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Old 07-03-2013, 02:57 PM
 
2,737 posts, read 2,670,939 times
Reputation: 3585

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noleto84 View Post
As an outsider browsing this topic I must say as a child of abuse I think almost every case where an estranged child releases contact of the parent - the parent was at fault. In most cases (75% the parent was abusive). Not my opinion but fact. If your child does not contact you, it is for a reason.
I was pretty much done with this topic but I have to address this one!!!

Oh, if I could go back and undo my wrongs! As parents of an only child, we believed the sun rose and set on his head. Dinnertime conversation was all about him, his day at school, his football practice, his friends. We indulged him not with material things but with attention. When his father or I spoke, the spoiled brat would roll back his eyes and call it 'postal chat' because his father was an executive at the USPS and what he had to say wasn't worth listening to. I'd like to go back in time and slap his face. I'd like to tell the self-centered brat, "Shutup! Your father is talking and you will listen because his postal chat is about how the food got on the table and how we pay for your private school education so keep your trap shut while he speaks! The fancy Air Jordans, the Cavaricci pants, your summer camps... all from your Dad's day!" Oh, how I wish I had said this to him!!

He's 38 now. He's a good human being but the world still orbits around his head. He makes attempts at listening to us now but the buzz is still all about him. Shame on me for being an 'abusive' parent. We were temporarily estranged, it didn't last long. He's coming out of it, little by little, but abusive parents????? Nope. It was us, the parents, who were abused by his smart-assed mouth every day.
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:22 AM
 
Location: Simmering in DFW
6,873 posts, read 9,976,062 times
Reputation: 6626
Quote:
Originally Posted by ipoetry View Post
I was pretty much done with this topic but I have to address this one!!!

Oh, if I could go back and undo my wrongs! As parents of an only child, we believed the sun rose and set on his head. Dinnertime conversation was all about him, his day at school, his football practice, his friends. We indulged him not with material things but with attention. When his father or I spoke, the spoiled brat would roll back his eyes and call it 'postal chat' because his father was an executive at the USPS and what he had to say wasn't worth listening to. I'd like to go back in time and slap his face. I'd like to tell the self-centered brat, "Shutup! Your father is talking and you will listen because his postal chat is about how the food got on the table and how we pay for your private school education so keep your trap shut while he speaks! The fancy Air Jordans, the Cavaricci pants, your summer camps... all from your Dad's day!" Oh, how I wish I had said this to him!!

He's 38 now. He's a good human being but the world still orbits around his head. He makes attempts at listening to us now but the buzz is still all about him. Shame on me for being an 'abusive' parent. We were temporarily estranged, it didn't last long. He's coming out of it, little by little, but abusive parents????? Nope. It was us, the parents, who were abused by his smart-assed mouth every day.
This is the same situation in my case. My son is also 38. I am the person who initiated our estrangement and we now do communicate again. But his nastiness and disregard for my feelings -- I have come to recognize -- is of my own doing because I failed him. I failed to allow him to be a contributing family member by putting him on a pedestal and making our life all about him. Then, as an adult, he has been challenged in the real world more than he should by the real world not understanding that he is more special than everyone else. He is an angry person, and I have been subject to his rages and withdrew from his life. Now, though, I have come to understand that I created this monster. I love him, but don't like the person he is as an adult and I am to blame. He will be having to work on his anger for the rest of his life due to the fact that he was reared in an unbalanced home.
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Old 07-04-2013, 08:04 AM
 
Location: Hills & Hollers of the Aux Arcs
19,094 posts, read 16,338,016 times
Reputation: 17096
Quote:
Originally Posted by Squirl View Post
This is the same situation in my case. My son is also 38. I am the person who initiated our estrangement and we now do communicate again. But his nastiness and disregard for my feelings -- I have come to recognize -- is of my own doing because I failed him. I failed to allow him to be a contributing family member by putting him on a pedestal and making our life all about him. Then, as an adult, he has been challenged in the real world more than he should by the real world not understanding that he is more special than everyone else. He is an angry person, and I have been subject to his rages and withdrew from his life. Now, though, I have come to understand that I created this monster. I love him, but don't like the person he is as an adult and I am to blame. He will be having to work on his anger for the rest of his life due to the fact that he was reared in an unbalanced home.
Please stop. I had one son, now 40, who tried to "challenge" me several times regarding his upbringing. Of course, at no time did he address his abject failures both as a child and an adult until some time ago when he obviously did some deep introspection and came to the correct realization that the negatives in his life were of his own making and doing. He has moved beyond that "blame my parents for all my failures" well and now owns his own small but growing business.

