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Hmmmm, terms like rank, the power, Family leader, etc might be the problem. Once children grow up and move away from home, they start thier own families. They as the adults and parents run thier show, they may ask advise from thier parents, but ultimatley it's thier call. Should they decide to take course other that your suggestion, that's up to them.
Now I may be off course, but adults don't nessasarly need or want thier parents advise unless asked for. Is it possible that you have treated your children as children and not adults?
I feel for you, as I have been there. Just realize it is a different time now, different generations, different ways of doing things, different viewpoints, everything is different. I raised my child, and sometimes am hurt that she is doing things so different than what I taught her. I sometimes feel like she is intentionally doing different what I did. But, I keep telling myself it is a different world now and she is part of it and all the scare tactics that are being used to change the world.
I am guessing that the problem child ran afoul of the law, and of course the parent(s) would love and support that child while the law abiding siblings would not support him/her, and this would definitely cause resentment, anger, hard feelings and possibly alienation. Especially if any of the other siblings or their children were affected by said law breaker.
One of my best friends was the youngest of 4 for seven years. When unexpected baby arrived, with a big age gap between the other kids, the marriage relationship and child rearing methods had changed since the other four were being raised. This child caused a major rift among the mother and the 4 other grown kids when father died, with all 4 of the older children being banished in favor of the (now young adult) baby. No law breaking was involved here, but the baby had always been pampered and spoiled and the favorite by Mom. This happened many years ago, and some of the 4 still have nothing to do with Mom, while others talk to her only on occassion. But Mom still has her baby!
I feel for you, as I have been there. Just realize it is a different time now, different generations, different ways of doing things, different viewpoints, everything is different. I raised my child, and sometimes am hurt that she is doing things so different than what I taught her. I sometimes feel like she is intentionally doing different what I did. But, I keep telling myself it is a different world now and she is part of it and all the scare tactics that are being used to change the world.
I am guessing that the problem child ran afoul of the law, and of course the parent(s) would love and support that child while the law abiding siblings would not support him/her, and this would definitely cause resentment, anger, hard feelings and possibly alienation. Especially if any of the other siblings or their children were affected by said law breaker.
One of my best friends was the youngest of 4 for seven years. When unexpected baby arrived, with a big age gap between the other kids, the marriage relationship and child rearing methods had changed since the other four were being raised. This child caused a major rift among the mother and the 4 other grown kids when father died, with all 4 of the older children being banished in favor of the (now young adult) baby. No law breaking was involved here, but the baby had always been pampered and spoiled and the favorite by Mom. This happened many years ago, and some of the 4 still have nothing to do with Mom, while others talk to her only on occassion. But Mom still has her baby!
Thank you. It is different times. My parents didn't really actively teach me much - I learned my morals and values at church - My kids did not get the same training (some would say "brainwashing") that I did . . .and they have the newer, less civilized world and peers that influenced them.
Yes, I feel there is a lot of jealously where I knew there was none, previously. I thought everyone in the family wanted everyone else's health and well-being - I didn't know there were rivalries and deep-seated (unconscious) resentments, probably stemming from childhood.
There were no rivalries with the kids growing up - or if there were - they didn't fight, so I wasn't aware of them.
Thank you. I am sorry the information is cryptic but I really don't feel it would be my place to disclose personal information about other people . . . I think there is a "thinging" of old people that people sometimes do (which you mention) - and I was surprised to feel my kids doing this to me - in the past, I had sometimes noticed that they created this "mom thing" in their minds and then they would trash it - I said something about the dynamic of "thinging," but don't know if they got it.
About my eldest daughter running with the ball, re: power . . .that was a real shocker to me - I had always perceived her as being loyal, but now I think I was projecting this good trait on her . . .I think it just came from my imagination or what I wanted or expected. I don't think my daughter has a personality disorder . . .I just think she is extremely stressed and in denial, and also blames me for the situation somewhat (without disclosing details I think the blame might be that I had a child who caused a problem).
Another thing is there is sibling rivalry going on, where I never saw that before and the way it relates to me, in this situation, is that I think they are mad at me for favoring the kid for whom the trauma surrounds. Like I said, it is very complicated - and if I were to provide details, I would have to spend my life writing about this because it is so complex - there are so many variables and nuances.
