U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 08-03-2010, 06:18 PM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,954 posts, read 7,396,297 times
Reputation: 16288

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wisteria View Post
Of course it relates to retiring alone! Part of the process is who becomes a friend? With whom do you hang out?? "False friends," I know too well. YES, drop them and then take a class or volunteer for free someplace. What you're describing is "enabling," and that is feeding into those false friendships. Once you let go of them, you'll find more time on your hands, and as long as you stay away, then you will begin to fill that time with other people -- better people.

This doesn't mean we don't help a friend out or anything, but what it does mean is that we expect to get something back, too. That is what is important. I am tired of being the one who "does" the work, and someone else benefits. You shouldn't be afraid to let go.
I always want to be able to help a friend in need, but no users & abusers (thank you very much).

I've discovered several 1 way relationships and wondered why, after 20-30 years, I am just now saying "ew...".

Latashia - if you're anything like me, you play the events of the day/week over in your head - sometimes many times, especially negative encounters. These are called ANTS - Automatic Negative Thoughts and these can and will affect your thinking and your health. No better reason to rid yourself of toxic people.

As Dr Phil always says (yes, I said DR PHIL!), "I'd rather be happy alone than sick with someone else."

We need to get Latashia out to a meetup (westward-ho). Maybe we can have a bake sale or something to get the $$ for a plane ticket


It's really hot hot hot today (94F) with 74% humidity ( that's tropical). Time for a cool bath - see ya!!

 
Old 08-03-2010, 06:50 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,985,208 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by TRosa View Post
I don't have much to add at the moment, just that you all continue to enforce my good thoughts and great wishes for you all to find happiness; be it in a new location or in the place you already call home. Not everyone has to change locations to not be stagnant.

For those that wondered if I'd gone off the deep end with the earlier post; it was just a response to some nameless person that decided to reprimand me for my usage of Cali instead of CA for California. Telling me Cali was a city in Columbia, so I should stick with using CA if I must use an abreviated version. I have nothing but warm fuzzy wishes for that person. Thank, you for edumacating me.

OK, back to being a grown up. I am happy everyone continues to share their stories, I think we all learn so much from the exchanges.
Editorial standard: CA is the abbreviation for postal with zip codes.
In text, it is Calif. You weren't far off...
 
Old 08-03-2010, 06:57 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,985,208 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by Windwalker2 View Post
I came to the conclusion that I would not be able to sell my house now, for anything near what it cost to build, which I needed to get to build another one in Colorado where I wanted to move. I have special needs due to my chemical injury disability and am unlikely to ever find an existing house I can live in.

Given that I'm already in my mid-sixties, and the housing market here looks very grim, I'm not sure I will ever be able to relocate to another state. The best I can hope for might be to move closer to services here.

For a while, I felt really down about this, after spending so much time figuring out where to move, looking at land, etc. Everything got worse when a dog I was really close to died suddenly in March.

However, after grieving all of this for several months, I finally decided I needed to find a way to make living here work better for me. Most likely I'll get a puppy in the winter and we will do some kind of dog sport together. That will be a way to make new friends, and I will have something fun to do.

I can't say I've totally given up on moving. Maybe one day it will happen. In the meantime, I'm working on re-creating my life here.
We have quite similar conclusions for the time being. I really honestly looked into moving, exploring mid-southern states, and states surrounding mine, my own state, nearby cities and towns within my own state and...have found nothing so far that gives me what I need (considering my disability and need for family) as much as my current place. My whole search began 5 yrs ago when I had "had it" with northern winters and property taxes. Over 5 years, believe me, I’ve done my homework and I think I deserve a prize for it! (collectively we really could write a book). When I carefully weighed all the options and the cost/benefits in each, I decided that for now I am where I’m supposed to be, and it’s not such a bad place. I’m trying out some new financial arrangements and getting help in modifying my house. I have to say that I have been positively influenced by LiveContent, whose down to earth view of things has helped me to analyze my situation and get over my terrible grass is greener mentality.

As for cutoff age for moving, it all depends on health! And how far you're willling to move away from family and "good" friends at how late a time in life. For me, it's very soon or never.
 
Old 08-03-2010, 08:48 PM
 
967 posts, read 919,699 times
Reputation: 1890
It's good to hear words of wisdom from you gals here on-line. I eagerly wait for new posts. It DOES seem that many have a lot in common.I was an art major in college and an interior designer for years. And I love to write! (can't you tell by all my lengthy posts?!LOL!) So it has been especially interesting to read Latashia's and Wysteria's recent posts. (I feel like I'm leaving someone out......please forgive me, if so. Brain fog!) I can't rep you again, so want you to know that I'm grateful for the feedback.

Is it different with "artist" types? Or does it even matter our occupation/advocation/hobby etc? I have fought depression since age 12. That can be a lonely and very scary battle. And it never ends, at least in my case, so must keep fighting. I get so tired. On the whole, with meds, I am cheerful and outgoing. I love people, make friends easily. But if alone too much, and fighting on several fronts, I get too introspective, too focused on my shortcomings. That makes it even harder to force myself out to make new contacts, try new things, go new places.

