Retirees who are estranged from their adult children (behavior, mom, problem)
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well. I had 4 children in a 5 year span. married same father no drugs alcohol wife beating poverty etc. 3 children are close.one of the (identical)twins wants nothing to do with me.dh.or his 2 sisters.I understand the feeling if embarrassment because people may judge as the above poster. Were we perfect parents? No. but neither were they perfect children. In fact the one whi was the least in terms of issues is the one who hss distanced himself. The other 3 are now successful but gave us some sleepless nights. Must be something there.
I've never worried about the future, except for a few times when we were worried about jobs, until now. I look ahead and see the continuing diminution of the middle class. I wonder about the world my kids and grands will live in after I'm gone. We have set up a fund to help out for college costs; we contribute to it every month. But what sort of world awaits them after their education is complete?
I have always thought that retired people deserve to spend their money and time the way they want. We worked, paid into SS, paid taxes, raised families, spent untold sums on educating our kids and giving them the choices we could afford to give. So, now is time for us to enjoy life.
But because of the instability of everything, the lack of full time jobs, the dearth of decent paying jobs, the ascendance of the 1% with no real way to redistribute that enormous wealth, I wonder if it would be better to save as much as possible to hand over to the next generation. I mean, am I being greedy in wanting a nice life now? We live within our means. But we are enormously lucky. We possess pensions and ss. We have savings. How will our children and their children have those things? I just don't know.
All of my kids have graduate degrees, but not all of them have comfortable lifestyles. I guess I thought that my kids would continue to be upwardly mobile, but I don't see it.
Has our generation been selfish? Am I selfish to not be saving even more for my descendants? How do you answer those questions for yourself? I'm thinking hard about these things right now.
I don't know, I think there are some things that happen that are sorta unforgivable. Just saying your sorry is sometimes not enough to repair that damage.
No, but if heart-felt, it's a damn good start. That should open the road to discussion. The next atop is what you're sorry for. Then it's up to the other party to accept or reject it; to forgive or hold a perpetual grudge.
My former wife would never, ever accept an apology no matter how sincere. Coincidentally, she never apologized for anything in 25 year of marriage. Her favorite retort to one from me was, "Sorry doesn't fix it," most often followed by, "I'll never forgive you for that" no matter how slight the supposed "sin." At about the 20 year mark I looked at her one day, after hearing it all yet again, and told her that under those circumstances I might as well save my breath and be sorry for nothing since I'll be eternally damned by her regardless. I never apologized for anything again whether warranted or not.
Obviously, the marriage only weathered another five years.
If the parent has apologized or asked the adult child what is wrong and that adult child won't answer, at that point it becomes the child's fault, IMHO.
My 'Mommy & Daddy Dearest' weren't the apologizing type. They were never wrong, it was all my fault, I deserved to have the crap beat out of me, etc.
I think one can forgive a mistake made (a person close to us who made a mistake) but a cruelty, not so easily. One of my kids was installing a floor for me in super hot weather days before he was to move to the West Coast. I asked a simple question about the flooring and he blew up and me and yelled things like I couldn't have imagined from him. I was in shock. I felt it stemmed from some other, deep-seated anger about something. It took a few days for the air to clear and before he moved he told me he was under a lot of stress and apologized profusely. I choose to see this incident as an aberration. I suppose if I had taken it more to heart and reacted badly it would not have ended in an accepted apology.
Cruelty (and neglect is a form of cruelty) is another story altogether.
I've never worried about the future, except for a few times when we were worried about jobs, until now. I look ahead and see the continuing diminution of the middle class. I wonder about the world my kids and grands will live in after I'm gone. We have set up a fund to help out for college costs; we contribute to it every month. But what sort of world awaits them after their education is complete?
I have always thought that retired people deserve to spend their money and time the way they want. We worked, paid into SS, paid taxes, raised families, spent untold sums on educating our kids and giving them the choices we could afford to give. So, now is time for us to enjoy life.
But because of the instability of everything, the lack of full time jobs, the dearth of decent paying jobs, the ascendance of the 1% with no real way to redistribute that enormous wealth, I wonder if it would be better to save as much as possible to hand over to the next generation. I mean, am I being greedy in wanting a nice life now? We live within our means. But we are enormously lucky. We possess pensions and ss. We have savings. How will our children and their children have those things? I just don't know.
