens

I have never seen the forum/threads as a social group. I see them as a place to share and get information. I get concerned sometimes that a thread may be turning into a club of just a few people responding to each other, and that can go on for pages. While this is often interesting for others to read, i can see how many, many readers out in cyberspace would not join in (we know the numbers reading the threads, as we can see the number of "reads" each person gets...by the way, I always wondered how those "reads" are calculated, as when you read one post, you are reading a whole pageful!).
I understand your point, but the TOS specifically tell us to stick to the thread topic. It makes for better organization in a forum that is pretty free-wheeling and makes it so readers can get more out of them than if they wander all over the place. Indeed, that is one of the major flaws of the social groups - they wander all over the place with no organization at all in a single thread. That is why the subject headed ones tend not to be active after a while. They are pretty much the same as the forums but all topics are under a single thread. It is hard to follow.

By all means, start other threads that focus on other aspects that may be more inclusive of men and marrieds as your shoestring thread is. But given the longevity and strength of this thread, there doesn't seem to be much chance of it being too exclusive. Rather it shows how many women there are out there in just the microcosm of City-Data that have an interest in this subject. And among the subjects examined within this thread is how single, middle aged women of modest means might form communities for their elder lives. There are plenty of other threads that do not have this thread's interest that examine the many communities made for marrieds and singles who are looking or want the 55+ lifestyle. The common topic is single women (whether contemplating it or in that situation a long time) handle moving for retirement.

I can tell you, that if this thread had wandered off to be how married people retire or women who are on the hunt might find their quarry as was attempted early on, it would have died and I would not still be here.
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