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Old 06-10-2010, 11:59 PM
 
Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA
121 posts, read 253,897 times
Reputation: 386

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Little Dolphin, I dreamed your dream! Funny thing, Coney Is Babe, I just Googled some homes for sale near Grants Pass last night. Gee, I wonder if I'd feel too isolated living off the grid in the middle of the forest? I had a friend who lived in Merlin on the Rouge River, OR. I thought the place was magical! Many would have garage sales on the weekends and use them as a "meet and greet." It wasn't far to all the small city amenities of Grants Pass. It had that laid back old "hippie-artist" vibe that I so like. As far as tax burdens and cost of living go, my exhaustive research has lead me to the conclusion every state will get your money one way or another! Some more then others! So, I crossed the highest tax burden and cost of living states off the list and Oregon was still standing. After all my research, Panama is starting to look pretty good! I wouldn't have even considered becoming an expat till my daughter finally responded to my E-mail two nights ago, telling me why she doesn't want any contact with me. After two days of depression, I felt a sense of release. She told me what I already knew in my heart. Although she was only two when I divorced my abusive husband, (Something i have never told her) she has never forgiven me. She maintained a close relationship with his family, and apparently they ran a very effective smear campaign. She's convinced that I'm the devil incarnate! I was kind of sticking around this area in hopes that she would come to her senses and invite me into her life. After 18 years of waiting, she has set me free. So, the world is my doggie dish and for this woman of modest means, I will go where the doggies roam free! I'll no longer compromise my dreams hanging on the hopes that siblings and offspring will invite me into their lives just because I live in the vicinity. I'm not going to agonize about having a home large enough to accomidate family visits that probably will never come about. All I need is two bedrooms, one for me and one for a "woman retiring alone" with her dogs who happens to be passing through my neck of the woods. I'm sad but I'll work thru it. A change will do me good.

 
Old 06-11-2010, 06:01 AM
 
Location: zippidy doo dah
895 posts, read 1,332,576 times
Reputation: 1928
[quote=flyingscot47;14555382]seen so many women in the same boat as myself. Much as I love my daughter she is like so many of her age (27) completely wrapped up in her own life--probably just like I was at the same age lol and I fear that were I to move closer I would see her just as often as I did when I lived in the same town--and then it was usually money related.=now as she is struggling with the terrible two's I fear it would "Hi Mummy---heres your grandson" Of course I will always be there forher but I feel after loosing my mum it is now my turn to make a new life for myself I feel like such a bad Nana for not just picking myself up and moving back to Sacramento. but in my heart of hearts I know it isnt the place for me emotionally or financially--besides my ex-husband lives there and although it is a big town--what with certain family events we are bound to meet..
I hope i have not rambled on too long. I am still getting the hang of posting on this Forum so please bear with me. I have truly been inspired and encouraged by all the stories here--something I wish my daughter and I shared but as my cousin in Oz said "you cant put an old head on young shoulders". Thank you for listening.[/quote

Flyingscot! you have likely nailed the "song" of many mothers - I've always said that the relationship of parent to child usually involves more giving on the part of the parent and more obliviousness or taking on the part of the child, even as they age. Maybe there's a point it shifts but oft as not, when it does, the grown child probably is a bit "put out" at the demands of now being sandwiched between two dependent generations. I realize there are exceptions to all of this but it seems to be more the norm.

With that said, my ah-ha over the past several months has involved that desire to be close to family and be available and the realization that I have already done motherhood etc and there were good times and bad times and that in all due reality, I am ready to "have my own life". Many of us likely struggle with the scarlet letter of being a "bad nana". When i read facebook comments and everyone "ewing and awing" about grandkids/talking about all the cruises they take with "dh" etc and so on, I honestly feel like i must be the ice princess because i cringe. I'm far from anti-babies and marriage etc but I really really want some "me" time/girlfriend time/puppy dog time/etc and so on. I want to carry me and no one else for a while - and like you, yes, I'd be there in a heartbeat for a NEED/but i don't want to be a service provider. If I did, i'd get a job in day care/elder care/dog care whatever. I desire more equal relationships these days. don't wanna be anyone's mama-that goes for male relationships as well!!

I figured that if I stepped back into the role of "mom's here", disappointments that existed "back in the day" would just rear their head again - they already dump their crises on me via phone on any given day and I often think maybe i should screen my cell phone calls........ - may i hasten again to say that i didn't have a wretched time being a mother and a wife - it was wonderful in many many ways - i just need to meet myself again, the person who was somewhat "checked" at the coat closet a long time ago.

and that's when i said to myself, "what do i like?" and that is really hard to separate from "what would my family like? what would make them happier? what would make it easier for them as parents of kids? as the child of an aging parent? etc and so on" - even "what would be best for My own parents?" - it's taken a lot of thinking time. I offer regularly options to my family/that's just my nature but the resulting "still wondering" feeling has made me shift to that "what do i like/want" mode. Maybe that was the part of the process that I, and some others, might need to consider. releasing myself from expectations has allowed me to grow.

so with that, best to you on your quest for "place" - i'm somewhat a newbie to it all too and have marvelled at past posts and the journey of all.
 