I'm a passably good artist. I haven't attempted much "art" for a long time, other than sketching. I keep saying I want to get back into it, take classes, learn technique. Several things hold me back: a desire to get settled first (been here 2 months) and find a place for all my "stuff", cost of classes and materials, and fear of failure. In my youth I was a succesful student---mostly A's----and rec'd great response to my art. Got married, had kids, stopped doing any kind of art but designwork or "crafts". So of course I've forgotten a lot. Somehow I have a real need to be very good in something again. Does this rambling mke any sense?

I moved 1,800 miles to start over. I think I can, too, if I could let go of the past. I had so many labels applied, due to depression, my failed marriage, my fibro. I have really started to think of myself as a failure. Of little use to anyone. Yes, I know, I need to help others rather than focus only on myself....but ya know, It takes energy to get out there to help others and I don't have it right now. I sleep too much. I hide in my room. I wait until night to be up and moving---a really silly habit I've fallen into, but have always been a night person. So---guess depression is overshadowing me again. But I will fight back.

I'll come around. I know the self-talk that is good, know to avoid the negative thoughts. It just seems too hard right now. Too many obstacles. But I know to start with one thing accomplished, then one more, etc. Hey---I returned phone calls and paid a couple bills today. I'm good. I'll get there. Have an insurance underwriter to talk to tommorrow. maybe things will work out.

So very sorrry to be negative in my posting. It's where I'm at right now, but doesn't mean you like to listen to my whining!!!!!

It feels so good to know others struggle with similar issues, though. Maybe we gain strenghth when we support each other.
 
Old 08-03-2010, 09:17 PM
 
Location: not where you are
8,140 posts, read 7,647,035 times
Reputation: 6931
artangel,

Please, don't ever feel every post has to be happy, happy, joy, joy. What's the point of sharing if we can't express what's really going on with us, good or bad. I know about the self talk, I had to do quite a bit of it last winter, especially during the holidays. It wasn't pretty. I know I'll have to do it again soon enough come November. Keep sharing, you benefit us just as much as you benefit yourself, so thank you for sharing your thoughts.
 
Old 08-03-2010, 09:40 PM
 
967 posts, read 919,699 times
Reputation: 1890
TRosa,
I gave you a rep (don't know how to add words to it) and I thank you so much for your kind, understanding and accepting comment!!!

Winters in the Midwest always seemed endless to me, or, as you say, a tough time. I can relate. And since my divorce, holidays have been hard, too, as long as I focus on the past, ie prior life when we were a family. It has been kinda helpful, sometimes for me to treat the holidays as just another day, with no expectations. In the last few years, my dear friends have been sure to include me in their celebrations, for which I am grateful. And sometimes I actually get to be with my kids!!! We all live quite a distance away from each other, so makes getting together more difficult. And, as is very common these days, there are often 4 sets of family to try to accommodate. I usually try to take the pressure off my kids by being very agreeable or understanding about their plans.

Again, thank you! And thank you to whoever repped me, too. (Was that you?)
 
Old 08-04-2010, 12:28 AM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,407 posts, read 5,929,861 times
Reputation: 7121
As I recall, Snoop Dogg referred to his home state as "Cali" in one of his songs. (I'm just sooo hip, aren't I, LOL?)

Yes, some of my friends aggravate me....usually because they say something that ticks me off, which doesn't take much due to my thin skin. But it's difficult to shut them out, because they're all part of a larger crowd. It's awkward to be "not speaking" to one person while trying to maintain camaraderie with the rest of the group. Or, sometimes it's even my family. And well, unless I want to cut family ties, I just try to let it roll off my back.

It's very hard to find the perfect friend. I have many friends, and they all have different personalities and fulfill different needs. I find the ones I'm closest to are the ones whom I can trust and confide in, who don't judge me, and who commiserate with me and are understanding. But even then, I have to watch what I say sometimes. There's the jealous friend, or the friend who always rushes me off the phone, or the friend who doesn't have the common sense to know when not to repeat something....none of them have it all. With the exception of my Mom, I guess, who is really like a best friend...no hidden agenda there!
 
Old 08-04-2010, 06:18 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,985,208 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by artangel View Post
It's good to hear words of wisdom from you gals here on-line. I eagerly wait for new posts. It DOES seem that many have a lot in common.I was an art major in college and an interior designer for years. And I love to write! (can't you tell by all my lengthy posts?!LOL!) So it has been especially interesting to read Latashia's and Wysteria's recent posts. (I feel like I'm leaving someone out......please forgive me, if so. Brain fog!) I can't rep you again, so want you to know that I'm grateful for the feedback.

