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My FIL is 90 and his sister is 91. Both use walking aids but they can walk. They like the softer food. With that being said, we usually have them at our home which is one hour from them. My husband has to go and get them (1 hour), bring them back to our home (1 hour drive), we eat and do some family things (our children are 28 and 23), then my husband has to drive them back (1 hour) and then 1 hour return for him.
I have searched for a restaurant closer to them but outside of one place, I have very few choices.
I've always felt they enjoyed the family home atmosphere but the car ride is 2 hours for them total and that is a lot. Also, our son (23) has to work on Christmas so I'd love to push up the time but then my husband says he has no time for himself and I don't blame him. (Our son has to work at 4 PM).
We had my family gathering tonight since there are over 20 of us with all varying schedules and someone just said - just find a nice hotel and take them there - but then the walking is/may be an issue.
Any thoughts on how you all have handled a situation like this? Of course, it's on my mind tonight since I had some input tonight and I just want to keep all happy. (Our daughter is here from NYC and leaves Wednesday so limited time as well).
What to do?
PS - Buying all the food, fixing it, etc. comes out to about the same as going out. At Thanksgiving, our daughter spent $318 but wine was in there and a lot of special organic food so it could be lower.
PPS - Having the meal at their home would work, however, their home needs tons of repair and there are many items broken. Not an option at this point; would have been 15 years ago when my MIL was alive.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette
...Any thoughts on how you all have handled a situation like this? ....
Drive... For many yrs did a 3 hr drive to pick up elderly parent, then 3 hrs back, only to be followed by a 6 hr Round trip trip later that night. Usually done within 24 hrs... (12 of which were driving) Leave at 4am, and get home from last trip about 3 AM. That was no big deal, I grew up on a dairy farm, so used to 24x7.
RE: cooking, we set a menu and have visitors sign up for stuff. We have never starved. A few holidays were spent in houses being built / remodeled, doing dishes in bathtubs with only 'Stud Walls', (and LOTS of dust / COLD)
All part of the memories and adventure. Helps to appreciate the 'good times'. (heat and water)
Drive... For many yrs did a 3 hr drive to pick up elderly parent, then 3 hrs back, only to be followed by a 6 hr Round trip trip later that night. Usually done within 24 hrs... (12 of which were driving) Leave at 4am, and get home from last trip about 3 AM. That was no big deal, I grew up on a dairy farm, so used to 24x7.
RE: cooking, we set a menu and have visitors sign up for stuff. We have never starved. A few holidays were spent in houses being built / remodeled, doing dishes in bathtubs with only 'Stud Walls', (and LOTS of dust / COLD)
All part of the memories and adventure. Helps to appreciate the 'good times'. (heat and water)
We all have been there one time or another. Looking back is always better than when you were going threw it., I know. I built 3 houses on a budget, we always ran out of cash at some point and had to move into an unfinished home.
Fix the things in their home first of all. That would be the best thing you can do.
Have them spend a few days w/ you...if they are able. Then you have win, win....You can learn alot hanging out w/ older folks....and you cannot do a visit justice in the time span you're taking about. It is hard on them driving 2x same day, as well as your husband.
So, if you are blessed w/ them next Christmas...Pick them up and keep them. Also, for other holidays, Easter is coming up....have them spend the night. Make a bed on main floor, den couch....or comfy recliners...or rent them a nice hotel close to you that accommodates folks w/ accessibility issues...shower, raised toilet....etc. Research the hotels nearest you...If need be someone, your Son....can sleep on a couch in their room when they are staying in a hotel. God bless em! And You too for taking care to include them....I would switch places in a NY second.
My FIL will not sleep anywhere but his own home. Never ever ever ever. Even if he knew it was a problem to get him back home, he is insistent and will not stay over. We have tried believe me.
His home is disgusting. We are trying to have a maid service come in every 2 weeks slowly by slowly one more inch at a time. It will take a long time. He thinks the home is fine. For example, his carpet - orange shag - is over 35 years old and has never been cleaned. He is a semi-hoarder and has stuff all around it.
So, we just try to keep the peace. He's a nice man but does not like to change. Ever.
We were just trying to make it easier on everyone. I feel resentment from my own children b/c one of them is here for such a short time and we're running around doing this and that for everyone else. We'd really like to spend our own time as a family (4 of us). But, then, I have to worry about my FIL and his sister (his sister is lovely and we need her help with our FIL).
