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Old 05-16-2012, 03:57 PM
 
13,315 posts, read 25,550,246 times
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One could argue that we are talking about "First World problems," anomie and feelings of disconnection, or not being content. I do think that they are "real" problems, as long as we keep perspective and aren't pitying ourselves for not having a better life. I personally knock myself for not being joyful and very content with my fortunate life (fortunate compared to, say, 90 percent of the world's women and a whole lot percent of most people in the world). I am disappointed in myself for being disappointed.
The few times I've had more immediate and suffering-type problems (injury, illness) it hasn't changed my sense at all. I do think if I ever suffered an unwanted divorce (from a wanted marriage) I would crash and burn. Apparently, I'm not likely to face that particular trial.
I think anyone's discontent is valid if it's based in reality, and not from advertising or seeing celebrities on TV or something and wanting what they presumably have. Discontent does not have to include envy or a feeling of being cheated (things that I personally would find distasteful in myself). I have wondered if this is low-level chronic depression. Cannot figure it out but know it's real.

 
Old 05-16-2012, 04:06 PM
 
Location: not where you are
8,134 posts, read 7,639,152 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tngirl205 View Post
Umbria, I don't think these issues are trivial at all. I also really understand that "contentment can't be filled by anyone else but me." It's so hard to wrap my head around now, but that fits me to a tee....I now have to find my own contentment in life....alone. It is a daily journey for me, but it also was before my husband passed away. My "motto" has always been to take one day at a time, I did that while he was struggling to breathe every day, and now I find myself struggling with building a new life for myself.

Nothing is trivial when we have to make our way in this world. There are so many different scenarios for people to face. I guess I'm trying to put something into words that I cannot find. We all have a burden to bear of one sort or another, each being real to each person. The love and support I find here is worth so much, knowing the struggles I face are felt by others. Even though you may not be dealing with the loss of a spouse, we are dealing with challenges and struggles of our own.

I think I'll quit now since I don't feel I'm making any sense; maybe one day I will be able to make myself a little clearer. Just know, each and every one of you, that I thank you for your friendship and compassion. I hope you feel the same way about me.
You are making tons of sense. We all do face our challenges even if we don't always discuss them day to day. I so much feel for all of the ladies that are feeling overwhelmed, sad, lonely or just moments of confusion. One day at a time is a very good way to phrase it. I can attest that finding happy is a job, it doesn't just happen, some days it comes easy, some days, it's a struggle, but I learned a long time ago it's mostly a mindset. Too darn bad my mind file is corrupt, so everything's sporatic.

I do appreciate what you ladies have shared about your challenges, I wish for each of you to get to where you want to be.
 
Old 05-16-2012, 06:22 PM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,954 posts, read 7,390,042 times
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This really is a nice thread to "come home" to now & then.

Tngirl - One day at a time sounds like a good plan. It would be interesting to journal your feelings each day to see how/when they change - or would that just focus on your sadness more? Your town might have a support group in place - you might not feel so alone.

Why is it that when we are yonger we can just jump in without thinking about all the tomorrows? Maybe because now we value each day more.

NEG - The RE market seems to be picking up and prices are going up a bit also. One of the differences now is your house has to be perfect, or at least as perfect as you can make it. Last time I sold a house I didn't put any extra work into it - just a little scrubbing and the sign went up. I did do a lot of work on it right after I bought it though. I had only been in that house 2 years and I've been here 18 years so that makes a difference.

BDL - You are right about the discontent with ones self - I give myself daily come to Jesus talks.

Well - today (drum roll~~~~~~~~) I got a new storm door on my back door. Settle down, ladies, don't get too excited - ya never know what might happen When I was fostering dogs, I had 2 puppies (so much fun) and one ripped the screen on the door and then the other joined in and finished it off. Then, last winter the latch on the door handle broke so I've been using my thumb nail to open the door It really is the little things~~~~~

Early night tonight - it's hard work watching the handyman work
 
Old 05-16-2012, 07:32 PM
 
Location: SW US
2,217 posts, read 2,034,108 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Umbria View Post

Why is it that when we are yo(u)nger we can just jump in without thinking about all the tomorrows? Maybe because now we value each day more.
For me at least, increasing health issues, and watching my parents' declines, have made me much more cautious.
 
Old 05-16-2012, 08:33 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,969,510 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
I think anyone's discontent is valid if it's based in reality, and not from advertising or seeing celebrities on TV or something and wanting what they presumably have. Discontent does not have to include envy or a feeling of being cheated (things that I personally would find distasteful in myself). I have wondered if this is low-level chronic depression. Cannot figure it out but know it's real.
The media and society as they are structured have so much to do with that vague or real sense of discontent, perhaps more so among women. And, any woman feeling disconnection from lack of or loss of primary relationships, imo, suffers. Aging women generally do not have a secure place in Western/ized society, and that feeds the sense of disconnection. Those who lose a primary person (spouse, partner, closest friend, sibling, child) have a lot to mourn—not only the loss of the person, but the increased isolation.
 