Is it different with "artist" types? Or does it even matter our occupation/advocation/hobby etc? I have fought depression since age 12. That can be a lonely and very scary battle. And it never ends, at least in my case, so must keep fighting. I get so tired. On the whole, with meds, I am cheerful and outgoing. I love people, make friends easily. But if alone too much, and fighting on several fronts, I get too introspective, too focused on my shortcomings. That makes it even harder to force myself out to make new contacts, try new things, go new places.

I'm a passably good artist. I haven't attempted much "art" for a long time, other than sketching. I keep saying I want to get back into it, take classes, learn technique. Several things hold me back: a desire to get settled first (been here 2 months) and find a place for all my "stuff", cost of classes and materials, and fear of failure. In my youth I was a succesful student---mostly A's----and rec'd great response to my art. Got married, had kids, stopped doing any kind of art but designwork or "crafts". So of course I've forgotten a lot. Somehow I have a real need to be very good in something again. Does this rambling mke any sense?

I moved 1,800 miles to start over. I think I can, too, if I could let go of the past. I had so many labels applied, due to depression, my failed marriage, my fibro. I have really started to think of myself as a failure. Of little use to anyone. Yes, I know, I need to help others rather than focus only on myself....but ya know, It takes energy to get out there to help others and I don't have it right now. I sleep too much. I hide in my room. I wait until night to be up and moving---a really silly habit I've fallen into, but have always been a night person. So---guess depression is overshadowing me again. But I will fight back.

I'll come around. I know the self-talk that is good, know to avoid the negative thoughts. It just seems too hard right now. Too many obstacles. But I know to start with one thing accomplished, then one more, etc. Hey---I returned phone calls and paid a couple bills today. I'm good. I'll get there. Have an insurance underwriter to talk to tommorrow. maybe things will work out.

So very sorrry to be negative in my posting. It's where I'm at right now, but doesn't mean you like to listen to my whining!!!!!

It feels so good to know others struggle with similar issues, though. Maybe we gain strenghth when we support each other.
Artangel, Don't despair, you are not alone. All the years I was working and raising a family I was doing artwork here and there, some of which was exhibitied in galleries and two museums. I taught classes on the side. I was always working several jobs in addition to full time job. I was also writing and have been published in some prestigious journals, did summer studies with known writers. Where did I get the time and energy????

As my health problem invaded my life, and as I got older, I just slowed down to the point of near inertia. I still write, not so much printmaking or painting anymore. But my drive seems to sort of drained away, and so when it comes to the relocation I've wanted to make, I feel I need life support!! I almost had a buyer for my house, and when that fell through I did go into a slump. Right now I'm looking into procedures to see if my mobility could improve. But like you, it's a matter of psychic energy.

Remember that in past generations (way back) a person was OLD at 40! and often died not long after. We are all pushing the envelope every day, and boomers refuse to believe we will ever have to slow down. Loss of energy ain't allowed!! But be gentler on yourself b/c you have lived a full life and worked very, very hard. You've also just made a giant move, and for a full year you're going to feel the effects of the transition. I will bet ya that next spring you will have a new friend and will be moving hte paint around! Used to multitasking, maybe we just need to accept the slowing down and look at the world like a snail and learn happiness from that point of view. Maybe set out to write about your experience moving...and post segments for us...Just some thoughts early this a.m.

Last edited by RiverBird; 08-04-2010 at 06:54 AM..
 
Old 08-04-2010, 07:04 AM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,954 posts, read 7,396,297 times
Reputation: 16288
Latashia - Good post (can't rep you right now). Keep remembering all that YOU have accomplished - it's quite amazing! You need a vacation - a change of venue where you can reenergize. Sometimes we get caught up in the less than perfect now and forget what we were like - you can still be that person - just somewhat improved and mellowed with age

BTW - I also need a change of venue - just to regroup, which is why I'm taking off for a few days to a friend's lake home. I have no doubt I will more than make up for the lost time once I am back and have had a chance to get OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!!!!

Here's to new beginnings (to quote Wisteria).

P.S. I just cut a bunch of hydrangeas -- 4 different varieties, white to different shades of green. I put some in water to display now and have the rest tied upside down in the garage for the drying process. Gorgeous!!
 
Old 08-04-2010, 07:36 AM
 
Location: not where you are
8,140 posts, read 7,647,035 times
Reputation: 6931
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalon08 View Post
As I recall, Snoop Dogg referred to his home state as "Cali" in one of his songs. (I'm just sooo hip, aren't I, LOL?)

!
Too funny, I actually was copying one such rapper, not sure if it was LL Cool J or some other such person, but Cali is how a lot of those youngins refer to California. I didn't invent it and it's not my usual way of speaking. I guess that's what I get for trying to be cool. Or is it Rad, the chit or whatever. I can't think of what the word of the moment is for being hip. So I'll go with Far out dudettes you rock.

PS, I learned a long time ago to not take myself so seriously. Things tend to slide off effortlessly, I'm just sorry my sense of humor doesn't always come through very well over the net. But my therapist thinks I'm halirious.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top