We have to be at work on Wednesday at 8 AM and work today as well plus go to church and volunteer. So, limited time.
1. Going to a relative's home to eat on Christmas dinner regardless of the distance (you would be picked up)
2. Going out to eat at a restaurant or hotel setting?
This is going back many many years but my FIL does not understand why people have to work outside of the 9 to 5 schedule. That's what he had and he loved what he did. We've always worked a lot of hours and now our children do as well. My FIL doesn't understand that.
I know they are lonely and we are continually in touch with visits, phone calls, whatever is needed but our own family relationship needs help too!!
1. Going to a relative's home to eat on Christmas dinner regardless of the distance (you would be picked up)
2. Going out to eat at a restaurant or hotel setting?
This is going back many many years but my FIL does not understand why people have to work outside of the 9 to 5 schedule. That's what he had and he loved what he did. We've always worked a lot of hours and now our children do as well. My FIL doesn't understand that.
I know they are lonely and we are continually in touch with visits, phone calls, whatever is needed but our own family relationship needs help too!!
Whats its all about is well, time marches on. Thats the way it is, we get old, we die and then somewhere along the Way another family emerges from the ashes of Holidays past and present, they start their own traditions, sometimes quite different than what we were used too, what we found comfort in with our loved ones. and close friends.
I can remember so well those extended family Pick nicks at the state park every summer. There was always a different birthday to celebrate. Sometimes it was very hot , sometimes it rained and washed away all the paper plates and tablecloths.
More so, I remember the Holidays, when everyone got together from first cousins to brother/sisters, ants and uncles, of coarse there was Grandma and sitting in the corner was grand dad. I often wondered what He was thinking as he surveyed the surroundings on Christmas day. There were gifts everywhere, Grand Pa always dressed up in his Santa suit. He was a huge hit with so many young people, many still believing in Mr Clause. AS time went on, fewer people were at that Christmas table, but, Grand Pa always carved the Goose, it was a long standing tradition in our Family.... It was over the snow and threw the woods to Grand Ma's house we would go. for that Christmas Day fest. She would never sit and eat until everyone was fed.
As time went on , years past so quickly, grand kids grew up, the old folks started to scum to attrition, the group got so ever smaller, until one Christmas the long standing event was no more. We had all ether passed on or moved on, spending more time with our own families . Somehow, it was never the same anymore. Now as I think about today, there is only three of us left me, a double cousin, and another first cousin. now we are getting old too, don't see each er much anymore, lost that close connection that was the glue that kept the extended family together, Grand Ma, may she rest in peace forever in our minds, yet, we do now even that will be forgotten when us three are gone.... Merry Christmas to all that has taken the time to read my ramblings, its that time of year.
Well good luck tomorrow, and keep in mind this won't last--they won't be around forever.
But next year, think about asking them what they prefer--sometimes family gatherings can be very stressful for old folks. They might just prefer to stay home and have a nice re-heatable Christmas turkey dinner delivered to them the day before.
My FIL will not sleep anywhere but his own home. Never ever ever ever. Even if he knew it was a problem to get him back home, he is insistent and will not stay over. We have tried believe me.
His home is disgusting. We are trying to have a maid service come in every 2 weeks slowly by slowly one more inch at a time. It will take a long time. He thinks the home is fine. For example, his carpet - orange shag - is over 35 years old and has never been cleaned. He is a semi-hoarder and has stuff all around it.
So, we just try to keep the peace. He's a nice man but does not like to change. Ever.
We were just trying to make it easier on everyone. I feel resentment from my own children b/c one of them is here for such a short time and we're running around doing this and that for everyone else. We'd really like to spend our own time as a family (4 of us). But, then, I have to worry about my FIL and his sister (his sister is lovely and we need her help with our FIL).
We have to be at work on Wednesday at 8 AM and work today as well plus go to church and volunteer. So, limited time.
Wow...What a struggle. I see that you really are going to great pains w/ little wiggle room. I hope that you all have a wonderful day. Well, maybe not having them for Christmas if he isn't willing to compromise. Being elderly is not an excuse...try to have a conversation w/ him and let him know what the options are for next year. You could also just throw the kids in the car, drive there, take them to dinner than home...Do that days before Christmas next year. Or, just have an event for your family...Do you have family that could do the driving that would give yourself and you hubby a break.
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Thanks for the replies!