But in the end, I have been bullied, attacked without provocation, and marginalized - and to add insult to injury, a couple of them post their fun "family" get-togethers on Facebook . . . it's very hurtful - my ego suffers, and I have lost my family, essentially.
This did help me a lot with deciphering what has occurred. I also can fill in enough to see how this has to be a terrible shock to you, especially since you thought your daughter has been a caring supporter and even an ally of sorts (your use of the word "loyal").
Before I ramble on about some other thoughts, I want to say how cruel, mean-spirited and immature I find it that your kids are posting things on FB to simply rub it all in your face. I think you need to step back and really consider what this means about the folks doing this. None of us want to see our adult children as vicious, but I gotta tell ya . . . that is vicious. It is also calculating, manipulative and petty.
Questions to ask yourself: why would your children "get off" on being this mean-spirited to you? What injustices do they feel you have enacted on them? Is this simply immaturity and the desire to "one up" ole mom . . . or is it the tip of an anger iceberg that has been floating around, being dodged, for many years? Why do your children (or some of them) feel justified in punishing/humiliating you in this way?
I know you have not said a word about money/assets/things . . . but I have noticed that adult children and their parents get into the biggest rifts over: 1. money/inheritance and 2. favoritism (wh/ can also be in the form of financial assistance/gifts).
Also, I wanted to say that you, as mom, should not have to justify decisions you make in re: to assisting any of your children who have "fallen on hard times," whether that takes the form of attorneys, giving someone space in your home, or writing out checks. The only criticism that would be valid is if you are doing something that is somehow enabling the bad behavior of one of their siblings. Then, they would be justified in bringing that opinion to your attention. However, it is still your prerogative to act on that information in the way you feel is best - you are their mother.
Sibling rivalry . . . I don't know. Once they are adults on their own with their own families, just how much does sibling rivalry play into anything, other than issues with "he/she gets MORE" - regardless of what the "more" is (babysitting grandchildren time, monetary assistance, face time, etc). No parent can make everything "equal" between their children forever. It is not possible. My parents always told us - and I agree with this - "each according to their needs." However, if you have bailed a child out and they have never paid you back . . . and others HAVE been responsible and paid you back (or never accepted a loan) . . . then I can see how sibling rivalry can come into play - and animosity could build towards both you and their sibling.
If what the group confronted you on was the way you are handling a situation with one of their siblings, and you feel you are handling things properly (and they don't) . . . then there is really nothing that can be done to repair the rift. You need to stick to your guns and carry on. Do not respond to the hurtful messages. Do not call them and beg for a revisit of the issues (as no one is going to change his/her mind - that is pretty clear). Carry on with your life and ignore them, as difficult as that may seem.
I would suggest: When you feel things have settled down somewhat, you can then consider writing a group email/letter and dispassionately stating how you feel about the state of your relationship with them. Do not discuss things on the phone, as what you say can be misrepresented or misunderstood. Put it in writing. Just don't do this until you have some time/distance from the current situation.
None of what I have written may apply or be helpful, but I hope something may be of help as you sort through this upsetting period of your life as a mom.
I don't know if it would be considered "ganging up" per se but all three of my daughters, ages 24, 28 and 36, live within an hour and a half of one another with two slated to be living in the same city in the next couple of months. When the ex and I separated in 1994 then divorced, she did her level best to alienate the girls from me and did a masterful job of it. Over the years I've seen to it that some relationship with me was re-established but I would say that we're close by any means. Under those circumstances the best I can be consistent in my approach and as loving and caring as they will permit which isn't much.
I refer to the girls collectively as the Tres Hermanas - Three Sisters - as they are all very close and stick together. As a result I'm very circumspect and guarded in my dealing with any one of them. I don't find that to be particularly comfortable but absolutely necessary. It seems that no matter what I say or how I put it at least one of them will find cause to take offense even if none was intended. I think they look for it. But whichever one does will then pass on the "offense" to the other two and they'll be insulted, angered, put out of sorts, get their nose out of joint as well.
