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May I ask how old was your son and what was your reason?
The girlfriend was real controlling and didnt want me or his dad in their lives. She did all the driving, she called all the shots. Well it was strained between us but I was older when I have my son so I knew enough to know not to push her away or I'd lose him so I bent over backward letting her rule my house and me too.. Till the day my son wanted me to let them sleep together in my house. I'm to old fashioned to do that so I said no.. Well her mother not only let them in her house, she went and bought them a 1500. dollar bed and bragged about it.. he moved in with her and I have never seen him since. Now that's making a very long story short.. he was 21. He's 30 now. My husband has blamed me for the estrangement saying if I would have let them we wouldnt have lost our only son, but it would have happened over something else. I could not continue to be her door mat forever. She was really disrespectful to me.. not how we treated our mother in laws, or boyfriends mom with respect. These young people dont think like we do. They dont believe people in office or elders deserve respect. They believe everyone is equal. We were raised to give respect to elders and police and etc.. and I raised my son that way, but boy she turned his head. Until my son met that family we were a close family. I never would have believed he would turn on us. We didnt even know they got married till people started telling us.
Ok, now I know there will be backlash over this, so come on... lol So many opinions... my oh my!
The girlfriend was real controlling and didnt want me or his dad in their lives. She did all the driving, she called all the shots. Well it was strained between us but I was older when I have my son so I knew enough to know not to push her away or I'd lose him so I bent over backward letting her rule my house and me too.. Till the day my son wanted me to let them sleep together in my house. I'm to old fashioned to do that so I said no.. Well her mother not only let them in her house, she went and bought them a 1500. dollar bed and bragged about it.. he moved in with her and I have never seen him since. Now that's making a very long story short.. he was 21. He's 30 now. My husband has blamed me for the estrangement saying if I would have let them we wouldnt have lost our only son, but it would have happened over something else. I could not continue to be her door mat forever. She was really disrespectful to me.. not how we treated our mother in laws, or boyfriends mom with respect. These young people dont think like we do. They dont believe people in office or elders deserve respect. They believe everyone is equal. We were raised to give respect to elders and police and etc.. and I raised my son that way, but boy she turned his head. Until my son met that family we were a close family. I never would have believed he would turn on us. We didnt even know they got married till people started telling us.
Ok, now I know there will be backlash over this, so come on... lol So many opinions... my oh my!
I think it's unfair to claim that young people as a group aren't respectful. Everyone is equal once they reach adulthood. Older people don't deserve respect due to their age, they deserve respect based on their actions, words and treatment of others. I believe young people just expect the same respect that they afford their elders. And IMO that's as it should be. Respect shouldn't ever be a one way street or be predicated on who is older. That's an antiquated view and one based in authoritarian roots. I would never fault my kids for demanding the same respect they show to all people regardless of age.
And there's a difference between respect and obedience. Now that they're adults, I expect my daughters to be respectful, but I don't expect blind obedience based on my opinions or values. They are smart young women and even when they make a choice I disagree with, I respect their right as adults to choose as they see fit.
I think it's unfair to claim that young people as a group aren't respectful. Everyone is equal once they reach adulthood. Older people don't deserve respect due to their age, they deserve respect based on their actions, words and treatment of others. I believe young people just expect the same respect that they afford their elders. And IMO that's as it should be. Respect shouldn't ever be a one way street or be predicated on who is older. That's an antiquated view and one based in authoritarian roots. I would never fault my kids for demanding the same respect they show to all people regardless of age.
And there's a difference between respect and obedience. Now that they're adults, I expect my daughters to be respectful, but I don't expect blind obedience based on my opinions or values. They are smart young women and even when they make a choice I disagree with, I respect their right as adults to choose as they see fit.
Very well said. It is also wise to remember, when we expect obedience, that our opinions and ways of doing things are not always the best. If they completely obey our instructions and advice are we prepared to bear all the consequences if the results are disastrous? Once they reach college age we have to treat our children as adutlts who have their own moral code and principles to conduct their personal lives. If we doubt that then we have failed them as parents in teaching and being role models.
Very well said. It is also wise to remember, when we expect obedience, that our opinions and ways of doing things are not always the best. If they completely obey our instructions and advice are we prepared to bear all the consequences if the results are disastrous? Once they reach college age we have to treat our children as adutlts who have their own moral code and principles to conduct their personal lives. If we doubt that then we have failed them as parents in teaching and being role models.
Precisely. When you have adult kids, it's best to be mentor and not a mother. Mine frequently ask for my input on a variety of subjects. I give it, but understand that the ultimate decisions is theirs and not mine. And I never express disappointment in whatever they decide. To do so would be disrespectful.
