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My wife and I are reaching the point that we can no longer care for our property. That leaves us in a condo or assisted living. Our children are no help so we will soon have to do one or the other
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl
That's the kicker, caring for the property ourselves if we do not have paid help. This is the all-too-realistic aspect of aging in our own homes.
Why not hire people to do these things? It's silly of anyone of any age to climb on a roof or dig a deep hole or clean a house. I have only a small lawn (the rest is short grass prairie or sagebrush and prickly pear which I leave to Nature) and for some reason I enjoy cutting grass so I do that myself. I also enjoy a small vegetable and flower garden. But if I need to do some heavy work or specialized work or just something I don't like doing I have someone else do it. Who out there wants to clean a toilet?
It's hard finding decent help, particularly maids. But keep asking; you'll find one who does it right and does what you tell her to do. The old ones are the best. I swear; they really are.
Ummmm....money? Some people are existing on Social Security and little more. They may own their home (or not) but may barely have their head above water otherwise between utilities and food and medication and insurance. Even WITH an income it can be difficult to hire it out - not everyone can just hire someone because it feels better than doing it yourself.
Can I fix the roof? No - I have to hire someone. Can I clean a toilet? Yep - and I think I'll save that $65 every week for housecleaning until such a time I can't do that either.
Some of us bought homes a long time ago that have very large yards. Again - I'll ride the lawnmower and do the edging (and save the money) 'til I can't do it no more. Which I hope will be considerably after what is considered retirement age. Until then, frugality is my middle name. Selling at this time just wouldn't pay off in the long run.
Ummmm....money? Some people are existing on Social Security and little more. They may own their home (or not) but may barely have their head above water otherwise between utilities and food and medication and insurance. Even WITH an income it can be difficult to hire it out - not everyone can just hire someone because it feels better than doing it yourself.
Those are two good reasons. Another one is safety. Sad but true, criminal like to target the elderly. I've heard more than a few stories of someone hiring a maid, and then it turns out the maid was really a criminal scoping out the house to find out where any valuables were.
Thankfully, where we ive in small town America, everyone knows everyone else so hiring help is a pretty safe proposition. We have a housekeeper who comes in once every three weeks for three hours to dust, do floors, scrub bathrooms, etc. (she's quick and efficient). She's also on the town council of the small village from which we derive our rural mailing address.
Ya just can't get away with much in these here Aux Arcs. The same goes for yard care, home repairs, handy-man functions, etc. Neighbors are the best vetting tool around.
My father is disabled since being hit by a taxi, lives in a 2 story house, and wants to live in his inaccessible house to the end.
While it is sad to hear of families where kids move away or "don't help"... sometimes parents aren't realistic.
I have to take care of my father's older home (100 years) and my own apartment. 2 separate homes, 2 separate sets of home problems, 2 separate sets of meals, 2 separate sets of finances. Because this is "his choice". He wants to live in his own home... forever.
I have to struggle with my father for weeks/months/years about what he will allow me to fix. Meanwhile, I clean the basement floods, the leaky faucets he wont let me fix that now flood the counters, the leaks around the windows and air conditioners that bring me running there every time it rains, beg him to buy another air conditioner when the house goes up to the high 80's because global warming is getting out of control and his ACs can't handle it..... constantly see the dangers, the inconvenience, the expense... the denial of my father. Of course I can't list everything... But it's his choice, right?
Of course, many seniors (though maybe not City-Data users.... a selected population).... also need help with the his medical/personal/financial daily care as well. I wont even mention those needs...
Constantly I worry, all my father does is complain when we "force" him to accept help by paying others. He is happy to have us do it for free though. I guess that is my duty.
I fantasize.... not about a vacation, not about chocolate brownies, not about a new car, not about getting married.... but about a modern condo. An elevator! A connected garage, without an exposed walkway that needs to be shoveled 2 or 3 time each day it snows so you can get back and forth to the car. A washing machine that isn't in a dark, inaccessible, dangerous basement. A place nearby... (in the same building?!?!??!?) where there is a restaurant/dining room where reasonably health meals can be chosen from a menu. Or even.... having free meals provided by the village.... for one week. Safety.... someone who could be nearby to check in... in case of an emergency.
So you thought I am fantasizing for my father? NO! I am fantasizing for myself. At the age of 40. The nightmare of having to deal with two households and the my personal expense has made me given up ever wanting to (or being able to...) manage a house on my own. I live in a small rented apartment. Managing my father's house and the imposition it has caused us has taught me I will never impose this on anyone. And since I will not have children anyway to impose on, I will stay in a small apartment.
Those of you with parents who live to 92 alone, cognitively intact, in a house, not needing help with managing health problems/food/house hold care....well that's amazing, and the rarity. Remember, you will be a combination of both of your parents genes, so I hope they both lived that long (and healthy..... there are worse things then death, you know.....). If you think that is going to be you, it is honestly not likely. Everything catches up with you at some point..... or just get hit by a car like my father was. That changes things quick.
Everyone should plan. Let's say... everyone should have a plan B.
Ok. Thanks for letting me rant. I know you guys aren't like my father.... but you could be!
Where we lived before retirement we had, between us, six adult children nearby. We chose to move 2,000 miles away after we retired. The fact that we were leaving "potential caregivers" in our waning years never entered our minds. We both grew to be self-sufficient adults and we intend to remain that way until we assume room temperature. Barring the unforeseen we'll manage even when we can't do so without help but it won't come at the expense of our children.
My former wife and the mother of my children once proclaimed, after we divorced, "My children will always take care of me!" I don't know who was more outraged, my wife and I or the ex's mother. Talk about a lazy entitlement attitude with no regard for the effect on the children who have children of their own to care for and raise.
