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Old 12-13-2009, 04:34 PM
 
Location: zippidy doo dah
895 posts, read 1,332,576 times
Reputation: 1928

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oh - i meant to mention

santa cruz - you might want to join the wisteria and nancy club - they know ALL about santa cruz

and you asked about retirement age separations, yes, been there, am there. 57 1/2 and starting anew. a very long process so your comment that once you leave, you are not going back - HOLD TO THAT! - i have allowed the separation process way too much time and while i learned a lot about myself and worked many things out during that time, it took a tremendous toll and in the end, all my efforts to be kind or financially-responsible or outwardly-motivated did not make the situation one bit better nor any easier for anyone. It just dragged things out pointlessly for everyone. On the other hand, having a migraine, a yeast infection, the flu and all those nasty things that go bump in the night do serve as a reminder how good life is when everything is normal!

 
Old 12-13-2009, 06:16 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,745 posts, read 4,221,259 times
Reputation: 6866
Hi Francella,

It sounds like you are certain that you will divorce your spouse. I'm not going to go into the crazy stuff...happens often after a long marriage. However, regardless of your expectations regarding finances - don't forget that CA is a community property state while VA is an equitable property state. Try to figure out which state will offer you the most protection in case things don't go as expected.

I don't mean to rain on your parade, it's just that after practicing family law in Maryland (another equitable property state),I've heard it all. I should write a book! I'll leave the encouragement, etc. to the strong women on this board - they are a tremendous source of support, have lots of life experience, and will get you started in the right direction.
 
Old 12-13-2009, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Two Rivers, Wisconsin
11,723 posts, read 11,555,061 times
Reputation: 12484
Hi, Everyone! Just catching up on the posts seeing how everyone is doing! I can relate to so many of the posts, about moving cold turkey, taking an early retirement, changing directions!

I've been in Wisc. since Fall of '07, so this is my 3rd winter here! Funny how time flies by! My sister lives 180 miles north of me so I was there for Thanksgiving and we were both surprised about the great weather! Of course, now that has changed and December has reminded us about winter after all!

I've decided I need to get out more so I joined the senior center. I'm 62 so why not, $10.00 a year! I'm taking advantage of the yoga, silver sneakers and other exercise classes. I'm also going to a few lunch/play bus trips in Jan. and Feb. (Cats and Mama Mia).

I may help with an office project they have. Something I can do on my own time frame. They have manuals they put together to be sent to other senior centers around the country called "Breakfast for Your Brain". I think they started it and now other centers are interested in holding the classes.

OK, I'm done, just thought I'd say, Hi, and good luck to those retiring soon, those in the "do I stay or do I go" stage, take your time and be sure of what you really want to do!
 
Old 12-14-2009, 07:45 AM
 
Location: Winter Park FL
205 posts, read 360,162 times
Reputation: 378
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
What this forum does is keep a candle lit by those who've done it for those that haven't yet been able to.
What an absolutely beautiful and perfect way to describe this thread. It is a candle in the window to know that we are not alone, to bounce ideas off of, to share our stories, our successes, and our failures. It gives us hope and courage to move forward!
 
Old 12-14-2009, 07:56 AM
 
Location: Winter Park FL
205 posts, read 360,162 times
Reputation: 378
Welcome, Francella;

Finding this post for me was a life line. You couldn't find a better place for sharing and asking questions. I agree with the others' comments - take things slow, rent first before making any big decisions, find your own path and rediscover your "Shirley Valentine."
 
Old 12-15-2009, 02:09 PM
 
Location: LA
305 posts, read 822,964 times
Reputation: 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wisteria View Post
As some of you know from following my posts, I am planning on retiring alone, but in a different area from where I am now (California) due to the costs.

I am curious if there are other single/divorced/widowed women out there considering relocating to another area by themselves, and if so to where, and why that location?

I am very torn about where to go. I love the sunshine and dry weather -- factors in my choices. I also want a social network, and am an eastcoaster, originally, and am wondering if I should reconsider the eastcoast because it seems more social. It will also just be my retirement income (it's just me!), and so lower costs, rather than higher, are important.

I'm not really old enough for the senior centers, as I've noticed they seem to be more filled with the 70 and over crowd. Therefore, since I am still lively and young at heart, I am looking for a place where older singles still mingle. I am searching out places that may work for a single retired woman. (I am 59 right now, but plan to try to stick it out here a few more years, if possible.)

I have diverse interests, moderate politics (Independent), and write, play a little piano for myself, draw, and teach art. I'm a social worker by trade, but would like to be involved in more activities and volunteering that would be "fun" oriented. I love hiking -- that is one of my favorite pursuits. I also adore cooking. I have a dog and three cats. I am also not religious, although I guess the term "Spiritual" would apply. My daughter will be in college, but also studying abroad, so she and I will not be in the same city.