I'm afraid I have become applicable to this thread, and it leaves you bewildered, and hurt.
My divorce due to my ex-wife's adultery, left me wrecked, and its fallout for my daughter left her completely devastated. I was "kicked out" of my home, and my daughter witnessed a near violent confrontation when the spouse of the other dirtbag showed up at my home. She was gutted by having the person she should most be able to trust, and set the example of what a lady/women should be, completely destroyed at such a transitional age (16). We witnessed her mom transform into a reptile dead eyed monster, who willfully, and without a hint of remorse, happily destroyed two families. Her nightmare continued at school, because a child of the other dirtbag was in her classes... She never got a break from it, and in the end it was too much for her.
My ex gaslit, and lied so much, and so often about me, she weaponized my daughter, adding just enough psychopathic financial leverage, to complete the circle in keeping her toeing the line, or face the consequences. I got distraught, sobbing crying calls from her that she had to sneak, where her mom threatened to kick her out of the house, not provide food, cut any upcoming university funding, you name it, if she dared mention, or tell anyone (esp moms family) about her moms dirty secrets. "Go live with your ****ing bum dad, if you don't like it". That's a real quote.
No doubt I have been, and continue to be a victim of toxic parental alienation, and it hurts beyond words, especially so because I early retired, and now have the precious commodity of time to visit her. I always tell her I think of her often, and that my home is always open. I hope soon, she will take me up on it.
I'm afraid I have become applicable to this thread, and it leaves you bewildered, and hurt.
My divorce due to my ex-wife's adultery, left me wrecked, and its fallout for my daughter left her completely devastated. I was "kicked out" of my home, and my daughter witnessed a near violent confrontation when the spouse of the other dirtbag showed up at my home. She was gutted by having the person she should most be able to trust, and set the example of what a lady/women should be, completely destroyed at such a transitional age (16). We witnessed her mom transform into a reptile dead eyed monster, who willfully, and without a hint of remorse, happily destroyed two families. Her nightmare continued at school, because a child of the other dirtbag was in her classes... She never got a break from it, and in the end it was too much for her.
My ex gaslit, and lied so much, and so often about me, she weaponized my daughter, adding just enough psychopathic financial leverage, to complete the circle in keeping her toeing the line, or face the consequences. I got distraught, sobbing crying calls from her that she had to sneak, where her mom threatened to kick her out of the house, not provide food, cut any upcoming university funding, you name it, if she dared mention, or tell anyone (esp moms family) about her moms dirty secrets. "Go live with your ****ing bum dad, if you don't like it". That's a real quote.
No doubt I have been, and continue to be a victim of toxic parental alienation, and it hurts beyond words, especially so because I early retired, and now have the precious commodity of time to visit her. I always tell her I think of her often, and that my home is always open. I hope soon, she will take me up on it.
That's all we can do is love them and give them space. I'm sorry you are going thru this. It's hurtful to you and the children
The girlfriend was real controlling and didnt want me or his dad in their lives. She did all the driving, she called all the shots. Well it was strained between us but I was older when I have my son so I knew enough to know not to push her away or I'd lose him so I bent over backward letting her rule my house and me too.. Till the day my son wanted me to let them sleep together in my house. I'm to old fashioned to do that so I said no.. Well her mother not only let them in her house, she went and bought them a 1500. dollar bed and bragged about it.. he moved in with her and I have never seen him since. Now that's making a very long story short.. he was 21. He's 30 now. My husband has blamed me for the estrangement saying if I would have let them we wouldnt have lost our only son, but it would have happened over something else. I could not continue to be her door mat forever. She was really disrespectful to me.. not how we treated our mother in laws, or boyfriends mom with respect. These young people dont think like we do. They dont believe people in office or elders deserve respect. They believe everyone is equal. We were raised to give respect to elders and police and etc.. and I raised my son that way, but boy she turned his head. Until my son met that family we were a close family. I never would have believed he would turn on us. We didnt even know they got married till people started telling us.
Ok, now I know there will be backlash over this, so come on... lol So many opinions... my oh my!
Could your husband be a little bit right? I am not trying to blame you or anything, but you seem rather inflexible. You are old fashioned and your son is modern. You may have taught him your ways, but he has adopted values and opinions of his own. I think too often we try to impose our values, ideas, and opinions onto others to our own detriment. He is an adult and entitled to live as an adult.
I have seen a lot of rebellion as some people try to move away from the child/parent dynamic. A lot of times their significant other gets the blame, when in reality the fault lies with the prent and the child. He wanted to break free from the child/parent dynamic and you wanted to maintain it.