Old 06-11-2010, 06:07 AM
 
Location: zippidy doo dah
895 posts, read 1,332,576 times
Reputation: 1928
a quick note - so enjoying the many posts going back and forth here just now - we are a creative bunch!! dolphin's dream a delight! theme songs, etc - so many opportunities.................
NEG - the house is a possible rental I'm looking at/and yes, it is very 'south" - lovely old turn of the century neighborhood. it might cause me to park here for a while instead of taking to the road to explore! sometimes you find what you are looking for doesn't require you to go very far
 
Old 06-11-2010, 06:56 AM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,628 posts, read 39,998,659 times
Reputation: 23785
Quote:
Originally Posted by triciajeanne View Post
.... this particular place in a nice historic neighborhood/850.00/first floor/
that bathroom shower looks ideal for your stature, I had one like that once, but the angle was a step that meant only use was for a 'backwards' bath. (Ouch, spout in the back!). Yours looks much more user friendly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by triciajeanne View Post
... Much as I love my daughter she is like so many of her age (27) completely wrapped up in her own life--... I often think maybe i should screen my cell phone calls........ This is why our kids only txt, right? quite convenient (just like a cat... only on MY terms) ... being a mother and a wife - it was wonderful in many many ways - i just need to meet myself again, the person who was somewhat "checked" at the coat closet a long time ago. I trust you will enjoy yourself, once you meet the new / old you

and that's when i said to myself, "what do i like?" and that is really hard to separate from "what would my family like? what would make them happier? what would make it easier for them as parents of kids? as the child of an aging parent? etc and so on" - even "what would be best for My own parents?" - it's taken a lot of thinking time. ...
too much thinking for me, I'm not there yet, I will stay tuned to your frequency

Quote:
Originally Posted by triciajeanne View Post
... the house is a possible rental I'm looking at/and yes, it is very 'south" - lovely old turn of the century neighborhood. it might cause me to park here for a while instead of taking to the road to explore! sometimes you find what you are looking for doesn't require you to go very far
best wishes on your choice, I hope your porch is filled with peaceful memories, dreams, and good reading and conversation. And you find fresh veggies and flowers there frequently.
 
Old 06-11-2010, 07:41 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic east coast
5,372 posts, read 9,869,967 times
Reputation: 10243
Seems to me, that for those of us without close family connections (for whatever reasons and distance or emotional), our community of friends becomes just that much more important and pivotal in our lives. I tend to prattle on and on about community but our "family of choice" can come to be our warm connections to our brother and sister humans...

Isn't it quite wonderful that we can get to choose those in our 'family of choice' rather than get stuck by 'accident/happenstance of birth'? And I'm saying this with tongue firmly in cheek and a wink. But to be serious, you all are turning out to be my far-flung and extended family of good-hearted women!! We grow, like the flowers, and increase in numbers and beauty.

Stealth Rabbit, what a lovely wish you sent to us:

"I hope your porch is filled with peaceful memories, dreams, and good reading and conversation. And you find fresh veggies and flowers there frequently."

Exactly so!!
 
Old 06-11-2010, 08:41 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,988,950 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tesaje View Post
I was thinking Mt. Shasta for the food, bistros, coffee, artists. An old hippy's paradise.
is this a line for the lyrics?
 
Old 06-11-2010, 08:50 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,988,950 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairwinds View Post
I'll no longer compromise my dreams hanging on the hopes that siblings and offspring will invite me into their lives just because I live in the vicinity. I'm not going to agonize about having a home large enough to accomidate family visits that probably will never come about. All I need is two bedrooms, one for me and one for a "woman retiring alone" with her dogs who happens to be passing through my neck of the woods. I'm sad but I'll work thru it. A change will do me good.
This is such a powerful paragraph. I feel the same way about my sisters, whom I love but we lead such radically different lifestyles that we're not often comfortable in each others' company, though I am hugely more tolerant than they. As women getting older, I believe we need close companionship througj friends, even though I know the pitfall of depending on friends! But we need to learn tolerance and patience for our companiions so we can age with a common sense of history and personal needs. Someone needs to write a book about this.
 
Old 06-11-2010, 09:13 AM
 
Location: SoCal desert
8,093 posts, read 13,240,703 times
Reputation: 14870
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairwinds View Post
Little Dolphin, I dreamed your dream! Funny thing, Coney Is Babe, I just Googled some homes for sale near Grants Pass last night. Gee, I wonder if I'd feel too isolated living off the grid in the middle of the forest? I had a friend who lived in Merlin on the Rouge River, OR. I thought the place was magical! Many would have garage sales on the weekends and use them as a "meet and greet." It wasn't far to all the small city amenities of Grants Pass. It had that laid back old "hippie-artist" vibe that I so like. As far as tax burdens and cost of living go, my exhaustive research has lead me to the conclusion every state will get your money one way or another! Some more then others! So, I crossed the highest tax burden and cost of living states off the list and Oregon was still standing.
Fairwinds - You might want to also look into the White Mountains and the Rim Country of Northern Arizona. No desert. Lots of pine trees. Four seasons. Show Low, Lakeside/Pinetop, Heber/Overgaard, Pine/Strawberry, Payson and lots more tucked away ...

And property taxes are less than Oregon. Total tax burden by state (US Avg 9.7%) Arizona is 8.5% (#41), Oregon is 9.4 (#26).
 
Old 06-11-2010, 09:25 AM
 
Location: SoCal desert
8,093 posts, read 13,240,703 times
Reputation: 14870
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
I was thinking today that this thread needs a theme song. I think we should have a contest for lyrics about a woman looking for the right place to land at a certain age, and get some of you composers to set it to a tune. Any takers? Then we can form a chorus to sing the songs, cut an album and go on the Oprah show.
I immediately thought of the tunes ...

"When I'm 64"

"With a Little Help From My Friends"

"Take This Job & Shove It"

 
Old 06-11-2010, 09:32 AM
 
Location: Sarasota Florida
1,236 posts, read 3,609,773 times
Reputation: 1230
My favorite lyrics and the ultimate theme song is ~~~ IMAGINE
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