My son also has four siblings who are all doing well in spite of the unfortunately dysfunctional family in which they were all raised - something I realized too late but ultimately divorced their mother almost 20 years ago. But my point is this, it's real easy to kick yourself around the block and wish you'd been a better parent and that's probably healthy ONCE. But then you need to get over it. Once your offspring become adults it becomes up to them to determine their own destinies and consistently falling back on blaming their parents just doesn't cut it any longer except in cases of extreme childhood abuse. It simply makes them weak and fragile. Those are not admirable, adult traits.

Go a little easy on yourself. You'll be glad you did.

PS. This former "bad seed" son is now the closest to my wife and me and the most loving and attentive of all our combined seven children and of our 12 grandchildren, his son is the closest to us as well. See? Good things can happen despite the past which you can't go back and change anyway.
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Old 07-12-2013, 09:44 PM
 
6,122 posts, read 4,480,820 times
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Can I give all of you a different perspective. Has anyone considered that adults are estranged from their parents because their parents abused and neglected them as kids? There are bad parents and bad kids neither is mutually exclusive.
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Old 07-12-2013, 10:01 PM
 
Location: Hills & Hollers of the Aux Arcs
19,094 posts, read 16,338,016 times
Reputation: 17096
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado xxxxx View Post
Can I give all of you a different perspective. Has anyone considered that adults are estranged from their parents because their parents abused and neglected them as kids? There are bad parents and bad kids neither is mutually exclusive.
I think a number of us have spoken to that quite openly.
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Old 07-12-2013, 10:18 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,290 posts, read 5,213,828 times
Reputation: 8956
People are weird and everyone lives in their own special "reality."

Hurt feelings and estrangements happen.

Sometimes relationships are repaired. Sometimes they are not.

Pointing fingers and assigning blame is not useful.

Most people think they are "right." That causes a lot of "rights."
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Old 07-13-2013, 07:06 AM
 
Location: New England
12,286 posts, read 8,469,575 times
Reputation: 8831
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
People are weird and everyone lives in their own special "reality."

Hurt feelings and estrangements happen.

Sometimes relationships are repaired. Sometimes they are not.

Pointing fingers and assigning blame is not useful.

Most people think they are "right." That causes a lot of "rights."
You can say that again. I had to back out of a trip with one of my sisters, with very good reasons that I explained to her carefully (she is an emotional type). She is taking it personally hung up on me and has not spoken to me since that conversation. All it takes is one thing that you would never believe could trigger an estrangement, and bingo.
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Old 07-13-2013, 01:31 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,290 posts, read 5,213,828 times
Reputation: 8956
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
You can say that again. I had to back out of a trip with one of my sisters, with very good reasons that I explained to her carefully (she is an emotional type). She is taking it personally hung up on me and has not spoken to me since that conversation. All it takes is one thing that you would never believe could trigger an estrangement, and bingo.
Hope that situation passes . . . you never know what is going to happen next with people.
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Old 07-13-2013, 05:23 PM
 
2,737 posts, read 2,670,939 times
Reputation: 3585
Here's my current take on estrangement... You can either kiss someone's a$$, bow down to them to keep the peace, and move on gingerly through life, or you can have estrangement. I've tried both. Most of the time, estrangement offers the higher quality of life.
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Old 07-13-2013, 11:08 PM
 
Location: New England
12,286 posts, read 8,469,575 times
Reputation: 8831
Quote:
Originally Posted by ipoetry View Post
Here's my current take on estrangement... You can either kiss someone's a$$, bow down to them to keep the peace, and move on gingerly through life, or you can have estrangement. I've tried both. Most of the time, estrangement offers the higher quality of life.
I like your perspective.
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