It took awhile but I finally figured out that if you're perceived to scratch one, all three will bleed. It was that which caused me to begin to think of them as being combined.
Imcurious > could this be what has occurred with your children? If so I feel for you. It's most uncomfortable.
I have to admit to becoming inured to what I can only consider disrespect and disregard on the parts of the girls. Pragmatically it's scant return for the approximate $2,500,000 I spent in child support and "extras" over the relevant years and the many times and ways I tried to interact with and be loving to and supportive of them. But such is life. I wish it was different but I appear powerless to change it so I don't dwell upon it. I also haven't been back to where they are in the three years since we moved east. As a practical matter, why would I? Grandchildren have been similarly affected and react similarly as well.
There's no longer any there, there! But we're always here for them should they wish to have relationships with us and have always made that clear.
This did help me a lot with deciphering what has occurred. I also can fill in enough to see how this has to be a terrible shock to you, especially since you thought your daughter has been a caring supporter and even an ally of sorts (your use of the word "loyal").
Before I ramble on about some other thoughts, I want to say how cruel, mean-spirited and immature I find it that your kids are posting things on FB to simply rub it all in your face. I think you need to step back and really consider what this means about the folks doing this. None of us want to see our adult children as vicious, but I gotta tell ya . . . that is vicious. It is also calculating, manipulative and petty.
Questions to ask yourself: why would your children "get off" on being this mean-spirited to you? What injustices do they feel you have enacted on them? Is this simply immaturity and the desire to "one up" ole mom . . . or is it the tip of an anger iceberg that has been floating around, being dodged, for many years? Why do your children (or some of them) feel justified in punishing/humiliating you in this way?
I know you have not said a word about money/assets/things . . . but I have noticed that adult children and their parents get into the biggest rifts over: 1. money/inheritance and 2. favoritism (wh/ can also be in the form of financial assistance/gifts).
Also, I wanted to say that you, as mom, should not have to justify decisions you make in re: to assisting any of your children who have "fallen on hard times," whether that takes the form of attorneys, giving someone space in your home, or writing out checks. The only criticism that would be valid is if you are doing something that is somehow enabling the bad behavior of one of their siblings. Then, they would be justified in bringing that opinion to your attention. However, it is still your prerogative to act on that information in the way you feel is best - you are their mother.
Sibling rivalry . . . I don't know. Once they are adults on their own with their own families, just how much does sibling rivalry play into anything, other than issues with "he/she gets MORE" - regardless of what the "more" is (babysitting grandchildren time, monetary assistance, face time, etc). No parent can make everything "equal" between their children forever. It is not possible. My parents always told us - and I agree with this - "each according to their needs." However, if you have bailed a child out and they have never paid you back . . . and others HAVE been responsible and paid you back (or never accepted a loan) . . . then I can see how sibling rivalry can come into play - and animosity could build towards both you and their sibling.
If what the group confronted you on was the way you are handling a situation with one of their siblings, and you feel you are handling things properly (and they don't) . . . then there is really nothing that can be done to repair the rift. You need to stick to your guns and carry on. Do not respond to the hurtful messages. Do not call them and beg for a revisit of the issues (as no one is going to change his/her mind - that is pretty clear). Carry on with your life and ignore them, as difficult as that may seem.
I would suggest: When you feel things have settled down somewhat, you can then consider writing a group email/letter and dispassionately stating how you feel about the state of your relationship with them. Do not discuss things on the phone, as what you say can be misrepresented or misunderstood. Put it in writing. Just don't do this until you have some time/distance from the current situation.
None of what I have written may apply or be helpful, but I hope something may be of help as you sort through this upsetting period of your life as a mom.
Yes, it what you have written is all very helpful, thank you.
As to why a couple of them seem to take pleasure in overtly hurting me - I can't really imagine, as I thought our relationships were good up until this point . . . I didn't know they were so cruel. In the case of one of them I had trouble with in the teenage years, I had mistakenly thought she had grown up - but she really is the same mean-spirited teenager I was once so distraught over (and I did everything I could to help her during those years and she fought me every step of the way).