Old 05-17-2012, 01:47 AM
 
966 posts, read 918,839 times
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I'd like to congratulate you women who have posted for being such an insightful, compassionate, gutsy, and intelligent group! It helps me to read your posts and your messages. I deeply appreciate the care and concern and time you put into your writings ( or in my case, ramblings!lol) I am not allowed to rep many of you at this point, so will convey my thanks in this manner. Thank you!!!!!
 
Old 05-17-2012, 02:07 AM
 
966 posts, read 918,839 times
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Just an additional thought...........regarding that sense of discontent ot disappointment some have mentioned. I've certainly struggled with that myself---often---and have also chastised myself for it, with the reminder that I really am richly blessed in so many ways. Yet I was told that "feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are" and so many of us have run the gamut(sp?) of them these last few years. I'm wondering how much the realization of our life winding down has to do with it? I know I have lately asked myself "Is this all there is?" I try to convince myself that I have much more time than I might realize....but there is still that sense that I'm on a downward slide. Health problems certainly figure into that, but actually I'm not in danger of dying from any of my ailments, just dealing with a reduced quality of life somewhat. Nope---this is not the way I pictured my life at this point----but I suspect few are lucky enough or determined enough to be living their dreams. I'm having trouble summoning motivation to do anything about it, though. Illness makes me tired physically and mentally. But am I allowing myself to use that as an excuse? (Hey--do you really expect me to answer that? Truthfully? lol) I try to tell myself I may have another 20 years and so much can change/be accomplished in that time. Doesn't seem to register or make much difference right now, but maybe I can keep that thought in the back of my mind and come back to it sometime.........I told someone the other day that solitary confinement is considered to be a severe punishment.....yet that's exactly what it feels like I'm in right now. I'm working on it, though. Day by day. I force myself to continue to try to set goals, do something I'd rather not, reach just a little beyond my comfort zone. As do we all.
 
Old 05-17-2012, 09:17 AM
 
Location: delaware
688 posts, read 864,170 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
The media and society as they are structured have so much to do with that vague or real sense of discontent, perhaps more so among women. And, any woman feeling disconnection from lack of or loss of primary relationships, imo, suffers. Aging women generally do not have a secure place in Western/ized society, and that feeds the sense of disconnection. Those who lose a primary person (spouse, partner, closest friend, sibling, child) have a lot to mourn—not only the loss of the person, but the increased isolation.

i very much agree with this premise. losing a person who was the emotional center of your life, or a large part of that center, changes you forever. i think this is true certainly in the case of spouse/partner, child, or a close sibling. there is a sense of disconnection and also a loss of shared memories and history. these can not be duplicated. even though you can find ways of going on with your life, often in meaningful ways, the shared history is lost forever.

personally, i feel often there is a line of demarcation, of before and after. you are able to function, enjoy life, and find satisfaction again, but the loss is internalized and changes your view of your world and often yourself. it is not my intention to be morbid, but hopefully realistic. we are survivors, but survivors who have been wounded.

catsy girl
 
Old 05-17-2012, 03:35 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,969,510 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artangel View Post
I'm wondering how much the realization of our life winding down has to do with it? I know I have lately asked myself "Is this all there is?"
Strange you should say this...it's the third anniversary of my mother's death, at 91. In her eighties she repeatedly said, "Is this all there is?" It kind of stunned me when I heard her say it. I think I understand now. But perhaps I don't have the expectations that she had. I will never know what she had truly wanted in life, for herself.
 
Old 05-17-2012, 03:49 PM
 
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During the past year, I prepared for a while, did a lot of research, but then I finally made a move way out of my comfort zone! It was difficult, had to do it all alone, stress worsened some physical problems, etc. But just wanted to share with others here that it was really worth it.

I wasn't completely sure if it was absolutely the right thing to do, just had a "green light" feeling and some things came together for me. What kept me going was the thought that things could be much better for me and that I didn't have to settle for conditions that weren't helping me move forward in life. There was no point where I was certain about anything, I just found something deep inside that kept me moving forward to make the changes.

The thing I didn't fully realize, that I do now, is that sometimes these things are just a lot harder than they were when we were younger, simply because we don't have scads of energy and may be physically more frail or need more time to recover. And that's OK, it doesn't mean we're not as strong as we were, indeed I think many of us probably know we have much more inner strength and smarts than when we were younger!

You have to ask if you're limiting yourself because it's so easy to internalize how our society values "older women." It helps to find models, read bios or find out about how other women at your age are reinventing themselves and finding ways to thrive. I really believe that these older years can be the best time, even though we have to come to terms with frailties.

The last place I lived in was kind of depressing, crummy, severe weather, it was making me feel much older than I wanted to be. Moved into a lighter, happier place, new people and things to try, I feel a sense of renewal now. So my belief is, sometimes you can't transcend the place you live in, and it really is beneficial to commit to a physical move and take a chance on something different.
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