All of my kids have graduate degrees, but not all of them have comfortable lifestyles. I guess I thought that my kids would continue to be upwardly mobile, but I don't see it.
Has our generation been selfish? Am I selfish to not be saving even more for my descendants? How do you answer those questions for yourself? I'm thinking hard about these things right now.
If you wish to beat yourself up between now and the time you assume room temperature because you don't continue to financially support a passel of children with graduate degrees, have at it. I wouldn't. I'd say that I launched them properly and as adults, it's now up to them.
But then, helicopter parenting never agreed with me. Nor did self-guilting.
I have always thought that retired people deserve to spend their money and time the way they want. We worked, paid into SS, paid taxes, raised families, spent untold sums on educating our kids and giving them the choices we could afford to give. So, now is time for us to enjoy life.
I agree.
Quote:
Has our generation been selfish? Am I selfish to not be saving even more for my descendants?
No, your generation hasn't been selfish, and it sounds as if you've done plenty for your descendants.
My father died at 68 with money he never spent, and we all wish he'd been able to spend more on himself.
Whenever I hear of an estrangement, life has taught me not to pre-judge on which side the greater error(s) may have occurred.
The long and short of my story is that I adopted a motherless daughter when she was 7 years old. Her father is my exhusband. He exited the family quite abruptly in 2007, leaving both of us. She has maintained a relationship with him, rocky at times, but her bond to him is stronger, not only because of biology, but also he manages their relationship by subsidizing her lifestyle. I am generous with her, but he pairs her bills - something I refuse to do for many reasons.
For the most part, we have gotten along well since the divorce (she is now married and living with her husband)...however, she and her husband live well above their means and often fall behind financially, they are young and naive. I can always tell when she needs something - her tone to me changes - she suddenly gets sweet and shows interest in my life (the rest of the time, not so much)....twice, I have turned her down for large loan requests and each time, she drops me like a hot rock...it is painful, but I cannot relent - it's our job to teach people how to treat us and respect us.
It frightens me that she has adopted her father's pattern...he was never one to compromise or negotiate - he was narcisissistic - if he did not get his way, he would withdraw completely. As an adult, she has become like him.
. We have set up a fund to help out for college costs; we contribute to it every month. But what sort of world awaits them after their education is complete?
I have always thought that retired people deserve to spend their money and time the way they want. We worked, paid into SS, paid taxes, raised families, spent untold sums on educating our kids and giving them the choices we could afford to give. So, now is time for us to enjoy life.
All of my kids have graduate degrees, but not all of them have comfortable lifestyles. I guess I thought that my kids would continue to be upwardly mobile, but I don't see it.
Has our generation been selfish? Am I selfish to not be saving even more for my descendants? How do you answer those questions for yourself? I'm thinking hard about these things right now.
If your kids have graduate degrees and are not "live for today" types, they will do fine. And you've done well by them, so enjoy yourself without guilt, if they feel you're being selfish, they have a case of arrested development and need to grow up and be responsible for themselves.
My own mother (man, we were poor growing up) who is 87, enjoys sending generous birthday etc. checks ("so you can enjoy it while I'm alive") but is careful to have enough for her own needs. And I would never expect her to subsidize us.
Our parents and grandparents survived World Wars and the Depression, your kids will also survive.
I enjoyed your post. My kids are fine with us and we with them. They are the great blessings of my life! They are not ungrateful, nor do they spend money like crazy. Each one is saving for the future. Each one is gainfully employed.
My query was based on a sense that some options for middle class people are going to be closed in the future. More money is held by fewer people. The middle class is shrinking. I don't see it turning around any time soon either. I think they will survive too, but I fear their lives will be less easy than ours. We were never poor but we had some lean times although we were overall really lucky. And we couldn't pay for all their education either. Each one got part of it paid but there was no way we could pay for it all. So they still carry loans. I guess I feel the most guilt about that. I feel that their debts hold them back.
And how will our grands get their education, unless they go horribly into debt? Those are my thoughts.
My kids have smartphones, and I've noticed that those and some electronics are prioritized over furniture and other things I wanted when I was their age. Their cars are pretty old too. Perhaps they lend more importance to different things than I did.
But I do fear a little for the future of the grands.
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