The confrontation was not really them wanting me to do anything, it was just bullying me and arguing with me over the situation - there was really no point to it other than to assert their power and attempt to humiliate me - there were a lot of secret meetings they had with a professional where I was the only one excluded . . .the professional is kind of a ring-leader in this scenario, as well . . . I have just had to let go and hope that the situation will resolve itself at some point, but looking back on some events that occurred, I am just kind of astounded at the bullying and ganging up (thinking back to parties where everyone would give an opinion, but when I gave mine, I was shouted down - also the person in question would not allow me to discuss the issue, but everyone else could - my eldest daughter made a rule that I could never utter two people's names to her ever again and when I told her that would effectively end our relationship because that was so marginalizing, she didn't seem to care) . . .
Anyway, I am much stronger than I thought, but I still break down in tears over it - I just don't wallow in it.
Can I ask how old these "kids" are? I always tell my boys they didn't turn into real human beings until they were 26, and then it was kinda iffy for a little while :-) But seriously - it was like they didn't socially mature enough to come outside themselves until their mid 20's. Even now they seem more self-absorbed than I remember being at that age, but my memory fails me at 55, too. They say things sometimes and I think, "where are your social graces? I thought I taught you better!"/
You aren't "old" - you aren't. You may be senior to them, but not old. Sounds sorta like they are collectively having the equivalent of a good ol' hissy fit, complete with foot stomping and being mean girls. I guess that's why I asked about age - maybe we're talking lack of maturity here?
I've always found it to be useful - and reread it from time to time.
FWIW - since I still have absolutely no idea what your situation is* - I will give you the opposing POV. Parents who are well past the middle of their lives still playing "Father Knows Best". That's the game my parents played with their children well after we were very grown up. To give you one example - when my parents used to visit one of my brothers (who was married with 2 kids) - my father (a retired builder) would always go through his houses - and point out every single flaw - telling him his builder was a crook - that he had overpaid for his place - etc. - etc. On one occasion - my brother simply threw my father and mother out of his house - told them to go to a hotel. Can't say I blame him.
My parents continued to act like that even when they were dealing with my mother's terminal illness (which they didn't at all handle well). Or when my father almost married a "gold-digger" he met on the internet (he started internet dating 3 days after my mother died) 3 months after my mother died (he was 86 then). And during those periods of time - my brothers (a doctor and a lawyer) and I (a lawyer) did gang up on them. Because they were both acting like children with regard to their lives - and still trying to treat us like children. So - even though my siblings and I are not particularly close in general - we had to become the adults and act in concert. We did that - and continue to do that.
Note that my late in-laws were totally different. They always treated us like adults. Knew their limitations (especially as they got older) - and knew when to ask for our help (which we gave best we were able). In their case though - we didn't for the most part deal with my husband's siblings. One lived pretty far away - and the other was more into praying instead of doing things like hitting the ground doing things like finding a good SNF after my late FIL had a stroke (my husband and I aren't particularly religious - but - even if we were - first things first IMO - the practical stuff).
Anyway - my only words of advice is if your kids are giving you agita now - don't see them for a while (unless you're dealing with an immediate crisis situation). Relax - do stuff you like - maybe take a vacation - and get your BP down. Robyn
*The one thing I do suspect is you're more or less our age (mid-60's) - and your kids are in their 20's-30's. Which is probably a lot different than children in their 40's/50's/60's dealing with parents in their 70's/80's/older.
Can I ask how old these "kids" are? I always tell my boys they didn't turn into real human beings until they were 26, and then it was kinda iffy for a little while :-)
In my experience I've always maintained the when it comes to children, that first, single brain cell they're born with doesn't even begin to divide and multiply until they reach at least age 25. I mean, there had to be a reason car insurance rates for them dropped at that age.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Robyn55
*The one thing I do suspect is you're more or less our age (mid-60's) - and your kids are in their 20's-30's. Which is probably a lot different than children in their 40's/50's/60's dealing with parents in their 70's/80's/older.
I think you're probably right but there are exceptiopns. I'll be 66 next month and have one son who is 42 and another who is almost 38. As you may have surmised, they're a lot easier to get along with and understand than their three younger sisters.
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