I'd love to hear what others think about this situation. Thanks!
Wisteria
-------------------------------
I am your age and plan to work til I drop.

I keep seeing people retire too soon and, living longer than expcted, are having to return to work having dropped off the radar screen in their chosen professions.

So, if you are going to retire young, please be sure that you have saved oodles and oodles of money, and that you have affordable excellent health coverage.
Make sure you can move your coverage if you leave CA. Do not take anything for granted.

Go to a college town so you can stay educated and young.

Other than that I have no opinions on the matter.
:-) Good luck!
 
Old 12-15-2009, 02:29 PM
 
Location: Reston
13 posts, read 17,043 times
Reputation: 36
Hello Everyone:

I can't begin to say to you how grateful I am for the wonderful replies I got to my first post. To know that I'm not alone, and to see the breadth of intelligence and wisdom and understanding here meant a lot to me. There's much more I want to say, but right now time is limited. So I will be back, but it's been a couple of days since I got so much from you that I wanted to say thanks.

See ya all soon
Francella
 
Old 12-15-2009, 02:37 PM
 
Location: Monterey Bay, California -- watching the sea lions, whales and otters! :D
1,918 posts, read 6,243,209 times
Reputation: 2646
Quote:
Stuffavail: I am your age and plan to work til I drop.

I keep seeing people retire too soon and, living longer than expcted, are having to return to work having dropped off the radar screen in their chosen professions.

So, if you are going to retire young, please be sure that you have saved oodles and oodles of money, and that you have affordable excellent health coverage.
Make sure you can move your coverage if you leave CA. Do not take anything for granted.

Go to a college town so you can stay educated and young.

Other than that I have no opinions on the matter.
:-) Good luck!
Welcome to our thread. This thread has been going for so long, and so many great women here, that can you believe from the post you copied onto yours when I was 59, that I am now 62??? And still working!

I don't have a "chosen" profession for now -- right now I am just working for the money/pension. I teach art at night, and that is my favorite job. I plan to increase my teaching once I retire. My health benefits are from my county job, so, yes, they do move with me. And, I guess you didn't read through the posts (I know there are a lot of them, but it's an on-going story, and quite interesting characters, I must admit!), I do mention that I am settled in Santa Cruz, California, which IS a large college town!!

As for oodles and oodles of money, no I don't have that, but if one lives beneath their means, and can pay their monthly bills, I think that's fine. Being in a oceanfront town means that I get to enjoy the beauty of the environment for free instead of paying oodles of money to visit!

Besides, longevity (at least with a mind) isn't big in my family, so I'm not too worried about having a 100th birthday party!

At one point, I think some of us thought we would work 'til we dropped, and then something happened. In some cases jobs go away, in other cases people get injured, in other cases....well, there are lots of variables.

So, since you haven't had the chance to peruse all the posts, you would have followed my journey from California, to New Mexico, back to California! Little did I know I would end up in that college town by the sea!

I think I'm set -- thanks for the input, and I hope you get a chance to read through the posts -- it's a very interesting and supportive group of women here!! Yayyyy!
 
Old 12-19-2009, 12:37 PM
 
Location: Reston
13 posts, read 17,043 times
Reputation: 36
Default Snowy Day

Today, it's snowing heavily here in N. VA/DC; blizzard conditions until about 6-7:00pm. Quite a mess, and a hard day for shop owners who count on sales on this last Saturday before Christmas.

I am having a very non-Christmas this year...no plans, no trips...as it's all rather awkward with my husband and I planning on splitting as soon as we sell our home. For some reason I don't feel terribly lonely or sad about a non-Christmas...in a way it's a relief not to have to pretend a joy I'm not feeling...and it was fun to shop and mail off the packages to my grandchildren.

But, I must be depressed since I don't want to do much, like holiday cooking, Christmas cards (they'll be email cards this year), clean out my closets and bureaus, empty out unneeded paperwork, sort through the many CD's and all, to be taking steps to move on; instead I escape into the internet or reading books. (I'm so glad I have found this site and read what others are going through, and have done.)

Sometimes I look forward to the coming change; to be away from his abusive words and the hurts; other times I get a bit fearful, but when I compare it to how's it's been with my husband, I realize how much better off I'll be mentally and emotionally. He has been acting very nicey-nice, but when I reminded him, the other day, to remember to keep the porch light on after dark, as we do, he immediately snarled and turned on me. He has so much anger, an abusive temper, so many personal disappointments and doesn't want to resolve them. After all, he proclaims it's all my fault. He uses the words "always", "never", "all the time" alot; has honestly proclaimed to me (and I think he believes) he has never had anything to apologize about.

I understand and thoroughly accept that most marriages fall apart because of both parties; I've certainly have my faults, but I still need vent about him.