How did the DIL rule you? Is it because she was the dominant one in the relationship with your son? If he did not care then you should not care. How are they disrespectful to you? Were they really disrespectful or were they disagreeable?
I think you could heal this rift if you really want to. Your son is no less deserving of respect than you are. His adoption of different morals and values does not make him disrespectful of you. You taught him one way and he chose another. Why do you place yourself above him? I truly believe we parent children, mentor blossoming adults, and extend friendship to adult children.
Would it be possible for you to meet with your son, acknowledge he is an adult, and get to know him and his wife as adults?
You obviously were a devoted mother and love your son. I hope it works out for you. Maybe all it will take is an attitude adjustment. "Live and let live."
Could your husband be a little bit right? I am not trying to blame you or anything, but you seem rather inflexible. You are old fashioned and your son is modern. You may have taught him your ways, but he has adopted values and opinions of his own. I think too often we try to impose our values, ideas, and opinions onto others to our own detriment. He is an adult and entitled to live as an adult.
I have seen a lot of rebellion as some people try to move away from the child/parent dynamic. A lot of times their significant other gets the blame, when in reality the fault lies with the prent and the child. He wanted to break free from the child/parent dynamic and you wanted to maintain it.
How did the DIL rule you? Is it because she was the dominant one in the relationship with your son? If he did not care then you should not care. How are they disrespectful to you? Were they really disrespectful or were they disagreeable?
I think you could heal this rift if you really want to. Your son is no less deserving of respect than you are. His adoption of different morals and values does not make him disrespectful of you. You taught him one way and he chose another. Why do you place yourself above him? I truly believe we parent children, mentor blossoming adults, and extend friendship to adult children.
Would it be possible for you to meet with your son, acknowledge he is an adult, and get to know him and his wife as adults?
You obviously were a devoted mother and love your son. I hope it works out for you. Maybe all it will take is an attitude adjustment. "Live and let live."
I believe those of our children age are handling parenting better than their parents. As parents they are more involved with their children, earning the helicopter-parent title, but their children do not seem to mind and thrive with the attention. There is much less parent-child friction, children love coming home, and parents seem happy to have them back and support them until they can be on their own. Divorce rate is declining on the whole and particularly in the college-educated, professional group. They not only handle parenting better they also handle divorces better - placing the health and interest of the children front and center and working around it. They remain friends and treat the other parent with respect.
The greatest gift you can give your child is to respect her/his parent, and keep your feelings about the divorce and problems to yourself and not sully their childhood and growth.
I think a big turn can come when the wrong partner/spouse enters the picture. I've seen it with my friends and even with my older son. That influence, especially if it's controlling, can damage an otherwise close relationship with your child.
Here's my story:
My older son was dating a nice woman, a lawyer, who our family liked. We invited her to birthday & holiday celebrations and she seemed very comfortable with us. Our son seemed happy, although we noticed a lot of controlling behavior, but didn't question it. She didn't like going out with his friends, convinced him to permanently delete his FB account and, when he started living with her, she didn't want him to have use of his car, so he left it at home. She only wanted her car to be used & she did all the driving! We started to see red flags when our son, who is very close to his siblings--would not see his brother who was visiting from out of state, because she didn't want him to leave her dogs alone. Excuses were made for skipping family events. Before we knew it, they announced they were moving out of state--in a few days! Slowly, he was being pulled away into a very small world occupied only by her and him. He stopped seeing friends. He barely saw his family. They moved and we started to lose contact--we were becoming estranged. But, we kept reaching out just to maintain a lifeline to him. We were all hurt and confused. It was like our son was brainwashed and seemingly in an abusive relationship. Long story short...my son started to recognize his predicament he was in with this woman and moved into his own apartment. All of a sudden, communication started to normalize with him and he was more himself. Within a year, he moved back home when my DH was having surgery and never looked back. It's been two years & he's re-established his relationships with old friends and has a good life. But, when we were going through it, it was a painful nightmare. We thought we'd lost him for good.
I believe the choice of a partner or spouse is pivotal. And, even if you have a great relationship with your child (as we did), they are still vulnerable to manipulative/controlling people who can be dealing with lots of psychological issues. I cross my fingers my kids choose good spouses with strong family ties. It's rare to find these days.
One thing I have noticed when I read through these stories is that, yes, both daughters and son seem to estrange equally. BUT when the reason for estrangement is a new spouse/partner, it seems to be sons who are vulnerable to cutting ties because a partner wants them to or manipulates them. Daughters don't seem to do this or do it as often. This worries me a little because I only have sons. Why are men more likely to bow to what a woman wants in regards to family than a woman will? I'm raising a couple of big momma's boys so it's hard for me to believe it could happen but clearly it does.
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