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Old 07-25-2012, 10:36 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,853,196 times
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I am wondering if other seniors with multiple children have ever had them gang up on you, and how you handled it.

I have multiple children, and over the years, I will have falling outs with one of them, only to make up and carry on . . . this is the first time I have ever felt ganged up on by the lot of them . . . I think it happened out of a stressful situation my family is going through . . .some handle stress better, or more consciously than others . . .

It is a very bad feeling to have one's adult children gang up on you - on one hand, it is an insult to the ego - on the other hand, it is a loss of family comfort and support and practically, it causes day-to-day problems.

What I just realized is that I used to be the matriarch of the family, and as such, had lots of power . . .so when someone would offend me, I had the leverage to go to them and work it out . . .now, I believe because of my age and the fact that I am single, I have little to no power and my eldest daughter seems to have stepped into the role of matriarch, and has ousted me (energetically) . . .

There is nothing I can do about it - we are at an impasse, and she has all of the power . . . and she is affecting other family members (alienating me through them). It is very painful.

I am wondering if this is a rare family development or if other seniors have lived long enough and have had complicated family dynamics that might lead to such a scenario.

I imagine if I were married, I would have more power - my husband would step in to defend me . . .

What do you think?
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Virginia
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That's not something my family's encountered, but my friend once had her kids stage an intervention to try to talk them into moving into either a smaller place or a retirement community. They live in a large 3 story house on a hilly plot and the kids were worried about them falling as they got older.

The intervention was a dud. My friends said thanks for your concern, but no thanks. There was some tension for a few weeks, maybe longer, but after awhile the kids gave up and now that all seems far in the past. Years have gone by and they haven't yet fallen or had any problem keeping the house up, so it stopped being an issue. Also, since that time, one of the kids has moved into the top floor and is now handling things like snow shoveling, so that probably also helps the situation.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:50 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,853,196 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Caladium View Post
That's not something my family's encountered, but my friend once had her kids stage an intervention to try to talk them into moving into either a smaller place or a retirement community. They live in a large 3 story house on a hilly plot and the kids were worried about them falling as they got older.

The intervention was a dud. My friends said thanks for your concern, but no thanks. There was some tension for a few weeks, maybe longer, but after awhile the kids gave up and now that all seems far in the past. Years have gone by and they haven't yet fallen or had any problem keeping the house up, so it stopped being an issue. Also, since that time, one of the kids has moved into the top floor and is now handling things like snow shoveling, so that probably also helps the situation.
You are lucky you have never experienced this and it sounds like your friends kids were acting out of love - my kids are reacting to stress out of fear or being overwhelmed (I think). It is a case of being scapegoated or marginalized . . . it happens to some people and not others.
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:14 AM
 
1,829 posts, read 2,596,763 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Caladium View Post
That's not something my family's encountered, but my friend once had her kids stage an intervention to try to talk them into moving into either a smaller place or a retirement community. They live in a large 3 story house on a hilly plot and the kids were worried about them falling as they got older.

The intervention was a dud. My friends said thanks for your concern, but no thanks. There was some tension for a few weeks, maybe longer, but after awhile the kids gave up and now that all seems far in the past. Years have gone by and they haven't yet fallen or had any problem keeping the house up, so it stopped being an issue. Also, since that time, one of the kids has moved into the top floor and is now handling things like snow shoveling, so that probably also helps the situation.
Your friend's experience is what I think we are about to encounter with my FIL who needs a new arrangement for the same concerns of falling, and I am guessing we will have the same outcome for now. It is love and concern vs stubbornness and willingness to recognize what is needed I feel. I just hope I remember this when the roles are turned and it's my children bringing it up.
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:28 AM
 
Location: North Texas
23,991 posts, read 32,810,396 times
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My brother and I are the opposite of this, I guess. Our parents are getting on in years and we've already decided between the two of us that whatever, and I mean WHATEVER, their wishes are, they will be respected by both of us. We've already had lots of 'what if' talks with them.
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:49 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,475,774 times
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In a word, "No!" They know better!

Truth in advertising time: My three daughters were relentlessly alienated from me when their mother and I divorced and while we're cordial, I wouldn't categorize our relationships as being close. In a sense I think they view me as a "necessary evil" and they don't care for my wife because they think I should have stayed single rather than marry someone other than their mother. Go figure! BTDT! Not worth a return engagement.

Both my sons (the oldest of the five children) are very independent and we have very good relationships.

However, the reality is that my life isn't over yet so who knows what will occur in the future. For now, the concentration is on their demented mother.
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:57 AM
 
Location: Virginia
18,717 posts, read 26,905,338 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigDGeek View Post
We've already had lots of 'what if' talks with them.
That's a great idea. Also, with certain issues, it's smart to put things in writing so there will be no arguing about what mom and dad want. It's good to address various possibilities, too, so they have evidence mom and dad have considered certain angles.
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Virginia
18,717 posts, read 26,905,338 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by choff5 View Post
Your friend's experience is what I think we are about to encounter with my FIL who needs a new arrangement for the same concerns of falling, and I am guessing we will have the same outcome for now. It is love and concern vs stubbornness and willingness to recognize what is needed I feel. I just hope I remember this when the roles are turned and it's my children bringing it up.
You have my sympathy. (So do your parents--it's a tough one for both sides). We had to take car keys away from my mother and tell her she could not drive anymore, and that was heart breaking. Necessary, but heart breaking none the less.
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Old 07-25-2012, 01:38 PM
 
Location: Florida
19,786 posts, read 19,891,223 times
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Unless there are shared living arrangements or tangled finances, I can't see what infuence kids should be able to have over an assumedly competent independent adult decision.....or vice versa.
If you want to do something that doesn't directly affect them, they'll have to get used to it.
If they want to do something that doesn't directy affect you,you'll have to get used to it.

If you've done something wrong and they all agree it is wrong, better think about apologizing.
If you really believe you're right and it's a battle you insist on winning, sounds like you'd better be prepared to celebrate by yourself.
IF this is the case, or similar, decide for yourself, is it that important?
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Old 07-25-2012, 03:16 PM
 
10,813 posts, read 8,058,272 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post

What I just realized is that I used to be the matriarch of the family, and as such, had lots of power . . .so when someone would offend me, I had the leverage to go to them and work it out . . .now, I believe because of my age and the fact that I am single, I have little to no power and my eldest daughter seems to have stepped into the role of matriarch, and has ousted me (energetically) . . .

There is nothing I can do about it - we are at an impasse, and she has all of the power . . . and she is affecting other family members (alienating me through them). It is very painful.

I am wondering if this is a rare family development or if other seniors have lived long enough and have had complicated family dynamics that might lead to such a scenario.

I imagine if I were married, I would have more power - my husband would step in to defend me . . .

What do you think?
My first thought was "like mother, like daughter". This is a cycle that needs to be broken.

Perhaps if you quit thinking in terms of who holds the most power and start thinking in terms of loving your children, your family dynamics might get less complicated. Since this 'power' concept seems to be deeply entrenched, it might help to see a counselor, with your family if they'll go, without them if they won't .
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