He has a son from his first marriage, who is 42, has been married and divorced 3 times, has one child aged 10 (a girl). His name is Bern. Bern has many personal problems, probably, shrinks have said, from some type of personality disorder. Bern and his father have been at odds for many years, with a few beaks for friendship from time to time. Bern lives in California and my husband will be moving near to him...and it's his hope that he and his son will work things out and become close. I am fearful my spouse has ballooned his hopes up unrealistically regarding a close relationship with his son, and is going to find himself heartbroken over Bern, once again.

I have also reached out to my husband and offered to talk about what when wrong with us and how we slid into this situation. It seems to me that if you can talk, come to some resolution it will make going forward easier for both of us (not to resolve anything so we can be together; I don't want that at all). But he got angry, red in the face, stating that the past the past and he doesn't need to look at, discuss or resolve anything.

To me it's healthier to sort it all out, and I'm angry that we won't be doing this together. But, this is one of our (IMHO) problems: his refusal to almost ever discuss why we had a disagreement or argument, and why we handled it the way we did, and my eventual acceptance of that, being tired and worn down from those confrontations. I think a great deal of our anger and the loss of love comes from not having resolutions to differences so our relationship could have grown. And, now he seems, to me, to be weak, shallow, so afraid, and in terrible denial. And, I, too, am and have been weak and afraid; tired of confrontations so I finally gave up on trying to resolve.

There were signs along the way, and I hate that I didn't take action, shutting my eyes to what I knew, that things wouldn't get better without this cooperation, and that I couldn't make it better, myself. How has 34 years gone by and I'm still here?

Everything seemed so solid and real when we married. It was a second marriage for both of us, and we took our time. I ask myself over and over, was it solid? Why didn't I look at our lover's quarrels more closely? Why didn't I look at his family more closely? In hindsight some of the signs were there...the problems his parents had; other family members with emotion/mental problems (none were hospitalized, but had difficult lives).

His brother was so ill he often wouldn't come out of his room for weeks on end; wouldn't work (except for the time we employed him in our family-owned business for a few years); always lived and mooched off his parents, close only to his mother since his father wouldn't have helped him except for the mother's intervention. I just believed what they said, that it was due to PTSD due to the Viet Nam war (he was a vet).

Even if I didn't know enough about those problems when I married him, surely I did in later years; why didn't I read the signs and leave. There were times I could have, and didn't.

But, it's also true that my husband has changed, as have I. Age and experience does that. He's not who I married, and I miss that man. Once an active, interesting, and fun person now (both for a few years before retirement and now after retirement) he spends his days and nights watching TV, eating, sleeping, a bit of internet surfing, going to the grocery store, or going out to eat. No male friends to socialize with. That's it. It certainly can't be all me that has caused this. For awhile I, and his doctor, with some effort got him to take lexapro, and it was like the real man was back. And, I miss that person so much. He claimed he had side effects and wouldn't continue.

Now, I have to try to forgive myself for my fears, inactions and idiocy, and that's harder than breaking up...facing yourself, your negative contributions, as well as the positive things age and experience have given you.

Sometimes I wonder if children are trained to take abuse, accept fault as adults, if they've had (which, I did), a physical and emotionally abusive childhood? After my first divorce I got a lot of therapy and grew tremendously in strength and confidence. I felt really good about and within myself. Still I fell back and accepted treatment I once vowed I'd never accept again.

Well, thanks for allowing me to go on and on and on; sometimes it's nice to know you can rant and someone will actually read it and care.
 
Old 12-19-2009, 02:07 PM
 
Location: Reston
13 posts, read 17,043 times
Reputation: 36
Default Choices

[quote=Wisteria;10662815]Great posts by Triciajeanne and Brightdoglover!

Quote:
At least we feel we have choices, whereas I have met women who did not feel that way they truly believed that they were stuck and very unhappy.
Choices! It's so easy to forget we have them. We (I) can get stuck, trying to make something impossible work...and then the words of a shrink I know finally come to mind...he said we always have choices, even if some seem crazy or impossible.

I have found, recently, that this was, again, TRUE. My husband and I are separating once we have our house sold - it is not easy to sell now, is is time-consuming in this market, and hard to share this place.

We had an argument awhile ago and I was feeling stuck and miserable..."when will this house EVER sell so I can get away?" Money is tight, and I am careful...but the liquid assets are mostly available to me. I searched my choices...went and told my husband that if he didn't quit the bullying, I'd move NOW, he could stay and sell the house, and I'd use savings to pay for my rent and tough luck if there wasn't any left over for him. Da--, if it didn't work.

That day I felt good; and I'm trying to remember CHOICES...and the strength they give me. Other things are bothering me now, but I try to keep choices open.
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