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some of your points are well taken.
some are moot----------------the OP did mention affordability was not a problem for her daughter.
I rarely visit my Mother, because I have to make a connecting flight, rent a car, and stay in a hotel when visiting. That is a significant amount of money for me. Plus, the time away from work. She lives in a place I cannot stand, Las Vegas. Dry, dusty, nothing to do there but eat and gamble, neither one am I interested in.
I have offered her plane fare to visit me, it is cheaper and easier. She declined.
Have you discussed this and asked for your daughter to pay for you to come visit her?
Maybe she is just busy, getting on with her life, and not interested in visiting you. The way it is sometimes. Sorry.
I think it does have a lot to do with being comfortable after making that long of a trip. If inlaws in Florida have more space, more discretionary income, and more luxe surroundings . . . plus it is much easier to get from DC to Florida than AZ (whether driving or flying!) . . . seems to me that is probably at the crux of why you are not being visited.
I know many families who deal with this situation. It really has little to do with having the vacation time or even the cash . . . it has to do with how long it takes to get to a location with kids in tow and how comfortable everyone is going to be after they arrive.
If you have the choice of cheap air tickets to Florida and a several hour direct flight and staying with inlaws in a comfy home . . as opposed to very expensive tickets to AZ and dragging kids on several stopovers through airports . . . then arriving exhausted to a more modest home (people sleeping several to a room) . . . where are you going to spend those vacation days? I think most young families would be like - uhhh - let's go to visit the inlaws in Florida . . .
The thought of loading up kids and doing the whole day trip on planes and airports w/ children makes my head spin. I lived 1000 miles from my parents and just getting hubby and myself and one teen put together for a 2.5 hr plane trip was not simple . . . doing it with young children, with connecting flights, and keeping them entertained and fed during the process (and after arriving at the g/parents) wears me out to think about it. Plus, if your home is small, they may feel they need to get a hotel . . . and then there is a question of car rental . . .
I would suspect the g/children would love to see you, but on their turf so that visiting is not such a big disruption in their lives. I would simply tell them - we would love to come see you but we don't have that expense in our budget . . . and see what they say. Maybe they will send you tickets for your birthday, Mother's Day, CHristmas . . . you never know til you discuss it.
I was the adult child that moved away from the family, half way across the world. Over the years I traveled a number of times with my children and a number of times on my own back to my family home town. 26-30 hours door to door traveling time. I spent over $35,000 in flights and travel insurance over the years.
I can see why your daughter may not want to visit as often, she is not the one that moved away, she is the one that would have the traveling with children.
I like the idea if your daughter could fly the grand-kids out during school vacation or the other idea of meeting somewhere in between for a family holiday.
Else maybe you can find some cheaper ways of visiting her home. Keeping in mind when your retired you have more time then them so you could perhaps stay with them for a number of weeks for quality family time if your visits will not be that often.
If your adult daughter who is so "busy" can find the time to visit her wealthy in-laws in FL, that tells you something She and her husband either prefer them because they are on the same par economically with the in-laws and can afford to do pricey things together, or there is some issue between you going on that never got cleared up.
As an outsider with very limited information, it is hard for me to conjecture on this wisely. But the seeming preference may simply be tied up with "easier." The flights are cheaper and shorter, the in-laws may have a bigger home, there may be access to a pool, they may spring for the cost of entertainment and local trips, etc....and all this would make it far more doable for a mother and kids. Just one possibility.
Quote:
The direct approach is best: "I know you and ______ are busy but it hurts me and dad that you can find the time to visit _____ & ______ but not us. Is there something going on here that you want to talk about? We miss you but can no longer afford to visit. Are you ever going to be able to see us again?"
I would go for the direct approach too.
But I do think that it should be focused on the OP and her husband and how they are feeling. To include a comparison with the Fla. parents right off the bat creates an unhelpful diversion off of what is the O.P.'s concern: that she and her husband get to see the family.
Given the amount of family contact, it looks like this situation may be a matter of logistics and not estrangement.
We used to live 1400 miles away from our grandchildren for six years and, because the move was our choice, we felt that it was our responsibility to do the traveling. Flights can cost twice as much during school vacations which is when kids are available to travel, not to mention if it's not football, it's karate lessons, dance, baseball or something going on. Now we live only 2 hours away and we still do most of the traveling back and forth though they'll be staying with us over Easter weekend, and even this presents it's challenges because we need to seek out fun outings for them. When we go to see them, we bend ourselves around their schedule, we show up at their games and at their science projects, we let them choose the restaurant and we pick up the tab, even if the food tastes like rubber. It's hard to expect kids to give up everything for time spent with their grandparents.
A flashback.. when our son was small, we had to cajole him to see his grandparents who lived a few towns over because it meant sitting at the kitchen table, bored, yet he'd beg us to go to Ohio to visit his paternal grandparents because they got down to his level and played with him. When he got older, we flew him out by himself and they took him on adventures to places I had no desire to see, Kentucky, Wisconsin, Michigan, and they enriched his young life. Perhaps the Florida grandparents have a boat or they do things that the kids enjoy doing.
We live near a vacation mecca with tons to do yet only one of our combined seven children has visited in almost four years and her intentions/reasons were less than honorable. But besides the evil one, no one else has come here despite our several trips at our expense to visit them. Consequently, we're done.
No one knows the why, even the OP. But, I think OP that doing what you are doing, attempting to stay in touch frequently, offer to have them fly the grand kids out for a visit, etc. will keep the lines of communication open. I would not compare their trips to the other in-laws nor would I attempt to guilt them, that will just create a barrier between you.
I might express how much you'd love to see them and how you regret not having the funds during retirement to visit them as much as you used to. The only thing you can really do is hope that they may send you tickets once in awhile.
Also, maybe a part time job to supplement your income and make plane tickets more affordable.
Keep on doing what you're doing, let love be your focus and an open invitation for them to either come see you or fly you there. Keep the faith, she'll get her life on track and she will eventually miss you too!!
golfinguo....Maybe she got that trip
Last edited by JanND; 03-11-2013 at 07:05 AM..
Reason: edit text
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Has anyone?