Not for us any form of familial obligation except between the two of us.
My father is disabled since being hit by a taxi, lives in a 2 story house, and wants to live in his inaccessible house to the end.
While it is sad to hear of families where kids move away or "don't help"... sometimes parents aren't realistic.
I have to take care of my father's older home (100 years) and my own apartment. 2 separate homes, 2 separate sets of home problems, 2 separate sets of meals, 2 separate sets of finances. Because this is "his choice". He wants to live in his own home... forever.
I have to struggle with my father for weeks/months/years about what he will allow me to fix. Meanwhile, I clean the basement floods, the leaky faucets he wont let me fix that now flood the counters, the leaks around the windows and air conditioners that bring me running there every time it rains, beg him to buy another air conditioner when the house goes up to the high 80's because global warming is getting out of control and his ACs can't handle it..... constantly see the dangers, the inconvenience, the expense... the denial of my father. Of course I can't list everything... But it's his choice, right?
Of course, many seniors (though maybe not City-Data users.... a selected population).... also need help with the his medical/personal/financial daily care as well. I wont even mention those needs...
Constantly I worry, all my father does is complain when we "force" him to accept help by paying others. He is happy to have us do it for free though. I guess that is my duty.
I fantasize.... not about a vacation, not about chocolate brownies, not about a new car, not about getting married.... but about a modern condo. An elevator! A connected garage, without an exposed walkway that needs to be shoveled 2 or 3 time each day it snows so you can get back and forth to the car. A washing machine that isn't in a dark, inaccessible, dangerous basement. A place nearby... (in the same building?!?!??!?) where there is a restaurant/dining room where reasonably health meals can be chosen from a menu. Or even.... having free meals provided by the village.... for one week. Safety.... someone who could be nearby to check in... in case of an emergency.
So you thought I am fantasizing for my father? NO! I am fantasizing for myself. At the age of 40. The nightmare of having to deal with two households and the my personal expense has made me given up ever wanting to (or being able to...) manage a house on my own. I live in a small rented apartment. Managing my father's house and the imposition it has caused us has taught me I will never impose this on anyone. And since I will not have children anyway to impose on, I will stay in a small apartment.
Those of you with parents who live to 92 alone, cognitively intact, in a house, not needing help with managing health problems/food/house hold care....well that's amazing, and the rarity. Remember, you will be a combination of both of your parents genes, so I hope they both lived that long (and healthy..... there are worse things then death, you know.....). If you think that is going to be you, it is honestly not likely. Everything catches up with you at some point..... or just get hit by a car like my father was. That changes things quick.
Everyone should plan. Let's say... everyone should have a plan B.
Ok. Thanks for letting me rant. I know you guys aren't like my father.... but you could be!
no, i'm not like your father, but my mother was. she stayed in her own home which she stopped taking care of, refusing to do laundry, washing sheets in the bathtub, refusing to take baths, hoarding all kinds of rotting food all of which was not discovered until she moved out, and sweeping leaves out into a busy street, refusing to come inside even when traffic had to stop for her. i was not able to get her out of her house and into a residential placement until it became a truly emergent situation with her life in danger. even then, it was not easily accomplished. this kind of situation is not uncommon, and unfortunately, there is little an adult child can do until the situation completely deteriorates and the parent is no longer considered legally competent to make decisions for themselves. i have a younger friend going through this with a parent now, and even after several falls and two strokes, the parent is unwilling to leave her home. her son, who lives two hours away has become afriad to answer his phone.
my mother believed that , as her daughter, it was my duty to care for her as long as necessary. i didn't believe that then and don't believe it now. certainly there are many seniors who do not feel that a child should be totally responsible for an elderly parent, but there are still many seniors, whether they verbalize it or not,who feel, as a bottom line, they can count on their children to care for them. for some, this would be the last resort, but it still is a possibility for them that , in some cases, prevents them from making any other plans for themselves. in some cases, certainly, finances make it difficult to make other plans.
personally,i feel that a person should have a plan whether it ever is needed or not. if a senior wishes to remain in their own home, i agree they need plan b,( not adult children ) as was pointed out in the post. if a person lives long enough, and even sometimes earlier than anticipated, most aging seniors are going to need help to maintain themselves "independently".
n whether it ever is needed or not. if a senior wishes to remain in their own home, i agree they need plan b,( not adult children ) as was pointed out in the post. if a person lives long enough, and even sometimes earlier than anticipated, most aging seniors are going to need help to maintain themselves "independently".
catsy girl
An elder who stays in her/his own home till the end and depends on family members to do so is selfish and deluded. The only good thing I could see coming from this is that if the elder has money to pass on, it would pass on hopefully to the kids or grandkids or other close family without falling into the hands of the medical machine. Then there may be some fairness to it. But in general adult kids who are not wealthy and cannot hire help for their parent(s) had better devise a good strategy or they could become debilitated by frustration and exhaustion in trying to keep their elder in their own home till the end. I am still reeling from the experience with my own mother, who died 3 years ago. At her death my sister and I were just about at our wits' end, and the passing was timely enough that we didn't lose our own health. And we didn't even take care of her physically or ever transport her to the doctor (she hadn't seen a doctor by choice in over 50 yrs). Add that to the mix and you have a really, really tough situation.
I was thinking about my mother who passed away three years ago at 92 and lived in her own home till the end (left the earth on her own property). She would not have been caught dead in "assisted living," any kind of CCRC, or nursing home...had said that all her life. She had things her own way. I'm wondering who else, if anyone, feels the same.
I think the same as your mother...
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